Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Acts

I love to read.  Usually I read books that have no value, just a good way to get my mind off of the mess of my life.  Sometimes I will read books that will teach me something.  Very rarely do I read the Bible.  I have vowed to change that.  In one of my counseling appointments a goal that I set for myself was to include more of the Written Word in my blog.  I have included a verse here and a verse there.  Part of the reason that this has never been a priority, is that I am no scholar.  I usually second guess everything I think I understand when I read the Bible.  So this blog is a huge step in faith for me.  Like massive.  Because I have been reading the book of Acts.  I started here because it is one that I have never read.  I usually skip over if for the "Go Eat Pop Corn"  books.  In my small mind those books have more life applications than a book about how the church started.  I have only read 7 books, and I have had my mind racing with all sorts of ideas that I did not get when I read my Pop Corn books (not that there is anything wrong with those)

So once again I am no scholar.  I am just a girl.  I am just a girl trying to find her place in this church.  And these thoughts I have about this book may seem trivial to those who have studied this book many times.  I am not a theologian.  I have no formal education on how to write about what I read.  I am probably the last person who should be writing this blog.  But I can not deny the excitement about what "trivial" things I have read.  And if you know me, you know when I get excited about something I like to write about it :)

So here you go! (in no specific order).

1)  Two times in the first 7 chapters it talks about the Holy Spirit coming onto a group of people.  In both of those instances, the earth shook.  Now I do not know about you, but I do not remember the ground shaking when I fully accepted Christ.  Sure, My ground was shaken, but not the actual earth.  Can you imagine the power behind that?  Maybe it was because it was the first few times that it happened, the earth was just not prepared for it, or maybe it was because the multitude of people that were receiving the Holy Spirit all at the same time.  I know there are times where we can say that we "feel" the Holy Spirit's presence.  But that is usually subjective: emotions, feelings, or reactions that we have.  Not a documented earthquake!  It also makes me wonder if where there are people who are being persecuted where there is a very tangible and noticeable move of the Holy Spirit.  We, in our very easy non-threatening existence here in the US, have not really been in a situation where as a community we had a major, multitude, life altering revival.  Yes we have revival but nothing like in those first years of our faith.

2)  The husband and wife who lied about their offering to the church.  This was not an easy part for me to read.  I did not like to read this and actually comprehend what was being said.  As someone once told me, just because I do not like the idea of what is being said in the Word, does not mean that it is still not truth.  So once I wrapped my head around the fact that I did not like what I was reading but it still had application, I was pretty amazed by this little idea.  So what happened was these two lied about what they were offering, they tried to hide some of their belongings from the church.
             A:  I loved the discernment shown here.  He knew they were lying, because the Holy Spirit was showing him that.  That tells me that if we are truly seeking to know Him and do His bidding, we can tell lies from truth (kinda goes back to all those times my ex's lied to me and I knew it.)  Or in an even bigger scheme of things false teachings.  If you are truly seeking to know Him and seek His word, you will know the truth!!
            B:  Even after Christ came and died and we changed from law to grace the wages of sin is still death.  That is the hard part.  These two both sinned.  Nat a major sin. Just a lie right?  It was not like they killed anyone, or committed adultery.  They did give MOST  of their belongings to their church.  So hiding this little bit was not going to harm anyone.  First of all, I do not think it was an requirement to give everything you have the church.  Maybe it was an expectation, but I did not see where it was required.  So even if the did not give anything and were still honest about it I do not think the outcome would have been the same.  BUT, they lied.  And they died.  Kinda crazy.  It is easy to speculate on this.  Maybe they both had some heart condition and when they realized their folly they were so torn with guilt their heart stopped, or maybe out of fear they both had massive heart attacks?  But that is not what was written.  What was written was that they lied and they died.  So, first of all I do not think you are going to die if you tell a lie.  I do not think that if you sin you will loose the Grace and Salvation of Jesus.  But, I do think the church needed to know that even after Christ rose again and "death was defeated" the "wages of sin is still death".  That did not change.  That will never change.  We are still separated by the our Heavenly Father because of our sin and that, in and of itself, is the worst death possible.  But what has changed with the resurrection of Christ is how we atone for that sin.  We do not nor can we do anything to take away our sin because He did it on the cross.

3) One of the first documented miracles after Christ's ascension into heave was on a man well known to those who frequented the temple.  This to me is a no brainer but also kinda awesome.  Everyone who was anyone went to the temple.  At some point they had to see this man.  And it states that he went every day.  Now, that is dedication!  But it is also setting up this miracle perfectly.  His deformity and disability was visible to all who saw him.  There was no denying he could not walk.  The "higher-ups" could not deny it.  Nor could they lie about it because everyone knew.  So when he walked because someone said "In the Name of Jesus" they could not deny that he did indeed walk when he once could not.  Now they did try to deny the power by which he did walk but anyone who saw and heard this man "leap and praise" would have a hard time denying where that power came from.  I believe that is why this man was chosen to be one of the first "after Jesus miracles" to be documented.  Because #1 the circumstances led to little doubt of the actual source of it and #2 because while Peter and John were proclaiming the name of Jesus in leu of this miracle it was the first time the apostles where actually arrested for their proclamations.

4) During of the meetings the apostles prayed for boldness to proclaim Jesus.  And it was granted.  Not only was it granted but once again the earth was shaken!  They did not pray for protection.  They did not pray for food because they have no income.  They did not pray for their families.  They did not pray for their kids.  They did not pray in any way for themselves or for their own comfort.  They prayed for boldness to proclaim The Good News.  How often do we find ourselves trapped in this winey "God please give me this or give me that."  I am constantly praying for something that I want. A husband, a job, financial security.  But what if I changed my prayer from furthering my own comfort to furthering His Kingdom?  I do not think I would get as many unanswered prayers as I do now!

Trivial I know.  But kinda awesome ;)



Monday, April 20, 2015

Pursued

I was having a conversation with this really good friend of mine about boys...  You see we are both kind of in the same boat.  She wants a family but she refuses to "make the first move".  Me, I want a family but I am a little gun shy and tend to either attract all wrong people or scare off all the right ones.  But the common theme in our conversation is that we both want to be pursued.  We want whom ever it is that we have a relationship with to "step up" and initiate the interactions.  And we are both stubborn enough to wait for that.  Her because that is how she was raised and what she saw, me because I have been in relationships where I was the only one changing and the only one making any effort and I won't do that again.

When I talk or think about what I wanted out of the relationships I had my ultimate desire was to be pursued and ultimately feel loved. I think that is an innate desire for most people, especially woman.   We have ended relationships because we did not feel pursued and we have entered into relationships that were totally wrong for us because the person was chasing us with fervor.  Let me give you two personal examples.  The last serious relationship I had lasted about two years.  It ended for a slew of reasons but the main was because he made no attempt to connect with Kole and I.  I just couldn't keep up the constant trying when I was not really getting any response.  OOORRR the last guy who actually pursued me (by pursue I mean more than just casual flirting, like hey I want to see you, I want to get to know you so I am going to annoy the death out of you to so I can get your attention) was married with three kids and was totally manipulating everyone around him. But, I responded because I noticed his intense desire to be around me.

So here I am.  Stubborn and single.  But I am not alone.  You see, just as I have these examples that did not turn out as I had hoped, I have an example that is beyond beautiful.  I have been pursued my entire life.  Every circumstance I have been in there has been the aching feeling that there is something beyond all these distractions Trying to get my attention.  There has been this presence standing at my door and knocking, you know that annoying I am going to bug you and harass you until  you respond to me.  That relationship that was imagined before creation, prepared on a cross, started when I was alone and afraid, and will be completed when I finally get to see His face.  I am the bride of Christ.  I have been His constant desire, His unending pursuit.  My only responsibility was to respond to His suit.

There is this saying out there that says to be with someone who sees all of your flaws and chooses to love you in-spite of them.  He is that someone.  He tells me I am ENOUGH just the way I am.  He also tells me that He loves me ENOUGH to not leave me the way I am.


So I will stay stubborn and single and satisfied.  I will stay this way because my deepest desire is already being fulfilled by Him who has pursued me and will continue to pursue.  One who meets my need for Love in a way that no one else could because He is the author of love, and quite frankly no man is ever going to be able to compare.  I have ENOUGH just the way He is.  

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Holy Spirit

I am doing what I do best today.  I am listening to music!  I love my T.V. for this reason.  I can turn on Pandora from there and Kole and I can rock out, listen, sing dance, what have you.  Probably not the prettiest site or sound but it is still fun.

Well there is this song that I have heard many times and lately it has got me thinking.  The song is sung by Kari Job and its called Holy Spirit.  Here is a video of this song.

Holy Spirit

So the line that has me thinking is "Holy Spirit you are welcomed here."   Part of the reason I have been thinking about is because someone used the line at church once.  The other reason is because I like to sing along with this song.  And that line is basically inviting the Holy Spirit to come to where I am.  So I am welcoming Him in my car, my home, my work.  Where ever I am when I am singing it He is welcome.

One of the times I was singing it I actually payed attention to what I was singing.  I was actually praying what I was I singing, not just blindly repeating the words.  And a light bulb went off.

For so long I have placed God in this box.  When I read the Bible I ask for guidance.  At church I pray that He changes hearts, mostly my hardened and jaded and bitter heart. At work sometimes I will ask that he gives me the strength or energy to get through it.  But I am to unimportant for Him to be present in other times.  My concerns and my everyday life is to insignificant for Him to want to be present in moments that I see as little or no meaning.

But when I put God in a box, I am missing so much of who He is and so many opportunities to praise Him.  He is my Father, my Love, my best friend, my protector, my navigator.  My box has Him pictured as a figure sitting on a throne.  Which, he is.  But He sent the Holy Spirit to us for to have a personal relationship with so that He can be sitting on the throne and we can have that ever present, personal, passionate relationship with him in the big instances of life and the seemingly meaningless  moments.

Now, there is another part of this box that I need to put to rest.  It is the reason that I have developed these boxes.  Above I said that I am to unimportant for Him to be present.  That my everyday life is insignificant for Him to want to be present.  These thought processes are my self-protecting mechanisms.  Learned a long time ago as a child and reinforced as an adult.  If I know that I am insignificant, then it will not hurt as much when someone I care about feels that way too.  If people choose things or other people over me, it does not hurt because they should.  If people who used to like me no longer like me, that is how it should be because I am not enough of something (I have a list of "not enoughs") to have someone want to be around me or be my friend or a boyfriend.   If Kole would rather be at his Dad's I totally get that because I am boring and tired mom who makes him play by himself all the time.

BUT.  He chose me.  He adopted me.  He placed this desire on my heart to know Him, not because I am insignificant and meaningless.  But, because I am of great value to Him.  I am His beloved.  I was the lost sheep that He left the others to come and find.  I am the adulterous woman that He did not condemn.  I am the tax collector he chose to eat with.  I am the sinner that He chose to make clean.  I am the empty vessel He came and filled.    I am important enough for the little times and the big times.  I not obsolete and at least to One Person I matter.  At least to One Person, I am enough to be with.






Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Just Cut it Off

I have had this patient the last several days that I worked.  When I first had said patient it was quiet, shaky, would barely say one word to you.  (I hate the use of it on a human but to remain gender nuteral we will call the patient it).  It was in the hospital due to a horrible infection in one of its feet.  Most of the tissue on that foot was dead and needed to be cut off.  They had tried cleaning it out and giving antibiotics.  Nothing was allowing this foot to heal.  There are a few other medical reasons why this infection was so bad but the bottom line was: The foot needed to come off.  There was a horrible odor coming from this area each time you walked by.  The patient was clearly deteriorating.  The foot looked disgusting.  They tried everything they could think of to keep this necrotic foot attached.

On one of my evenings of work this pt returned back from surgery.  They had preformed an amputation to the affected leg.  And let me tell you the difference in this person was astounding.  The patient was awake, alert, carrying on whole conversations with you.  It was like night and day.  Just removing this necrotic tissue did wonders for this very sick patient.

This made me start thinking of the sin I have in my life.  This sin keeps me from being healthy and vital.  It starts in one area and it may start as a little compromise, but it can soon turn into a huge life altering illness.  The only difference between my sin and this necrotic foot is that my sin looks appealing.  It is clothed as everything I could ever want.  It starts as a tiny desire, a tiny want.  Then I start to dwell in that thought or desire.  I may initially pray about it but soon my prayers become less about what He wants from me and more about what I want from Him.

The first thing that comes to mind is food.  It is soooo easy to justify unhealthy behaviors when it comes to food.  For me it is often I will just have this one treat, and it soon turns into days of just this one multiple treat.  Or even better, I do not like to cook.  Actually, I love to cook, I just hate cooking for only 2 people and I hate cleaning up that mess even more.  So we just don't cook.  We eat out.  And I often let Kole pick because I have making decisions (probably another blog for another day :D)  So we just live in this unhealthy place of eating out and not eating the foods that are good for us.  So my little compromises that look appealing and do not seem too far off base turn into a struggle with weight and self-image that My Heavenly Father never wanted me to experience in the first place.

Or dating.  This is another big one for me.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to date again.  Believe me I have asked myself this question repeatedly.  Biblically would I be able to get remarried?  I know the most common answer is Yes.  But I didn't want common.  I wanted the answer that when I stood before the Lord I could say that I searched His word and His will and knew that this was what would bring Him the most glory, even if it was not the answer I had wanted.  Well after searching and praying about that answer my answer is yes, I will get remarried one day.  So this beautiful hope that I have for mine and Kole's future has somehow become this nagging expectation I have.  This expectation that I have for Him to provide this hope for us like yesterday.  So I stop focusing on my hope for who He plans on bringing for Kole and I and start dwelling on the letdown of who he has not provided for us as of yet.  And me being me I find myself very easily being sucked into this place where my faith starts to crumble a little bit.  I start questioning what I know to be the truth He has revealed to me.

That is what illness can and will do if you let it.  That is what sin can and will do if you let it.  Its a little tiny spark and can build into a uncontrolled flame that starts burning up your hope, your joy, your patience, your faith.  So just like the foot, I should just cut it off.  Right?!  Nip it at the bud, stop it at its source, amputate the sin.  If only it were that easy!

I can't just stop eating... That would be the easy thing to do.  I can't really just stop eating out.  That is not feasible for Kole and I.  I don't want to give up on the hope of remarriage.  I don't think I am supposed to.  So how do I get rid of this illness that has overtaken my joy in who my Father is and who my Father made me??

This is the part where I stumble and hesitate.  I am reminded of Romans 7:19  "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  This perfectly describes my heart right now.  I am not really sure how to get out of this little rut that I am in.  I am usually pretty good at problem solving.  I identify the problem and find ways to fix it.  I know my problem, but I can't see the solution.  Maybe thats because I am too tired, I do not want to see it, or maybe its not my problem to fix.  Maybe I just need to keep laying this at His feet because I am powerless to fix myself.  I need the Great Physician, the Almighty Healer.  My ailments can only be healed by His blood.  I just have to let go of them...