Everybody goes through seasons in their lives. Yours is different than mine, mine is different than theirs....
If you were to label mine right now, it would be discovery. Discovering the me I am supposed be, the me that I have always been, and the God that I love.
Up till now, and even now, I have always tried to be perfect. Fit the molds that I thought everyone wanted me to fit in. A different mold for a different group. Saying all the right things, doing all the right things... Trying to be the perfect person, woman, friend, mother, daughter of God.
But alas, I failed. Miserably. All I am left with is insecurities. The fear of never being enough. Scratch that, the actuality of never being enough. As a child, I had to struggle with this issue. I am going through a divorce because I was never enough. My anxiety is high because I freak out if I say or do something wrong in-front of different groups of people. My condemnation for myself on high because I was never quite able to be perfect. I lost who I was in the middle of it all.
I am now discovering that girl that I was created to be. Not the perfect, everybody loves Kristy girl. But the insecure, impatient, loving serving girl that I have always been. I tend to jump the gun when I shouldn't but take too long when I shouldn't . I let lies and self-condemnation affect my entire mood and deplete my joy. But I will tell you I can love the socks off of the stranger or friend or family member. I am, though I fail miserable more than I would like, an awesome mom by the grace of God. If you ever need anything I am your servant. I am sarcastic and witty. I can make you laugh. But I can also drive you crazy with my questions and insecurities and trying to hard.
Through the good and the bad of all of me, my God has never changed. He loves the me he created. The ugliness and the beautiful. I have always been enough for Him and always will be. I do not have to be enough for any one else. He should be their everything. You know that part of you that wants more? That part that never is filled by friends, family, boys/girls, hobbies. That part that only He can fill. I do not need to be that and I do not need anybody or anything to be that for me. He already is. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to miserable. I do not have to settle.
Neither do you. No matter where you run, who you run to, what you run to. Jesus Christ is the only thing that will fill the void, the insecurities, the never enoughs, the imperfections. We search when all we have to do is ask. We force when all we have to do is let. We run when all we have to do is be still.
Once you ask, let and be still, amazing things will happen. You will find that One that will love you no matter what. The hard times will come, but trust me when I say they are only blessings in disguise. You may not recognize it at the time, or even see the benefit of it, but what waits after is always worth the hard times. Its a journey. Its up and its down. Its happy and its sad. It is scary but it will lead you to a deeper love with the One Person that will never leave or forsake you, that will always love you, and will always be enough. You may fall, you may not thing that you are "good-enough" for this kind of love. It may terrify you because of what you may have to give up all that you know. But in the face of the One Perfect love and a promise of life more fulfilling and everlasting, who can pass that up when all we have to do is ask, let and be still?
