Day of Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving Day. A day full of turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie :))). A day full of in-laws, loved ones (or loved in-laws :) just kidding I love my in-laws). A day that we often hear "I am so thankful for _______" (Insert what you will here). This blog will fill my blank.

I am so very thankful for my family. The Ireland family has meant so much to me. This includes G-ma and G-pa, uncles, mother, Cassie and Ryan and cousins and so on and so forth... I would not be who I am today with out their support and their love. I am also thankful for the Preston family. I have only seen them once in the last 15 years or so but I do know that they make it a point to pray for me and my family. The McEntire family is one that I am also very thankful for. This family being the in-laws. Not only have some of them been there for me in times of horrible pain (you know who you are D & L), but this is the family in which my wonderful husband came from. And lastly, but def. not least, I am so very thankful for my husband and my son. These two guys have played a huge role in who I am today. Though the road has not been easy for Kane and I (many of you know the story, and if you don't you should ask because it is a real God story), I would not trade him for anything. I have gotten to see the power of Christ manifested in his victory, and I get to feel the love of God when I look at these two men (or boys). I am also very thankful for all of my friends who have been with me and helped me grow and prayed for me.

But most importantly, I am so very thankful for my relationship with Christ. I was saved when I was 16, but it was superficial until sometime last winter. Again, if you do not know the story you will have to ask. Today, He is my everything. He has given me so many wonderful blessings. He has given me this amazing family that challenge and bless me every single day. He has given me these friends who pray for me on a regular basis. He has given me this ability to go to nursing school so I can fulfill a desire he has placed in my heart. He has given provisions so that my family can make it through these rough financial times. He has given me a peace that gets me through each and every day. He has given me the Holy spirit to do the hard work for me. I can be my self with Him. I am not worried about saying or doing the right things to keep Him loving me. I know that He will love me no matter what I say, do, or look like. He also tells me when I am wrong. Like me thinking that I have to be perfect for my friends, child, or husband to love me. If they can not love me for who God created me to be then that is not my fault, but so often I make it my fault. I am so thankful for Christ dying on the cross for my sins. I am so thankful for who He is, who I am not, and who me makes me become.

Give thanks today. For the blessings that were given to you by His hands. And if you can not be thankful of who Christ is, then take this chance to call on His name and ask for forgiveness and let Him become your everything. If you want me to pray for you or help you through this process (or jut pray in general), please message me via facebook or e-mail and I will for sure do that.

Oh, and thanks for reading this :)

I am crying as I type this :(

I am angry. I am actually so angry I am shaking. I think it is a lot of a little things that have come to a head, but they all boil down to three things. I am tired of people, I am tired of sin, and I am tired of people who sin (including myself). This is a little bit of an unfair statement but hopefully you will understand when you are done reading.

I am tired of repetitive sin. The sin that takes the grace that God has given and throws it back in his face. The sin we somehow think we have overcome or that does not affect us. That sin that we try to hide from everyone, even from ourselves. That sin that we know will hurt others, especially the one's we love) if they knew the truth, even if we do not think it is that bad or even sin at all. The sin that we feel a nagging feeling as we do it, but then promptly forget about it so we do not feel guilt. The sin that we do a little at a time. "Oh this is not to bad" we say to ourselves. Gradually, we move up to "I should probably not do this but its just this once. No one will know and I won't do it again". Then we get to sinning so much that somehow Satan's lie of "I am not good enough to for God or "there is no turning back now" make complete since to you.

I am tired of the sin that tells God what he has given us is not good enough. We want more. We are bored. We know it all. Its all the same thing. When we deny the gifts that God has given, or expect more and more, we, in a way, deny Him and the very essence of who He is. The people he places in our life. The material things we are given out of sheer grace but then we hunger for more. The time that we are given but then we waste it on stupid, trivial stuff.

I am tired of seeing people not loving their neighbors, friends, children, spouses. Why do they not love their spouse? Good question. Is it because they are to fat? To lazy? To stupid? To time consuming? To annoying? To sloppy? To busy? To smart? Complain to much? Not perfect? Or is it just cause we are just so darned selfish to look past ourselves?

We have been given the most amazing gift. I am not talking about heaven because, lets face it, as much as we (or at least I and most of you will secretly have to admit to this as well) try, eternal life with our God and Father seems rather pointless in our day to day life. I am talking about the love that surrounds us from Him when we let it. When we turn away from our sins, or most importantly, turn them over to Him, and let his love and healing surround us, there is no greater gift than that. The gift of amazing grace when we are nothing but wretches. The gift of eternal forgiveness when all we deserve is death. The gift extreme love when we do not deserve it. The gift of being able to love others and know that it not us who does so, but Jesus Christ.

Please do not read this blog and worry about me. I wrote this blog because I am mad and hurt. Hurt by the sin that breaks my Father's heart. I am crying as I type this because I am at a loss of what to do. I want to change the world but I can't. I can only change myself and pray that people can see a little tiny glimpse of God trough my broken heart.

When you read this blog do not look at anything but yourself and your relationship with Christ. Because that is all that matters. And please remember these two things: experience Christ's forgiveness by asking for forgiveness and repenting, and go and sin no more. Well at least try :)

I heart You

I was listening to the radio today about this guy and his wife. He was talking about how he and his wife had been divorced for 3 years. In fact, had not spoken in 3 years. He got the news that his mother had a tumor the size of a baseball on her brain and they were going to do surgery. Before surgery he prayed that if the Lord would let her live a few more years and if that happened, he would follow Christ from then on. He had a sudden urge to call his ex-wife. So he called and they met a week later. He walked in they hugged, and he looked around. The table was set, she was dressed and she said "welcome home, I have dinner ready for you." She then brought him a Bible with his name on it. She said that she had it for him and that she had been praying for him. He then proceeded to ask what she had that he did not. She told him that it was Christ and, then and there, he gave his life over for good, not just as a bargain.

The first aspect of this story that caught my attention was the wife waiting for her husband. Of course marriage stories are going to catch my attention because mine defiantly has not been a cake walk, but the Lord has used it for his glory. But the other part that caught I marveled at was how awesome God is. Three years! How patient was that wife! How humble was that husband! How awesome is it that God had prepared the way in advance and they both responded to his urgings.

The other aspect that I think is amazing is the Lord's love. He used these two broken, wounded people to show his love. It was not something she talked about. She did not say one word to him during the whole time. She just prayed. And then waited. His love that she experienced for her husband was enough. God took care of the rest.

Love is a tricking thing. So often its a feeling. So often is an action. So often we try to earn our love. If I be good, maybe my parents will love me more? Maybe if I give my kids what ever they want they will love me then? If I am prettier or skinner, maybe my husband will love me more? Maybe if I stop sinning, God will love me more? The reality is that all of these are lies from Satan. We should not have to do anything for love, nor do we have to. We have Christ who did it all, and the Holy Spirit who lives in us so that we be actively apart of that love. Actively receiving it and actively giving it to others. On the flip side, we have no right to with hold God's love from others. How often do you find yourself with holding attention from a child because they are annoying you when all they need is a response. A friend because they made you mad? Your spouse because you guys got into an argument or they were rude, or they were not very attractive that day? This is sin. We were given love freely so we must give it freely, with no stipulations.

What does this love look like? Well it looks like dying on a cross for your sins so that you can spend eternity in heaven with your Lord and Savior. :) Well since that was already done, what an we do now? My suggestion is pray. Pray for three specific things. First, that you will pay attention to the love the Lord is smothering you in. Stop and notice the little thing that He has placed in your life that, maybe not at that moment, but could bring great joy if we give God the glory for it. A sunset maybe, the fact that somehow all of your bills were payed for even though you have no money left. Secondly, we can pray that the Lord shows us what to love about others. So often we (I mean I) judge, or we are annoyed with someone who we barely know. The Lord loves them and, no matter how hard it is to love them, they are still lovable, even if all we can not see why. Third, act on the Lord's prompting. The more you pray that the Lord will show you how to love, you will know how he wants you to act on his love.

Pray Love Act

Stories

I was listening to the radio today and they were talking about God stories. I love God stories. This got me thinking about the creativity of God. I have come to the conclusion that God loves to tell stories. He uses our lives to manifest His creativity.

You can either think of it as a song or a book. I am going to think of it as a book because I love to read. My life has many chapters. He has written about how children can overcome hardships. He has written about adults overcoming hardships. And all the while His undertones, or the writing between the lines, has been that He is always there. Even if I chose to ignore that fact. Or even when I chose to let it be present in every sentence that we write. Many of you know my story up till now. A childhood with out a father, yet He put a grandpa in my life to show His love. A mother who was addicted to drugs and alcohol off and on, yet, He gave her the strength to overcome and He put a grandmother in my life to provide what we needed. A sister whom I have an amazing connection with. And a brother whom the Lord has shown a different type of love trough. All of these are things that he chose to write about in my child hood. My adulthood is full of trials and overcoming. And full of love. Love of a wife, husband, a son, and many friends would be the theme of the last few chapters. But, again, the overriding theme in it all is that He has been there, waiting for me, loving me and eventually becoming my everything.

I can not wait to get to heaven. I can not imagine how many different stories I will be able to read. Stories of His power, love, grace, justices. All fascinating me for the same reason: They will all bring the Lord glory. And I will be able to look at my Creator in awe of the wonderful plot-lines He has created.

So I will end it with what is your story? Is the Lord still only the undertones? Or have you let Him use your story to show His glory?

Purpose

I have been having a hard time the last couple of days. My whole world has been turned up side down and in side out. I am going trough some life changes and they are making me rethink everything I had thought about myself in previous times.

I used to think I was a good student. It turns out that I am not. I have "failed" ( I use that term loosely because failing a test in nursing is different than other departments in higher education) two tests. So no longer can I identify myself as a good student. I used to think I was a good wife. But I keep finding ways that I fail Kane each and every day that, I am having a hard time identifying myself as a good wife. I used to consider myself as a good mom, but again, everyday I see areas in which I fail Kole that I am reluctant to use "good" and "mom" in the same sentence.

I used to think I was a good Christian. But every day I see where I have let God down. Whether it be by my fear or my reluctance to share His work in my life. What always catches me off guard is my selfishness. I "serve", but am expecting something in return or have ulterior motives so its not really serving. I want what I want and I want it now. I expect everyone to want to listen to what I have to say and think that it is more important than the homeless guy sitting on the corner begging for food.

I have had this song stuck in my head. I don't even like it but for some reason it won't go away. The part that is stuck in my head is "This is your life, are you who you wanna be." So I hear that and I start thinking to myself, "yea this is my life and I am going to be the smartest woman here, or the best mother in the world. This is my life right?"

Well as much I want to control my life and be who I wanna be, I can not. I have failed miserably at being me and running my life. And the reason behind my failure is that my whole thought process is wrong.

This is not my life. When I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and chose to live for him, I lost my life and he took it. I am no longer going to be "who I wanna be" but who He has called me to be.

Who is that I ask? Is it a wife? Well yes, I am already one so I am called to die to myself so that Christ may love my husband. Is it to a a mom? Well yes, I already am one and who was defiantly on huge miracle from the Lord. So I know that He has called me to show Christ's love to this precious life that was created during a time of extreme distress for Kane and I. I also know that I am going to have another baby. NO I AM NOT PREGO. But the closer I get to Christ, the more I want another baby. I also know that I am supposed to be a student, because every time I asked him to show/tell me where he wanted me, it was in school.

So here I am. In my bedroom. A wife. A mother. A student. But, most importantly, a tool. A tool that the Lord has placed in this specific situation for a reason. I do not know what that reason will look at. But I do know that He has me primed and ready. No I just have to wait on him.

Look out world here I come. :D

2 Thessalonians 1:11
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.

Opportunities

I am in that point in life in which I have an amazing opportunity. This opportunity has nothing to do with money because, though God has blessed us and pulled us trough so many times using so many people, we still do not have a whole lot of money. This opportunity has nothing to do with a job because there is no way I could hold down a job right now. It has nothing to do with making new friends, though I am sure I will make quite a few of those in the coming years.

This opportunity has even greater meaning and reward. I have the opportunity to be weak. To lose myself. I do not have to be perfect. All I have to do is let Him shine trough me. All I have to do is let Him do the work for me. All I have to do is rest in Him.

I am going to nursing school. It is the third hardest thing I have done so far in my short lifetime. I have wanted to quit a few times. I have cried more times these last two weeks than I have in the last couple of months. But the beauty of it all, the thing that keeps me going, is the fact that I have this amazing opportunity! I can not do this. I know that I can't. I have tried on my own and almost quit. But I know that He can. I know that He is with me. Here are my God story to prove that I am where He wants me.

On Friday I had a quiz. I studied for this one at 4 in the morning. When I get there, I read the second question and I have no idea what it was asking! Needless to say, I started freaking out. I skipped it and came back and just started praying. Please help me remember this word. I have no idea what it is supposed to be used for. And in my mind He whispers "stretch" and of course it was the right answer. I know the Lord gave that to me. I know that He was there with me.

My second story is about today. We were at church and Kane was praying. He is being affected by this change as well. He has to put up with a mess more than he would like. He has to distract Kole more that he used to. As much as he is trying, we are still getting things worked out. But as he is praying, the Lord led him to tell me that the Lord knows that what I am doing is not easy, but I am doing a good job and He is proud of me.

My life goal is to put a smile on His face instead of a tear to His eyes. And I have that opportunity to do that. And for today, I am succeeding. What is your opportunity? Is it to serve someone? A friend, a spouse, a stranger, a child, a mother? Is it to lead a soul or many souls to Christ? Is it to finally come to Christ? Every day we each have the same opportunity. To bring glory to God which is what it is all about. Let His light shine!

Change is in the air :D

I am a little depressed. I am so tired of the way people treat each other. I am tired of the selfishness in people. I am so tired of everyone ignoring their sin. Pretending like it does not exist. Like we have done nothing wrong and it is all the other persons fault. I am so tired of expectations. I am so tired of trying to be perfect. I am so tired of fake people.

I hate pretending. I hate to have to pretend that everything is ok or risk being called a whiney baby or make someone mad at me. I am tired of being my own encourager. I am tired doing this all on my own. I am tired of thinking everything in life is horrible. I am tired of people being mad at me. I am tired of trying to not make them mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of not taking the encouragement I have been given. I am tired of making people mad at me. I am tired of sining. I am tired of watching those around me sin. I am tired of God's heart breaking by those he calls his own. Those he went after for his kingdom. And those he wants us to go after for his kingdom.

Who is the real you? Are you pretending? Are you faking? We heard a sermon at church yesterday about being authentic. If you have time read the sermon on the mount. Because you have probably committed adultery and murder. Your words and actions say one thing but your heart does not. Jesus loves when we do wonders and small things in his name, but if you are not doing them with the heart of Jesus, then they don't matter at all.

Sin is not just a one time deal. It is not, well I have overcome it so I do not need to worry about it. It is always there. Creeping up while you are unaware. And then it is there. And you are so far lost in it that you cant find your way out. It starts small. One thing here and one thing there. You don't notice or you justify and then all of the sudden we have major issues on our hands because of days, weeks or years of justifying and ignoring. We are supposed to be the body of Christ. We are supposed to work together. Instead, all I seem to see is sin and selfishness. And I am tired of it.

I am going to make a change. I am going to be who God created me to be. I am going to bring him glory by letting others know what He has done for me. I am going to bring him Glory because people are going to know that I am not perfect but He is. I am going to bring him glory because I am going to become a living breathing prayer. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to sin but am not going to be afraid to confess and ask for forgiveness from those that I have hurt. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to forgive those who have sinned, even when they do not ask. I am going to bring him Glory because I am going to love even when I am hurting. I am going to bring him Glory because of what He has done for us? Are you? Or are you going to forget what He has done for you?