I Will Celebrate

Today is my day.  It is a day to celebrate motherhood and everything that goes along with it.  The drastic change of my body after carring an infant that was twice my weight when I was born, the sleepless nights that followed, the inevitable golden shower, the temper tantrums, the exhaustion.  But let's not forget the first smile, the first laugh, the first mamma, the first and countless I love you's, the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles, the conversations about Jesus.  This is prob the most challenging and most rewarding role I have ever had to play.

I knew when I found out I was pregnant that this was not going to be easy.  I knew that I would love this person with all my heart.  As soon as I found out we were going to be bringing a child into this broken world a fierce and overprotective demeanor took over.  I knew I would do anything to protect him.

What I didn't know was that my dream of a perfect, well adjusted family was only and illusion and my reality of motherhood would be one that I had vowed to prevent in any way I could.  I would get a glimpse of  this reality when I was 8 months pregnant. This is the time I fist contemplated having to do this partially on my own.  My illusion and reality started blending when Kole was a year old and I had asked his dad to move out.  I thought we had worked things out until Kole was two and my illusion can tumbling down.

I became a single mom. I really do not think that phrase fits me.  Our marriage may not have worked. I may complain about something's but I have never been totally on my own with Kole.  His dad still sees him three nights a week.  He will support me and stick up for me like the time that Kole told me he wished I would die (not that he knew what he was saying), but his dad had a very long and difficult conversation with him.  His dad is the one that prayed with him when he accepted Jesus.  So I am not a single mom in every since of the word.  But when I have Kole, I am on my own.  I love and dicipline.  I plan, pay for, and protect him as a single mom when he is at my house.

I often find fault in myself when it comes to parenting.  I get angry with him frequently.  I yell too often.  We do not eat organic, healthy, or homemade meals very often.  I like to sleep a little to much and leave him to his own devices more than not.  I do not play with Legos every time he asks.  He still does not know how to tie his shoes.  He can be rather pesky to other people and I often worry if he is annoying them.  I have brought men into his life who were not Godly examples of what a man should be.  I have failed him many many times.

BUT!  I apologize every time I am angry and short for no reason.  My son is not with out food, clothes, toys, food, shelter when he is with me.  I sleep to much because I work long crazy hours at work that drain me of what energy I do have.  It is not going to kill him to play by himself and could even help build his imagination.  He does annoy people, but he is 6 and I don't know any 6 year old that does not annoy someone.  When men do come into his life who are not good for us, they don't stay long.  I fail him every day.  But I also love him every day.  Show him grace every day.  Show him how to overcome mistakes.  I pray for him every day.  My failures pale in comparison to the small and meaningful times that we laugh, play, smile, hug, cuddle, talked about Jesus.

I am not a bad mom.  I am not a perfect mom.  But I am a mom who depends upon Jesus everyday she wakes up.  I am a mom that shows Kole the love of Jesus on a daily basis.  I am a mom who has refused to settle and let circumstances get her down.  My child is loved, loves Jesus, loves others, and is well cared for.  So I will celebrate this day as his mom.  Not just this day but every day, because no one else gets the privilege of being his mother.  I will celebrate that I get to show and teach Jesus's love to this child who is brimming with excitement to share it.  I will celebrate because even though I am a single mom, I am never alone.  I have a perfect Parent guiding and showing me how to be the mother that Kole needs.

Churchin' it up..