Sorry Not Sorry

I went to get my tattoo today!!  Yay :)  I asked the artist to write I am in font close to what I already had.  She did exactly that.  The only thing I forgot to tell her is that I wanted the "am" capitalized.  When I asked her to change it I think I apologized to her about 5 times.  It is my tattoo, I have to wear it, it was not a big deal to rewrite it (which literally took 30 seconds), so my little request does not require that much remorse or 5 apologies.  Later, when she needed a copy of my drivers which is their policy for any tattoo, she apologized to me for that.

"I am sorry" is said so easily.  I say it to my son.  I say it to my family, friends, patients so often that I do not even realize that I am saying it.  But, when I say those words with out any thought, they mean nothing.  Most of the time, I am not really sorry.  I just say it to appease the other person.

No Kole I am not sorry you have to follow the rules.
No my narcotic seeking pt, I am not sorry you have to wait for the safe amount of time to pass before I give you some more paid meds.
No friend or family member, I am not sorry that I am too tired after a 13 hour shift to come over or hang out.

The word is so over used the true meaning and emotion behind those words that should be there are nonexistent.  When it should be an acknowledgment of remorse for some wrongdoing I have committed, it is just a phrase muttered out of habit.  When it should be my promise for a change of action, it is just a fleeting conversation that is soon forgotten.

But when it really matters, and when I really need to truly be sorry I fail to say or even acknowledge the need to say the words.  To truly be sorry, I need to truly be asking for forgiveness.  To truly be sorry, I need to be seeking a heart change.  To truly be sorry I should feel remorse.

Lately I have felt a wall between God and I.  I have had this wall for a couple years now.  And I think I finally found out where that wall stands.  It stands in-front of my empty sorry.  I used to think the wall stood because I was not perfect.  But if that was the case, then all of us would have this wall.  My wall is standing on and because of all of my "sorry"'s or "please forgive me"'s that I utter with not real meaning behind them.  My heart does not feel it.  I know that I am making no real effort to actually change.  I know that I am just going to justify my action.  I know that I am just going to make a deal with God so I can keep doing that same sin.

God does not want my words.  God does not want my empty promises or half hearted truths.  He already knows that I am not sorry even before I lie to myself and to Him.  He wants my heart so that He can make it new.  I may not be sorry at this moment, but I can pray that He starts to change my heart so that I will become moldable.  I do not want to continue with this wall.  It is driving me crazy.  And I am not sorry right now.  But I want to be sorry.  I am not remorseful at this present moment.  But I want to be.  And even though it is not where I am supposed to be for the most fulfilling relationship, it is a place to start so that I can once again break down this wall of emptiness.