Relational

In January K-love encouraged their listeners to pick a word.  A word that would represent what we wanted to focus on this year.  I chose the word relational.  I wanted to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ and I wanted to have more meaningful friendships and family relationships.

I have failed miserably.  First of all, my friendships that I wanted to deepen are going the opposite directions.  I hardly talk to some of them.  Some of the girls I wanted to be friends with I am to afraid to get to close to because I am afraid of what they will think of me.  I am afraid that they will think that the decisions I make wont be understood.  That I will some how make them mad.  That I am not "cool enough" to fit in.  I let myself shut down because of stress.  I find a way to make myself think that they really do not care.  I get so tired that I have not energy to invest in meaningful conversation, or even polite conversation.

Some of my relationships are still pretty good.  But I fee like I am not doing my part.  I continually look for the bad in the situation.  What is going wrong, what could do wrong, what am I not doing right.  I let my self-esteem issues get in the way of my relationships.  People make stupid mistakes.  But I have the choice to let that affect me as a person.  Do I let it bring me down, or do I let it bring me closer to the Lord?

I have very little time.  I am so stressed.  With this limited time, I chose to neglect the one relationship that I should rely on the most.  I spend little time reading the word.  I spend little time praying.  I have little faith.

This is about to change.  No more of this, knowing what to do but not doing it.  No more of this living life in fear.  No more of just trying to get by.  I am going to live my life to please the Lord and no one else.  I am going to become more relational, first with my savior and then those whom he has brought into my life.

Pray for me because this will not be easy.