Sunday, August 30, 2015

I Think I Can Live With That

Last night Courtney and I were watching The Patriot.  There was this one guy that was completly evil.  He murdered two kids and many innocent people.  But, no matter how hard people tried, they just could not stop him.  I have seen the movie so I knew how it ended, but I couldn't help but wish that it was him getting hurt or killed instead of all the other innocent people. 

To some people, that makes me seem heartless and not very loving at all, but I think most people would be lying to themsleves and others if they said their initial thought process was not along the same lines.  But that got me thinking, just as much that vial man deserved to die, so do I.  I may not be going around killing everyone in sight, or molesting children, stealing from the poor, what have you.  But, I do lie, worry, stray from what I know to be truth.  I often make decisions I will regret later and more times than not, I disregard this temple that He gave me for my short time here. 

Rabbit Trail Alert:  I understand that are views on either side of the argument, either all sin is the same and it doesnt matter what it was, or there are sins that are worse than others and will not be judged the same.  To be honest I do not know where I stand.  I think it hard to feel that all sin is equal in most everyone's thought process.  I mean, I can forgive my neighbor for lying to me a lot easier than iw ould be able to forgive them if they came over and held a gun to my sons head to steal all of our belongings (I do not have a neighbor who would do that!)  The point of this blog is not to debate which idea is correct.

My point is that all sin, no matter how small or how evil, will sepearte us from our Father.  He is perfect, and can not be in the presence of those who have sinned.  Which really sucks because I am going to fail, literally everyday. I am going to screw up, stumble, fall.  There is no way I can be perfect.  I have tried.  I find myself falling into this thought process that if only I could stop sinning then my life would fall into place. I would have enough money, find someone to marry, have another baby, all of my desires would come to pass because my behavior was perfect so it would make God grant all of my desires. 

But the Truth of the matter is, we deserve death, but we are granted life.  Life because Jesus, the pure and spotless lamb, died in our place.  We will all experience physical death, but some of us are living in a spirtual death while they are still alive.  The type of life where there is no hope for tomorrw, there is no peace, joy, love.  The type of life where  everything seems like its fine, but there is no real purpose. 

I deserved the death on the ccross, but Jesus took it for me.  I have done nothing that is really frowned upon, but I sitll sinned and still can not be in the presences of all that goodness and glory.  But, the second I chose to turn my life over to Christ, I was alive.  I have hope for the future, it may not be what I envisioned, it may never include a signifcant other and more children, but it will include an eternity with my Father and my Saviour.  I think I can live with that.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

In All Things

One thing that we learned in nursing school that has and should stick in every nurses  mind is prioritizing.  What is the most important thing to do first, then second, and so on?   Always planning ahead and always basing these priorities on who is the sickest.  Take for example a code blue, when a patients heart stops beating.  What do you do first? To be fair you are probably doing multiple things at once, calling for help, assessing for breathing, heart beat, responsiveness, what have you.  But, you are not always in a situation where  you can do more than one thing at a time, you can't go see two patients at one time, so you learn to figure out which ones you need to see first.  

It is a skill that I never knew I needed until I learned it.  I remember getting so stressed because I had so much to do and I didn't even know where to start.  Now, I find myself planning before I even realize I am doing it.  Or I start to categorize everyone's situations and deciding who needs more prayer, or whose situation is more important than mine so I do not go into this "poor poor pitiful me" stage, which is what my last blog kinda did.  I was hurting but I realized that "it could be worse".  

I do think this is an invaluable skill and is necessary for everyone.  It puts life into perceptive.  It is so easy for us to get sucked into ourselves, that we forget that there are others around us who is hurting and struggling as well.  It may not be as great of a struggle, or it may be one that you would not wish upon your worst enemy, but we all have them.  And if you say you don't, you are lying to yourself.  Please do not misunderstand me, there is always going to be those times where you can not look past your situation because it is just so extraordinarily heavy and consuming that you literally can not focus on anything but that.  Perfect example is Brillyn.  If anyone expects Ashley and Cody to be able to take their attention off their immediate family  and focus on your broken toe (just an example), they seriously need to do some soul searching.  

I was thinking about all of this today.  I have so many friends/family who are going through a lot that I find it hard for me to focus on my needs/desires/plans/what have you because I feel guilty when I think about how tired I am knowing that Ashley and Cody probably have not slept more than a couple hours at a time, or I picture Brillyn laying in the hospital bed fighting for his life.

But I think that is what makes my God so amazing.  He does not have to prioritize because He is able to take all of our concerns and address them with the same love and power.  He can handle them, and he can hear them, and though he may not answer the prayers we think he should he will answer them.  He can listen to my neighbors prayer about his broken toe (I do not have a neighbor with a broken toe) and give him peace, while he is listening and comforting the hundreds of people who are constantly praying for B at the same time.  He does not choose one situation, or one person over the other.  He loves us all the same and while we have to focus and prioritize our attention on situations for our own well being, He is everywhere and in all things.  It kinda blows my mind when I think about the fact that He loves me just as much he loved Mary, the mother of Jesus, or someone who prays all the time and has their life figured out.  Just chew on that for a bit :)

Friday, August 14, 2015

Jesus

On Tuesday, I planned my whole day around my son meeting his sister.  On Thursday, I watched my son hold his little sister with such awe and love that it was tangible.  The only thing is, I did not give him this little sister, his dad did.

Nothing solidifies my failure more than watching my son get everything I ever wanted to give him through someone else.  You know, a home with brother and sister and mom and dad all under the same roof.   My failure as woman, as a mom, as a human being, all because I do not have a family for my son.  A "family" at our home, you know a mother and a dad every time he is here, and a sister and a brother. No one wants a not so skinny, single mom with baggage.  I have no prospects, no ability to provide any of that "family" for my son.

But then, last night I watched my sister have dinner with all of her family.  The pretense was to celebrate her and Cody's birthday.  But the real reason that everyone was there to tell Brillyn "see you later".  Next week, Ashley and Cody will place the life of their son in the hands of some very capable hands.  But, as they fake a smile, force a laugh, put on a strong face for everyone else, I know the real struggle is something that most people will never imagine.  Anyone who is a
mother, father,  aunt/uncle, friend of kids, who has half a heart can feel their anxiety, but it isn't even half of what they are going through.

As I am driving home that night, I am listening to a song.  I am not paying attention but I hear one line.  I hear nothing before and I hear nothing after.  But that one line says it all.

It goes:  "There is power in the name of Jesus".

There you have it folks.  There is power in the name of Jesus.  We all have our own struggles, concerns, fears, failures, but there is an amazing power when we call on Jesus.  I could never imagine putting the life of my child into someone else hand and have no guarantee of the outcome.  She will watch those doctors take him back to the operating room, but they will have no guarantee of the end result.  But, there is one guarantee, no matter the outcome.  Jesus is real.  He can give us hope no matter the situation.  His Father watched Him leave His protection, come to earth, only to be crucified on a cross.  He knew the outcome.  He knows her struggle.  He put his life in their hands.  But that sacrifice was not in vein.  It is so that we can spend eternity with Him.  Brillyn, no matter the outcome will be with either loving parents and family, or with an even greater Heavenly Father when this is all said and done.  The only question is will you be there as well?  Have you called on the name of Jesus?

We can do it now.  I would ask for a family, a husband, a baby, and a happy and healthy Kole.  Or, even though I know that His will is perfect, I will beg that it is to leave Brillyn with us for as long as possible.  He gives everyone around him a light and an joy that you don't get to experience very often.  He is so strong and courageous.  And, he is sooooo stubborn that there is no way this child will not surprise everyone, including the doctors.  This boy has fought for something that we all take for granted every day.  He has fought for his life since day one.  He will continue to fight until we are all very old and decrepit.  But, he can only do that through the Power of Jesus.  So please Lord, give him your strength so he can show us your Hope.

You can do it now.  Just say JESUS, I want to know you.   There you have, it is that simple.