Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Cycle Is Broken

If you saw me on Sunday you might have noticed a tear stained face and blood shot eyes.  You see, it was father's day.  I am not a huge fan of father's day and/or mother's day.  My family never made a big deal about either "holiday".  We would do dinner for the woman and for grandpa but it was never a huge sappy day that we would go out of our way to celebrate.   When I became a mom, I got so excited because I was finally a mom and could celebrate it for real.  But my newborn son did not realize that you were supposed to let mom sleep in.  And, well, father's day was never a priority.  And this year I did not think it would affect me at all.  Just another day.  But I guess that is why I cried.  I had prepared myself for just another day and sermon that would be encouraging and not so close to home.  

The cliff-notes of the sermon was  this:  A father's actions affect his kids, wether we believe it or not, statistics show it.  Children of single parent homes are more likely to do drugs, commit suicide, be in unhealthy relationships, have depression, so on and so forth.  Ok, well not the best cliff-note version, I do not think you would pass a test with that, but that is all I needed to hear.  I had no control of my dad walking out on us for as long as he did, or the man that was my step-dad for as long as he was.  I had many father figures in my life and I still do and today I am blessed with some very caring men in my life who do not have to try to protect me but the still do.  But I was one of those statistics of a single parent home or step-family homes.  Mine was a little more complicated than that but its not relevant any more.  Because I am an adult and I thought I could chose what path I chose for myself and my son who does not like to sleep.

Ha!  I hope you all laughed at that sentence because it is very humorous.  The fact of the matter is no matter how much I tried to prevent it and tired to be perfect, my son is now one of those statistics.  He is now living 3/4's of his time in a single parent home. I thought that I could control that and never let him be one of those and now he is.  That is heartbreaking.  He is now more likely to be depressed, turn to drugs and ETOH.    All because I could not control the choices his dad made.  And, at my house, on a regular basis there is not a God-fearing, caring man around.  Please do not misread that.... By "on a regular basis" I mean consistently every night a man at my house showing him how to be a man.  How to love, how to treat people, how to be responsible.  We have a lot of men in our lives that love us and do whatever they can for us but its not an everyday occurance.  I can not change that.  I refuse to just allow whom ever into our lives and show my son what not to do.  And it seems all the good ones are taken or are not interested in us....

So here I am.  Crying on a Sunday because I have failed my son.  I have made him a statistic.

But then he said it.  "You can break the cycle."  At first I was thinking to myself that I can not break the cycle.  I am the reason I am a single mom.  I am the reason he does not have a God-fearing father figure at my house.  I have no control over the fact that I am still single.  There is no way I can fix this because I am alone and will be alone for the foreseeable future.

And then I hear it.  A gentle rebuke.  A subtle yet powerful reminder.

"You do no have to break the cycle because I already broke it for you"

I have to think about it for a second.   How did you already break it when it is still a very real truth in our lives.  So I started looking from the outside in.

First of all, I like to believe that his father, no matter how much we do not get along or how much he annoys me ;), really has changed.  But even if he has not, and will always repeat the same cycles, my child knows Jesus.  He has accepted him and knows Him personally.  He will stumble and he will fall, an he may make some very stupid and horrible decisions, but there is no doubt that my child knows and loves Jesus personally.

Second of all, my son may not have a father figure at my house.  But that is because when my son's mother felt the nudging of the Lord that what ever relationship was not right for us, that relationship was ended soon after.  I may have used other reasons but, I can honestly say every time I ended a relationship started with a very quiet thought that it was not God honoring.  Most people will look at that statement and think that I am just blowing smoke.  But that still small voice was always in the back of my mind and things just started going down hill after that once I finally listened.  So, Kole does not have a Godly role model every night he is at my house.  BUT there is not a man living with us that does not know Jesus either.

I was crying because I can not protect my son.  Then, I was crying because I can not protect my son, but He already has.  There is a verse about how perfect love casts out fear.  My fear is based on my love for my son.  But there is a love that is greater than the one I have for him and it is perfect and protective.  If I can have faith in the perfect love and let it continue to protect Kole, then I know the cycle is broken.  I know that my son is not a statistic any more but rather the exception.  That perfect love that was given to me and shown to me through His word and His works has now been given to my son and that is the only thing that could have and will every break the cycle for my son.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Inspired

Kole and I went to watch Tomorrowland this afternoon.  Disney movies don't always seem to have any Biblical principle to them but they could have some good life applications if you are paying attention.  I am not good with movie quotes but there was this one scene where the gist of the idea was that humans, in general, are given imperative information and we hold onto it, we do nothing to with it.  We hold it in and either wallow in it or bask in it, but we rarely do anything outside of ourselves and/or beneficial with that information.  

They used the examples obesity or global warming.  I, for one, can identify with this statement.  I am a nurse and I still struggle with eating the right kinds and amounts of food or exercising regularly.  I have been warned and I have seen the effect of obesity first hand.  Many of my pts have their "Chronic Diseases" because of obesity. Yet, you can still find me sneaking that cheese burger swearing that my life change will start tomorrow, or eating those fries swearing this is the last time I get them for lunch.  I have a wealth of information and experience screaming at me about what these foods and these non-active lifestyles will do to my quality of life as I age, yet I do nothing with it.  So while I am thinking about all the things in my life that I complain about but nothing about, I started thinking about a few other ideas, concepts, truths that I have but I keep to myself.  

Ok, so now it is your turn.  Think of something that is inspiring to you.  Something that was once shared with you or you happened upon it and it touched you in some way.  Your initial reaction more than likely was to tell someone.  To tell about what it was that touched you and why it touched you.  But, as time goes on, the excitement dulls, the need to tell people lessens, and soon its a memory.  No longer is it what you live and breath, but an idea that every-now-and-then presents itself in how you live or who you are.  What once was awe inspiring has no become mundane.  What used to be the essence of who you are has become a small portion of everyday life.  

At this point, the line in a movie was no longer a good life lesson, but a convicting message from the Holy Spirit.  When was the last time I was excited about Who should be the very essence of who I am?  When was the last time that I was so excited about what He was doing in my life that I just had to go share it with someone? I always thought the one thing I never wanted to do was to feel sad.  I have experienced enough sadness to last a life time.  I have cried enough tears to make a river named after me.  But, after this movie and after church today, I realized that there are worse things than feeling broken and sad, and that is to feel nothing.  Which is where my heart is a good portion of the time.  I do not get angry, I do not get sad, I do not get excited, I do not get happy.  I feel nothing.  I have no desire to change anything because I have no hope that anything will change.  I do not want to tell anyone my story because it is not important.  I do not want to make new friends or date any more because my life is a huge platter or nothing.  The impact I have on those around me is nothing.  I have trained my mind and my heart to think that feeling, saying, doing, and meaning nothings is better than feeling, saying, doing, and meaning anything at the risk of those may lead to sadness or hurt.  There are probably only a handful of people who can evoke any emotions out of me and only a couple of those people are the ones that bring out positive aspects of who I am.  

But as I contemplate my current state of mind I can't help but be inspired by it.  Let me explain that a little more.  I am inspired because there is truth and is there is hope.  The truth and the hope I have is not found in me, what I do, what I say, what I feel.  The only truth I have is that Jesus Christ died for my sins and the only hope I have is that He making me new.  And there is a lot to make new in me.  I often wonder how to make the changes I need to so that I can be healthy.  I tend to identify all the problems in my life and think that there is no solution.  But I have the answer, the solution, the way.  These answers and fixes that I am constantly trying to figure out and find start at the Cross and continue through the Gospels and spread to my heart.  The answer has always been and will always be God the Father, Jesus my Savior, and the Holy Spirit. 

I was desperate and had nothing left to hold onto, and at my weakest moment I was given a gift.  It is a gift that is ok to regift.  Its not like at Christmas where we frown upon someone giving way the gift we gave them.  It was never ours to keep in the first place.  We were given this gift so that we can go and give it to others.  We are inspired by this gift.  What it does in us and for us and to us.  We start by wanting to go and share the good news with all who will listen.  But, it soon becomes an afterthought as our daily lives take over.  At least for me, I get tired so I chose to sleep rather than spend time in the Word.  My conversations with God soon become one word pleas in a rushed day.  No relationship can last when it gets put on the back burner, and no matter how much we know and can feel the Holy Spirit, this relationship is even harder to keep burning with a bright flame because of the intangible nature of it.   But, there is nothing more heart-filling and joy-giving than an nurtured and cultivated relationship with our Father and Savior.  There is nothing more inspiring than the stories and testimonies that come out of this dependancies.  And there is nothing more deserving of sharing than these Divinely Inspired testimonies.  So let's get inspired and go spread the flame :)


Sunday, June 7, 2015

My Problem

I am not a fan of cleaning.  I usually do the mare minimum to make the house look presentable and then call it good.  Usually that entails me shoving what I can in whatever space is open and forget about it later.  Just recently I had to organize my house because I had a friend move in and so I went through all of my hiding places and I was extremely surprise how much junk I had and how messy my house actually was.  On the surface things looked great and spic and span, by on the inside my house was just a bunch of junk crammed into already filled spaces.

That is how we are in life sometimes too.  We have this image that we show everyone, this mirage of what we are supposed to look like and hardly every do people see the realy you.  The real struggles, the real reason behind what you are saying or doing.  Take me for example.  Most days, if I am walking in church or in work I do not make eye contact.  I do not usually start conversations.  And I come off as being a total "B". But, if I let you see what was really going on in my hear and my heart it would go a little more like this:  I walk by these people who I would really like to talk to or get to know but I know that I am good enough, funny enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough for whom ever it is that I may encounter that day.  Let me rephrase the beginning part of that... I think I am not good enough. 

I am pretty open about my insecurities but there are other aspects of my life that very few people know about.  Deeper struggles and desires that I can not get rid of even though I wish I could.  But on the outside no one would could know this.  I do such a good job at wearing a mask that sometimes even I start to believe the facade.  

I have a ton more examples I can think of.  That youth pastor on the outside who is a sex addict on the inside, that health nut on the outside but a food addict on the inside, the got it together stay at home mom on the outside, but the depressed alone and angry woman on the inside, the rich business man on the outside but the drowning in debt and addiction lost soul on the inside. Or even the strong independent single mom who does not need any help on the outside but the scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl on the inside.

What you get on the outside is hardly every what is going on inside of people.  We take all of our junk that we do not want people to see and hide it deep down in the closets of our heart that should already be filled by the Holy Spirit.  We tend to think that people would never love us or even like us if they really knew what was going on.  Or we are so wrapped up in our own sin and/or selfishness to know what our heart really wants.  I do not know how many times I have heard justification for a behavior and if you really look deep at what the real issue you, hardly ever do the coincide.  

We think that if we have this perfect little mask up for everyone to see then we will have an easier life or better standing with people around us or even Christ.  But that is so far from the truth.  From my own experience the more that I try to keep this mask up and the more that I pretend that I am ok, the lonelier and more secluded I become.  The more that I pretend everything is ok and that I have it all figured out the further away from my Savior I become because I stop relying on Him and continue to rely on this mask that all of you see.  

I often put up these premisses so that I will not look bad to those around me but really it does not matter what those people think.  Even those closest to me.  If I look amazing and sparkly on the outside but am a total disaster on the inside I am not making my Father happy.  There are numerous times in the Bible, the Word of God, that show me that.  I do not want to have it all figured out because then I will stop relying on the one that really matters!  I am still not sure how I should change this. But I guess the first step is always identifying the problem.  So my problem in once condensed statement:  Hi I am Kristy, I am a scared, lonely, helpless tired single mom who likes to pretend to be a strong independent woman so that people who not matter will think better of me and the God who loves me more than anything can't change the fact that I am a scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl.