I Am Enough

Maybe I was prettier?

Maybe I  was funnier?  

Maybe I behaved better/different?  

Maybe I was thinner?  

Maybe I got better grades?

Maybe I was stronger (emotionally/physically)?

All of these maybes have gone through my head a time or two (or two thousand... :-/ ). All of these doubts were firmly rooted in my brain by the time I was 22.  All of these questions (and more) I have asked thousands of times since then.  They always have the same after thought:

Then maybe they would like/care for/love me?

All these doubts about me, what I am not, (well, what I think I am not)  usually present themselves as an apology.  The sentence usually flows as:

I am sorry I am not  ________ ENOUGH for you.

I always feel like I fail someone because I am not good enough for that person or situation.  But in reality the only person I am failing is myself.  

When I look at myself and only see my short comings (no pun intended ;) ), I am only tearing myself down.  Not only am I hurting me, I am only hurting the One who made me the way that I am.  I am a masterpiece in the making.  I have a beauty that is uniquely mine (and Cassie's).  I have a sense of humor that has caused thousands of laughs.  I am one of the most caring person you will probably ever know.  I will go out of my way to make everyone happy before I even consider my own emotions.  I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for Kole.  

Most importantly, I was made in His image.  So I do not have to be ENOUGH for someone else.  I am ENOUGH for who He has made me to be.  You see, I do not have to be enough to earn someone's love.  I do not have to be enough to deserve to be cared for.  I do not have to do anything to make someone like me.  I already am just by being me.  I already am liked by so many amazing people.  I already have more people caring for me than I will ever deserve.  And I already have the greatest love that I could ever hope for.  The love of a Best-freind, Lover, Father.  I was enough long before I decided I was not enough for anyone or anything.  

This is why I love writing:

Some one asked me to write a story of one my relationships.  This is not the story but this is my conclusion. 

Initially I wanted to write two ending:  One with us together and one with us apart.  As  I was writing, even before I get into the second paragraph I realize there can only really be one ending.  You see this is why I love writing.  It helps me process because even now what I want to say has just changed.  

What I thought when I started this one was the only ending that can happen is the one with us not together.  I had an easier time recalling the not so good times than the good times.  There are so many more instances of when we were happy and good together, but the bad times were frequent and hurtful.  Part of that is my personality.  I hold onto the things that hurt me and let go of the good times because I am afraid for the worst the whole time.  Another part of that is he treated me like crap a lot of the time, so the bad times are a little more engrained.  How I want it to end is that we both totally turn our lives over to God and we end up such a strong couple that there will not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of how far we have come and how deep our love is for each other.

What I know I need to say is that this story will end exactly and when God wants it to.  I know 100% that He protected me in his own way when I was holding onto the past for as long as I did.  I can feel that in every part of my being.  But why I do not know.  Especially when I still have dreams about him.  Especially when I still think about him as much as I do.  Especially when I still love him as much as I do.  But I do have this overwhelming inkling (oxymoron I know) that there is something great waiting for me.  Something that will either be with him or with some stranger that I could have never imagined.  Something that will end up as such a strong couple that there will not be a dry eye at our wedding because everyone is in awe of how far we have come and how deep our love is for each other.

But in the mean time I want to rely on the unconditional, unrelenting, unfathomable love that my Father, my Lover, my Savior, my Best-friend has for me.  The real question is how do I get there…