Tonight at Kole's basketball awards the pastor said something about "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" and a light bulb went off! So here is my story!!
In high school I knew that there was a God. I knew that if I did not "accept" Him I would not be able to spend eternity in Heaven. I knew all the right things to say. I knew all the phrases. I knew right from wrong. Good from bad, light from dark. My head knew this. I had a basic understanding of who God was supposed to be and what that was supposed to look like in someone's life.
The second time my ex-husband cheated on me was when my heart finally knew. My heart understood what if felt like to really cry out to Jesus. Not only did I understand what it was to really cry out to Jesus but it also finally felt the comfort that can only come from Him. When everything else is falling apart, my life plan was in shambles, I had no one to turn to, my heart desperately and fully turned to Him. I knew what it was to want to spend right now with Him, not just an eternity in Heaven. I knew what it was like to really look at my sin and know how ugly it was. But the understanding didn't just stop at the knowledge that my sin was ugly, I no longer was ok with it or accepting of it. I hated it. I wanted it out of my life. I did not want to be that person anymore. This may be confusing because in the world's eyes I did nothing wrong. But when I looked at myself, I realized I would not want to be married to me either, not just marriage though, it was any sort of relationship. I was selfish. I was judgmental. You see for so long my head knew what it was supposed to look like and I ignored what my thoughts were showing Jesus and focused on what my actions were showing the world. In one "OH GOD" my heart changed.
I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he says that on Judgement day people will hear "Depart for me for I never knew you" in Matthew 7:21-23. At anytime before that night I would have said I had an understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus. And for the most part I did. And I wanted to. But it was just a "head" understanding. But I am certain I would have been the one He told to depart. It is kinda scary to think about how easily I had myself and everyone else fooled. How many people are in the same exact boat? How many people have a head knowledge but do not have a heart knowledge. I kind of always knew there was something not quite right with my faith before hand. Kinda like something was missing. Not all the dots were connected. I kept trying to do more, be involved more, I thought that would bring me more Jesus and would fill the hole I kept finding. But it was not the actions that got me there. It was not the words that got me there. It was a complete and total surrender that finally filled it for me.
I have stumbled along the way. I have fallen many times. But the desire I have has not changed. My desire, the deep down, always present no matter how minute desire I have had since that night has always remained the same. I still desire to know Him intimately. I still desire to go where He leads. I still desire to be a Woman after His own Heart. I do not want to be who I was yesterday. I want to be who He has made me today, and who He is making me for tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment