Flight or Fight

Where I work I get to see all sorts of interesting situations.  Our patient population is a variety of disease processes and socioeconomic factors.  Our patients can be there for something as simple as cellulitis to a complex array of commodities.  Lately the population that has made an appearance on our floor is the confused elderly patient with a UTI.  If you do not know much about the elderly and infections this may sound as simple as just give them some medicine and send them home.  Well let me tell you something about these patients.  Your sweet little grandma who has never said a cuss word in her life can all the sudden develop the vocabulary of a sailor and the aggressiveness of Mike Tyson.  Or your hardworking grandpa who goes out of his way to support his whole family can become a raging ball of profanities and punches.

This makes no sense!  How can these normally sweet and unassuming people become threats to themselves and others so fast.  I can not tell you exactly why medically but I can tell you that the first sign of infection is not a fever or pain or the like, it is confusion.  So we bring them into the hospital because grandma is not acting normal.  Now we have these confused people in surroundings that they do not know, which then leads to fear; fear because they have no idea what is going on and they do not feel safe.  So like any normal person, the fight or flight instinct takes over, and they start doing the only thing they know to do: They start protecting themselves.  They try to leave and try to hit to protect themselves.  At rare times this fear gets so intense that they become combative and start hurting people around them.  Sometimes if all else fails we have to "restrain" a patient to keep the staff and the family and the patient safe.

Honestly it all makes perfect since if you step back and look at it.  What would you do if you had no idea what is going on and you feel like someone is interfering with your safety?  I am pretty sure that you already know the answer to that.  But I am also pretty sure you are picturing an actual threat to your well being.  But what about a perceived threat?  Something that gets you out of your comfort zone?  Something that puts you in a situation where your heart rate increase and your blood pressure increases.  Like confronting someone out of love?  Or telling your story about how Jesus changed your life.  Or going to a place that you do not have the comfort of your home, friends and family so that people can hear about Jesus.  Or even a major life change, new job, breaking off a relationship that does not honor God, or starting a relationship that is based solely on His grace and love.  And last but not least admitting and repenting for whatever sin has you chained to your old self.

All of these we often perceive as threats to our well being.  We get scared, we have no idea what God has planned so we start doing what we know best.  We start running and fighting.  We run away from God's plan and His possible glory because we are afraid that our safety is being jeopardized.  Or those restraints we have holding us back from having a closer relationship with Him are so powerful that we refuse to break away from them, to turn away from whatever sin is holding us back.

But the beauty of a relationship with Christ is that we do not have to be afraid.    Isaiah 41:10 says "So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right had."  Or Luke 1:30 "Then he said to her "Do not be afraid Mary, you have found favor with God." Or Psalm 118:6 "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me."  These are just a couple of the verses that tell us not to fear because He is with us.

What would your life, my life, the church look like if we stopped letting fear dictate how we proclaim the Gospel.  Or what if we were not chained to our sins anymore but rather united with Christ in grace and forgiveness.  What if the only thing holding us back from proclaiming Jesus and furthering is kingdom is, well, nothing?

'Tis the Season

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are thinking about life and where it is currently, where you think you want it to go, and how to get there?  My mind has been running circles, my heart has been praying continually about this possibility I have. With out going into to much detail, this will be a change for the way Kole and I currently function.  Maybe for the better, probably not for the worst.  But as I was thinking about it today a passage came to mind.  It is Ecclesiaste 3:1-8.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaves.
"a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I am not a huge fan of change.  It scares me.  I like to know what to expect.  I like to be in-control so that I can protect myself and Kole from the unknown.  I can prepare for what comes next, I can plan for the future.

I so focus on what I think we need for our well-being that I forget that God's plan for me is so much more secure than the plan I have made for us.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope for the future."

I love the way the Holy Spirit does that for me.  Tells me to stop and listen.  My season is going to change.  It may not be what I think it should look like and it may be exactly what I have been asking for.  But this change is not going to harm me unless I let it.  He says I will prosper.  He says I will have hope for the future.

But here is the thing.  In any season, not matter how this one changes for me, my hope is always in Christ so therefore I do have hope for my future.  And no matter how hard my season is, if I'm mourning, sick, so on and so forth, I will prosper because each and every season will bring me closer to Him.

Spoiler Alert

I am pretty sure I am the most spoiled person there is.  I am sitting here on my lunch break writing a blog.  I am starving.  I am tired.  I am stressed.  I have worked 4 12 hour shifts.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow after only 4 hours of sleep for 2 1/2 days.  And I don't really do anything but complain.

But let's put everything into perspective.  I am on my lunch.  Which means I am eating.  Not only am I eating but I have a full meal plus desert.  I am tired.  But the four hours I slept I slept in a very comfortable bed with a roof over my head, blankets, the option of warm clothes.  When I was not sleeping I was grocery shopping.  For food I did not really need but I thought would be nice to have over the weekend.  I am working 4 12 hour shits so I can afford a vacation to Disney Land and a beach on a plane and in a nice hotel.  Tomorrow I get to spend all day with the most amazing little boy I know doing what we love, yard work, soccer, and shopping.  Oh yea shopping.  I have enough money to spend on something that I need but not really.  I have a job that I love, family that supports me, a car to transport me.

And yet, all I do is complain.  I forget how much I have an focus on what I do not have.  I forget how much I have to loose and focus on how much I want to gain.  I forget how much God has blessed me with and focus on how much Satan is trying to take.  My joy, my peace, my patience.  All of that is stolen because I am to selfish to look past myself. 

I always say my biggest desire is to bring Him glory.  I always say that I want my life to show other's His love.  And that is honestly what my heart yearns to do.  But when I focus on myself and not on Him I am letting the enemy win this battle. Granted he already lost the war for me but he still revels in any chance he can to take the light off Jesus and put shadow over my heart. 

But I refuse to let this stay my normal.  This will no longer be my pattern.  When I start to loose sight of what matters I am going stop and refocus.  Focus on all that Jesus has done for me.  But not just for me but for the ones that I love and the ones that I don't know.  The reality is that I have Jesus and that is all that I need.  Everything else is just icing on a very delicious cake. 

Head vs. Heart

There have been many times that I have tried to explain how my salvation came about.  It usually goes something like "Well I got saved in high school, but it wasn't real until the first time my ex and I split up."  I could never figure out how to explain it.  I mean what does "real" mean when I have claimed to already have salvation?  I finally heard a great way to explain this!

Tonight at Kole's basketball awards the pastor said something about "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" and a light bulb went off!  So here is my story!!

In high school I knew that there was a God.  I knew that if I did not "accept" Him I would not be able to spend eternity in Heaven.  I knew all the right things to say.  I knew all the phrases.  I knew right from wrong.  Good from bad, light from dark.  My head knew this.  I had a basic understanding of who God was supposed to be and what that was supposed to look like in someone's life.  

The second time my ex-husband cheated on me was when my heart finally knew.  My heart understood what if felt like to really cry out to Jesus.  Not only did I understand what it was to really cry out to Jesus but it also finally felt the comfort that can only come from Him.  When everything else is falling apart, my life plan was in shambles, I had no one to turn to,  my heart desperately and fully turned to Him.  I knew what it was to want to spend right now with Him, not just an eternity in Heaven.  I knew what it was like to really look at my sin and know how ugly it was.  But the understanding didn't just stop at the knowledge that my sin was ugly, I no longer was ok with it or accepting of it.  I hated it.  I wanted it out of my life.  I did not want to be that person anymore.  This may be confusing because in the world's eyes I did nothing wrong.  But when I looked at myself, I realized I would not want to be married to me either, not just marriage though, it was any sort of relationship.  I was selfish.  I was judgmental.  You see for so long my head knew what it was supposed to look like and I ignored what my thoughts were showing Jesus and focused on what my actions were showing the world.  In one "OH GOD" my heart changed.

I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he says that on Judgement day people will hear "Depart for me for I never knew you"  in Matthew 7:21-23.  At anytime before that night I would have said I had an understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus.  And for the most part I did. And I wanted to.  But it was just a "head" understanding.  But I am certain I would have been the one He told to depart.    It is kinda scary to think about how easily I had myself and everyone else fooled.  How many people are in the same exact boat?  How many people have a head knowledge but do not have  a heart knowledge.  I kind of always knew there was something not quite right with my faith before hand.  Kinda like something was missing.  Not all the dots were connected.  I kept trying to do more, be involved more, I thought that would bring me more Jesus and would fill the hole I kept finding.  But it was not the actions that got me there.  It was not the words that got me there.  It was a complete and total surrender that finally filled it for me.  

I have stumbled along the way.  I have fallen many times.  But the desire I have has not changed.  My desire, the deep down, always present no matter how minute desire I have had since that night has always remained the same.  I still desire to know Him intimately.  I still desire to go where He leads.  I still desire to be a Woman after His own Heart.  I do not want to be who I was yesterday.  I want to be who He has made me today, and who He is making me for tomorrow. 

What is this more?

I posted on Facebook a while ago about how I am meant for more.  But that is such a vague statement.  It can be misconstrued into so many different things.  What is this more that I speak of?  I am not saying that my current situation is anything to frown upon.  I have a great job, I have an amazing son, I have a house and food.  

However, there are things that I desperately want.  Things that I have prayed continually about so that I know where I need to be and what I need to do in order for those "things" to happen.  But, those two things that I want really only lead to one outcome.  

What I desperately want, more than the two things I desperately want, is more Jesus.  I want to be used.  I want to be involved.  I do not want to just be present, but be used.  The two things are just modes of being able to obtain the one thing.

The first of the two things is  a set schedule.  My switching weekends, shifts, schedules, days, nights, is not conducive to being used in the way that I feel like I should be involved in.  I want to be in a small group but I cant because of work and school.  I want to help in a ministry at church but I can't because I work that night/evening.  If I am not working I have Kole which is time that I am not willing to compromise.  I want to go on mission trips but planning one seems difficult because of time and Kole.  I would love to take him with me, I know he would love it!

The second of the two things is someone to grow in my faith with.  I am content with my friends and my current relationships but I have this deep seated desire for a spouse that will not go away no matter how much I try, or pray for it to go away.  I know that if a relationship I have is one that is God honoring and Jesus seeking will help me grow and show me an aspect of God that I do not get in any other relationship. 

My more is not more in the since that what I have is not good enough.  My more is not the more that says I am not content and full of joy where I am right now.  My more is only that I am meant to be used in ways that I can not be used in right now.  I am excited for my more and I want it to happen, like yesterday, but I am tying so hard to be content where I am at and wait on Him, so that I know my more is not my more, but His more.