So its 1:!1 am and I should be sleeping. I actually was almost asleep then my hubby came in and woke me up when he was going to bed. So I laid there for an hour tossing and turning. You see I have a huge week coming up. Not only is tomorrow Easter and I want to be able to actually enjoy it, I have a three tests, a paper and a project due. I have only studied for one test and have some of my paper done. There is no way I can make it this week.
The more I think about how impossible this all is the angrier I get. I do not want to spend time studying when it could be spent with Kane or Kole. I do not want to go to school when I could stay at home with my baby. I want to have more kids. I want to stay home with them. I want to have time to spend doing what my soul needs to do, not our pocketbook. I need a day off, a day where I can spend doing what I need or want to do. Seven days a week I am leaving Kane or Kole so I can go to class, study, work or pretend to worship God.
It makes me angry. Angry that I have no time for the important things in life. Maybe I do I just chose not to utilize my time wisely. Maybe I don't and I need help somewhere along the way. I have let go of so many desires that I believe are from Him because of fear. I think they are from him because the closer I become to Him, the stronger those desires grow. But I got afraid of those desires or let other people talk me out of them.
It all boils down to today. A very special day. A day that I should be rejoicing. My savior is risen. He is alive. I should celebrate the life I have through him because he is risen. Instead I am dreading waking up. i dread it because I know it will be after too few hours of sleep. A day full of stuff to do and places to go. No time to rest because I have to go go go.
How do you rest in the Lord? It is my favorite passage but one that I have never really figured out how to do. So I just go on being exhausted all the time. Up early to bed late stressed the whole time between. Sleep is even not restful now because of all the tossing and turning and thinking that I do instead.
I can't take any more. I can not take any more stress, any more of hiding my desires or what I really want. I can not take any more no time or no sleep. I am done. I have given up trying.
This is where He takes over. This is where He overcomes my fears. This is where I delight myself and Him and He will grant the desires of my heart.
I don't want this to sound like just the "right answer", but in the midst of your trials, Jesus wants to be your strength. The Holy Spirit wants to be your guide. God wants to be the Father with His arms wrapped around his exhausted daughter. We sometimes get annoyed at the "Sunday school" answers, but they are true. Through God all things are possible. It takes God to love God. One minute at a time. That's all God wants is our heart and attention one minute at a time. Just focus on giving the gift of this minute and the rest will seem less overwhelming. It's already so easy to see how you love the Lord and glorify His name through your life, just keep going, one step, one moment at a time. Trust Him. He has never let you down and never will.
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