Again I ask: Have You?

I have learned a lot the last two and half years of my life.  About myself, about other people, and about God.

What I have learned about myself has not been fun.  Its kind of like once I figure it out, I figure something else out that is worse or harder to confront.

What I have figured out about other people has been both good and bad.  I have learned what true people of God look like.  The love that radiates from them.  The desire to bring God glory and lovingly correcting those in need with out judgement.  To say the truth, even when it is hard to hear.  But, I have also learned a lot about the "not so good side" of people.  Those who are rude, think they know everything, only think of themselves part of people.  I have seen what true repentance looks like, and what it does not.

What I have learned about God, though has not changed.  I may have learned more on the same topic, or learned the same God just in a new light.

For example.  I have learned a lot about love.  At first it was just knowledge based.  Love this, love that.  Then I learned how far God's love for me stretches.  Despite how I view myself.  Despite how others view me.  Despite how other treat me.  Despite my own fears and failures.  Despite how deep my sin goes into the core of who I am.  His love for me has never and will never change.  The only thing that needs to change is my response to it.  Then it grew to application.  God loved me, so I can love others.  How do you do that when you have been hurt so deeply?  How do you love the unlovable?  How do you love those who do not want to be loved?  I know I am on a journey to keep growing in this area.  I do not have it all figured out but I am learning a little bit more everyday.

Another example is forgiveness.  Ohh how I have learned on this subject.  Again at first it was superficial.  Then I felt what it was like for me.  The deepest parts of me that no one saw but me and the Lord.  Those parts I tried to hide from myself, from others and tried to with hold from the one who has always known.  He already forgave them.  On the cross... "It is finished"  Those three words will be enough for eternity.  Then we move to application.  Each time, the cut is A LOT deeper.  The forgiveness goes a bit further, encompasses more of who I am.  The pieces of my heart get smaller.  The get harder to find and put back together.  Forgiveness takes one piece at a time.  Each piece that is put back into place, is one less piece I chose to hold onto, which is one more piece of forgiveness.

The one thing that has not changed in ANY of these concepts, though each time gets a little harder, and each time gets a little deeper, each requires nothing of me, and everything of Him.  The only thing I can do is lay it ALL at the cross.  The rest is already done.  "It is finished".  I learn this every time, in different ways, through basically the same sin, by the hands/hearts of those I love.

To experience forgiveness, I had to be forgiven first.  To give love, I had to be loved first.  By my one True Love, by my Only Comforter,  by my Lord & Savior.  Again, I ask the question:  Have you?

Everything

You know those times in life when you questions all that you know?  All that you though you were, you now have no idea if it was all a reality or just your imagination.  Was I really that person?  How did I get there?  What if I make the wrong choice?  What is the wrong choice?

My heart aches tonight.  Nothing new, I know.  Maybe I am just allowing myself dwell in the pain.  Maybe  the magnitude has just hit me.  What brings about the pain sometimes is soo small and stupid.  But then again it just reminds me of other issues or times where I have been hurt.

First Peter is what I wrote about last time.  Mainly chapter 3, but at least two other times, Peter wants us to rejoice and be prepared for suffering.  Its going to happen.  If it happened to Christ, the only one who did not deserve it, what makes us sinners think that while living in this fallen sinful world, we will not have to suffer and that life will be "easy".  That overcoming the past and or own struggles with sin will be easy or a one-time deal.

So then,  we know life is not easy.  Especially mine... Especially yours.... Especially the person's sitting on the street corner holding a "will work for food" sign...  Especially those who have been hit by the natural disasters lately.... How do we get through these tough times.  1 Thessalonians gives me an answer.  I do not really like it but here it goes...
1 Thessalonians 5: 15-17
"See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

My first response is:  "Great answer God!  Leaves me with more questions..   What exactly is best for everyone?  How is THIS the will of God?".  But then maybe that is the intent because if we had all the answers, why would we need to pray with out ceasing?  Isn't that what he wants anyways?  Constant "communication"  with us?  Most with us just crying out to him and some with him guiding us through his words and urgings?  Anyways... No answers, more questions and reassurance that God wants all of me.

More importantly, he wants all of you.  He wants all of all of us.  Not just for a day, or a week, or a few months.  The words without ceasing is soooo important for this verse.  It means that its not just when I need him.  Or how we push him aside for our own two second self-gratifying action or mindless distraction from reality.  He should be our reality.  With all our souls, hearts, minds, and strength.  With all that we are, we praise Him.  Until the end of time, we are his.  Our Father, best-friend, our lover He  needs to be our everything.

Its Funny

So I post this blog about how I am so confused and lost about all of these decisions I have to make.  I am.

So I turn to the Bible to draw comfort and find an answer.  I wanted a ya or nae tonight.  I did not get that.  What I did get was so much sweeter.

1 Peter 4:12-5:11; 2 Peter 3:14

I will not quote these.  You can read them if you want but, WOW! God is good.  Why did I think this is so completely crazy?  I mean I have been here before so it can happen.  God does not stop trials just because we ask.  His glory will be revealed in me.  I am not sure what that will look like but it will happen.  I may not be persecuted, but I am suffering.  And my heart is being judged.  Am I going to rely on the Lord, or those around me who are sinners themselves?  I value wise council and there are some people's advice that I am taking to heart and putting a lot of stock into, but in the end, they are not the Lord and my answer can only come from Him.  So I will commit my soul to the Lord.  I have many people willing to be my elders who I know are relying on the Lord for guidance.  I will humble my heart.  I will not be proud.  I will make myself nothing and Him everything.  I will cast my cares upon him because He cares for me.  I will not give into the Devil.  I will not believe there is something wrong with me because of one persons actions or another words.  I have done that for far to long.  He, the God of grace will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle me. And He WILL get all the Glory.

I will look forward to what GOD has waiting for me because then is when I will be blameless, no matter what decision I make.

Not the answer I wanted but its the one I needed at this moment.

Ouch

Sometimes I wonder how many times a heart can be broken before it can be put back together.  Then I wonder why me?  The Bible says that we are never given any more than we can handle.  I am pretty sure I am above my limit of handling.

I wish I could just have a HUGE neon sign that tells me what to do.  Maybe this is my neon sign?  I do not know.  Some decisions are soo easy.

I am afraid of losing people.  Other than Jesus, the one person I love the most I may lose.  I will lose part of Kole.  I will lose some friends.

I could have it all though.  I am just so mad that he allowed this to happen.  How many times did I pray that it would not.  How many times did I ask?

Jesus please help because I am soo broken, alone and scared.

I should be sleeping

So its 1:!1 am and I should be sleeping.  I actually was almost asleep then my hubby came in and woke me up when he was going to bed.  So I laid there for an hour tossing and turning.  You see I have a huge week coming up.  Not only is tomorrow Easter and I want to be able to actually enjoy it, I have a three tests, a paper and a project due.  I have only studied for one test and have some of my paper done.  There is no way I can make it this week.

The more I think about how impossible this all is the angrier I get.  I do not want to spend time studying when it could be spent with Kane or Kole.  I do not want to go to school when I could stay at home with my baby.  I want to have more kids.  I want to stay home with them.  I want to have time to spend doing what my soul needs to do, not our pocketbook.  I need a day off, a day where I can spend doing what I need or want to do.  Seven days a week I am leaving Kane or Kole so I can go to class, study, work or pretend to worship God.

It makes me angry.  Angry that I have no time for the important things in life.  Maybe I do I just chose not to utilize my time wisely.  Maybe I don't and I need help somewhere along the way.  I have let go of so many desires that I believe are from Him because of fear.  I think they are from him because the closer I become to Him, the stronger those desires grow.  But I got afraid of those desires or let other people talk me out of them.    

It all boils down to today.  A very special day.  A day that I should be rejoicing.  My savior is risen.  He is alive.  I should celebrate the life I have through him because he is risen.  Instead I am dreading waking up.  i dread it because I know it will be after too few hours of sleep.  A day full of stuff to do and places to go.  No time to rest because I have to go go go.

How do you rest in the Lord?  It is my favorite passage but one that I have never really figured out how to do.  So I just go on being exhausted all the time.  Up early to bed late stressed the whole time between.  Sleep is even not restful now because of all the tossing and turning and thinking that I do instead.

I can't take any more.  I can not take any more stress, any more of hiding my desires or what I really want.  I can not take any more no time or no sleep.  I am done.  I have given up trying.

This is where He takes over.  This is where He overcomes my fears.  This is where I delight myself and Him and He will grant the desires of my heart.

Pretty Amazing

I sometimes wonder about the people behind the writings of the Bible.  Especially Mark, Matthew, Luke, John, and Paul.  I do not know why these 4 come to mind but they do.  Perhaps because they are talked about the most?  Maybe because those are the only four I know?  (I will never tell :p  )  But that is besides the point.  

My point is they are just people.  Just like you, just like me.  They were imperfect people with a huge anointing.  But why?  Were they better than you?  Greater than me?  

I was specifically thinking of when Paul said that he was the worst sinner.  I do not know the reference or the exact phrase, but that is the gist of what he said.  Kane told me that he wrote that in reference to all of the Christians he murdered.  Be that as that may, he still probably thought that about himself on a regular basis for sins other than murder?  Maybe?  As amazing as we perceive all of his "accomplishments", he was still human, still a sinner, still the least of these:  Just like you, just like me.

But what set them apart?  Was it their knowledge?  Maybe.  They were all prob pretty smart.  Was it their money.  Definitely not. They had none, they gave it all up to follow Christ.   So what was it?  I think that they had obedience.  Jesus called out to them each individually, in different ways, and they all dropped their worldly processions and followed Him.  The studied Him.  They talked to Him.  They responded to Him.  They tried to love the people that Jesus did (remember these are imperfect people).  They each had their own struggles, their own sin, but ultimately their heart was focused on Jesus and the plans He had.  

Lets be realistic though.  We are all not going to do everything these guys did.  Prob, I will never get anywhere near that many healings or church plants or be apart of so many people accepting salvation.  Some of will lead many to Christ, while some lead none.  Some will miraculously heal, while others can't even put a bandaid on right.  He may want one person to be a mother and a house wife.  He may call one person to lead a church of 10,000.  

But that does not make any one any less than the other!  All can be equally as glorifying to Him.

What makes us great in His eyes (even though we already are, different blog, different time) is when we obey him.  Obey his command to love.  Obey his desire for us to be close to him by reading His word, praying, and responding to Him.  

Its pretty amazing what the Lord can do when we finally stop and listen to His heart.  It is pretty amazing how much more beautiful we become when we fall more deeply in love with Him.  It is pretty amazing how great people can be when they make themselves nothing and Him everything. 

Relational

In January K-love encouraged their listeners to pick a word.  A word that would represent what we wanted to focus on this year.  I chose the word relational.  I wanted to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ and I wanted to have more meaningful friendships and family relationships.

I have failed miserably.  First of all, my friendships that I wanted to deepen are going the opposite directions.  I hardly talk to some of them.  Some of the girls I wanted to be friends with I am to afraid to get to close to because I am afraid of what they will think of me.  I am afraid that they will think that the decisions I make wont be understood.  That I will some how make them mad.  That I am not "cool enough" to fit in.  I let myself shut down because of stress.  I find a way to make myself think that they really do not care.  I get so tired that I have not energy to invest in meaningful conversation, or even polite conversation.

Some of my relationships are still pretty good.  But I fee like I am not doing my part.  I continually look for the bad in the situation.  What is going wrong, what could do wrong, what am I not doing right.  I let my self-esteem issues get in the way of my relationships.  People make stupid mistakes.  But I have the choice to let that affect me as a person.  Do I let it bring me down, or do I let it bring me closer to the Lord?

I have very little time.  I am so stressed.  With this limited time, I chose to neglect the one relationship that I should rely on the most.  I spend little time reading the word.  I spend little time praying.  I have little faith.

This is about to change.  No more of this, knowing what to do but not doing it.  No more of this living life in fear.  No more of just trying to get by.  I am going to live my life to please the Lord and no one else.  I am going to become more relational, first with my savior and then those whom he has brought into my life.

Pray for me because this will not be easy.