Stories

I was listening to the radio today and they were talking about God stories. I love God stories. This got me thinking about the creativity of God. I have come to the conclusion that God loves to tell stories. He uses our lives to manifest His creativity.

You can either think of it as a song or a book. I am going to think of it as a book because I love to read. My life has many chapters. He has written about how children can overcome hardships. He has written about adults overcoming hardships. And all the while His undertones, or the writing between the lines, has been that He is always there. Even if I chose to ignore that fact. Or even when I chose to let it be present in every sentence that we write. Many of you know my story up till now. A childhood with out a father, yet He put a grandpa in my life to show His love. A mother who was addicted to drugs and alcohol off and on, yet, He gave her the strength to overcome and He put a grandmother in my life to provide what we needed. A sister whom I have an amazing connection with. And a brother whom the Lord has shown a different type of love trough. All of these are things that he chose to write about in my child hood. My adulthood is full of trials and overcoming. And full of love. Love of a wife, husband, a son, and many friends would be the theme of the last few chapters. But, again, the overriding theme in it all is that He has been there, waiting for me, loving me and eventually becoming my everything.

I can not wait to get to heaven. I can not imagine how many different stories I will be able to read. Stories of His power, love, grace, justices. All fascinating me for the same reason: They will all bring the Lord glory. And I will be able to look at my Creator in awe of the wonderful plot-lines He has created.

So I will end it with what is your story? Is the Lord still only the undertones? Or have you let Him use your story to show His glory?

Purpose

I have been having a hard time the last couple of days. My whole world has been turned up side down and in side out. I am going trough some life changes and they are making me rethink everything I had thought about myself in previous times.

I used to think I was a good student. It turns out that I am not. I have "failed" ( I use that term loosely because failing a test in nursing is different than other departments in higher education) two tests. So no longer can I identify myself as a good student. I used to think I was a good wife. But I keep finding ways that I fail Kane each and every day that, I am having a hard time identifying myself as a good wife. I used to consider myself as a good mom, but again, everyday I see areas in which I fail Kole that I am reluctant to use "good" and "mom" in the same sentence.

I used to think I was a good Christian. But every day I see where I have let God down. Whether it be by my fear or my reluctance to share His work in my life. What always catches me off guard is my selfishness. I "serve", but am expecting something in return or have ulterior motives so its not really serving. I want what I want and I want it now. I expect everyone to want to listen to what I have to say and think that it is more important than the homeless guy sitting on the corner begging for food.

I have had this song stuck in my head. I don't even like it but for some reason it won't go away. The part that is stuck in my head is "This is your life, are you who you wanna be." So I hear that and I start thinking to myself, "yea this is my life and I am going to be the smartest woman here, or the best mother in the world. This is my life right?"

Well as much I want to control my life and be who I wanna be, I can not. I have failed miserably at being me and running my life. And the reason behind my failure is that my whole thought process is wrong.

This is not my life. When I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and chose to live for him, I lost my life and he took it. I am no longer going to be "who I wanna be" but who He has called me to be.

Who is that I ask? Is it a wife? Well yes, I am already one so I am called to die to myself so that Christ may love my husband. Is it to a a mom? Well yes, I already am one and who was defiantly on huge miracle from the Lord. So I know that He has called me to show Christ's love to this precious life that was created during a time of extreme distress for Kane and I. I also know that I am going to have another baby. NO I AM NOT PREGO. But the closer I get to Christ, the more I want another baby. I also know that I am supposed to be a student, because every time I asked him to show/tell me where he wanted me, it was in school.

So here I am. In my bedroom. A wife. A mother. A student. But, most importantly, a tool. A tool that the Lord has placed in this specific situation for a reason. I do not know what that reason will look at. But I do know that He has me primed and ready. No I just have to wait on him.

Look out world here I come. :D

2 Thessalonians 1:11
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.

Opportunities

I am in that point in life in which I have an amazing opportunity. This opportunity has nothing to do with money because, though God has blessed us and pulled us trough so many times using so many people, we still do not have a whole lot of money. This opportunity has nothing to do with a job because there is no way I could hold down a job right now. It has nothing to do with making new friends, though I am sure I will make quite a few of those in the coming years.

This opportunity has even greater meaning and reward. I have the opportunity to be weak. To lose myself. I do not have to be perfect. All I have to do is let Him shine trough me. All I have to do is let Him do the work for me. All I have to do is rest in Him.

I am going to nursing school. It is the third hardest thing I have done so far in my short lifetime. I have wanted to quit a few times. I have cried more times these last two weeks than I have in the last couple of months. But the beauty of it all, the thing that keeps me going, is the fact that I have this amazing opportunity! I can not do this. I know that I can't. I have tried on my own and almost quit. But I know that He can. I know that He is with me. Here are my God story to prove that I am where He wants me.

On Friday I had a quiz. I studied for this one at 4 in the morning. When I get there, I read the second question and I have no idea what it was asking! Needless to say, I started freaking out. I skipped it and came back and just started praying. Please help me remember this word. I have no idea what it is supposed to be used for. And in my mind He whispers "stretch" and of course it was the right answer. I know the Lord gave that to me. I know that He was there with me.

My second story is about today. We were at church and Kane was praying. He is being affected by this change as well. He has to put up with a mess more than he would like. He has to distract Kole more that he used to. As much as he is trying, we are still getting things worked out. But as he is praying, the Lord led him to tell me that the Lord knows that what I am doing is not easy, but I am doing a good job and He is proud of me.

My life goal is to put a smile on His face instead of a tear to His eyes. And I have that opportunity to do that. And for today, I am succeeding. What is your opportunity? Is it to serve someone? A friend, a spouse, a stranger, a child, a mother? Is it to lead a soul or many souls to Christ? Is it to finally come to Christ? Every day we each have the same opportunity. To bring glory to God which is what it is all about. Let His light shine!

Change is in the air :D

I am a little depressed. I am so tired of the way people treat each other. I am tired of the selfishness in people. I am so tired of everyone ignoring their sin. Pretending like it does not exist. Like we have done nothing wrong and it is all the other persons fault. I am so tired of expectations. I am so tired of trying to be perfect. I am so tired of fake people.

I hate pretending. I hate to have to pretend that everything is ok or risk being called a whiney baby or make someone mad at me. I am tired of being my own encourager. I am tired doing this all on my own. I am tired of thinking everything in life is horrible. I am tired of people being mad at me. I am tired of trying to not make them mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of not taking the encouragement I have been given. I am tired of making people mad at me. I am tired of sining. I am tired of watching those around me sin. I am tired of God's heart breaking by those he calls his own. Those he went after for his kingdom. And those he wants us to go after for his kingdom.

Who is the real you? Are you pretending? Are you faking? We heard a sermon at church yesterday about being authentic. If you have time read the sermon on the mount. Because you have probably committed adultery and murder. Your words and actions say one thing but your heart does not. Jesus loves when we do wonders and small things in his name, but if you are not doing them with the heart of Jesus, then they don't matter at all.

Sin is not just a one time deal. It is not, well I have overcome it so I do not need to worry about it. It is always there. Creeping up while you are unaware. And then it is there. And you are so far lost in it that you cant find your way out. It starts small. One thing here and one thing there. You don't notice or you justify and then all of the sudden we have major issues on our hands because of days, weeks or years of justifying and ignoring. We are supposed to be the body of Christ. We are supposed to work together. Instead, all I seem to see is sin and selfishness. And I am tired of it.

I am going to make a change. I am going to be who God created me to be. I am going to bring him glory by letting others know what He has done for me. I am going to bring him Glory because people are going to know that I am not perfect but He is. I am going to bring him glory because I am going to become a living breathing prayer. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to sin but am not going to be afraid to confess and ask for forgiveness from those that I have hurt. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to forgive those who have sinned, even when they do not ask. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to love even when I am hurting. I am going to bring him Glory because of what He has done for us? Are you? Or are you going to forget what He has done for you?

Can I have you?

I am frustrated. I am frustrated at myself. I am frustrated at superficial faith that seems to be prominent in my life. Oh sure, I love God, but I like to doubt. Oh sure I love God, but I love myself more. More than the person sitting in the room with me. More than the baby sleeping in the room next to us. More than the homeless man sitting on the corner. More than that teenager who has no idea who God are and His love for her because of the abuse she has suffered at the hands of her father her whole life. Oh sure, I love God, but let me keep this thing that I can live with out. Oh sure, I want God to take my sin, but let me just keep this one little sin. It is not hurting any one. My greed, lust, anger, laziness, worry, it hurts no one so I will just hold on to it.

I need to give myself a wake up call. My greed keeps others from the blessings that the Lord has for them. My lust for things I dont have just throws what I have been given back in the face of those who gave/provided a way to make it possible. My anger is lashed out on two of the most amazing man/boy that I know. My laziness just adds stress to my life and those in it. My worry is basically killing me and I know that would not be easy for a lot of people.

Most importantly it hurts my savior. Yea, that man who died. That perfect man. He never sinned. Ohhhhh he was tempted let me tell you, well the Bible can tell you, but He chose not to sin. That man who took all of the sin in the world. That man who was sweating blood because he knew what was going to happen. But what where some of his last words?

Let me tell you. He prayed that what ever it was that he had to do that the Lord take it away, but if it is his will then he will do it. He was not just talking about a physical death. He could have handled that. He was sweating blood over the fact that for a brief period of time, he was COMPLETELY separated from the Father and the Holy spirit. Why you ask? Well because of my sin. Because of your sin. Yea that sin you refuse to let go of. Yea that one.. That one you try to hide from him. Yea that one... That one that is pulling you further and further away from the relationship he has in store with him for you. Yea that one...

Why do we like to hurt him? Why does it bring us so much pleasure to us that we chose to break his heart all over again. You know the reason why he died? So he could be close to us forever. The reason why he died is so that we would never have to feel that complete separation for eternity. That separation that made him so scared and stressed that he sweated blood. Are you going to chose to let your sin separate you from the ONE perfect man? Or are you going to lay it at the cross where it belongs.

Let it go. All the pain and suffering you think you need to keep. All the greed and lust that you think you can't stop. All the hurt caused by your "fathers" hands. All the hurt caused by those who "love you". All the control we think we need to have. Lay it there. Let yourself be free from it and live in Him. He gives you his spirit. The love, hope, power, grace, forgiveness. All you have to do is ask and receive and use... He is at your door and knocking. Asking you "Can I have you? All of you? Even the ugly? Especially the awesome. Can I have you?"

Hmmm

Why is it that I am struggling with this blog? I have actually wrote it and rewrote it a total of 3 times. I usually wait to be inspired. And I have been...boy have I been inspired these last few days. I wanted to write on Love so I started then I did not like it. I wanted to write on power so I started it and did not like. I started to write about power again and I still did not like so I deleted it al...

So here I am. Knowing that I have had enough inspiration to last me a while and to make up several blogs but I just can not decide what to write about. So I decided to write about the one thing that this all encompasses: God.

For so long I have had God in this box. This box is what I like to call a comfort zone. I was to afraid to move past my salvation. I was to afraid to go deeper. Probably because I was scared of being inadequate. I am actually still scared of not being enough or good enough to do the work that the Lord has laid out for me. I mean my whole life I have not been enough for some people to stay around for (a lot of friends and some of my family). What made me think that I was good enough for some awesome God to work trough me for some awesome cause?

The truth is I am not good enough or enough for the Lord's work. If you want to get down to it, the less of me there is in any of the work the Lord has for me, the more the Lord can actually work. I have recently been talking to some people whom the Lord had been working through in amazing ways. And I look at them and think to myself how awesome it would be to be used like that. And then I start trying to be perfect. To think of the words to say or the actions I need for that particular time. But that is just it... I try. Instead of me losing myself in the Lord and in power of the Lord, I try with my own power. And that is not going to get any one any where except for heart ache and disappointment.

What are you trying to do with your own power? Are you trying to change someone? Trying to bring someone to salvation? Trying to pay all of your bills? Trying to raise your children? Trying to do your job?

I want to encourage who ever is reading this to stop trying. Lay it all at the Lord's feet. Pray, pray and pray some more. When the opportunity arises for any of these aspects of life, you will be prepared. He will give you the words, he will work in that person for you, he will make himself known trough what ever means necessary for your children. He will not forget his children. The more time you spend seeking what the Lord wants from you, the more successful you will be at whatever you are doing. Maybe not in earthly means but defiantly in heavenly riches, which is all that really matters anyways. And please, please, please do not forget, that person whom is in your life that you are trying to reach, the Lord loves them and wants them even more than you do. He knows their hearts and knows what needs to be said or done and in the end, its not up to you. It is up to the Lord and that person. So, be bold when you need to be and shut up when he tells you to!

This is me

I know I just posted one and I know that I said that I was going to post 3 about the temple tour, but I have had something on my heart all night tonight so I am going to lay it out there!

I am tired of pretending. I am a fake and a hypocrite. Like Paul said, I do not do what I want to do and do what I do not want to do. I lie, mainly to myself. I try to pretend that I am some smart person who knows everything, but when it comes down to it I know next to nothing about just about everything. I am so prideful. I take pride in the fact that I have a brilliant advanced handsome son who warms everybody's hearts. I lust. I want what is not mine. I see what you have or they have or he has and I want it. I am sooo rude. I get snotty with those that I love. I think thoughts about people that I do not know and probably never will based upon the way they look or what they do. I am extremely selfish. Everything is about me. How will that affect my life today? I do not want to help Kole because I am just to tired. I just want a few minuets to myself so I lose my temper with anyone who tires to talk to me. Conversations I have are about what is going on in my life. What is the matter with me. How God is blessing Me. Me Me Me Me Me. Oh yea and by the way ME!!

I am drowning in my sin. I try to run from it but it is always there. I try to hide it, but it always finds me. I try to ignore it but it pokes me just enough. I try to cover it, but it rears its ugly head. I try to camouflage it but it is so distinct that it is unmistakable.

So since I can not do any of the above, I will just give it away. Give it to the one whose life was sacrificed for it. He was pierced 7 times. Each drop of blood that rolled down his body what payment for my sin that I continually chose to do. Every time I sin, I push those thorns a little deeper, the nails a little further, the spear a little harder. I am breaking his heart, everyday. I am sick. Sick of throwing the sacrifice in his face like it meant nothing.

I am done. I am done pretending like I have it all together. I am done pretending that the Lord's work is complete in me. I am done pretending that I understand his ways. I am a sinner. I am a wretch. But I am loved. I am forgiven. I am forever changed. I am perfect in His image. This is me.