If you saw me on Sunday you might have noticed a tear stained face and blood shot eyes. You see, it was father's day. I am not a huge fan of father's day and/or mother's day. My family never made a big deal about either "holiday". We would do dinner for the woman and for grandpa but it was never a huge sappy day that we would go out of our way to celebrate. When I became a mom, I got so excited because I was finally a mom and could celebrate it for real. But my newborn son did not realize that you were supposed to let mom sleep in. And, well, father's day was never a priority. And this year I did not think it would affect me at all. Just another day. But I guess that is why I cried. I had prepared myself for just another day and sermon that would be encouraging and not so close to home.
The cliff-notes of the sermon was this: A father's actions affect his kids, wether we believe it or not, statistics show it. Children of single parent homes are more likely to do drugs, commit suicide, be in unhealthy relationships, have depression, so on and so forth. Ok, well not the best cliff-note version, I do not think you would pass a test with that, but that is all I needed to hear. I had no control of my dad walking out on us for as long as he did, or the man that was my step-dad for as long as he was. I had many father figures in my life and I still do and today I am blessed with some very caring men in my life who do not have to try to protect me but the still do. But I was one of those statistics of a single parent home or step-family homes. Mine was a little more complicated than that but its not relevant any more. Because I am an adult and I thought I could chose what path I chose for myself and my son who does not like to sleep.
Ha! I hope you all laughed at that sentence because it is very humorous. The fact of the matter is no matter how much I tried to prevent it and tired to be perfect, my son is now one of those statistics. He is now living 3/4's of his time in a single parent home. I thought that I could control that and never let him be one of those and now he is. That is heartbreaking. He is now more likely to be depressed, turn to drugs and ETOH. All because I could not control the choices his dad made. And, at my house, on a regular basis there is not a God-fearing, caring man around. Please do not misread that.... By "on a regular basis" I mean consistently every night a man at my house showing him how to be a man. How to love, how to treat people, how to be responsible. We have a lot of men in our lives that love us and do whatever they can for us but its not an everyday occurance. I can not change that. I refuse to just allow whom ever into our lives and show my son what not to do. And it seems all the good ones are taken or are not interested in us....
So here I am. Crying on a Sunday because I have failed my son. I have made him a statistic.
But then he said it. "You can break the cycle." At first I was thinking to myself that I can not break the cycle. I am the reason I am a single mom. I am the reason he does not have a God-fearing father figure at my house. I have no control over the fact that I am still single. There is no way I can fix this because I am alone and will be alone for the foreseeable future.
And then I hear it. A gentle rebuke. A subtle yet powerful reminder.
"You do no have to break the cycle because I already broke it for you"
I have to think about it for a second. How did you already break it when it is still a very real truth in our lives. So I started looking from the outside in.
First of all, I like to believe that his father, no matter how much we do not get along or how much he annoys me ;), really has changed. But even if he has not, and will always repeat the same cycles, my child knows Jesus. He has accepted him and knows Him personally. He will stumble and he will fall, an he may make some very stupid and horrible decisions, but there is no doubt that my child knows and loves Jesus personally.
Second of all, my son may not have a father figure at my house. But that is because when my son's mother felt the nudging of the Lord that what ever relationship was not right for us, that relationship was ended soon after. I may have used other reasons but, I can honestly say every time I ended a relationship started with a very quiet thought that it was not God honoring. Most people will look at that statement and think that I am just blowing smoke. But that still small voice was always in the back of my mind and things just started going down hill after that once I finally listened. So, Kole does not have a Godly role model every night he is at my house. BUT there is not a man living with us that does not know Jesus either.
I was crying because I can not protect my son. Then, I was crying because I can not protect my son, but He already has. There is a verse about how perfect love casts out fear. My fear is based on my love for my son. But there is a love that is greater than the one I have for him and it is perfect and protective. If I can have faith in the perfect love and let it continue to protect Kole, then I know the cycle is broken. I know that my son is not a statistic any more but rather the exception. That perfect love that was given to me and shown to me through His word and His works has now been given to my son and that is the only thing that could have and will every break the cycle for my son.
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