Who I Really Am

On July 9th 2011, I got to watch my sister get married.  It was a GREAT day and a beautiful wedding!

But not only was it those, it was a time of healing for me.  And since that day a time of rediscovery!

I was surprised when I actually looked at my thought processes behind some of my actions and how I acted, at how much I changed to fit someone else's mold.  For the first time in a long time I was myself.  I had fun.  I made a fool of myself and laughed about it.  I was not worried about what others would think, I just enjoyed my time and the people I was with. 

I tend to try to be perfect.  I used to just agree with someone when they would say something.  Think they were right because Iw as not smart enough to know.  Think that I had to be perfect in order for them to like me.  I could not sin or my God would be mad at me.

I realize, and this has been a long time coming, that I do not have to be perfect, but even more so I can be who I was created to be.  I am not longer a doormat, people pleaser, the Kristy who I was "supposed to be".  

I am so excited to see where this takes me.  I grow more and more into the Kristy I was created to be rather than the Kristy I thought I had to me.  For example, I have always loved the country.  Everything about it.  I had the time of my life when I was just sitting by the river with some friends.  I had stopped letting that be apart of who I was when I thought that I was supposed to live in the city for one reason or another.  I am no longer going to tell someone something just because they want to hear it.  I am not going to let people abuse their position in my life.  I am not going to agree with someone just because they are my friends.  I am going to search and learn the truth rather than just taking someone's word for it.

There are some things that will never change though.  I still love Jesus more than anything and strive everyday to learn more about Him.  I still think that the most important aspect to life is to love as Jesus did.  I will always strive to be the best mother that I can possibly be.  

There is sooooo much more that I want to say but for now I will just leave it as I am excited to see where this road will take me :D

What I Do Know

This has probably been one of the hardest, most revitalizing week of my life.

It started off with our meeting with the lawyer.  Then it went downhill from there.  A few major fights, some more lies told to me, some more nails nailed into a piece of wood.  I want to post on here all that has gone on so that those reading this can know just how much I have been hurt this last week.

But all of the pain that I have felt this last week pales in comparison to the anguish God must be feeling watching what is going on.  Not just with what Kane is doing, but when he looks at the way I behaved through it all.

I know what God's Word says, I know what He has told me, I what the Holy Spirit has shown me, but I still go against it and try to "fix" this my way.  When I read His Word, He shows me the same things time and time again.  Then I listen to sermons and not only does he confirm what I already knew, He also emphasizes His grace!  And then He shows me through the most innocent of children what he wants me to do "Wait on Jesus mommy!"  Those words came out of Kole's mouth today!  We were eating lunch and out of the blue he said that!

I do not know what He has in store for me and my son, or even Kane, for the next season in our lives.  But I do know that God is greater than any of our sins.  I do know what I can do:  Love God, Love others, strive to know him more, and give him all the glory in the mean time.  I can do what I can to make sure that Kole knows the Truth and is protected from lies and confusion.  And I can pray.

I will fail, but I will repent. I will feel pain, but I will not be depressed, I may be crushed, but I am not destroyed.  I may be a sinner, but I am His child.  I will obey His commands because I love Him.  He will be my everything, He will be my all, He will comfort me and I will and am full of the Joy and Peace that only comes from Him