My Problem

I am not a fan of cleaning.  I usually do the mare minimum to make the house look presentable and then call it good.  Usually that entails me shoving what I can in whatever space is open and forget about it later.  Just recently I had to organize my house because I had a friend move in and so I went through all of my hiding places and I was extremely surprise how much junk I had and how messy my house actually was.  On the surface things looked great and spic and span, by on the inside my house was just a bunch of junk crammed into already filled spaces.

That is how we are in life sometimes too.  We have this image that we show everyone, this mirage of what we are supposed to look like and hardly every do people see the realy you.  The real struggles, the real reason behind what you are saying or doing.  Take me for example.  Most days, if I am walking in church or in work I do not make eye contact.  I do not usually start conversations.  And I come off as being a total "B". But, if I let you see what was really going on in my hear and my heart it would go a little more like this:  I walk by these people who I would really like to talk to or get to know but I know that I am good enough, funny enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough for whom ever it is that I may encounter that day.  Let me rephrase the beginning part of that... I think I am not good enough. 

I am pretty open about my insecurities but there are other aspects of my life that very few people know about.  Deeper struggles and desires that I can not get rid of even though I wish I could.  But on the outside no one would could know this.  I do such a good job at wearing a mask that sometimes even I start to believe the facade.  

I have a ton more examples I can think of.  That youth pastor on the outside who is a sex addict on the inside, that health nut on the outside but a food addict on the inside, the got it together stay at home mom on the outside, but the depressed alone and angry woman on the inside, the rich business man on the outside but the drowning in debt and addiction lost soul on the inside. Or even the strong independent single mom who does not need any help on the outside but the scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl on the inside.

What you get on the outside is hardly every what is going on inside of people.  We take all of our junk that we do not want people to see and hide it deep down in the closets of our heart that should already be filled by the Holy Spirit.  We tend to think that people would never love us or even like us if they really knew what was going on.  Or we are so wrapped up in our own sin and/or selfishness to know what our heart really wants.  I do not know how many times I have heard justification for a behavior and if you really look deep at what the real issue you, hardly ever do the coincide.  

We think that if we have this perfect little mask up for everyone to see then we will have an easier life or better standing with people around us or even Christ.  But that is so far from the truth.  From my own experience the more that I try to keep this mask up and the more that I pretend that I am ok, the lonelier and more secluded I become.  The more that I pretend everything is ok and that I have it all figured out the further away from my Savior I become because I stop relying on Him and continue to rely on this mask that all of you see.  

I often put up these premisses so that I will not look bad to those around me but really it does not matter what those people think.  Even those closest to me.  If I look amazing and sparkly on the outside but am a total disaster on the inside I am not making my Father happy.  There are numerous times in the Bible, the Word of God, that show me that.  I do not want to have it all figured out because then I will stop relying on the one that really matters!  I am still not sure how I should change this. But I guess the first step is always identifying the problem.  So my problem in once condensed statement:  Hi I am Kristy, I am a scared, lonely, helpless tired single mom who likes to pretend to be a strong independent woman so that people who not matter will think better of me and the God who loves me more than anything can't change the fact that I am a scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl.