I Am Enough

Maybe I was prettier?

Maybe I  was funnier?  

Maybe I behaved better/different?  

Maybe I was thinner?  

Maybe I got better grades?

Maybe I was stronger (emotionally/physically)?

All of these maybes have gone through my head a time or two (or two thousand... :-/ ). All of these doubts were firmly rooted in my brain by the time I was 22.  All of these questions (and more) I have asked thousands of times since then.  They always have the same after thought:

Then maybe they would like/care for/love me?

All these doubts about me, what I am not, (well, what I think I am not)  usually present themselves as an apology.  The sentence usually flows as:

I am sorry I am not  ________ ENOUGH for you.

I always feel like I fail someone because I am not good enough for that person or situation.  But in reality the only person I am failing is myself.  

When I look at myself and only see my short comings (no pun intended ;) ), I am only tearing myself down.  Not only am I hurting me, I am only hurting the One who made me the way that I am.  I am a masterpiece in the making.  I have a beauty that is uniquely mine (and Cassie's).  I have a sense of humor that has caused thousands of laughs.  I am one of the most caring person you will probably ever know.  I will go out of my way to make everyone happy before I even consider my own emotions.  I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for Kole.  

Most importantly, I was made in His image.  So I do not have to be ENOUGH for someone else.  I am ENOUGH for who He has made me to be.  You see, I do not have to be enough to earn someone's love.  I do not have to be enough to deserve to be cared for.  I do not have to do anything to make someone like me.  I already am just by being me.  I already am liked by so many amazing people.  I already have more people caring for me than I will ever deserve.  And I already have the greatest love that I could ever hope for.  The love of a Best-freind, Lover, Father.  I was enough long before I decided I was not enough for anyone or anything.  

This is why I love writing:

Some one asked me to write a story of one my relationships.  This is not the story but this is my conclusion. 

Initially I wanted to write two ending:  One with us together and one with us apart.  As  I was writing, even before I get into the second paragraph I realize there can only really be one ending.  You see this is why I love writing.  It helps me process because even now what I want to say has just changed.  

What I thought when I started this one was the only ending that can happen is the one with us not together.  I had an easier time recalling the not so good times than the good times.  There are so many more instances of when we were happy and good together, but the bad times were frequent and hurtful.  Part of that is my personality.  I hold onto the things that hurt me and let go of the good times because I am afraid for the worst the whole time.  Another part of that is he treated me like crap a lot of the time, so the bad times are a little more engrained.  How I want it to end is that we both totally turn our lives over to God and we end up such a strong couple that there will not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of how far we have come and how deep our love is for each other.

What I know I need to say is that this story will end exactly and when God wants it to.  I know 100% that He protected me in his own way when I was holding onto the past for as long as I did.  I can feel that in every part of my being.  But why I do not know.  Especially when I still have dreams about him.  Especially when I still think about him as much as I do.  Especially when I still love him as much as I do.  But I do have this overwhelming inkling (oxymoron I know) that there is something great waiting for me.  Something that will either be with him or with some stranger that I could have never imagined.  Something that will end up as such a strong couple that there will not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of how far we have come and how deep our love is for each other.

But in the mean time I want to rely on the unconditional, unrelenting, unfathomable love that my Father, my Lover, my Savior, my Best-friend has for me.  The real question is how do I get there…

Music for the Soul

I listened to a song tonight that fits me perfectly right now.   Its by Unspoken.  The part that really spoke to my broken heart was:

"you refuse forgiveness like its something to be earned
 But sometimes pain is the only way we can learn.
You can never fall too far so fast so far
that you can't get back when you are lost where you are
It's never too late so fast so much that you can't change who you are
you can change who you are."

I am ashamed of who I am right now.  Not cause I'm a horrible person because I'm not.  But I am so lost and so confused and so fearful that I let those emotions take over me and make my decisions for me.  I am ashamed of how I treated someone I love.  I am ashamed of how I let my past hurt affect my present self and most recent relationships.

But most importantly I am ashamed of how I let humans that I love replace the God who died for me.  I stopped searching for His love and chased his honesty, love, acceptance.  I tried to find the love of a sinful person to be my "true love". I put way to much pressure on him and was bound to fail the second I relied on that and not the love of my Heavenly Father.

That song mentioned something about you can change who you are and that is the only line I would change.  The only way I M going to make the changes that need to take place for me to be the woman I'm supposed to be is if I let Him make those changes for me.   Many of you reading this do not and will not understand where I am coming from.  I have not given very many people the power to hurt me or make me feel betrayed but for those of you who have seen it know how over the top I sometimes get in certian situatuoin.


This blog is not so that everyone can tell me what a good person I already am (even though that is nice).  It's not about telling me how horrible my past was cause it wasn't.  It's about me recognizing my flaws ans striving to become a better person in the arms of the One love that will actually satisfy. A love that I have experienced before that is waiting for me to reclaim it.  A love that will will mold me into a the woman I know I can be and will guide me to the man that can best display that love to me.  Not because they love me that much (even though he will). But because he loves Him that much.  It may be someone from my past and it may be someone I could never dream of.  But I do know that I will wait for that love because I deserve that much.

New Life

I am not one for religious or political debate.  My motto for my faith is that God is love and I am called to show that love to those around me.  So I do not want this blog to become about right vs. wrong, just about showing God's glory in the little and big things.

With that said, this particular blog is going to touch on a hot topic:  New life.

I sat and massaged a pregnant lady for an hour last evening.  We were hoping that it would help her go into labor.  We all knew it wasn't going to work.  Even in the womb, babies have a way being obnoxious.  They either wait way to long to get here or they come before you even have a chance to breath, they like ot bounce on the mother's bladder or kick her in the ribs.  No matter how, they let you know who is boss!

We are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of this new baby.  Is it a boy or a girl?  How big?  How tall?  Will it look like mom or dad?  But these questions are not even the what has us most anxious!!  Finally being able to meet this new baby is what is most exciting.  Speaking from experience, from the second a mom knows she is pregnant her whole mindset changes.  The love is automatically has for her infant is indescribable.  But, once she meets that baby and holds it for the first time, the feelings she ahs she can not even be put into a coherent thought.

A father's love is not so instantaneous.  Bare with me because I am a little jaded on this topic.  First of all, I am not a father.  And second of all I nothing to base it on.  But a father's love takes a little longer.  It is not real for him until he hears the first heart beat, feels it move for the first time, as he sees the mother grow bigger and bigger, slowly it becomes reality.  But as soon as he holds the baby for the first time is when it is all over for  him.  Life, his heart and his whole world has changed.

For me, there is no greater miracle than new life.  From the making of the new life to the birth (keep your minds out of the gutter).  The idea that the act of ultimate love (that has been so skewed in today's society) can create this precious life.  The fact that there are so many combinations of DNA and this one was chosen.  My son, this child, you, me.  This combination is his masterpiece.  His work of art.  All of the perfections to all of the flaws.  Before these parents ever met, this child was already created.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

My Father created me just the way I am.  He loves every single part of this creation.  He made my strengths to better show his love and be apart of a Body that is greater than me.  He made my flaws so that I would more fully rely on Him and so that by over coming all of my "issues" I could more fully glorify Him.  I am His masterpiece, sculpted and molded to fit the image of Him.  His love for each and every single one of His masterpieces surpasses any love that we could ever emulate her on earth.  A love, that once you taste it you have no way of turning away.  And you have no choice but it show it to others.  A love like that is not one to be kept and ignored.  It is meant to be shown and lived.  Shown to those around you, little acts of love, moments you lay down your own desires for those who need special attention.  Lived in a way that constantly points to the Artist that created each and every one of us.

I Got This!

What a crazy last few weeks!  I have barely had time to breath let alone think!!!  Twenty pages of nursing research paper later, I can breath!  But oh wait! Two more weeks of test after test after test, and you can add a few more tests into that mix!  

I got this!  I will graduate and I will have an RN after my name.  After all, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"!!

It is funny how easy I forget that.  I forget it so easily it is almost ridiculous.  Let me tell you about how strong I have been the last few weeks.  I would give you an amount if I could.  But I have been a wreck.  My stress level is through the roof.  I stress about school.  I stress about Kole.  I stress about money.  I stress about relationships.  My mind never slows down.  My emotions are on edge!  As Drew would say, I go 0-185 in two seconds flat!  Kinda crazy.  Well if I am honest, it is a lot crazy.  

I have not been strong at all.  But as I try to figure out why, the answer is so blatantly obvious!  It is like that repeating billboard going down the highway or the thousands of flashing lights right in front of me.  

Let me tell you the answer.  Brace yourself, you make get smacked in the face with it.  It is because I am not supposed to be strong!  

Yup!  That's it!!  I am not supposed to be strong.

Why you ask?  It is because my Father wants to do it for me.  He wants me to rely on Him for my son, for my stress, for my school, and for the fear I have about relationships. 

He tells me that repeatedly: 

"Do not worry about anything"

"He is made strong in your weakness"

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

When I start relying on myself and those around me instead of Him, that is when I fall apart.  Those people will let me down.  They will hurt me, they will come and they will go, some will come and will stay.  But all will hurt me.  I will hurt all of them.  But there is One who never fails me.  There is One who loves me despite my craziness.  There is One who understands His creation and wants to be with me in my worst moments.  There is One who loves me the way that it was intended to be.  

Yup!  I got that!  And other's can have it too!  Others can be loved the same way!  Once you are loved by God the way that it was intended to be, it is soooo much easier to love those around you!!  Once you have that Rock who is made strong in your weakness, you can be the weakest you ever have been and come out unscathed because the hard part was taken care of for you! 

Amazing?  I think so!

P4P

First of all I have been following they story of a little girl.  She is a little over a year old and is  undergoing treatment for leukemia AND is currently battling an infection.  She is on life-support and it has been an uphill battle.  She is currently "fairly" stable so if those of you who are reading this would please please say a prayer for this little angel and her family.

With that said, I read one of her mom's posts as she was writing about their situation.  I can not imagine what they are going through!  My little man is so healthy that I hardly ever picture him so sick and here they are battling for over a month praying that each day there is some improvement to their little girls health.  It makes my worries and fears seem so obsolete and worthless.

But, no matter how small they seem in the grand scheme of things, they are still there.  I know that all of us have our own concerns, money, kids, relationships, food, weight, health, whatever it may be, there is at least something that tends to get us in that state of anxiety.

I thank God every day for the fact that mine are obsolete and worthless compared to what they could be, but I can still learn from this strong and brave family.  Something she wrote really stuck out.  She said :


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication present my requests to God" as God's word says. God's word brings me peace, but as soon as I let my mind wander I go back to that anxious place, boy what a battle it is."


So true!!  Worry and fear will not get me or anyone else anywhere!  We have a God greater than anything that we can even fathom.  What makes us think that He can not make sure that all of our emotional and physical needs are met?  What makes us think that He does not already have our best interests close to His heart?  I know that for me, can meditate and focus on the verse and that train of thought and be totally just fine.  I can focus on laughing and having fun and being myself and have a joy that surpasses all understanding.  But, the second that I let my mind wander, that I let my guard down and let those unwelcome thoughts enter into my mind, the battle starts all over again, not only getting rid of those thoughts, but also regaining the peace that only He can bring.  All I can do is remind myself that He is bigger than my fear!   


Some people are blessed with the ability to let stuff roll of their shoulders.  I know that this family has to be one of the strongest families to be able to go through this with so much faith.  I know that God is in the middle of their struggle.  He is holding them close in their time of need.  I know we can learn a lot about faith and not worrying.  But I hope and pray that we also get to see another one of His miracles through this little girl.  Please God let it be so!  

Toddlers and Tears

I am about two seconds away from crying today!

One of Kole's friends had a birthday party that we tried to go to.  The first part went great!  He was having fun, he was being nice and listening to what people told him.

Then it was like a switch!!  He freaked out!  He did not want to be down stairs so he freaked out.  He was mad at a toy so he started hitting and yelling at it (which happened to be while they were praying)!  Then when I took him upstairs he hit, kicked and screamed the whole way up there!!!  So we left.

I literally feel so lost when it comes to this child.  I know he is not a horrible child and there are worse.  I also know that if the way he is acting is my biggest concern then I am one lucky mom, but I am still so frustrated and want to cry because I do not know what to do.

I wonder if it is something that I have done to make him treat me like this?  Am I too lenient, expect too much, expect the wrong things?  Is it something that I have not done that makes him treat me like this?  Is is something that someone else has done or not done that causes it?  Are all the changes finally catching up?  Is it just a phase that he will hopefully grow out of SOON?    He really is a loving child.  He says thank you, you're welcome, bless you.  Says I love you at random times, hugs and kisses when he wants to.  He just treats me horrible.  And I honestly do not think he treats anyone else like this either!

I have tried to become more firm with him but then it feels like the whole time I get to spend with him we are constantly butting heads and he is in time out more times than not.  If I ease up then he walks all over me and the fits we do have are a lot more intense.

I love the fact that my child is stubborn.  I just wish it was stubborn in the right areas, like standing up for what is right or standing firm in a faith that he will hopefully develop some day.  I want for him to be able to keep it but not revert to anger and violence when he gets mad at me.

But as always, there is an upside to all of my frustration!!  Through it all, I can finally begin to fathom the love that my Father has for me and my son.  I love Kole with all my heart.  But that pale's in comparison to how much his Creator loves him.  Kole does not have to be perfect for me to love him.  I may get mad, hurt, or sad at times, but that does absolutely nothing to how much I love him. It just makes that good times that much sweeter.  We do not have to be perfect for our Father to love us.   I am FAR from perfect and yet, He never ceases to amaze me at the love and blessings He has poured out for me, starting at the cross and ending with MANY earthly examples His love.