Just Cut it Off

I have had this patient the last several days that I worked.  When I first had said patient it was quiet, shaky, would barely say one word to you.  (I hate the use of it on a human but to remain gender nuteral we will call the patient it).  It was in the hospital due to a horrible infection in one of its feet.  Most of the tissue on that foot was dead and needed to be cut off.  They had tried cleaning it out and giving antibiotics.  Nothing was allowing this foot to heal.  There are a few other medical reasons why this infection was so bad but the bottom line was: The foot needed to come off.  There was a horrible odor coming from this area each time you walked by.  The patient was clearly deteriorating.  The foot looked disgusting.  They tried everything they could think of to keep this necrotic foot attached.

On one of my evenings of work this pt returned back from surgery.  They had preformed an amputation to the affected leg.  And let me tell you the difference in this person was astounding.  The patient was awake, alert, carrying on whole conversations with you.  It was like night and day.  Just removing this necrotic tissue did wonders for this very sick patient.

This made me start thinking of the sin I have in my life.  This sin keeps me from being healthy and vital.  It starts in one area and it may start as a little compromise, but it can soon turn into a huge life altering illness.  The only difference between my sin and this necrotic foot is that my sin looks appealing.  It is clothed as everything I could ever want.  It starts as a tiny desire, a tiny want.  Then I start to dwell in that thought or desire.  I may initially pray about it but soon my prayers become less about what He wants from me and more about what I want from Him.

The first thing that comes to mind is food.  It is soooo easy to justify unhealthy behaviors when it comes to food.  For me it is often I will just have this one treat, and it soon turns into days of just this one multiple treat.  Or even better, I do not like to cook.  Actually, I love to cook, I just hate cooking for only 2 people and I hate cleaning up that mess even more.  So we just don't cook.  We eat out.  And I often let Kole pick because I have making decisions (probably another blog for another day :D)  So we just live in this unhealthy place of eating out and not eating the foods that are good for us.  So my little compromises that look appealing and do not seem too far off base turn into a struggle with weight and self-image that My Heavenly Father never wanted me to experience in the first place.

Or dating.  This is another big one for me.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to date again.  Believe me I have asked myself this question repeatedly.  Biblically would I be able to get remarried?  I know the most common answer is Yes.  But I didn't want common.  I wanted the answer that when I stood before the Lord I could say that I searched His word and His will and knew that this was what would bring Him the most glory, even if it was not the answer I had wanted.  Well after searching and praying about that answer my answer is yes, I will get remarried one day.  So this beautiful hope that I have for mine and Kole's future has somehow become this nagging expectation I have.  This expectation that I have for Him to provide this hope for us like yesterday.  So I stop focusing on my hope for who He plans on bringing for Kole and I and start dwelling on the letdown of who he has not provided for us as of yet.  And me being me I find myself very easily being sucked into this place where my faith starts to crumble a little bit.  I start questioning what I know to be the truth He has revealed to me.

That is what illness can and will do if you let it.  That is what sin can and will do if you let it.  Its a little tiny spark and can build into a uncontrolled flame that starts burning up your hope, your joy, your patience, your faith.  So just like the foot, I should just cut it off.  Right?!  Nip it at the bud, stop it at its source, amputate the sin.  If only it were that easy!

I can't just stop eating... That would be the easy thing to do.  I can't really just stop eating out.  That is not feasible for Kole and I.  I don't want to give up on the hope of remarriage.  I don't think I am supposed to.  So how do I get rid of this illness that has overtaken my joy in who my Father is and who my Father made me??

This is the part where I stumble and hesitate.  I am reminded of Romans 7:19  "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  This perfectly describes my heart right now.  I am not really sure how to get out of this little rut that I am in.  I am usually pretty good at problem solving.  I identify the problem and find ways to fix it.  I know my problem, but I can't see the solution.  Maybe thats because I am too tired, I do not want to see it, or maybe its not my problem to fix.  Maybe I just need to keep laying this at His feet because I am powerless to fix myself.  I need the Great Physician, the Almighty Healer.  My ailments can only be healed by His blood.  I just have to let go of them...