The Rainbows of Nursing

My job is not the most glamorous.  The idea of a nurse is a lot more appealing than the work of a nurse.  Most days my job consists of medication, assessing, more medicine, charting and more medicine, oh and lets not forget about the charting again.  Not to mention the amount of bodily fluids I get to look at and clean up.... Defiantly not the most glamorous jobs I could have chosen.

But I would be lying if I said I did not love my job.  Despite all of the smelly, unappealing, and down right disgusting aspects of my job, there is a beauty in it that I would not find in any other profession.  I could probably go on for hours on quite a few topics, but after a day like today, two come to mind.  1) I am grateful for the life I have because it could always be worse.  2)I am grateful that I get to play a part in helping those who are on the receiving end of "it could be worse."

The average person is going to have average stressors, and they are going to display average response to those stressors.  Everyone is going to feel "depressed" once in a blue moon.  Everyone is going to get "anxious" from time to time.  Everyone is going to loose their cool.  There is a whole array of emotions that we will go through.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  But, I get to see people at their worst, most vulnerable times of their life.  I hear the story's they can't always tell, I see the pain they are trying to hide, I feel the sorrow that they can not help but convey and my heart breaks.  It breaks out of sorrow for the stories I cant change, the pain I cant ease, and the sorrow I can't take away.  But it also breaks with immense joy for my "average" trials and tribulations that I have faced.  These glimpses of "it could be worse" I see in my patients are like God's little rainbows for me to see.  His promise that He is taking care of me and He is in control, even when I don't see it.

My job, what I get paid to do, puts me in a unique position to minister to people in their "It CAN NOT get any worse than this" situations.  I hold the hand of a grieving loved one.  I am the "mamma bear" protecting my patient from their actual mother.  I am the cheerleader on the side line dressed in nurses scrubs cheering a bed-ridden pt as he takes his first steps in months.  I am the silent listener to some much needed venting.  I am the presences when loneliness starts to creep in.  I can find a smile when all we want to do is cry.  I am the soft touch when all they know is the hard hand of defeat.  I am used.  I am used by God to be somebody's "rainbow".  Somebody's promise that God hears their cries, feels their hurts and see's their tears.  Somebody's promise that He cares and He is there for them.

I am only one measly nurse.  There are so many more out there.  One's who are funnier, more compassionate or one who is not as socially awkward as I am.  I can not change the world.  I can not fix every problem.  I can not undo what has been done.  But, for 36 hours a week, I get to be a promise.  I get to be a Rainbow to a Child of God.        

There is Only Grace

Music is by far one of my favorite things.  I love having it on while I'm driving, at home, and while I am working out.  It has the power to evoke emotion when I feel nothing, bring back memories when my mind is blank, say the words that I didn't know how to say.  There is a song that literally said word for word exactly what has been on my heart for the last year or so.  The song is "How Can It Be" by Lauren Daigle and the verse that really hit me was:

"I've been hiding, 

Afraid I'll let you down,

Inside I doubt that you could love me,

But in Your eyes there is only grace."

There was a time in my life that I knew my heart was where He wanted it.  I knew that my desires were in-line with His.  But then life got in the way.  I thought I had it all figured out so I stopped searching.  And as I stopped searching, the road got a lot wider and more crowded with "things".  By "things" I mean sin.  By sin I mean thinking that I knew best, that I didn't need to seek his guidance because I knew what I wanted out of life.  And pretty soon, the things I wanted out of life were no longer in line with what He wanted.  And pretty soon the things I thought I had wanted were no longer what I wanted, they were dragging me down, I was making horrible decisions, and slowly and then more quickly I was lost and confused.  I wanted to hide. Hide from the mess I had made and the God that I ignored.  

I wanted to hide because I knew I had let Him down.  I am the type of person who it's all or nothing.  I screwed up, a lot, so therefore there is nothing that He would want.  NOTHING that deserved grace because there was A LITTLE that was not right.  I was afraid to try again because I had already failed.  And if I can't be perfect at my walk then there was no point in trying. 

Boy, was I wrong.  The first glimpse I got of this was with my son.  That kid screws up all the time.  He sins.  He lies, he cheats, he disobeys.  But there is nothing that he has done or will do that has made me stop loving him.  There is nothing that he has done and that he could do that will make me turn my back on him as his mom.  There is plenty that he could do that would make me want to correct him, guide him, and teach him.  So if I feel that way about my son, why wouldn't my Heavenly Father, whoes love is perfect, want the same from me. 

As the song says, there is only grace in his eyes.   There is forgiveness.  It was already given, freely I might add.  It is an all or nothing sort of thing.  But not the type that I mistakenly thought.  It's not all perfection or no point.  It is all of Him and none of me.  I can do nothing to make Him turn His back, He has already given all of Himself.  There is nothing I can do to earn His grace, other than ask for it.  I am going to screw up.  I am going to fall.  But there is no condemnation, no hell-fire and brimstone.  There is only forgiveness.  There is only grace.

 http://bit.ly/epLDhcib

Let's Try This Again

The last blog I wrote was full of self-criticism and self-hate.  I did not post it because the whole post totally devalues everything I wanted this blog to portray.  I want to show growth, not belittling.  I want to encourage, not tear down.  I want to be honest, not self denying.

Let me explain the self-denying portion.  I am very quick to think the worst about myself.  I am the first to find a flaw in what ever it is that I am doing or whatever it is that I look or feel like that day.  But when those thoughts are what I use to give myself value, then I am denying myself of my God-Given beauty.  I am smart.  I may not be as smart or witty as the girl sitting next to me (though in this case it is an invisible one since I am sitting alone) but my "brains" are going to be used in a unique way that I was created for and no one else.  I may not be the most physically pleasing to the male sex as the other invisible girl next to me, but my body was fearfully and wonderfully made and bore a beautiful boy and focuses more on taking care of him and others around it than itself.

When those thoughts come to me I am denying myself the confidence that comes with being a woman, the certainness that comes with being a daughter of our Heavenly Father, the sureness that comes with being the bride of Christ.  I don't want to reduce myself to a handful of lies.

When I honestly look at myself, I can see that I am special and unique.  I may not be a good fit for everyone and I may drive a lot of people crazy, but the people who I am meant to impact and share my life with, I am perfect.  To the purpose I have, I am smart enough.  For the man I will spend my life with, I am beautiful. And to the Father I worship, I am everything I need to be.

Foundation

Today I attended a workshop on leadership.  I honestly went into it trying to figure out how I am going to stay awake since I am horrible at just sitting in lectures.  But I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself engaged in the learning experience.

There was a section on balance between mind, body, and spirit.  We answered a few questions, scored ourselves, and found out how balanced we were between the three.  We then went and stood with others whose highest scores matched our own.  Next, a discussion ensued about why we feel like that area is our strength.  I am not very articulate when speaking so I listened to other answers, chimed in bits and pieces, but I did not really have much on the topic. Well that was until I did my own personal reflection.

My strongest area is spiritual.  And I was no where near balanced!  The kicker of this revelation is that developing my spiritual awareness has actually NOT been my focus in quite some time.  I focus on the changes I need to make with my body in order to be healthy, or how I need to  continue to develop my mind because we are always learning and growing, but I have not made my spiritual development a priority.

I go to church periodically, I pray sporadically , I read my Bible occasionally, but that aspect of my life has been put on the back burner for soooo long.  So the fact that that was my highest score surprised me.

But it let me see just how foundational Christ's presences is in us when we truly become one of His.  Yes I need to nurture and focus on that relationship.  Yes, it should be a priority in my life.  Yes the fact that it has been on the back burner is nothing to brag about.

But, what I can brag about is the fact that my heart is changed.  The second I opened up my Heart and chose to follow Him, He became the foundation of who I am.  He is still evident even when I hide my light.  He is still present when I am consumed with myself.  He is still glorified even when I do not make Him a priority.  That is just how magnificent my Savior is.  I am racked with sin, I have let Him down, but He has not turned His back on me.  His love is still my rock, it is my cornerstone.  He may have built up this magnificent wall, but I let my sin put cracks in that wall and my fears tear down portions of it, but the foundation of who I am and who I will become, even when it is not a priority, has not and will not change.  And that puts my heart at peace! :)

Yesterday and Tomorrow but Never Today

There are two words that need to exit my vocabulary immediately!  Those words are "tomorrow" and "yesterday".

Everyday I live, those two words dictate my entire day, my decisions, the activities we do, the people I see, my drive to work work out, my eating habits, my time with my son.

Tomorrow I will start a diet
Tomorrow I will play with Kole more.
Tomorrow I will work out.
Tomorrow I will clean the house
Tomorrow I will go see this person or that person
Tomorrow I will sell my It Works
Tomorrow I will overcome this complacency
Tomorrow I will read my Bible...
Tomorrow. Tomorrow. TOMORROW

Yesterday I worked hard, so I don't need to go work out
Yesterday I was hurt by someone so I will close my heart up
Yesterday I didn't sleep well so I will sleep all day today
Yesterday I blah blah blah

I can not LIVE if these two words are going to be part of my vocabulary.  And if you think about it there never really is a tomorrow.  Tomorrow always turns into today.  and then I am in the same boat.  Waiting for tomorrow and blaming yesterday.

Well no more!  My tomorrow is right now and my yesterday never was!  My life will change.  I will have my todays!  Today is the day that my excuses are no more.  Tomorrow is only a date.  Yesterday is a memory not a shackle.

But most importantly, Today is the day that I LIVE for the One who DIED for me.  Today is the day that I repent.  Today is the day that His love is enough.  Today is the day that my body becomes His temple.  I am made for so much more than my yesterdays and tomorrows.  I am meant to be His everyday.

Yes, Little Butterfly

Someone once told me to see a white butterfly is like seeing Jesus. Pure and powerful.  He sends them when we need Him. I saw one today.  This is a little different than how I usually write but here you go...

Yes, little butterfly I see you.  You fly by my right arm.  Just barely to far away for me to touch. You land on my rose bush. You claim it as Your own.  Soon, You take off and fly right above my head.  Your next destination is my purple bush.  You show me Your creation.  You take off and fly a loop around my gladiolus, showering  them with Your presence. Yes, little butterfly, I see you.

Yes, little butterfly, I feel you.  You bring peace whenever I see You.  You show up when my heart is heavy just to fill me with tranquility.  I feel the breeze on my skin, through my hair, like the faintest touch of your hand to bring me comfort.  Yes, little butterfly, I feel you.

Yes, little butterfly, I hear You.  I hear You call Your creation beautiful.  Everything you touch is a masterpiece.  You created it for a purpose.  You love every masterpiece despite its flaws, failures, and sins.  I hear Your calm Spirit tell me nothing is to ugly, to far gone, or to jaded for You.  Yes, little butterfly,  I hear you.

Yes,, little butterfly I am beautiful.
Yes, little butterfly, I am Yours.

Choosing Joy

Feelings are a funny thing.  The other day I was sitting there and I smelled Kole.  He didn't stink but he smelled warm.  Like he used to when he was a baby and I would rock him to sleep.  It was the same smell and I had an overwhelming  burst of love for that child.  My child.  It was like a tightness in my diaphragm.

Then the other day that child told me no.  I got angry and felt the same feeling in my diaphragm.  The tightness but it was tied to a totally different feeling.

It's crazy how the mind body and spirit all interact.  How physically I can feel something and emotionally it can be a few different things.  God's creation is so complex.  He created us to feel and have life on this body and created this body to feel and have life.  So there are so many chemical and systemic reactions that correspond with how we think and feel.  Most of the time a persons balance works and it does not cause issues.  But sometimes, like I think in my case it gets all out of wack.  Blame it on what you will.  My switch from days to nights, the sad times I went through that got me mixed up and unable to get back to homeostasis, just lack of sunlight.  Who knows what caused it but I do know that I am experiencing depression lately.

I am tired. Oh so tired all the time.

I have tried to work out.  I have tried praying.  I have tried just bucking up and faking till I make it but that's not working.  I'm too tired.  I'm too restless to focus.  I have no me time.  I do what I can to please everyone else.  But I forget about myself.  And the cycle continues.

It's time to break it. I have already put my plan A (diet and exercise) and plan B (medication) into action.  I am choosing joy.  And I am using my resources to help me.  A new and happier Kristy is coming to you and this world better watch out :)