I knew when I found out I was pregnant that this was not going to be easy. I knew that I would love this person with all my heart. As soon as I found out we were going to be bringing a child into this broken world a fierce and overprotective demeanor took over. I knew I would do anything to protect him.
What I didn't know was that my dream of a perfect, well adjusted family was only and illusion and my reality of motherhood would be one that I had vowed to prevent in any way I could. I would get a glimpse of this reality when I was 8 months pregnant. This is the time I fist contemplated having to do this partially on my own. My illusion and reality started blending when Kole was a year old and I had asked his dad to move out. I thought we had worked things out until Kole was two and my illusion can tumbling down.
I became a single mom. I really do not think that phrase fits me. Our marriage may not have worked. I may complain about something's but I have never been totally on my own with Kole. His dad still sees him three nights a week. He will support me and stick up for me like the time that Kole told me he wished I would die (not that he knew what he was saying), but his dad had a very long and difficult conversation with him. His dad is the one that prayed with him when he accepted Jesus. So I am not a single mom in every since of the word. But when I have Kole, I am on my own. I love and dicipline. I plan, pay for, and protect him as a single mom when he is at my house.
I often find fault in myself when it comes to parenting. I get angry with him frequently. I yell too often. We do not eat organic, healthy, or homemade meals very often. I like to sleep a little to much and leave him to his own devices more than not. I do not play with Legos every time he asks. He still does not know how to tie his shoes. He can be rather pesky to other people and I often worry if he is annoying them. I have brought men into his life who were not Godly examples of what a man should be. I have failed him many many times.
BUT! I apologize every time I am angry and short for no reason. My son is not with out food, clothes, toys, food, shelter when he is with me. I sleep to much because I work long crazy hours at work that drain me of what energy I do have. It is not going to kill him to play by himself and could even help build his imagination. He does annoy people, but he is 6 and I don't know any 6 year old that does not annoy someone. When men do come into his life who are not good for us, they don't stay long. I fail him every day. But I also love him every day. Show him grace every day. Show him how to overcome mistakes. I pray for him every day. My failures pale in comparison to the small and meaningful times that we laugh, play, smile, hug, cuddle, talked about Jesus.
I am not a bad mom. I am not a perfect mom. But I am a mom who depends upon Jesus everyday she wakes up. I am a mom that shows Kole the love of Jesus on a daily basis. I am a mom who has refused to settle and let circumstances get her down. My child is loved, loves Jesus, loves others, and is well cared for. So I will celebrate this day as his mom. Not just this day but every day, because no one else gets the privilege of being his mother. I will celebrate that I get to show and teach Jesus's love to this child who is brimming with excitement to share it. I will celebrate because even though I am a single mom, I am never alone. I have a perfect Parent guiding and showing me how to be the mother that Kole needs.
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| Churchin' it up.. |
