Glory

It has been one of those nights.  Always seems to be the night before a test.  I can not concentrate.  I am distracted, hurt, sick, scared, worried.

I need to write a blog tonight.  This is my prayer for healing.  This is my heart laid out in words that will not do it justice.  This is all the pain, all the hurt, all the HOPE, and all the JOY I have and will have.

I do not like this person that I am.  I do not like the person that some people get to see of me.  I have hurt those around me.  In my selfish-blindedness, I have said or acted in ways that have hurt people whom I love the most.  I hurt.  Sometimes it hurts so much that I can not even fathom that there will ever be any hope.  Sometimes the pain is so deep that it creeps into all that I think, do or say.  I have done and said some stupid things in this hurt.  I have let it cover up God's love.

But through this pain, I know there are others hurting more than I am.  I like to pretend I know people, I like to pretend that I understand.  But I don't and I probably never will.  There is pain worse than mine.  There are people who have no where to turn.  There are people who think that what they are turning to will help and it doesn't.  There are people who have no hope.  There are people who can not find joy.

I have a Hope and I have a Joy.  This hope and joy comes in the form of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I have in me.  I am in pain, but I have a Jesus that already took that pain.  I have a Comforter who is always by my side.

I am listening to a bunch of music.  There are specific songs that are completely speaking to my heart.  I was listening to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise".  I can say it is well because Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed, victory is won, He is risen from the dead and I will rise when he calls me my name, no more sorrow, no more pain.

My heart screams to bring God glory.  It screams to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  I have so much hope, so much joy, and everyone deserves to have it.  I will sin, I will screw up, I will have many ugly times in my life.  But my heart will be with God.  My heart will be striving for the things above.

I do not know what is going to happen.  I do not know what this will look like.  But, I do know, as a wise woman told me, "God is bigger".

God is bigger and he is changing me.  My God is greater, and I will seek only to bring him glory.  What ever that may look like. As I wrote before, my hearts cry, my deepest desire is to bring the Lord glory.  I will forgive, I will love, and I will glorify the Lord through it all.