Can I have you?

I am frustrated. I am frustrated at myself. I am frustrated at superficial faith that seems to be prominent in my life. Oh sure, I love God, but I like to doubt. Oh sure I love God, but I love myself more. More than the person sitting in the room with me. More than the baby sleeping in the room next to us. More than the homeless man sitting on the corner. More than that teenager who has no idea who God are and His love for her because of the abuse she has suffered at the hands of her father her whole life. Oh sure, I love God, but let me keep this thing that I can live with out. Oh sure, I want God to take my sin, but let me just keep this one little sin. It is not hurting any one. My greed, lust, anger, laziness, worry, it hurts no one so I will just hold on to it.

I need to give myself a wake up call. My greed keeps others from the blessings that the Lord has for them. My lust for things I dont have just throws what I have been given back in the face of those who gave/provided a way to make it possible. My anger is lashed out on two of the most amazing man/boy that I know. My laziness just adds stress to my life and those in it. My worry is basically killing me and I know that would not be easy for a lot of people.

Most importantly it hurts my savior. Yea, that man who died. That perfect man. He never sinned. Ohhhhh he was tempted let me tell you, well the Bible can tell you, but He chose not to sin. That man who took all of the sin in the world. That man who was sweating blood because he knew what was going to happen. But what where some of his last words?

Let me tell you. He prayed that what ever it was that he had to do that the Lord take it away, but if it is his will then he will do it. He was not just talking about a physical death. He could have handled that. He was sweating blood over the fact that for a brief period of time, he was COMPLETELY separated from the Father and the Holy spirit. Why you ask? Well because of my sin. Because of your sin. Yea that sin you refuse to let go of. Yea that one.. That one you try to hide from him. Yea that one... That one that is pulling you further and further away from the relationship he has in store with him for you. Yea that one...

Why do we like to hurt him? Why does it bring us so much pleasure to us that we chose to break his heart all over again. You know the reason why he died? So he could be close to us forever. The reason why he died is so that we would never have to feel that complete separation for eternity. That separation that made him so scared and stressed that he sweated blood. Are you going to chose to let your sin separate you from the ONE perfect man? Or are you going to lay it at the cross where it belongs.

Let it go. All the pain and suffering you think you need to keep. All the greed and lust that you think you can't stop. All the hurt caused by your "fathers" hands. All the hurt caused by those who "love you". All the control we think we need to have. Lay it there. Let yourself be free from it and live in Him. He gives you his spirit. The love, hope, power, grace, forgiveness. All you have to do is ask and receive and use... He is at your door and knocking. Asking you "Can I have you? All of you? Even the ugly? Especially the awesome. Can I have you?"

Hmmm

Why is it that I am struggling with this blog? I have actually wrote it and rewrote it a total of 3 times. I usually wait to be inspired. And I have been...boy have I been inspired these last few days. I wanted to write on Love so I started then I did not like it. I wanted to write on power so I started it and did not like. I started to write about power again and I still did not like so I deleted it al...

So here I am. Knowing that I have had enough inspiration to last me a while and to make up several blogs but I just can not decide what to write about. So I decided to write about the one thing that this all encompasses: God.

For so long I have had God in this box. This box is what I like to call a comfort zone. I was to afraid to move past my salvation. I was to afraid to go deeper. Probably because I was scared of being inadequate. I am actually still scared of not being enough or good enough to do the work that the Lord has laid out for me. I mean my whole life I have not been enough for some people to stay around for (a lot of friends and some of my family). What made me think that I was good enough for some awesome God to work trough me for some awesome cause?

The truth is I am not good enough or enough for the Lord's work. If you want to get down to it, the less of me there is in any of the work the Lord has for me, the more the Lord can actually work. I have recently been talking to some people whom the Lord had been working through in amazing ways. And I look at them and think to myself how awesome it would be to be used like that. And then I start trying to be perfect. To think of the words to say or the actions I need for that particular time. But that is just it... I try. Instead of me losing myself in the Lord and in power of the Lord, I try with my own power. And that is not going to get any one any where except for heart ache and disappointment.

What are you trying to do with your own power? Are you trying to change someone? Trying to bring someone to salvation? Trying to pay all of your bills? Trying to raise your children? Trying to do your job?

I want to encourage who ever is reading this to stop trying. Lay it all at the Lord's feet. Pray, pray and pray some more. When the opportunity arises for any of these aspects of life, you will be prepared. He will give you the words, he will work in that person for you, he will make himself known trough what ever means necessary for your children. He will not forget his children. The more time you spend seeking what the Lord wants from you, the more successful you will be at whatever you are doing. Maybe not in earthly means but defiantly in heavenly riches, which is all that really matters anyways. And please, please, please do not forget, that person whom is in your life that you are trying to reach, the Lord loves them and wants them even more than you do. He knows their hearts and knows what needs to be said or done and in the end, its not up to you. It is up to the Lord and that person. So, be bold when you need to be and shut up when he tells you to!

This is me

I know I just posted one and I know that I said that I was going to post 3 about the temple tour, but I have had something on my heart all night tonight so I am going to lay it out there!

I am tired of pretending. I am a fake and a hypocrite. Like Paul said, I do not do what I want to do and do what I do not want to do. I lie, mainly to myself. I try to pretend that I am some smart person who knows everything, but when it comes down to it I know next to nothing about just about everything. I am so prideful. I take pride in the fact that I have a brilliant advanced handsome son who warms everybody's hearts. I lust. I want what is not mine. I see what you have or they have or he has and I want it. I am sooo rude. I get snotty with those that I love. I think thoughts about people that I do not know and probably never will based upon the way they look or what they do. I am extremely selfish. Everything is about me. How will that affect my life today? I do not want to help Kole because I am just to tired. I just want a few minuets to myself so I lose my temper with anyone who tires to talk to me. Conversations I have are about what is going on in my life. What is the matter with me. How God is blessing Me. Me Me Me Me Me. Oh yea and by the way ME!!

I am drowning in my sin. I try to run from it but it is always there. I try to hide it, but it always finds me. I try to ignore it but it pokes me just enough. I try to cover it, but it rears its ugly head. I try to camouflage it but it is so distinct that it is unmistakable.

So since I can not do any of the above, I will just give it away. Give it to the one whose life was sacrificed for it. He was pierced 7 times. Each drop of blood that rolled down his body what payment for my sin that I continually chose to do. Every time I sin, I push those thorns a little deeper, the nails a little further, the spear a little harder. I am breaking his heart, everyday. I am sick. Sick of throwing the sacrifice in his face like it meant nothing.

I am done. I am done pretending like I have it all together. I am done pretending that the Lord's work is complete in me. I am done pretending that I understand his ways. I am a sinner. I am a wretch. But I am loved. I am forgiven. I am forever changed. I am perfect in His image. This is me.

Temple Tour 2

So I have started this blog about 3 different times. This topic is one that I have learned about the most in the last few months. I have actually posted a blog about it before. But at the tour the guide put a whole new spin on prayer.

I knew that I was supposed to pray because the Bible commanded it. Everything I read tells me that I am supposed to pray all the time. Ask for the things that I want. So on and so forth.

But I never really knew or understood how much He enjoys communication with us. There are so many verses on prayer, not because he needs our prayers. Lets face it, He is God and he needs nothing from us. He spoke so many times on prayer because he wants it! He wants to hear our prayers. He wants us to take time to talk to Him. If someone walked up to you and told you that they love the sound of your voice, what would you do? Would you stop talking? Or would you talk all the more. I would imagine that you would start talking about anything and everything.

You would probably ramble on about stupid stuff, the joke you heard today, the toe that you hurt while you were vacuuming, the headache that has been bothering you all day. Or stuff that is causing major concerns in your life. Money, illness, relationships.

Yea... Pretty much anything...So why not talk to God the same way. He loves your voice. He loves your mind. He loves when your thoughts are centered on Him. He is waiting to talk to you...He is waiting for you to listen to what He has to say. He is waiting for you to respond to Him. So go on, don't stop talking, you will make his day!

Temple Tour 1

So we went on a tour of an old testament temple tonight. We really enjoyed it and Kole did amazingly well. Trough it all, I learned 3 very important lessons. I am going to write 3 different blogs to cover it all...

The first one being about service.

Kane called me weird last night because I offered to wake up with Kole if he decided to stay up to play PS3 (even though he had already told me that he would). Am I weird because I serve Kane? Yes and no. Tonight the girl said that our bodies are not ours, they are to be used for the Glory of God. I get this. I completely do. I spend so much time trying to serve those around me. Kane, Kole, other family, other friends. But, in the process I lose sight of the main goal. TO BRING GLORY TO GOD. I can serve everyone all I want, but if I do this with out keeping the Lord as my focus, it means nothing. I am learning this the hard way. I started out by serving because I wanted to be used by the Lord, and now I am wanting to gain because of what I am doing, not who He is. When I have this attitude, I feel myself growing bitter and away from the Lord. Heaven help me I do not want to become that woman again.

My encouragement for those reading this is 2 fold. First of all, I want to encourage those of you who have been or are serving. It is not what you get in return that matters. It is the Glory that the Lord gets that really counts. If you get burnt out, lean on him. He is your real source of comfort and strength and stamina. Though it is nice and technically you should be, you do not need to be served in return. We are all humans, and we all sin, so no matter how much we think we deserve it, you are not always going to be appreciated by those you serve, or rewarded by those you serve. However, when you heat is in the right spot, the Lord sees it and will honor it.

The second part is for those who are struggling with serving. Maybe you are struggling in the same way that I am struggling, or maybe in other ways. Are you serving because you "have" to? Are you serving because you "feel better" about yourself. Neither of these will bring glory to God. Are you even serving at all? Are you expecting to get served while not using your talents or body to bring God glory. We are the body of christ, we are to be working as one, serving each other. When one person gives everything they got, while another hides in their own selfishness and does not stop to think about someone other than themselves, it hurts the body of Christ. Look around you! There are people that you love who are hurting, who are tired, who are struggling. Knowing what Christ did for you, can you really sit back and watch this struggle take place and not step up and take your rightful place in the body of Christ. Who is in your life that you can bless tonight, tomorrow and everyday there after. Your life is not your own. Everything you have, and everything you are was given/created by God and is to be used for his Glory.