There are two words that need to exit my vocabulary immediately! Those words are "tomorrow" and "yesterday".
Everyday I live, those two words dictate my entire day, my decisions, the activities we do, the people I see, my drive to work work out, my eating habits, my time with my son.
Tomorrow I will start a diet
Tomorrow I will play with Kole more.
Tomorrow I will work out.
Tomorrow I will clean the house
Tomorrow I will go see this person or that person
Tomorrow I will sell my It Works
Tomorrow I will overcome this complacency
Tomorrow I will read my Bible...
Tomorrow. Tomorrow. TOMORROW
Yesterday I worked hard, so I don't need to go work out
Yesterday I was hurt by someone so I will close my heart up
Yesterday I didn't sleep well so I will sleep all day today
Yesterday I blah blah blah
I can not LIVE if these two words are going to be part of my vocabulary. And if you think about it there never really is a tomorrow. Tomorrow always turns into today. and then I am in the same boat. Waiting for tomorrow and blaming yesterday.
Well no more! My tomorrow is right now and my yesterday never was! My life will change. I will have my todays! Today is the day that my excuses are no more. Tomorrow is only a date. Yesterday is a memory not a shackle.
But most importantly, Today is the day that I LIVE for the One who DIED for me. Today is the day that I repent. Today is the day that His love is enough. Today is the day that my body becomes His temple. I am made for so much more than my yesterdays and tomorrows. I am meant to be His everyday.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Yes, Little Butterfly
Someone once told me to see a white butterfly is like seeing Jesus. Pure and powerful. He sends them when we need Him. I saw one today. This is a little different than how I usually write but here you go...
Yes, little butterfly I see you. You fly by my right arm. Just barely to far away for me to touch. You land on my rose bush. You claim it as Your own. Soon, You take off and fly right above my head. Your next destination is my purple bush. You show me Your creation. You take off and fly a loop around my gladiolus, showering them with Your presence. Yes, little butterfly, I see you.
Yes, little butterfly, I feel you. You bring peace whenever I see You. You show up when my heart is heavy just to fill me with tranquility. I feel the breeze on my skin, through my hair, like the faintest touch of your hand to bring me comfort. Yes, little butterfly, I feel you.
Yes, little butterfly, I hear You. I hear You call Your creation beautiful. Everything you touch is a masterpiece. You created it for a purpose. You love every masterpiece despite its flaws, failures, and sins. I hear Your calm Spirit tell me nothing is to ugly, to far gone, or to jaded for You. Yes, little butterfly, I hear you.
Yes,, little butterfly I am beautiful.
Yes, little butterfly, I am Yours.
Yes, little butterfly I see you. You fly by my right arm. Just barely to far away for me to touch. You land on my rose bush. You claim it as Your own. Soon, You take off and fly right above my head. Your next destination is my purple bush. You show me Your creation. You take off and fly a loop around my gladiolus, showering them with Your presence. Yes, little butterfly, I see you.
Yes, little butterfly, I feel you. You bring peace whenever I see You. You show up when my heart is heavy just to fill me with tranquility. I feel the breeze on my skin, through my hair, like the faintest touch of your hand to bring me comfort. Yes, little butterfly, I feel you.
Yes, little butterfly, I hear You. I hear You call Your creation beautiful. Everything you touch is a masterpiece. You created it for a purpose. You love every masterpiece despite its flaws, failures, and sins. I hear Your calm Spirit tell me nothing is to ugly, to far gone, or to jaded for You. Yes, little butterfly, I hear you.
Yes,, little butterfly I am beautiful.
Yes, little butterfly, I am Yours.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Choosing Joy
Feelings are a funny thing. The other day I was sitting there and I smelled Kole. He didn't stink but he smelled warm. Like he used to when he was a baby and I would rock him to sleep. It was the same smell and I had an overwhelming burst of love for that child. My child. It was like a tightness in my diaphragm.
Then the other day that child told me no. I got angry and felt the same feeling in my diaphragm. The tightness but it was tied to a totally different feeling.
It's crazy how the mind body and spirit all interact. How physically I can feel something and emotionally it can be a few different things. God's creation is so complex. He created us to feel and have life on this body and created this body to feel and have life. So there are so many chemical and systemic reactions that correspond with how we think and feel. Most of the time a persons balance works and it does not cause issues. But sometimes, like I think in my case it gets all out of wack. Blame it on what you will. My switch from days to nights, the sad times I went through that got me mixed up and unable to get back to homeostasis, just lack of sunlight. Who knows what caused it but I do know that I am experiencing depression lately.
I am tired. Oh so tired all the time.
I have tried to work out. I have tried praying. I have tried just bucking up and faking till I make it but that's not working. I'm too tired. I'm too restless to focus. I have no me time. I do what I can to please everyone else. But I forget about myself. And the cycle continues.
It's time to break it. I have already put my plan A (diet and exercise) and plan B (medication) into action. I am choosing joy. And I am using my resources to help me. A new and happier Kristy is coming to you and this world better watch out :)
Then the other day that child told me no. I got angry and felt the same feeling in my diaphragm. The tightness but it was tied to a totally different feeling.
It's crazy how the mind body and spirit all interact. How physically I can feel something and emotionally it can be a few different things. God's creation is so complex. He created us to feel and have life on this body and created this body to feel and have life. So there are so many chemical and systemic reactions that correspond with how we think and feel. Most of the time a persons balance works and it does not cause issues. But sometimes, like I think in my case it gets all out of wack. Blame it on what you will. My switch from days to nights, the sad times I went through that got me mixed up and unable to get back to homeostasis, just lack of sunlight. Who knows what caused it but I do know that I am experiencing depression lately.
I am tired. Oh so tired all the time.
I have tried to work out. I have tried praying. I have tried just bucking up and faking till I make it but that's not working. I'm too tired. I'm too restless to focus. I have no me time. I do what I can to please everyone else. But I forget about myself. And the cycle continues.
It's time to break it. I have already put my plan A (diet and exercise) and plan B (medication) into action. I am choosing joy. And I am using my resources to help me. A new and happier Kristy is coming to you and this world better watch out :)
Thursday, January 23, 2014
My Lesson
There are times in life where random events or chance encounters are the Lord's way of telling you something that you need to hear. Most of the time it is only noticeable if you are looking for it, tiny little nudges, small blessings that to most people mean nothing but to you mean the world. Other times its red and blue flashing lights basically screaming your name and telling you what needs to be said.
This week I feel like I am being taught something. A random song, a chance encounter, and a history that haunts me has been repeatedly telling me the same thing.
In life is not how hard or how many times you fall that matters but it is how you pick yourself up and move on that defines a person.
I had a patent the last two days I worked that reminded me of this. He asked for a medication and I forgot to call the doctor and ask him about it. I went in the next day and apologized. He said "You know, the care that you have given the last two days has been so amazing that that one little mistake means nothing." Here I am just thinking about this mistake. How I am a horrible nurse because I forgot to call the doctor; all the while he can only remember how well he was cared for during his stay.
What mattered these last two days was not my forgetfulness but my attentiveness to this individual. What will be ETERNAL is the fact that after that statement he went on and asked me how I knew so much about God. THAT is what defines me.
A song we sang this last Sunday in church compounded this lesson. The song goes like this:
"You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand"
He has already seen how far I have fallen. He already knows how far I will fall in the future. He has seen it all and yet He still took my sin and my failure and he died for me so I could stand next to Him. THAT is what defines me
I do not need to let the mistakes I have made, the sins I have struggled with, the presents I did not buy, the times I have fallen define who I am because I have Jesus waiting right there to pick me back up and redeem me.
This week I feel like I am being taught something. A random song, a chance encounter, and a history that haunts me has been repeatedly telling me the same thing.
In life is not how hard or how many times you fall that matters but it is how you pick yourself up and move on that defines a person.
I had a patent the last two days I worked that reminded me of this. He asked for a medication and I forgot to call the doctor and ask him about it. I went in the next day and apologized. He said "You know, the care that you have given the last two days has been so amazing that that one little mistake means nothing." Here I am just thinking about this mistake. How I am a horrible nurse because I forgot to call the doctor; all the while he can only remember how well he was cared for during his stay.
What mattered these last two days was not my forgetfulness but my attentiveness to this individual. What will be ETERNAL is the fact that after that statement he went on and asked me how I knew so much about God. THAT is what defines me.
A song we sang this last Sunday in church compounded this lesson. The song goes like this:
"You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand"
He has already seen how far I have fallen. He already knows how far I will fall in the future. He has seen it all and yet He still took my sin and my failure and he died for me so I could stand next to Him. THAT is what defines me
I do not need to let the mistakes I have made, the sins I have struggled with, the presents I did not buy, the times I have fallen define who I am because I have Jesus waiting right there to pick me back up and redeem me.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I Am Enough
Maybe I was prettier?
When I look at myself and only see my short comings (no pun intended ;) ), I am only tearing myself down. Not only am I hurting me, I am only hurting the One who made me the way that I am. I am a masterpiece in the making. I have a beauty that is uniquely mine (and Cassie's). I have a sense of humor that has caused thousands of laughs. I am one of the most caring person you will probably ever know. I will go out of my way to make everyone happy before I even consider my own emotions. I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for Kole.
Maybe I was funnier?
Maybe I behaved better/different?
Maybe I was thinner?
Maybe I got better grades?
Maybe I was stronger (emotionally/physically)?
All of these maybes have gone through my head a time or two (or two thousand... :-/ ). All of these doubts were firmly rooted in my brain by the time I was 22. All of these questions (and more) I have asked thousands of times since then. They always have the same after thought:
Then maybe they would like/care for/love me?
All these doubts about me, what I am not, (well, what I think I am not) usually present themselves as an apology. The sentence usually flows as:
I am sorry I am not ________ ENOUGH for you.
I always feel like I fail someone because I am not good enough for that person or situation. But in reality the only person I am failing is myself.
When I look at myself and only see my short comings (no pun intended ;) ), I am only tearing myself down. Not only am I hurting me, I am only hurting the One who made me the way that I am. I am a masterpiece in the making. I have a beauty that is uniquely mine (and Cassie's). I have a sense of humor that has caused thousands of laughs. I am one of the most caring person you will probably ever know. I will go out of my way to make everyone happy before I even consider my own emotions. I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for Kole.
Most importantly, I was made in His image. So I do not have to be ENOUGH for someone else. I am ENOUGH for who He has made me to be. You see, I do not have to be enough to earn someone's love. I do not have to be enough to deserve to be cared for. I do not have to do anything to make someone like me. I already am just by being me. I already am liked by so many amazing people. I already have more people caring for me than I will ever deserve. And I already have the greatest love that I could ever hope for. The love of a Best-freind, Lover, Father. I was enough long before I decided I was not enough for anyone or anything.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
This is why I love writing:
Some one asked me to write a story of one my relationships. This is not the story but this is my conclusion.
Initially I wanted to write two ending: One with us together and one with us
apart. As I was writing, even before I get into the
second paragraph I realize there can only really be one ending. You see this is why I love writing. It helps me process because even now what I
want to say has just changed.
What I
thought when I started this one was the only ending that can happen is the one
with us not together. I had an easier time
recalling the not so good times than the good times. There are so many more instances of when we
were happy and good together, but the bad times were frequent and hurtful. Part of that is my personality. I hold onto the things that hurt me and let go
of the good times because I am afraid for the worst the whole time. Another part of that is he treated me like
crap a lot of the time, so the bad times are a little more engrained. How I want it to end is that we both totally
turn our lives over to God and we end up such a strong couple that there will
not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of how far we have
come and how deep our love is for each other.
What I know I need to say is that this story will end
exactly and when God wants it to. I know
100% that He protected me in his own way when I was holding onto the past for
as long as I did. I can feel that in
every part of my being. But why I do
not know. Especially when I still have
dreams about him. Especially when I
still think about him as much as I do.
Especially when I still love him as much as I do. But I do have this overwhelming inkling
(oxymoron I know) that there is something great waiting for me. Something that will either be with him or
with some stranger that I could have never imagined. Something that will end up as such a strong couple
that there will not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of
how far we have come and how deep our love is for each other.
But in the mean time I want to rely on the unconditional,
unrelenting, unfathomable love that my Father, my Lover, my Savior, my
Best-friend has for me. The real
question is how do I get there…
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Music for the Soul
I listened to a song tonight that fits me perfectly right now. Its by Unspoken. The part that really spoke to my broken heart was:
"you refuse forgiveness like its something to be earned
But sometimes pain is the only way we can learn.
You can never fall too far so fast so far
that you can't get back when you are lost where you are
It's never too late so fast so much that you can't change who you are
you can change who you are."
I am ashamed of who I am right now. Not cause I'm a horrible person because I'm not. But I am so lost and so confused and so fearful that I let those emotions take over me and make my decisions for me. I am ashamed of how I treated someone I love. I am ashamed of how I let my past hurt affect my present self and most recent relationships.
But most importantly I am ashamed of how I let humans that I love replace the God who died for me. I stopped searching for His love and chased his honesty, love, acceptance. I tried to find the love of a sinful person to be my "true love". I put way to much pressure on him and was bound to fail the second I relied on that and not the love of my Heavenly Father.
That song mentioned something about you can change who you are and that is the only line I would change. The only way I M going to make the changes that need to take place for me to be the woman I'm supposed to be is if I let Him make those changes for me. Many of you reading this do not and will not understand where I am coming from. I have not given very many people the power to hurt me or make me feel betrayed but for those of you who have seen it know how over the top I sometimes get in certian situatuoin.
This blog is not so that everyone can tell me what a good person I already am (even though that is nice). It's not about telling me how horrible my past was cause it wasn't. It's about me recognizing my flaws ans striving to become a better person in the arms of the One love that will actually satisfy. A love that I have experienced before that is waiting for me to reclaim it. A love that will will mold me into a the woman I know I can be and will guide me to the man that can best display that love to me. Not because they love me that much (even though he will). But because he loves Him that much. It may be someone from my past and it may be someone I could never dream of. But I do know that I will wait for that love because I deserve that much.
"you refuse forgiveness like its something to be earned
But sometimes pain is the only way we can learn.
You can never fall too far so fast so far
that you can't get back when you are lost where you are
It's never too late so fast so much that you can't change who you are
you can change who you are."
I am ashamed of who I am right now. Not cause I'm a horrible person because I'm not. But I am so lost and so confused and so fearful that I let those emotions take over me and make my decisions for me. I am ashamed of how I treated someone I love. I am ashamed of how I let my past hurt affect my present self and most recent relationships.
But most importantly I am ashamed of how I let humans that I love replace the God who died for me. I stopped searching for His love and chased his honesty, love, acceptance. I tried to find the love of a sinful person to be my "true love". I put way to much pressure on him and was bound to fail the second I relied on that and not the love of my Heavenly Father.
That song mentioned something about you can change who you are and that is the only line I would change. The only way I M going to make the changes that need to take place for me to be the woman I'm supposed to be is if I let Him make those changes for me. Many of you reading this do not and will not understand where I am coming from. I have not given very many people the power to hurt me or make me feel betrayed but for those of you who have seen it know how over the top I sometimes get in certian situatuoin.
This blog is not so that everyone can tell me what a good person I already am (even though that is nice). It's not about telling me how horrible my past was cause it wasn't. It's about me recognizing my flaws ans striving to become a better person in the arms of the One love that will actually satisfy. A love that I have experienced before that is waiting for me to reclaim it. A love that will will mold me into a the woman I know I can be and will guide me to the man that can best display that love to me. Not because they love me that much (even though he will). But because he loves Him that much. It may be someone from my past and it may be someone I could never dream of. But I do know that I will wait for that love because I deserve that much.
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