Unloved and Unlovable

You know that phrase Jesus says to one of the disciples "You of little faith,  why are you so afraid", I am pretty sure that phrase was spoken just for me.  I am not afraid of spiders or snakes or storms.  I might even be called an adrenaline junkie.  I am the one standing on the very edge of the cliff to get a better view.  I am the one that will go skydiving when I can afford it.  If I were in a horror movie I would probably be the first cast member to go because I would be the one walking towards the danger, not away.

My fear is a little more deep rooted and harder to pinpoint than most people.  I am not even sure how to explain my fears.  I think if I had an over encompassing idea of where my fear is seated it would be that my biggest fear is that I am unloved and unlovable.

I am unloved.  I have so many people in my life but my fear is that I am not "good enough" to mean something to them other than an occasional "hey there" or "hope you are doing well".  I am constantly worried that I have upset someone, that I am not very good at my job, that my son would rather be with his dad, the list goes on and on but it all boils down to my fear of not being significant enough for those whom I love to love me in return.  

I am unlovable.  So not only do those who are in my life not love me, there is no possible way they could love me.  I am not "good enough" to be loved.  I am afraid that I will loose my current relationships if I do something to upset them.  I am afraid that I will be alone or never have any more children.  

Just typing out those two paragraphs I know how unfounded those fears are.  One reason I know that is by the amount of people I know I have people rooting for me in my corner.  The other reason I know these fears to be off base is because of the focus of them.  If you pay attention to what I wrote about my focus is not where it should be.  I am putting a ton of faith in the people around me rather than faith the size of a mustard seed in my Heavenly Father.  My fear is in people rather than having my Hope in Christ.  My heart is set on shifting sand rather than the Rock of Salvation.

I want to have the faith that He asks of me.  I want my focus to be on Him.  I want to feel again, but I don't want to feel fear.  I want to feel that burning desire to know Him.  I do not want my fears and my lack of faith to keep me from being close to Him.  I am not sure how to get there but I know I want to be there! Any suggestions and prayers would be appreciated :)