Today is the Day

Today is the day.    We have a meeting with the lawyer at 4:15 today.  12 hours away and I am sitting here sick to my stomach.

I do not want my marriage to end.  For so many different reasons, and not all of the "holy" reasons.  Some of them are pretty darn selfish.

I sense bitterness creeping in.  A little bit at a time.  Then I use it as an excuse to sin.  Well who really cares anymore.... God does not care about me.... Would he really let my husband do this to me if he did?

Kane will tell you he does no love me.  He never has and never will.  We have never really been married....

Satan will tell you the same thing.  He tries to tell me that.  Pretty sure that is not the case.  I was completely his wife for the past 4 years.  Every part of me.  I was not perfect, still am one of the biggest hypocrites ever.  But that does not take away from the fact that I was always his wife, even when he was unfaithful.

But here we are.  Some of my deepest desires are being ripped away from me by sin.  And then I use that as an excuse to sin.  My heart is as black as possible.  Full of sin and bitterness and anger.  I want to make the Lord happy, bring him glory, be his light, but I fail miserably.  Obviously cause my marriage is failing and I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.  What is wrong with me.... And then I look at the here and now and see that just as a child of God and not as a wife, I still chose myself over God every chance I can...

I pray for restoration, but I really doubt it is going to happen.  I mean I doubt Kane and his willingness.  Especially since he has a girl that he works with that he is talking to.  Waiting in the background.  Supposedly they are just friends, but from what I can tell they are not just friends.  Ohh how i wish I could talk to her.... Ask her why?

I even doubt God's grace for me to give me the desires of my heart, and I just have an extreme lack of faith.  I don't deserve to be given these desires when I fall so miserably.

And then there is poor Kole.  If there is anything I want more in this world is that he will be protected from the sins of his mommy and daddy.  He is such a precious little boy, he does not deserve this!  To have a liar as a daddy or a hypocrite as a mother.  Poor baby....My heart breaks for him...

I need God in a way that I have never needed him before but I can not seem to find him.   Can't say that I blame him though.  I do not really want to be around me in this condition either.

I have this blog as private.  Please pray for me... I am hurting and feel like I am drowning...  I do not know which way is up anymore.