Again I ask: Have You?

I have learned a lot the last two and half years of my life.  About myself, about other people, and about God.

What I have learned about myself has not been fun.  Its kind of like once I figure it out, I figure something else out that is worse or harder to confront.

What I have figured out about other people has been both good and bad.  I have learned what true people of God look like.  The love that radiates from them.  The desire to bring God glory and lovingly correcting those in need with out judgement.  To say the truth, even when it is hard to hear.  But, I have also learned a lot about the "not so good side" of people.  Those who are rude, think they know everything, only think of themselves part of people.  I have seen what true repentance looks like, and what it does not.

What I have learned about God, though has not changed.  I may have learned more on the same topic, or learned the same God just in a new light.

For example.  I have learned a lot about love.  At first it was just knowledge based.  Love this, love that.  Then I learned how far God's love for me stretches.  Despite how I view myself.  Despite how others view me.  Despite how other treat me.  Despite my own fears and failures.  Despite how deep my sin goes into the core of who I am.  His love for me has never and will never change.  The only thing that needs to change is my response to it.  Then it grew to application.  God loved me, so I can love others.  How do you do that when you have been hurt so deeply?  How do you love the unlovable?  How do you love those who do not want to be loved?  I know I am on a journey to keep growing in this area.  I do not have it all figured out but I am learning a little bit more everyday.

Another example is forgiveness.  Ohh how I have learned on this subject.  Again at first it was superficial.  Then I felt what it was like for me.  The deepest parts of me that no one saw but me and the Lord.  Those parts I tried to hide from myself, from others and tried to with hold from the one who has always known.  He already forgave them.  On the cross... "It is finished"  Those three words will be enough for eternity.  Then we move to application.  Each time, the cut is A LOT deeper.  The forgiveness goes a bit further, encompasses more of who I am.  The pieces of my heart get smaller.  The get harder to find and put back together.  Forgiveness takes one piece at a time.  Each piece that is put back into place, is one less piece I chose to hold onto, which is one more piece of forgiveness.

The one thing that has not changed in ANY of these concepts, though each time gets a little harder, and each time gets a little deeper, each requires nothing of me, and everything of Him.  The only thing I can do is lay it ALL at the cross.  The rest is already done.  "It is finished".  I learn this every time, in different ways, through basically the same sin, by the hands/hearts of those I love.

To experience forgiveness, I had to be forgiven first.  To give love, I had to be loved first.  By my one True Love, by my Only Comforter,  by my Lord & Savior.  Again, I ask the question:  Have you?

Everything

You know those times in life when you questions all that you know?  All that you though you were, you now have no idea if it was all a reality or just your imagination.  Was I really that person?  How did I get there?  What if I make the wrong choice?  What is the wrong choice?

My heart aches tonight.  Nothing new, I know.  Maybe I am just allowing myself dwell in the pain.  Maybe  the magnitude has just hit me.  What brings about the pain sometimes is soo small and stupid.  But then again it just reminds me of other issues or times where I have been hurt.

First Peter is what I wrote about last time.  Mainly chapter 3, but at least two other times, Peter wants us to rejoice and be prepared for suffering.  Its going to happen.  If it happened to Christ, the only one who did not deserve it, what makes us sinners think that while living in this fallen sinful world, we will not have to suffer and that life will be "easy".  That overcoming the past and or own struggles with sin will be easy or a one-time deal.

So then,  we know life is not easy.  Especially mine... Especially yours.... Especially the person's sitting on the street corner holding a "will work for food" sign...  Especially those who have been hit by the natural disasters lately.... How do we get through these tough times.  1 Thessalonians gives me an answer.  I do not really like it but here it goes...
1 Thessalonians 5: 15-17
"See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

My first response is:  "Great answer God!  Leaves me with more questions..   What exactly is best for everyone?  How is THIS the will of God?".  But then maybe that is the intent because if we had all the answers, why would we need to pray with out ceasing?  Isn't that what he wants anyways?  Constant "communication"  with us?  Most with us just crying out to him and some with him guiding us through his words and urgings?  Anyways... No answers, more questions and reassurance that God wants all of me.

More importantly, he wants all of you.  He wants all of all of us.  Not just for a day, or a week, or a few months.  The words without ceasing is soooo important for this verse.  It means that its not just when I need him.  Or how we push him aside for our own two second self-gratifying action or mindless distraction from reality.  He should be our reality.  With all our souls, hearts, minds, and strength.  With all that we are, we praise Him.  Until the end of time, we are his.  Our Father, best-friend, our lover He  needs to be our everything.

Its Funny

So I post this blog about how I am so confused and lost about all of these decisions I have to make.  I am.

So I turn to the Bible to draw comfort and find an answer.  I wanted a ya or nae tonight.  I did not get that.  What I did get was so much sweeter.

1 Peter 4:12-5:11; 2 Peter 3:14

I will not quote these.  You can read them if you want but, WOW! God is good.  Why did I think this is so completely crazy?  I mean I have been here before so it can happen.  God does not stop trials just because we ask.  His glory will be revealed in me.  I am not sure what that will look like but it will happen.  I may not be persecuted, but I am suffering.  And my heart is being judged.  Am I going to rely on the Lord, or those around me who are sinners themselves?  I value wise council and there are some people's advice that I am taking to heart and putting a lot of stock into, but in the end, they are not the Lord and my answer can only come from Him.  So I will commit my soul to the Lord.  I have many people willing to be my elders who I know are relying on the Lord for guidance.  I will humble my heart.  I will not be proud.  I will make myself nothing and Him everything.  I will cast my cares upon him because He cares for me.  I will not give into the Devil.  I will not believe there is something wrong with me because of one persons actions or another words.  I have done that for far to long.  He, the God of grace will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle me. And He WILL get all the Glory.

I will look forward to what GOD has waiting for me because then is when I will be blameless, no matter what decision I make.

Not the answer I wanted but its the one I needed at this moment.

Ouch

Sometimes I wonder how many times a heart can be broken before it can be put back together.  Then I wonder why me?  The Bible says that we are never given any more than we can handle.  I am pretty sure I am above my limit of handling.

I wish I could just have a HUGE neon sign that tells me what to do.  Maybe this is my neon sign?  I do not know.  Some decisions are soo easy.

I am afraid of losing people.  Other than Jesus, the one person I love the most I may lose.  I will lose part of Kole.  I will lose some friends.

I could have it all though.  I am just so mad that he allowed this to happen.  How many times did I pray that it would not.  How many times did I ask?

Jesus please help because I am soo broken, alone and scared.