I should be sleeping

So its 1:!1 am and I should be sleeping.  I actually was almost asleep then my hubby came in and woke me up when he was going to bed.  So I laid there for an hour tossing and turning.  You see I have a huge week coming up.  Not only is tomorrow Easter and I want to be able to actually enjoy it, I have a three tests, a paper and a project due.  I have only studied for one test and have some of my paper done.  There is no way I can make it this week.

The more I think about how impossible this all is the angrier I get.  I do not want to spend time studying when it could be spent with Kane or Kole.  I do not want to go to school when I could stay at home with my baby.  I want to have more kids.  I want to stay home with them.  I want to have time to spend doing what my soul needs to do, not our pocketbook.  I need a day off, a day where I can spend doing what I need or want to do.  Seven days a week I am leaving Kane or Kole so I can go to class, study, work or pretend to worship God.

It makes me angry.  Angry that I have no time for the important things in life.  Maybe I do I just chose not to utilize my time wisely.  Maybe I don't and I need help somewhere along the way.  I have let go of so many desires that I believe are from Him because of fear.  I think they are from him because the closer I become to Him, the stronger those desires grow.  But I got afraid of those desires or let other people talk me out of them.    

It all boils down to today.  A very special day.  A day that I should be rejoicing.  My savior is risen.  He is alive.  I should celebrate the life I have through him because he is risen.  Instead I am dreading waking up.  i dread it because I know it will be after too few hours of sleep.  A day full of stuff to do and places to go.  No time to rest because I have to go go go.

How do you rest in the Lord?  It is my favorite passage but one that I have never really figured out how to do.  So I just go on being exhausted all the time.  Up early to bed late stressed the whole time between.  Sleep is even not restful now because of all the tossing and turning and thinking that I do instead.

I can't take any more.  I can not take any more stress, any more of hiding my desires or what I really want.  I can not take any more no time or no sleep.  I am done.  I have given up trying.

This is where He takes over.  This is where He overcomes my fears.  This is where I delight myself and Him and He will grant the desires of my heart.

Pretty Amazing

I sometimes wonder about the people behind the writings of the Bible.  Especially Mark, Matthew, Luke, John, and Paul.  I do not know why these 4 come to mind but they do.  Perhaps because they are talked about the most?  Maybe because those are the only four I know?  (I will never tell :p  )  But that is besides the point.  

My point is they are just people.  Just like you, just like me.  They were imperfect people with a huge anointing.  But why?  Were they better than you?  Greater than me?  

I was specifically thinking of when Paul said that he was the worst sinner.  I do not know the reference or the exact phrase, but that is the gist of what he said.  Kane told me that he wrote that in reference to all of the Christians he murdered.  Be that as that may, he still probably thought that about himself on a regular basis for sins other than murder?  Maybe?  As amazing as we perceive all of his "accomplishments", he was still human, still a sinner, still the least of these:  Just like you, just like me.

But what set them apart?  Was it their knowledge?  Maybe.  They were all prob pretty smart.  Was it their money.  Definitely not. They had none, they gave it all up to follow Christ.   So what was it?  I think that they had obedience.  Jesus called out to them each individually, in different ways, and they all dropped their worldly processions and followed Him.  The studied Him.  They talked to Him.  They responded to Him.  They tried to love the people that Jesus did (remember these are imperfect people).  They each had their own struggles, their own sin, but ultimately their heart was focused on Jesus and the plans He had.  

Lets be realistic though.  We are all not going to do everything these guys did.  Prob, I will never get anywhere near that many healings or church plants or be apart of so many people accepting salvation.  Some of will lead many to Christ, while some lead none.  Some will miraculously heal, while others can't even put a bandaid on right.  He may want one person to be a mother and a house wife.  He may call one person to lead a church of 10,000.  

But that does not make any one any less than the other!  All can be equally as glorifying to Him.

What makes us great in His eyes (even though we already are, different blog, different time) is when we obey him.  Obey his command to love.  Obey his desire for us to be close to him by reading His word, praying, and responding to Him.  

Its pretty amazing what the Lord can do when we finally stop and listen to His heart.  It is pretty amazing how much more beautiful we become when we fall more deeply in love with Him.  It is pretty amazing how great people can be when they make themselves nothing and Him everything. 

Relational

In January K-love encouraged their listeners to pick a word.  A word that would represent what we wanted to focus on this year.  I chose the word relational.  I wanted to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ and I wanted to have more meaningful friendships and family relationships.

I have failed miserably.  First of all, my friendships that I wanted to deepen are going the opposite directions.  I hardly talk to some of them.  Some of the girls I wanted to be friends with I am to afraid to get to close to because I am afraid of what they will think of me.  I am afraid that they will think that the decisions I make wont be understood.  That I will some how make them mad.  That I am not "cool enough" to fit in.  I let myself shut down because of stress.  I find a way to make myself think that they really do not care.  I get so tired that I have not energy to invest in meaningful conversation, or even polite conversation.

Some of my relationships are still pretty good.  But I fee like I am not doing my part.  I continually look for the bad in the situation.  What is going wrong, what could do wrong, what am I not doing right.  I let my self-esteem issues get in the way of my relationships.  People make stupid mistakes.  But I have the choice to let that affect me as a person.  Do I let it bring me down, or do I let it bring me closer to the Lord?

I have very little time.  I am so stressed.  With this limited time, I chose to neglect the one relationship that I should rely on the most.  I spend little time reading the word.  I spend little time praying.  I have little faith.

This is about to change.  No more of this, knowing what to do but not doing it.  No more of this living life in fear.  No more of just trying to get by.  I am going to live my life to please the Lord and no one else.  I am going to become more relational, first with my savior and then those whom he has brought into my life.

Pray for me because this will not be easy.