What is this thing we call worship?

Someone told me today that church was good today because they "really enjoyed worship."  That phrase got me thinking.  What is worship really about?

I love singing.  I love praise and worship music.  I love going to church to sing those songs and listen to the sermon. But I love it because it makes ME feel something.  Warm and fuzzy.  Full of peace and love.  It makes me feel good about what I am doing on that Sunday morning.  But I am not sure that worship is really about how I feel and more about how He feels when I am worshiping Him.

If worship is about giving Him glory, singing His praises, showing Him honor, then why is how good "worship" was gaged on how good I feel in the process? There is so much more to worship than what my mind has conjured.  If what I am doing right now can bring God praise, then that is worship.  If when I go to work and people can His love through me, that is worship.  When I tell my son everyone is bad with out Jesus and we get to talk about how much Jesus loves us, then we are worshiping.  I can go on a walk and marvel at His creation, I can choose to read His word when I have other things I would rather be doing.  I do not have to be in a church building to worship my Creator.  He is, after all, everywhere, so my worship is not confined to a single location.

But even after deciding that my worship can happen anywhere there is still an idea about it that I need to dispel.  If I am solely worshiping because of the way I feel when I am done, or if that is my driving force, then no matter where I am or what I am doing, it is not worship.   I can sing all the songs in the world, but if my heart is not focused on Him then it is all for naught.  If I go to work and take great care of my pts but my heart is not focused on showing His love to them, I have wasted my time.  Worship has never and will never be about me.  It is about Him and Him alone.

But the amazing thing about God is that He can take my feeble attempt at worship and make it great.  I can be at work and the last thought on my mind be Jesus and someone will ask me when I became a believer because of something I said and did not even notice.  I can be beyond frustrated with this child of mine but he does this little smile and in the blink of an eye my heart is filled with such joy that I forget why I was mad in the first place.  I feel like if you truly do love Christ, despite the distractions that come with this world, your heart will always find a way to worship Him.  And He does not leave you wanting.  When you meet Him in true worship all those feelings of love and joy and peace are so abounding that you do not want to do anything but.  He can take the littlest part of me that is worshipping and expound it so that He will be given glory.  My  worship may not be perfect, but His desire to have me close and to love me is.  Which is why, worship though not always done for the right reasons will always bring me closer to Him.  And, the closer I become to Him, the more I find worship to not just be in a single location on Sunday mornings.

Sorry Not Sorry

I went to get my tattoo today!!  Yay :)  I asked the artist to write I am in font close to what I already had.  She did exactly that.  The only thing I forgot to tell her is that I wanted the "am" capitalized.  When I asked her to change it I think I apologized to her about 5 times.  It is my tattoo, I have to wear it, it was not a big deal to rewrite it (which literally took 30 seconds), so my little request does not require that much remorse or 5 apologies.  Later, when she needed a copy of my drivers which is their policy for any tattoo, she apologized to me for that.

"I am sorry" is said so easily.  I say it to my son.  I say it to my family, friends, patients so often that I do not even realize that I am saying it.  But, when I say those words with out any thought, they mean nothing.  Most of the time, I am not really sorry.  I just say it to appease the other person.

No Kole I am not sorry you have to follow the rules.
No my narcotic seeking pt, I am not sorry you have to wait for the safe amount of time to pass before I give you some more paid meds.
No friend or family member, I am not sorry that I am too tired after a 13 hour shift to come over or hang out.

The word is so over used the true meaning and emotion behind those words that should be there are nonexistent.  When it should be an acknowledgment of remorse for some wrongdoing I have committed, it is just a phrase muttered out of habit.  When it should be my promise for a change of action, it is just a fleeting conversation that is soon forgotten.

But when it really matters, and when I really need to truly be sorry I fail to say or even acknowledge the need to say the words.  To truly be sorry, I need to truly be asking for forgiveness.  To truly be sorry, I need to be seeking a heart change.  To truly be sorry I should feel remorse.

Lately I have felt a wall between God and I.  I have had this wall for a couple years now.  And I think I finally found out where that wall stands.  It stands in-front of my empty sorry.  I used to think the wall stood because I was not perfect.  But if that was the case, then all of us would have this wall.  My wall is standing on and because of all of my "sorry"'s or "please forgive me"'s that I utter with not real meaning behind them.  My heart does not feel it.  I know that I am making no real effort to actually change.  I know that I am just going to justify my action.  I know that I am just going to make a deal with God so I can keep doing that same sin.

God does not want my words.  God does not want my empty promises or half hearted truths.  He already knows that I am not sorry even before I lie to myself and to Him.  He wants my heart so that He can make it new.  I may not be sorry at this moment, but I can pray that He starts to change my heart so that I will become moldable.  I do not want to continue with this wall.  It is driving me crazy.  And I am not sorry right now.  But I want to be sorry.  I am not remorseful at this present moment.  But I want to be.  And even though it is not where I am supposed to be for the most fulfilling relationship, it is a place to start so that I can once again break down this wall of emptiness.