Resolutely Single

At the beginning of the year I had made three resolutions for 2014.  They are as follows: 1) Loose weight.  2)  Keep my car clean all year.  3) Celebrate the Holiday season of 2014 single.

I did loose weight.  Go me!  My car, though not always clean, was clean more than it was not. And I have no significant other in which to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year.

I did date someone this year but that was short lived as I found out this person was not only a huge narcissistic liar but also married.  That last sentence shows my choice in men.  I see these guys that put off something that looks "good" then I justify dating them.  Then I think that my belief in their goodness will actually change them.  Then I end it because I find that their faith is not exactly what I thought it was or the relationship is not honoring to the Lord.  But let's look closer at the reason behind these failed relationships.

First  the phrase "my choice" sums it up pretty nicely.  I do not think that I have once sought the Lord before I made up my mind to date someone (and I can be quite stubborn).  I found something attractive about this person, wether it be the attention they gave me, that they can two-step, humor, country, hardworking, whatever and decide that it is ok to date them.  None of those qualities are bad, but none of them are reasons to tie myself to someone.  My whole thought process has changed on this attraction I thought I had had.  Where I used to look at boots, my heart has started finding prayer more attractive.  When I used to look at dancing as a quality, now I see true worship as a must have.  But more importantly, like I have told my son on multiple occasions,  what he and I are looking for, is someone who loves Jesus more than us and more than himself.  I am no longer looking for what I "think I want" but I am looking for someone who pleases the Lord.   

The second reason I know God has prevented these relationships from lasting is because I have let them come between and become more important than my relationship with Him.  I want to get married again and give Kole the siblings he has frequently asked me for.  But He does not want me to do it if it is going to take away from the relationship that He wants from me.  I have often wanted to date someone only to dispel the loneliness I feel.  As a wise man once said "you can not fix internal problems with external solutions".  That is what I was doing and often these men that were meant to lead me closer to Him became my focus instead of Him.  

The only resolution I will have this year is to continue to grow closer to the Him.  He knows my desires, He knows what Kole and I need, and He will bring that person to us.  In His time, in His way.  I will be content while I am waiting.  I will be patient while I am praying.  It may take months or even years before Kole finally gets to stop asking me to marry someone but at least that person will show Kole how to love and honor God, and will lead us to a stronger and closer walk the the Author of Love.

The Rainbows of Nursing

My job is not the most glamorous.  The idea of a nurse is a lot more appealing than the work of a nurse.  Most days my job consists of medication, assessing, more medicine, charting and more medicine, oh and lets not forget about the charting again.  Not to mention the amount of bodily fluids I get to look at and clean up.... Defiantly not the most glamorous jobs I could have chosen.

But I would be lying if I said I did not love my job.  Despite all of the smelly, unappealing, and down right disgusting aspects of my job, there is a beauty in it that I would not find in any other profession.  I could probably go on for hours on quite a few topics, but after a day like today, two come to mind.  1) I am grateful for the life I have because it could always be worse.  2)I am grateful that I get to play a part in helping those who are on the receiving end of "it could be worse."

The average person is going to have average stressors, and they are going to display average response to those stressors.  Everyone is going to feel "depressed" once in a blue moon.  Everyone is going to get "anxious" from time to time.  Everyone is going to loose their cool.  There is a whole array of emotions that we will go through.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  But, I get to see people at their worst, most vulnerable times of their life.  I hear the story's they can't always tell, I see the pain they are trying to hide, I feel the sorrow that they can not help but convey and my heart breaks.  It breaks out of sorrow for the stories I cant change, the pain I cant ease, and the sorrow I can't take away.  But it also breaks with immense joy for my "average" trials and tribulations that I have faced.  These glimpses of "it could be worse" I see in my patients are like God's little rainbows for me to see.  His promise that He is taking care of me and He is in control, even when I don't see it.

My job, what I get paid to do, puts me in a unique position to minister to people in their "It CAN NOT get any worse than this" situations.  I hold the hand of a grieving loved one.  I am the "mamma bear" protecting my patient from their actual mother.  I am the cheerleader on the side line dressed in nurses scrubs cheering a bed-ridden pt as he takes his first steps in months.  I am the silent listener to some much needed venting.  I am the presences when loneliness starts to creep in.  I can find a smile when all we want to do is cry.  I am the soft touch when all they know is the hard hand of defeat.  I am used.  I am used by God to be somebody's "rainbow".  Somebody's promise that God hears their cries, feels their hurts and see's their tears.  Somebody's promise that He cares and He is there for them.

I am only one measly nurse.  There are so many more out there.  One's who are funnier, more compassionate or one who is not as socially awkward as I am.  I can not change the world.  I can not fix every problem.  I can not undo what has been done.  But, for 36 hours a week, I get to be a promise.  I get to be a Rainbow to a Child of God.        

There is Only Grace

Music is by far one of my favorite things.  I love having it on while I'm driving, at home, and while I am working out.  It has the power to evoke emotion when I feel nothing, bring back memories when my mind is blank, say the words that I didn't know how to say.  There is a song that literally said word for word exactly what has been on my heart for the last year or so.  The song is "How Can It Be" by Lauren Daigle and the verse that really hit me was:

"I've been hiding, 

Afraid I'll let you down,

Inside I doubt that you could love me,

But in Your eyes there is only grace."

There was a time in my life that I knew my heart was where He wanted it.  I knew that my desires were in-line with His.  But then life got in the way.  I thought I had it all figured out so I stopped searching.  And as I stopped searching, the road got a lot wider and more crowded with "things".  By "things" I mean sin.  By sin I mean thinking that I knew best, that I didn't need to seek his guidance because I knew what I wanted out of life.  And pretty soon, the things I wanted out of life were no longer in line with what He wanted.  And pretty soon the things I thought I had wanted were no longer what I wanted, they were dragging me down, I was making horrible decisions, and slowly and then more quickly I was lost and confused.  I wanted to hide. Hide from the mess I had made and the God that I ignored.  

I wanted to hide because I knew I had let Him down.  I am the type of person who it's all or nothing.  I screwed up, a lot, so therefore there is nothing that He would want.  NOTHING that deserved grace because there was A LITTLE that was not right.  I was afraid to try again because I had already failed.  And if I can't be perfect at my walk then there was no point in trying. 

Boy, was I wrong.  The first glimpse I got of this was with my son.  That kid screws up all the time.  He sins.  He lies, he cheats, he disobeys.  But there is nothing that he has done or will do that has made me stop loving him.  There is nothing that he has done and that he could do that will make me turn my back on him as his mom.  There is plenty that he could do that would make me want to correct him, guide him, and teach him.  So if I feel that way about my son, why wouldn't my Heavenly Father, whoes love is perfect, want the same from me. 

As the song says, there is only grace in his eyes.   There is forgiveness.  It was already given, freely I might add.  It is an all or nothing sort of thing.  But not the type that I mistakenly thought.  It's not all perfection or no point.  It is all of Him and none of me.  I can do nothing to make Him turn His back, He has already given all of Himself.  There is nothing I can do to earn His grace, other than ask for it.  I am going to screw up.  I am going to fall.  But there is no condemnation, no hell-fire and brimstone.  There is only forgiveness.  There is only grace.

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