Today is the day. We have a meeting with the lawyer at 4:15 today. 12 hours away and I am sitting here sick to my stomach.
I do not want my marriage to end. For so many different reasons, and not all of the "holy" reasons. Some of them are pretty darn selfish.
I sense bitterness creeping in. A little bit at a time. Then I use it as an excuse to sin. Well who really cares anymore.... God does not care about me.... Would he really let my husband do this to me if he did?
Kane will tell you he does no love me. He never has and never will. We have never really been married....
Satan will tell you the same thing. He tries to tell me that. Pretty sure that is not the case. I was completely his wife for the past 4 years. Every part of me. I was not perfect, still am one of the biggest hypocrites ever. But that does not take away from the fact that I was always his wife, even when he was unfaithful.
But here we are. Some of my deepest desires are being ripped away from me by sin. And then I use that as an excuse to sin. My heart is as black as possible. Full of sin and bitterness and anger. I want to make the Lord happy, bring him glory, be his light, but I fail miserably. Obviously cause my marriage is failing and I look back and wonder what I could have done differently. What is wrong with me.... And then I look at the here and now and see that just as a child of God and not as a wife, I still chose myself over God every chance I can...
I pray for restoration, but I really doubt it is going to happen. I mean I doubt Kane and his willingness. Especially since he has a girl that he works with that he is talking to. Waiting in the background. Supposedly they are just friends, but from what I can tell they are not just friends. Ohh how i wish I could talk to her.... Ask her why?
I even doubt God's grace for me to give me the desires of my heart, and I just have an extreme lack of faith. I don't deserve to be given these desires when I fall so miserably.
And then there is poor Kole. If there is anything I want more in this world is that he will be protected from the sins of his mommy and daddy. He is such a precious little boy, he does not deserve this! To have a liar as a daddy or a hypocrite as a mother. Poor baby....My heart breaks for him...
I need God in a way that I have never needed him before but I can not seem to find him. Can't say that I blame him though. I do not really want to be around me in this condition either.
I have this blog as private. Please pray for me... I am hurting and feel like I am drowning... I do not know which way is up anymore.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Letter #2
Kristy,
Be still. Know me. Rely on me.
I know your pain. I know your thoughts. I know your struggles. I know how worried you are about Kole. I know that as much as you try to let go, there is still a piece of you that has not. I know that you are scared of what I have in store.
I have not left you alone. I have not forsaken you. I have always and will always remain faithful to you. I have never and will never lie to you. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. You may not understand why I do things. You may not understand how I am working in this situation. You may not be able to see it yet, but I have glorious things planned. I love you way to much to give you less than the best. It may not look like you think it does. It may not be when or how you planned, but I am still at work. Know that these people who hold your heart and your worries tonight are my children. I have every hair on their head counted. Praying is your job, taking care of them beyond that is mine. You are blessed with Kole and being his mother, show him me and my love, everyone else, lay at my cross. They are my workmanship.
Let go and run to me. Let me show you what its like to be loved. Let me use you to show my love to others. I see your desires. Those one's you do not even want to think about for fear of them not coming to pass or them not honoring Me. Know that I am shaping your, carving you, making you completely mine. Pray to me all the time. I will show you my heart.
Look at all of the people I am using in your life right now. They are my blessings to you. They are amazing people and love you. Show them my love in return. Be filled so that you may fill. Focus on these blessings rather than the lies and what ifs. Know that I am greater. I will be there and you will get through this.
Come to me, find rest. Be loved and show love.
Be still. Know me. Rely on me.
I know your pain. I know your thoughts. I know your struggles. I know how worried you are about Kole. I know that as much as you try to let go, there is still a piece of you that has not. I know that you are scared of what I have in store.
I have not left you alone. I have not forsaken you. I have always and will always remain faithful to you. I have never and will never lie to you. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. You may not understand why I do things. You may not understand how I am working in this situation. You may not be able to see it yet, but I have glorious things planned. I love you way to much to give you less than the best. It may not look like you think it does. It may not be when or how you planned, but I am still at work. Know that these people who hold your heart and your worries tonight are my children. I have every hair on their head counted. Praying is your job, taking care of them beyond that is mine. You are blessed with Kole and being his mother, show him me and my love, everyone else, lay at my cross. They are my workmanship.
Let go and run to me. Let me show you what its like to be loved. Let me use you to show my love to others. I see your desires. Those one's you do not even want to think about for fear of them not coming to pass or them not honoring Me. Know that I am shaping your, carving you, making you completely mine. Pray to me all the time. I will show you my heart.
Look at all of the people I am using in your life right now. They are my blessings to you. They are amazing people and love you. Show them my love in return. Be filled so that you may fill. Focus on these blessings rather than the lies and what ifs. Know that I am greater. I will be there and you will get through this.
Come to me, find rest. Be loved and show love.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Letter From God
Kristy,
Now that you are listening, I have somethings I want to say to you. I love you. I created you just the way you are. I love to hear your prayers. I love to hear you sing my praises. I know you do not like your voice, but I still love to hear it. Your body that you struggle to love, I created and love every aspect of it.
I see your heart. I see that you want to bring me glory. But I also see how you want to control. Who am I? The maker of everything. Awesome God. Heavenly Father. Blessed Redeemer. I created this earth, and I know the hairs on your head. I see you crying in your room at night. I am there for you. I see you laughing and I laugh with you.
I see that you love me. But I see how you try to hide from me. I know what you try to hide. The sin you want no one to see. The hurt you try to hide. The pain you want to go away. I have already forgiven you. I have already taken care of your pain. I am always there for you. I am just a heartfelt prayer away from you.
You are mad. Mad at them. You have been hurt. But I love them. They are still my daughters and sons. I know their hearts and you can change them. They are my children. They are my beloved. They are my beautiful creation, my masterpiece. As much as you love Kane, I love him more. Even though you are hurt by other involved, I still love them.
You have a long road ahead of you. You can rely on my when you have no one else. I will always love you. I will always be faithful. I will be your comforter. I will be your husband. I will be your father. I will be your friend. Keep seeking me. Keep praying. Keep loving. Ready my word, study it. Look for me let me love for you. Let me forgive for you. Let me take your pain. I will guide your steps, just follow my light and the path I have laid before you.
Now that you are listening, I have somethings I want to say to you. I love you. I created you just the way you are. I love to hear your prayers. I love to hear you sing my praises. I know you do not like your voice, but I still love to hear it. Your body that you struggle to love, I created and love every aspect of it.
I see your heart. I see that you want to bring me glory. But I also see how you want to control. Who am I? The maker of everything. Awesome God. Heavenly Father. Blessed Redeemer. I created this earth, and I know the hairs on your head. I see you crying in your room at night. I am there for you. I see you laughing and I laugh with you.
I see that you love me. But I see how you try to hide from me. I know what you try to hide. The sin you want no one to see. The hurt you try to hide. The pain you want to go away. I have already forgiven you. I have already taken care of your pain. I am always there for you. I am just a heartfelt prayer away from you.
You are mad. Mad at them. You have been hurt. But I love them. They are still my daughters and sons. I know their hearts and you can change them. They are my children. They are my beloved. They are my beautiful creation, my masterpiece. As much as you love Kane, I love him more. Even though you are hurt by other involved, I still love them.
You have a long road ahead of you. You can rely on my when you have no one else. I will always love you. I will always be faithful. I will be your comforter. I will be your husband. I will be your father. I will be your friend. Keep seeking me. Keep praying. Keep loving. Ready my word, study it. Look for me let me love for you. Let me forgive for you. Let me take your pain. I will guide your steps, just follow my light and the path I have laid before you.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Glory
It has been one of those nights. Always seems to be the night before a test. I can not concentrate. I am distracted, hurt, sick, scared, worried.
I need to write a blog tonight. This is my prayer for healing. This is my heart laid out in words that will not do it justice. This is all the pain, all the hurt, all the HOPE, and all the JOY I have and will have.
I do not like this person that I am. I do not like the person that some people get to see of me. I have hurt those around me. In my selfish-blindedness, I have said or acted in ways that have hurt people whom I love the most. I hurt. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can not even fathom that there will ever be any hope. Sometimes the pain is so deep that it creeps into all that I think, do or say. I have done and said some stupid things in this hurt. I have let it cover up God's love.
But through this pain, I know there are others hurting more than I am. I like to pretend I know people, I like to pretend that I understand. But I don't and I probably never will. There is pain worse than mine. There are people who have no where to turn. There are people who think that what they are turning to will help and it doesn't. There are people who have no hope. There are people who can not find joy.
I have a Hope and I have a Joy. This hope and joy comes in the form of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I have in me. I am in pain, but I have a Jesus that already took that pain. I have a Comforter who is always by my side.
I am listening to a bunch of music. There are specific songs that are completely speaking to my heart. I was listening to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise". I can say it is well because Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed, victory is won, He is risen from the dead and I will rise when he calls me my name, no more sorrow, no more pain.
My heart screams to bring God glory. It screams to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I have so much hope, so much joy, and everyone deserves to have it. I will sin, I will screw up, I will have many ugly times in my life. But my heart will be with God. My heart will be striving for the things above.
I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know what this will look like. But, I do know, as a wise woman told me, "God is bigger".
God is bigger and he is changing me. My God is greater, and I will seek only to bring him glory. What ever that may look like. As I wrote before, my hearts cry, my deepest desire is to bring the Lord glory. I will forgive, I will love, and I will glorify the Lord through it all.
I need to write a blog tonight. This is my prayer for healing. This is my heart laid out in words that will not do it justice. This is all the pain, all the hurt, all the HOPE, and all the JOY I have and will have.
I do not like this person that I am. I do not like the person that some people get to see of me. I have hurt those around me. In my selfish-blindedness, I have said or acted in ways that have hurt people whom I love the most. I hurt. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can not even fathom that there will ever be any hope. Sometimes the pain is so deep that it creeps into all that I think, do or say. I have done and said some stupid things in this hurt. I have let it cover up God's love.
But through this pain, I know there are others hurting more than I am. I like to pretend I know people, I like to pretend that I understand. But I don't and I probably never will. There is pain worse than mine. There are people who have no where to turn. There are people who think that what they are turning to will help and it doesn't. There are people who have no hope. There are people who can not find joy.
I have a Hope and I have a Joy. This hope and joy comes in the form of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I have in me. I am in pain, but I have a Jesus that already took that pain. I have a Comforter who is always by my side.
I am listening to a bunch of music. There are specific songs that are completely speaking to my heart. I was listening to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise". I can say it is well because Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed, victory is won, He is risen from the dead and I will rise when he calls me my name, no more sorrow, no more pain.
My heart screams to bring God glory. It screams to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I have so much hope, so much joy, and everyone deserves to have it. I will sin, I will screw up, I will have many ugly times in my life. But my heart will be with God. My heart will be striving for the things above.
I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know what this will look like. But, I do know, as a wise woman told me, "God is bigger".
God is bigger and he is changing me. My God is greater, and I will seek only to bring him glory. What ever that may look like. As I wrote before, my hearts cry, my deepest desire is to bring the Lord glory. I will forgive, I will love, and I will glorify the Lord through it all.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
"It is finished"
I am taking a summer class. We are studying a few books and a book titled "The meaning of Jesus: Two Visions" being one of them. I am actually enjoying it. Not just because it is keeping me distracted, but also because I am learning a lot and it is making me think.
Tonight I was reading about the Death of Christ. One of the guy's words hit me right where I needed it tonight.
I am not going to quote it but he basically reminded me of when Jesus spoke "It is finished" on the cross.
I wonder if rather than just referring to just the act on the cross, he was referring to the conquering of all sins. He only had to die once. For all sins. Ones already committed, and ones yet to be committed.
I can not remember his exact words but when Kane and I were separated last time, the pastor who was helping us brought up a good point. The sins that Kane had committed before were already forgiven. The sins he committed this time were already forgiven. The hard part was already done for me. I just had to grab onto what Jesus had to offer me.
I also wonder if it had something to do with the pain we go trough. It has already been taken care of. On the cross, Jesus took our pain for us. We will still go through hard times, and they will still hurt, but if we make a conscious effort to lay it at the cross and spend that time with our Jesus, then we will get through the pain. He already did the hard part.
So I end with this. What sin is still eating at you? What forgiveness can you not seem to find? What lies are you believing? What pain are you not letting go?
All the sin you are dealing with. The pain in your heart. The forgiveness you can not seem to find. It was already taken care of. Already conquered.
All we have to do, with every temptation, every uneasy feeling, every hurt feeling, is lay it at the cross and let Jesus say "It is finished".
Tonight I was reading about the Death of Christ. One of the guy's words hit me right where I needed it tonight.
I am not going to quote it but he basically reminded me of when Jesus spoke "It is finished" on the cross.
I wonder if rather than just referring to just the act on the cross, he was referring to the conquering of all sins. He only had to die once. For all sins. Ones already committed, and ones yet to be committed.
I can not remember his exact words but when Kane and I were separated last time, the pastor who was helping us brought up a good point. The sins that Kane had committed before were already forgiven. The sins he committed this time were already forgiven. The hard part was already done for me. I just had to grab onto what Jesus had to offer me.
I also wonder if it had something to do with the pain we go trough. It has already been taken care of. On the cross, Jesus took our pain for us. We will still go through hard times, and they will still hurt, but if we make a conscious effort to lay it at the cross and spend that time with our Jesus, then we will get through the pain. He already did the hard part.
So I end with this. What sin is still eating at you? What forgiveness can you not seem to find? What lies are you believing? What pain are you not letting go?
All the sin you are dealing with. The pain in your heart. The forgiveness you can not seem to find. It was already taken care of. Already conquered.
All we have to do, with every temptation, every uneasy feeling, every hurt feeling, is lay it at the cross and let Jesus say "It is finished".
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Please Pray
I try not to put to much personal issues in my blog. My blog is all about my journey with God and this morning it is going to be all about my journey with God to the very core of the issue....
Why??????????
Why make me stay with him if he was just going to do it again? Why am I not good enough of a person/women/wife that he "just doesn't love me"? Why does this keep having to happen?? Why does my heart keep getting broken like this? Why do YOU let it?????
I am through protecting him. I am through living my life to make sure that he is ok.
I am getting a divorce. Not by my choice you see. I spent sooo many hours in prayer over the situation and it all led me to the same answer. Stay, be his wife, obey ME.... So then he tell me he does not love me and wants a divorce... He says he is doing the right thing...
I am just soooo brokenhearted. Beyond words is how deep I hurt. Like a dull ache that wont go away and at times leads to a nauseous hopeless feeling.
I know that my Jesus will see me through this. I know that, because I will CHOOSE to obey HIM, I will be a stronger person because of it. I will place my hope in HIM and live for HIS glory.
But right now, at 5:00 in the morning, when the hurt is sooo fresh. When I can not figure out how to "let him go". When I have not idea how not to be a wife. When I have no idea how to rebuild from this... When the pain is so deep that I can not even begin to sift through for fear of not being able to pull myself together in time for Kole. I feel hopeless.
I am writing this blog because I need prayer. Only a very few people will read this but those of you who do, please pray for me. I need more of Jesus than ever before. I need HIS love, HIS comfort, HIS grace, HIS strength.... I know what I need to do, pray and read the word and surround myself with with people full of HIS love but right now just getting out of bed in an hour for Kole seems almost impossible.
Please Pray
Why??????????
Why make me stay with him if he was just going to do it again? Why am I not good enough of a person/women/wife that he "just doesn't love me"? Why does this keep having to happen?? Why does my heart keep getting broken like this? Why do YOU let it?????
I am through protecting him. I am through living my life to make sure that he is ok.
I am getting a divorce. Not by my choice you see. I spent sooo many hours in prayer over the situation and it all led me to the same answer. Stay, be his wife, obey ME.... So then he tell me he does not love me and wants a divorce... He says he is doing the right thing...
I am just soooo brokenhearted. Beyond words is how deep I hurt. Like a dull ache that wont go away and at times leads to a nauseous hopeless feeling.
I know that my Jesus will see me through this. I know that, because I will CHOOSE to obey HIM, I will be a stronger person because of it. I will place my hope in HIM and live for HIS glory.
But right now, at 5:00 in the morning, when the hurt is sooo fresh. When I can not figure out how to "let him go". When I have not idea how not to be a wife. When I have no idea how to rebuild from this... When the pain is so deep that I can not even begin to sift through for fear of not being able to pull myself together in time for Kole. I feel hopeless.
I am writing this blog because I need prayer. Only a very few people will read this but those of you who do, please pray for me. I need more of Jesus than ever before. I need HIS love, HIS comfort, HIS grace, HIS strength.... I know what I need to do, pray and read the word and surround myself with with people full of HIS love but right now just getting out of bed in an hour for Kole seems almost impossible.
Please Pray
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