Inspired

Kole and I went to watch Tomorrowland this afternoon.  Disney movies don't always seem to have any Biblical principle to them but they could have some good life applications if you are paying attention.  I am not good with movie quotes but there was this one scene where the gist of the idea was that humans, in general, are given imperative information and we hold onto it, we do nothing to with it.  We hold it in and either wallow in it or bask in it, but we rarely do anything outside of ourselves and/or beneficial with that information.  

They used the examples obesity or global warming.  I, for one, can identify with this statement.  I am a nurse and I still struggle with eating the right kinds and amounts of food or exercising regularly.  I have been warned and I have seen the effect of obesity first hand.  Many of my pts have their "Chronic Diseases" because of obesity. Yet, you can still find me sneaking that cheese burger swearing that my life change will start tomorrow, or eating those fries swearing this is the last time I get them for lunch.  I have a wealth of information and experience screaming at me about what these foods and these non-active lifestyles will do to my quality of life as I age, yet I do nothing with it.  So while I am thinking about all the things in my life that I complain about but nothing about, I started thinking about a few other ideas, concepts, truths that I have but I keep to myself.  

Ok, so now it is your turn.  Think of something that is inspiring to you.  Something that was once shared with you or you happened upon it and it touched you in some way.  Your initial reaction more than likely was to tell someone.  To tell about what it was that touched you and why it touched you.  But, as time goes on, the excitement dulls, the need to tell people lessens, and soon its a memory.  No longer is it what you live and breath, but an idea that every-now-and-then presents itself in how you live or who you are.  What once was awe inspiring has no become mundane.  What used to be the essence of who you are has become a small portion of everyday life.  

At this point, the line in a movie was no longer a good life lesson, but a convicting message from the Holy Spirit.  When was the last time I was excited about Who should be the very essence of who I am?  When was the last time that I was so excited about what He was doing in my life that I just had to go share it with someone? I always thought the one thing I never wanted to do was to feel sad.  I have experienced enough sadness to last a life time.  I have cried enough tears to make a river named after me.  But, after this movie and after church today, I realized that there are worse things than feeling broken and sad, and that is to feel nothing.  Which is where my heart is a good portion of the time.  I do not get angry, I do not get sad, I do not get excited, I do not get happy.  I feel nothing.  I have no desire to change anything because I have no hope that anything will change.  I do not want to tell anyone my story because it is not important.  I do not want to make new friends or date any more because my life is a huge platter or nothing.  The impact I have on those around me is nothing.  I have trained my mind and my heart to think that feeling, saying, doing, and meaning nothings is better than feeling, saying, doing, and meaning anything at the risk of those may lead to sadness or hurt.  There are probably only a handful of people who can evoke any emotions out of me and only a couple of those people are the ones that bring out positive aspects of who I am.  

But as I contemplate my current state of mind I can't help but be inspired by it.  Let me explain that a little more.  I am inspired because there is truth and is there is hope.  The truth and the hope I have is not found in me, what I do, what I say, what I feel.  The only truth I have is that Jesus Christ died for my sins and the only hope I have is that He making me new.  And there is a lot to make new in me.  I often wonder how to make the changes I need to so that I can be healthy.  I tend to identify all the problems in my life and think that there is no solution.  But I have the answer, the solution, the way.  These answers and fixes that I am constantly trying to figure out and find start at the Cross and continue through the Gospels and spread to my heart.  The answer has always been and will always be God the Father, Jesus my Savior, and the Holy Spirit. 

I was desperate and had nothing left to hold onto, and at my weakest moment I was given a gift.  It is a gift that is ok to regift.  Its not like at Christmas where we frown upon someone giving way the gift we gave them.  It was never ours to keep in the first place.  We were given this gift so that we can go and give it to others.  We are inspired by this gift.  What it does in us and for us and to us.  We start by wanting to go and share the good news with all who will listen.  But, it soon becomes an afterthought as our daily lives take over.  At least for me, I get tired so I chose to sleep rather than spend time in the Word.  My conversations with God soon become one word pleas in a rushed day.  No relationship can last when it gets put on the back burner, and no matter how much we know and can feel the Holy Spirit, this relationship is even harder to keep burning with a bright flame because of the intangible nature of it.   But, there is nothing more heart-filling and joy-giving than an nurtured and cultivated relationship with our Father and Savior.  There is nothing more inspiring than the stories and testimonies that come out of this dependancies.  And there is nothing more deserving of sharing than these Divinely Inspired testimonies.  So let's get inspired and go spread the flame :)

My Problem

I am not a fan of cleaning.  I usually do the mare minimum to make the house look presentable and then call it good.  Usually that entails me shoving what I can in whatever space is open and forget about it later.  Just recently I had to organize my house because I had a friend move in and so I went through all of my hiding places and I was extremely surprise how much junk I had and how messy my house actually was.  On the surface things looked great and spic and span, by on the inside my house was just a bunch of junk crammed into already filled spaces.

That is how we are in life sometimes too.  We have this image that we show everyone, this mirage of what we are supposed to look like and hardly every do people see the realy you.  The real struggles, the real reason behind what you are saying or doing.  Take me for example.  Most days, if I am walking in church or in work I do not make eye contact.  I do not usually start conversations.  And I come off as being a total "B". But, if I let you see what was really going on in my hear and my heart it would go a little more like this:  I walk by these people who I would really like to talk to or get to know but I know that I am good enough, funny enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough for whom ever it is that I may encounter that day.  Let me rephrase the beginning part of that... I think I am not good enough. 

I am pretty open about my insecurities but there are other aspects of my life that very few people know about.  Deeper struggles and desires that I can not get rid of even though I wish I could.  But on the outside no one would could know this.  I do such a good job at wearing a mask that sometimes even I start to believe the facade.  

I have a ton more examples I can think of.  That youth pastor on the outside who is a sex addict on the inside, that health nut on the outside but a food addict on the inside, the got it together stay at home mom on the outside, but the depressed alone and angry woman on the inside, the rich business man on the outside but the drowning in debt and addiction lost soul on the inside. Or even the strong independent single mom who does not need any help on the outside but the scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl on the inside.

What you get on the outside is hardly every what is going on inside of people.  We take all of our junk that we do not want people to see and hide it deep down in the closets of our heart that should already be filled by the Holy Spirit.  We tend to think that people would never love us or even like us if they really knew what was going on.  Or we are so wrapped up in our own sin and/or selfishness to know what our heart really wants.  I do not know how many times I have heard justification for a behavior and if you really look deep at what the real issue you, hardly ever do the coincide.  

We think that if we have this perfect little mask up for everyone to see then we will have an easier life or better standing with people around us or even Christ.  But that is so far from the truth.  From my own experience the more that I try to keep this mask up and the more that I pretend that I am ok, the lonelier and more secluded I become.  The more that I pretend everything is ok and that I have it all figured out the further away from my Savior I become because I stop relying on Him and continue to rely on this mask that all of you see.  

I often put up these premisses so that I will not look bad to those around me but really it does not matter what those people think.  Even those closest to me.  If I look amazing and sparkly on the outside but am a total disaster on the inside I am not making my Father happy.  There are numerous times in the Bible, the Word of God, that show me that.  I do not want to have it all figured out because then I will stop relying on the one that really matters!  I am still not sure how I should change this. But I guess the first step is always identifying the problem.  So my problem in once condensed statement:  Hi I am Kristy, I am a scared, lonely, helpless tired single mom who likes to pretend to be a strong independent woman so that people who not matter will think better of me and the God who loves me more than anything can't change the fact that I am a scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl.  

I Will Celebrate

Today is my day.  It is a day to celebrate motherhood and everything that goes along with it.  The drastic change of my body after carring an infant that was twice my weight when I was born, the sleepless nights that followed, the inevitable golden shower, the temper tantrums, the exhaustion.  But let's not forget the first smile, the first laugh, the first mamma, the first and countless I love you's, the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles, the conversations about Jesus.  This is prob the most challenging and most rewarding role I have ever had to play.

I knew when I found out I was pregnant that this was not going to be easy.  I knew that I would love this person with all my heart.  As soon as I found out we were going to be bringing a child into this broken world a fierce and overprotective demeanor took over.  I knew I would do anything to protect him.

What I didn't know was that my dream of a perfect, well adjusted family was only and illusion and my reality of motherhood would be one that I had vowed to prevent in any way I could.  I would get a glimpse of  this reality when I was 8 months pregnant. This is the time I fist contemplated having to do this partially on my own.  My illusion and reality started blending when Kole was a year old and I had asked his dad to move out.  I thought we had worked things out until Kole was two and my illusion can tumbling down.

I became a single mom. I really do not think that phrase fits me.  Our marriage may not have worked. I may complain about something's but I have never been totally on my own with Kole.  His dad still sees him three nights a week.  He will support me and stick up for me like the time that Kole told me he wished I would die (not that he knew what he was saying), but his dad had a very long and difficult conversation with him.  His dad is the one that prayed with him when he accepted Jesus.  So I am not a single mom in every since of the word.  But when I have Kole, I am on my own.  I love and dicipline.  I plan, pay for, and protect him as a single mom when he is at my house.

I often find fault in myself when it comes to parenting.  I get angry with him frequently.  I yell too often.  We do not eat organic, healthy, or homemade meals very often.  I like to sleep a little to much and leave him to his own devices more than not.  I do not play with Legos every time he asks.  He still does not know how to tie his shoes.  He can be rather pesky to other people and I often worry if he is annoying them.  I have brought men into his life who were not Godly examples of what a man should be.  I have failed him many many times.

BUT!  I apologize every time I am angry and short for no reason.  My son is not with out food, clothes, toys, food, shelter when he is with me.  I sleep to much because I work long crazy hours at work that drain me of what energy I do have.  It is not going to kill him to play by himself and could even help build his imagination.  He does annoy people, but he is 6 and I don't know any 6 year old that does not annoy someone.  When men do come into his life who are not good for us, they don't stay long.  I fail him every day.  But I also love him every day.  Show him grace every day.  Show him how to overcome mistakes.  I pray for him every day.  My failures pale in comparison to the small and meaningful times that we laugh, play, smile, hug, cuddle, talked about Jesus.

I am not a bad mom.  I am not a perfect mom.  But I am a mom who depends upon Jesus everyday she wakes up.  I am a mom that shows Kole the love of Jesus on a daily basis.  I am a mom who has refused to settle and let circumstances get her down.  My child is loved, loves Jesus, loves others, and is well cared for.  So I will celebrate this day as his mom.  Not just this day but every day, because no one else gets the privilege of being his mother.  I will celebrate that I get to show and teach Jesus's love to this child who is brimming with excitement to share it.  I will celebrate because even though I am a single mom, I am never alone.  I have a perfect Parent guiding and showing me how to be the mother that Kole needs.

Churchin' it up..

Acts

I love to read.  Usually I read books that have no value, just a good way to get my mind off of the mess of my life.  Sometimes I will read books that will teach me something.  Very rarely do I read the Bible.  I have vowed to change that.  In one of my counseling appointments a goal that I set for myself was to include more of the Written Word in my blog.  I have included a verse here and a verse there.  Part of the reason that this has never been a priority, is that I am no scholar.  I usually second guess everything I think I understand when I read the Bible.  So this blog is a huge step in faith for me.  Like massive.  Because I have been reading the book of Acts.  I started here because it is one that I have never read.  I usually skip over if for the "Go Eat Pop Corn"  books.  In my small mind those books have more life applications than a book about how the church started.  I have only read 7 books, and I have had my mind racing with all sorts of ideas that I did not get when I read my Pop Corn books (not that there is anything wrong with those)

So once again I am no scholar.  I am just a girl.  I am just a girl trying to find her place in this church.  And these thoughts I have about this book may seem trivial to those who have studied this book many times.  I am not a theologian.  I have no formal education on how to write about what I read.  I am probably the last person who should be writing this blog.  But I can not deny the excitement about what "trivial" things I have read.  And if you know me, you know when I get excited about something I like to write about it :)

So here you go! (in no specific order).

1)  Two times in the first 7 chapters it talks about the Holy Spirit coming onto a group of people.  In both of those instances, the earth shook.  Now I do not know about you, but I do not remember the ground shaking when I fully accepted Christ.  Sure, My ground was shaken, but not the actual earth.  Can you imagine the power behind that?  Maybe it was because it was the first few times that it happened, the earth was just not prepared for it, or maybe it was because the multitude of people that were receiving the Holy Spirit all at the same time.  I know there are times where we can say that we "feel" the Holy Spirit's presence.  But that is usually subjective: emotions, feelings, or reactions that we have.  Not a documented earthquake!  It also makes me wonder if where there are people who are being persecuted where there is a very tangible and noticeable move of the Holy Spirit.  We, in our very easy non-threatening existence here in the US, have not really been in a situation where as a community we had a major, multitude, life altering revival.  Yes we have revival but nothing like in those first years of our faith.

2)  The husband and wife who lied about their offering to the church.  This was not an easy part for me to read.  I did not like to read this and actually comprehend what was being said.  As someone once told me, just because I do not like the idea of what is being said in the Word, does not mean that it is still not truth.  So once I wrapped my head around the fact that I did not like what I was reading but it still had application, I was pretty amazed by this little idea.  So what happened was these two lied about what they were offering, they tried to hide some of their belongings from the church.
             A:  I loved the discernment shown here.  He knew they were lying, because the Holy Spirit was showing him that.  That tells me that if we are truly seeking to know Him and do His bidding, we can tell lies from truth (kinda goes back to all those times my ex's lied to me and I knew it.)  Or in an even bigger scheme of things false teachings.  If you are truly seeking to know Him and seek His word, you will know the truth!!
            B:  Even after Christ came and died and we changed from law to grace the wages of sin is still death.  That is the hard part.  These two both sinned.  Nat a major sin. Just a lie right?  It was not like they killed anyone, or committed adultery.  They did give MOST  of their belongings to their church.  So hiding this little bit was not going to harm anyone.  First of all, I do not think it was an requirement to give everything you have the church.  Maybe it was an expectation, but I did not see where it was required.  So even if the did not give anything and were still honest about it I do not think the outcome would have been the same.  BUT, they lied.  And they died.  Kinda crazy.  It is easy to speculate on this.  Maybe they both had some heart condition and when they realized their folly they were so torn with guilt their heart stopped, or maybe out of fear they both had massive heart attacks?  But that is not what was written.  What was written was that they lied and they died.  So, first of all I do not think you are going to die if you tell a lie.  I do not think that if you sin you will loose the Grace and Salvation of Jesus.  But, I do think the church needed to know that even after Christ rose again and "death was defeated" the "wages of sin is still death".  That did not change.  That will never change.  We are still separated by the our Heavenly Father because of our sin and that, in and of itself, is the worst death possible.  But what has changed with the resurrection of Christ is how we atone for that sin.  We do not nor can we do anything to take away our sin because He did it on the cross.

3) One of the first documented miracles after Christ's ascension into heave was on a man well known to those who frequented the temple.  This to me is a no brainer but also kinda awesome.  Everyone who was anyone went to the temple.  At some point they had to see this man.  And it states that he went every day.  Now, that is dedication!  But it is also setting up this miracle perfectly.  His deformity and disability was visible to all who saw him.  There was no denying he could not walk.  The "higher-ups" could not deny it.  Nor could they lie about it because everyone knew.  So when he walked because someone said "In the Name of Jesus" they could not deny that he did indeed walk when he once could not.  Now they did try to deny the power by which he did walk but anyone who saw and heard this man "leap and praise" would have a hard time denying where that power came from.  I believe that is why this man was chosen to be one of the first "after Jesus miracles" to be documented.  Because #1 the circumstances led to little doubt of the actual source of it and #2 because while Peter and John were proclaiming the name of Jesus in leu of this miracle it was the first time the apostles where actually arrested for their proclamations.

4) During of the meetings the apostles prayed for boldness to proclaim Jesus.  And it was granted.  Not only was it granted but once again the earth was shaken!  They did not pray for protection.  They did not pray for food because they have no income.  They did not pray for their families.  They did not pray for their kids.  They did not pray in any way for themselves or for their own comfort.  They prayed for boldness to proclaim The Good News.  How often do we find ourselves trapped in this winey "God please give me this or give me that."  I am constantly praying for something that I want. A husband, a job, financial security.  But what if I changed my prayer from furthering my own comfort to furthering His Kingdom?  I do not think I would get as many unanswered prayers as I do now!

Trivial I know.  But kinda awesome ;)

Pursued

I was having a conversation with this really good friend of mine about boys...  You see we are both kind of in the same boat.  She wants a family but she refuses to "make the first move".  Me, I want a family but I am a little gun shy and tend to either attract all wrong people or scare off all the right ones.  But the common theme in our conversation is that we both want to be pursued.  We want whom ever it is that we have a relationship with to "step up" and initiate the interactions.  And we are both stubborn enough to wait for that.  Her because that is how she was raised and what she saw, me because I have been in relationships where I was the only one changing and the only one making any effort and I won't do that again.

When I talk or think about what I wanted out of the relationships I had my ultimate desire was to be pursued and ultimately feel loved. I think that is an innate desire for most people, especially woman.   We have ended relationships because we did not feel pursued and we have entered into relationships that were totally wrong for us because the person was chasing us with fervor.  Let me give you two personal examples.  The last serious relationship I had lasted about two years.  It ended for a slew of reasons but the main was because he made no attempt to connect with Kole and I.  I just couldn't keep up the constant trying when I was not really getting any response.  OOORRR the last guy who actually pursued me (by pursue I mean more than just casual flirting, like hey I want to see you, I want to get to know you so I am going to annoy the death out of you to so I can get your attention) was married with three kids and was totally manipulating everyone around him. But, I responded because I noticed his intense desire to be around me.

So here I am.  Stubborn and single.  But I am not alone.  You see, just as I have these examples that did not turn out as I had hoped, I have an example that is beyond beautiful.  I have been pursued my entire life.  Every circumstance I have been in there has been the aching feeling that there is something beyond all these distractions Trying to get my attention.  There has been this presence standing at my door and knocking, you know that annoying I am going to bug you and harass you until  you respond to me.  That relationship that was imagined before creation, prepared on a cross, started when I was alone and afraid, and will be completed when I finally get to see His face.  I am the bride of Christ.  I have been His constant desire, His unending pursuit.  My only responsibility was to respond to His suit.

There is this saying out there that says to be with someone who sees all of your flaws and chooses to love you in-spite of them.  He is that someone.  He tells me I am ENOUGH just the way I am.  He also tells me that He loves me ENOUGH to not leave me the way I am.


So I will stay stubborn and single and satisfied.  I will stay this way because my deepest desire is already being fulfilled by Him who has pursued me and will continue to pursue.  One who meets my need for Love in a way that no one else could because He is the author of love, and quite frankly no man is ever going to be able to compare.  I have ENOUGH just the way He is.  

Holy Spirit

I am doing what I do best today.  I am listening to music!  I love my T.V. for this reason.  I can turn on Pandora from there and Kole and I can rock out, listen, sing dance, what have you.  Probably not the prettiest site or sound but it is still fun.

Well there is this song that I have heard many times and lately it has got me thinking.  The song is sung by Kari Job and its called Holy Spirit.  Here is a video of this song.

Holy Spirit

So the line that has me thinking is "Holy Spirit you are welcomed here."   Part of the reason I have been thinking about is because someone used the line at church once.  The other reason is because I like to sing along with this song.  And that line is basically inviting the Holy Spirit to come to where I am.  So I am welcoming Him in my car, my home, my work.  Where ever I am when I am singing it He is welcome.

One of the times I was singing it I actually payed attention to what I was singing.  I was actually praying what I was I singing, not just blindly repeating the words.  And a light bulb went off.

For so long I have placed God in this box.  When I read the Bible I ask for guidance.  At church I pray that He changes hearts, mostly my hardened and jaded and bitter heart. At work sometimes I will ask that he gives me the strength or energy to get through it.  But I am to unimportant for Him to be present in other times.  My concerns and my everyday life is to insignificant for Him to want to be present in moments that I see as little or no meaning.

But when I put God in a box, I am missing so much of who He is and so many opportunities to praise Him.  He is my Father, my Love, my best friend, my protector, my navigator.  My box has Him pictured as a figure sitting on a throne.  Which, he is.  But He sent the Holy Spirit to us for to have a personal relationship with so that He can be sitting on the throne and we can have that ever present, personal, passionate relationship with him in the big instances of life and the seemingly meaningless  moments.

Now, there is another part of this box that I need to put to rest.  It is the reason that I have developed these boxes.  Above I said that I am to unimportant for Him to be present.  That my everyday life is insignificant for Him to want to be present.  These thought processes are my self-protecting mechanisms.  Learned a long time ago as a child and reinforced as an adult.  If I know that I am insignificant, then it will not hurt as much when someone I care about feels that way too.  If people choose things or other people over me, it does not hurt because they should.  If people who used to like me no longer like me, that is how it should be because I am not enough of something (I have a list of "not enoughs") to have someone want to be around me or be my friend or a boyfriend.   If Kole would rather be at his Dad's I totally get that because I am boring and tired mom who makes him play by himself all the time.

BUT.  He chose me.  He adopted me.  He placed this desire on my heart to know Him, not because I am insignificant and meaningless.  But, because I am of great value to Him.  I am His beloved.  I was the lost sheep that He left the others to come and find.  I am the adulterous woman that He did not condemn.  I am the tax collector he chose to eat with.  I am the sinner that He chose to make clean.  I am the empty vessel He came and filled.    I am important enough for the little times and the big times.  I not obsolete and at least to One Person I matter.  At least to One Person, I am enough to be with.

Just Cut it Off

I have had this patient the last several days that I worked.  When I first had said patient it was quiet, shaky, would barely say one word to you.  (I hate the use of it on a human but to remain gender nuteral we will call the patient it).  It was in the hospital due to a horrible infection in one of its feet.  Most of the tissue on that foot was dead and needed to be cut off.  They had tried cleaning it out and giving antibiotics.  Nothing was allowing this foot to heal.  There are a few other medical reasons why this infection was so bad but the bottom line was: The foot needed to come off.  There was a horrible odor coming from this area each time you walked by.  The patient was clearly deteriorating.  The foot looked disgusting.  They tried everything they could think of to keep this necrotic foot attached.

On one of my evenings of work this pt returned back from surgery.  They had preformed an amputation to the affected leg.  And let me tell you the difference in this person was astounding.  The patient was awake, alert, carrying on whole conversations with you.  It was like night and day.  Just removing this necrotic tissue did wonders for this very sick patient.

This made me start thinking of the sin I have in my life.  This sin keeps me from being healthy and vital.  It starts in one area and it may start as a little compromise, but it can soon turn into a huge life altering illness.  The only difference between my sin and this necrotic foot is that my sin looks appealing.  It is clothed as everything I could ever want.  It starts as a tiny desire, a tiny want.  Then I start to dwell in that thought or desire.  I may initially pray about it but soon my prayers become less about what He wants from me and more about what I want from Him.

The first thing that comes to mind is food.  It is soooo easy to justify unhealthy behaviors when it comes to food.  For me it is often I will just have this one treat, and it soon turns into days of just this one multiple treat.  Or even better, I do not like to cook.  Actually, I love to cook, I just hate cooking for only 2 people and I hate cleaning up that mess even more.  So we just don't cook.  We eat out.  And I often let Kole pick because I have making decisions (probably another blog for another day :D)  So we just live in this unhealthy place of eating out and not eating the foods that are good for us.  So my little compromises that look appealing and do not seem too far off base turn into a struggle with weight and self-image that My Heavenly Father never wanted me to experience in the first place.

Or dating.  This is another big one for me.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to date again.  Believe me I have asked myself this question repeatedly.  Biblically would I be able to get remarried?  I know the most common answer is Yes.  But I didn't want common.  I wanted the answer that when I stood before the Lord I could say that I searched His word and His will and knew that this was what would bring Him the most glory, even if it was not the answer I had wanted.  Well after searching and praying about that answer my answer is yes, I will get remarried one day.  So this beautiful hope that I have for mine and Kole's future has somehow become this nagging expectation I have.  This expectation that I have for Him to provide this hope for us like yesterday.  So I stop focusing on my hope for who He plans on bringing for Kole and I and start dwelling on the letdown of who he has not provided for us as of yet.  And me being me I find myself very easily being sucked into this place where my faith starts to crumble a little bit.  I start questioning what I know to be the truth He has revealed to me.

That is what illness can and will do if you let it.  That is what sin can and will do if you let it.  Its a little tiny spark and can build into a uncontrolled flame that starts burning up your hope, your joy, your patience, your faith.  So just like the foot, I should just cut it off.  Right?!  Nip it at the bud, stop it at its source, amputate the sin.  If only it were that easy!

I can't just stop eating... That would be the easy thing to do.  I can't really just stop eating out.  That is not feasible for Kole and I.  I don't want to give up on the hope of remarriage.  I don't think I am supposed to.  So how do I get rid of this illness that has overtaken my joy in who my Father is and who my Father made me??

This is the part where I stumble and hesitate.  I am reminded of Romans 7:19  "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  This perfectly describes my heart right now.  I am not really sure how to get out of this little rut that I am in.  I am usually pretty good at problem solving.  I identify the problem and find ways to fix it.  I know my problem, but I can't see the solution.  Maybe thats because I am too tired, I do not want to see it, or maybe its not my problem to fix.  Maybe I just need to keep laying this at His feet because I am powerless to fix myself.  I need the Great Physician, the Almighty Healer.  My ailments can only be healed by His blood.  I just have to let go of them...