P4P

First of all I have been following they story of a little girl.  She is a little over a year old and is  undergoing treatment for leukemia AND is currently battling an infection.  She is on life-support and it has been an uphill battle.  She is currently "fairly" stable so if those of you who are reading this would please please say a prayer for this little angel and her family.

With that said, I read one of her mom's posts as she was writing about their situation.  I can not imagine what they are going through!  My little man is so healthy that I hardly ever picture him so sick and here they are battling for over a month praying that each day there is some improvement to their little girls health.  It makes my worries and fears seem so obsolete and worthless.

But, no matter how small they seem in the grand scheme of things, they are still there.  I know that all of us have our own concerns, money, kids, relationships, food, weight, health, whatever it may be, there is at least something that tends to get us in that state of anxiety.

I thank God every day for the fact that mine are obsolete and worthless compared to what they could be, but I can still learn from this strong and brave family.  Something she wrote really stuck out.  She said :


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication present my requests to God" as God's word says. God's word brings me peace, but as soon as I let my mind wander I go back to that anxious place, boy what a battle it is."


So true!!  Worry and fear will not get me or anyone else anywhere!  We have a God greater than anything that we can even fathom.  What makes us think that He can not make sure that all of our emotional and physical needs are met?  What makes us think that He does not already have our best interests close to His heart?  I know that for me, can meditate and focus on the verse and that train of thought and be totally just fine.  I can focus on laughing and having fun and being myself and have a joy that surpasses all understanding.  But, the second that I let my mind wander, that I let my guard down and let those unwelcome thoughts enter into my mind, the battle starts all over again, not only getting rid of those thoughts, but also regaining the peace that only He can bring.  All I can do is remind myself that He is bigger than my fear!   


Some people are blessed with the ability to let stuff roll of their shoulders.  I know that this family has to be one of the strongest families to be able to go through this with so much faith.  I know that God is in the middle of their struggle.  He is holding them close in their time of need.  I know we can learn a lot about faith and not worrying.  But I hope and pray that we also get to see another one of His miracles through this little girl.  Please God let it be so!  

Toddlers and Tears

I am about two seconds away from crying today!

One of Kole's friends had a birthday party that we tried to go to.  The first part went great!  He was having fun, he was being nice and listening to what people told him.

Then it was like a switch!!  He freaked out!  He did not want to be down stairs so he freaked out.  He was mad at a toy so he started hitting and yelling at it (which happened to be while they were praying)!  Then when I took him upstairs he hit, kicked and screamed the whole way up there!!!  So we left.

I literally feel so lost when it comes to this child.  I know he is not a horrible child and there are worse.  I also know that if the way he is acting is my biggest concern then I am one lucky mom, but I am still so frustrated and want to cry because I do not know what to do.

I wonder if it is something that I have done to make him treat me like this?  Am I too lenient, expect too much, expect the wrong things?  Is it something that I have not done that makes him treat me like this?  Is is something that someone else has done or not done that causes it?  Are all the changes finally catching up?  Is it just a phase that he will hopefully grow out of SOON?    He really is a loving child.  He says thank you, you're welcome, bless you.  Says I love you at random times, hugs and kisses when he wants to.  He just treats me horrible.  And I honestly do not think he treats anyone else like this either!

I have tried to become more firm with him but then it feels like the whole time I get to spend with him we are constantly butting heads and he is in time out more times than not.  If I ease up then he walks all over me and the fits we do have are a lot more intense.

I love the fact that my child is stubborn.  I just wish it was stubborn in the right areas, like standing up for what is right or standing firm in a faith that he will hopefully develop some day.  I want for him to be able to keep it but not revert to anger and violence when he gets mad at me.

But as always, there is an upside to all of my frustration!!  Through it all, I can finally begin to fathom the love that my Father has for me and my son.  I love Kole with all my heart.  But that pale's in comparison to how much his Creator loves him.  Kole does not have to be perfect for me to love him.  I may get mad, hurt, or sad at times, but that does absolutely nothing to how much I love him. It just makes that good times that much sweeter.  We do not have to be perfect for our Father to love us.   I am FAR from perfect and yet, He never ceases to amaze me at the love and blessings He has poured out for me, starting at the cross and ending with MANY earthly examples His love.

UPDATE

I think it is time for another blog! 

So many things have gone on in literally the last two weeks that it has been pretty crazy!!  

I have, hang with me here, an ex-step-nephew who has needed and continues to need a lot of prayer!!  His heart is upside down, on the wrong side of his chest, and not fully developed.  They did one surgery and he pulled threw AMAZINGLY!  Thank you to everyone who prayed and continues to pray.  He is going in for another surgery on Friday because again his stomach is on the wrong side and is starting to twist.  Poor baby!  But I know that God can do miracles and Brillyn is one strong little boy!  Please keep him and his family in your prayers!

This next update is a difficult one to address.  First of all, I do not want to seem like I am upset about the situation.  I am not hurt in the least by it.  Second of all, I have so many opinions that I should keep to myself but I know I prob wont!  So Tuesday Kane told me he proposed to his new girlfriend.  I honestly, and please believe me when I say, that i am not upset in the least.  I have moved on from that part of my life and have no emotional connection.  The ONLY concern I have is for my son.  I do not want Kole to have to go through another divorce.  Even though she will never mean as much to Kole as I do, she will still have an impact on his life and he will in some shape or form become attached.  I do not want Kole to experience this again, especially when he can understand the background information as well!!!  Kane is a big boy and can make his own choices, but Kole is at the mercy of his parents, and as much as neither of us intends on hurting our son, sometimes the choices we make will, especially when past issues are not addressed in the present so they will not affect our future!  I hope you understood that!!!

But I do want to thank everyone who has reached out to me in the last couple of days/weeks!  I am crazy busy with school and becoming my own person but I am always thankful for everyone who has played a part in my life, no matter how big or small that may be!  

There is this song that I absolutely love (Lady Antebellum "Heart of the World") and I feel like there is one line that really sums up how I feel right now.  It goes "If hope is the soul of the dreamer, Heaven is the home of my God, it only takes one believer to believe you can still beat the odds"  I am that woman who has gone threw fire and has come out stronger.  I may be callused, I may be hurt, I may be jaded, but I know who I am and how much my God loves me.  That is what counts.  

Happy and Healthy

Its been a long time since I blogged!!!  I kind of miss it but then again I don't!

I was talking to someone about why I do not blog as much any more and it came to me!  It is because when I did, I needed healing.  I was hurt, upset, frustrated, and I needed a place to go to vent, be heard and to heal.

I am not in that same place any more!  I still need healing, but not near as much.  I still need prayer but not in the same way as before.

This week is a big week for me.  This is the week that my divorce will be final.  If you would have asked me over four years ago, I prob would not have seen this girl writing this blog in my future.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I thought I knew who I was and who I was supposed to be.  I thought I knew who I was marring and what our life would look like.  Turns out I lied and was lied to in a MAJOR way!  I lied when I said I knew what I was doing or that I was sure of my actions.  I was lied to in countless ways, but those lies are for another blog another time!  If you asked me then why I married, I would have said that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  But now, bypassing the lies, I can tell you that I did love him, but that is not why I married him.  It's one of those you knew a little to late and then you felt like you had not way out???  He will prob tell you the same thing.

But I can tell you this:  I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING!!!!  Well there is one thing I would change but that is not for public knowledge :D

I have had the hardest four years of my life.  I was hardly happy, almost never healthy, BUT I am who I am today because of it.  I learned soooo many things and I can not even get into all of it!!!!  I learned how to love, forgive, respect.  I learned how to make Jesus Lord and not another human being.  After we split, I learned to love myself for me, and not what other saw or expected.  I learned what I like and not to like what everyone else likes.  I learned how to be ME!  KRISTY!! Finally!!  I am pushy, I am insecure, I love people, I love horses, I love to dance, I love to laugh, I love country music, I want what I want when I want it, I am loud,  I am sarcastic, I am not afraid to make the first move in most situations.  But most of all I am beautiful.  I have scars, I have stretch marks, I could lose a few pounds, a few other issues that I know will cause some people to look the other way, but that does not matter.  Not because some man sees me as so, but because I FEEL it.  Not because a husband keeps promises, but because God never broke His.

If I went back and changed anything then I would be giving up the most precious gift I have ever been giving.  I was able to give birth to the most amazing, most frustrating two year old known to man!!!  I love everything about that kid, even when he decides to slap me across the face.  I look at that child and I know that if I would go back, I would do everything the same because I know I have this relationship waiting for me and what we have been through has made it what it is.

My life is on a new path.  It terrifies me!  There is nothing I ever wanted more than I family of my own!    But now, there is nothing that I want more than to be the me I was created to be.  Be the mother that Kole needs me to be!  What ever that looks like, whoever that includes, we will just have to wait and see!  The most important part is that I am happy, I am healthy, and I am right where I need to be!!!

My Season

Everybody goes through seasons in their lives.  Yours is different than mine, mine is different than theirs....

If you were to label mine right now, it would be discovery.  Discovering the me I am supposed be, the me that I have always been, and the God that I love.


Up till now, and even now, I have always tried to be perfect.  Fit the molds that I thought everyone wanted me to fit in.  A different mold for a different group.  Saying all the right things, doing all the right things... Trying to be the perfect person, woman, friend, mother, daughter of God.

But alas, I failed.  Miserably.  All I am left with is insecurities.  The fear of never being enough.  Scratch that, the actuality of never being enough.  As a child, I had to struggle with this issue.  I am going through a divorce because I was never enough.  My anxiety is high because I freak out if I say or do something wrong in-front of different groups of people.  My condemnation for myself on high because I was never quite able to be perfect.  I lost who I was in the middle of it all.

I am now discovering that girl that I was created to be.  Not the perfect, everybody loves Kristy girl.  But the insecure, impatient, loving serving girl that I have always been.  I tend to jump the gun when I shouldn't but take too long when I shouldn't .  I let lies and self-condemnation affect my entire mood and deplete my joy.  But I will tell you I can love the socks off of the stranger or friend or family member.  I am, though I fail miserable more than I would like, an awesome mom by the grace of God.  If you ever need anything I am your servant.  I am sarcastic and witty.  I can make you laugh.  But I can also drive you crazy with my questions and insecurities and trying to hard.

Through the good and the bad of all of me, my God has never changed.  He loves the me he created.  The ugliness and the beautiful.  I have always been enough for Him and always will be.  I do not have to be enough for any one else.  He should be their everything.  You know that part of you that wants more?  That part that never is filled by friends, family, boys/girls, hobbies.  That part that only He can fill.  I do not need to be that and I do not need anybody or anything to be that for me.  He already is.  I do not have to be perfect.  I do not have to miserable.  I do not have to settle.

Neither do you.  No matter where you run, who you run to, what you run to.  Jesus Christ is the only thing that will fill the void, the insecurities, the never enoughs, the imperfections.  We search when all we have to do is ask.  We force when all we have to do is let.  We run when all we have to do is be still.

Once you ask, let and be still, amazing things will happen.  You will find that One that will love you no matter what. The hard times will come, but trust me when I say they are only blessings in disguise.  You may not recognize it at the time, or even see the benefit of it, but what waits after is always worth the hard times.  Its a journey.  Its up and its down.  Its happy and its sad.  It is scary but it will lead you to a deeper love with the One Person that will never leave or forsake you, that will always love you, and will always be enough.  You may fall, you may not thing that you are "good-enough" for this kind of love.  It may terrify you because of what you may have to give up all that you know.  But in the face of the One Perfect love and a promise of life more fulfilling and everlasting, who can pass that up when all we have to do is ask, let and be still?

Who I Really Am

On July 9th 2011, I got to watch my sister get married.  It was a GREAT day and a beautiful wedding!

But not only was it those, it was a time of healing for me.  And since that day a time of rediscovery!

I was surprised when I actually looked at my thought processes behind some of my actions and how I acted, at how much I changed to fit someone else's mold.  For the first time in a long time I was myself.  I had fun.  I made a fool of myself and laughed about it.  I was not worried about what others would think, I just enjoyed my time and the people I was with. 

I tend to try to be perfect.  I used to just agree with someone when they would say something.  Think they were right because Iw as not smart enough to know.  Think that I had to be perfect in order for them to like me.  I could not sin or my God would be mad at me.

I realize, and this has been a long time coming, that I do not have to be perfect, but even more so I can be who I was created to be.  I am not longer a doormat, people pleaser, the Kristy who I was "supposed to be".  

I am so excited to see where this takes me.  I grow more and more into the Kristy I was created to be rather than the Kristy I thought I had to me.  For example, I have always loved the country.  Everything about it.  I had the time of my life when I was just sitting by the river with some friends.  I had stopped letting that be apart of who I was when I thought that I was supposed to live in the city for one reason or another.  I am no longer going to tell someone something just because they want to hear it.  I am not going to let people abuse their position in my life.  I am not going to agree with someone just because they are my friends.  I am going to search and learn the truth rather than just taking someone's word for it.

There are some things that will never change though.  I still love Jesus more than anything and strive everyday to learn more about Him.  I still think that the most important aspect to life is to love as Jesus did.  I will always strive to be the best mother that I can possibly be.  

There is sooooo much more that I want to say but for now I will just leave it as I am excited to see where this road will take me :D

What I Do Know

This has probably been one of the hardest, most revitalizing week of my life.

It started off with our meeting with the lawyer.  Then it went downhill from there.  A few major fights, some more lies told to me, some more nails nailed into a piece of wood.  I want to post on here all that has gone on so that those reading this can know just how much I have been hurt this last week.

But all of the pain that I have felt this last week pales in comparison to the anguish God must be feeling watching what is going on.  Not just with what Kane is doing, but when he looks at the way I behaved through it all.

I know what God's Word says, I know what He has told me, I what the Holy Spirit has shown me, but I still go against it and try to "fix" this my way.  When I read His Word, He shows me the same things time and time again.  Then I listen to sermons and not only does he confirm what I already knew, He also emphasizes His grace!  And then He shows me through the most innocent of children what he wants me to do "Wait on Jesus mommy!"  Those words came out of Kole's mouth today!  We were eating lunch and out of the blue he said that!

I do not know what He has in store for me and my son, or even Kane, for the next season in our lives.  But I do know that God is greater than any of our sins.  I do know what I can do:  Love God, Love others, strive to know him more, and give him all the glory in the mean time.  I can do what I can to make sure that Kole knows the Truth and is protected from lies and confusion.  And I can pray.

I will fail, but I will repent. I will feel pain, but I will not be depressed, I may be crushed, but I am not destroyed.  I may be a sinner, but I am His child.  I will obey His commands because I love Him.  He will be my everything, He will be my all, He will comfort me and I will and am full of the Joy and Peace that only comes from Him