I listened to a song tonight that fits me perfectly right now. Its by Unspoken. The part that really spoke to my broken heart was:
"you refuse forgiveness like its something to be earned
But sometimes pain is the only way we can learn.
You can never fall too far so fast so far
that you can't get back when you are lost where you are
It's never too late so fast so much that you can't change who you are
you can change who you are."
I am ashamed of who I am right now. Not cause I'm a horrible person because I'm not. But I am so lost and so confused and so fearful that I let those emotions take over me and make my decisions for me. I am ashamed of how I treated someone I love. I am ashamed of how I let my past hurt affect my present self and most recent relationships.
But most importantly I am ashamed of how I let humans that I love replace the God who died for me. I stopped searching for His love and chased his honesty, love, acceptance. I tried to find the love of a sinful person to be my "true love". I put way to much pressure on him and was bound to fail the second I relied on that and not the love of my Heavenly Father.
That song mentioned something about you can change who you are and that is the only line I would change. The only way I M going to make the changes that need to take place for me to be the woman I'm supposed to be is if I let Him make those changes for me. Many of you reading this do not and will not understand where I am coming from. I have not given very many people the power to hurt me or make me feel betrayed but for those of you who have seen it know how over the top I sometimes get in certian situatuoin.
This blog is not so that everyone can tell me what a good person I already am (even though that is nice). It's not about telling me how horrible my past was cause it wasn't. It's about me recognizing my flaws ans striving to become a better person in the arms of the One love that will actually satisfy. A love that I have experienced before that is waiting for me to reclaim it. A love that will will mold me into a the woman I know I can be and will guide me to the man that can best display that love to me. Not because they love me that much (even though he will). But because he loves Him that much. It may be someone from my past and it may be someone I could never dream of. But I do know that I will wait for that love because I deserve that much.
