Limitless Faith

Usually it is a song I hear at the right place at the right time.  But yesterday at work, it was the TV that caught my attention.  I have been wrestling with the idea of faith a lot lately.  Mainly it is the verse that talks about faith the size of a mustard seed.  What exactly does that look like?  And how does that look in my life?  The sentence I heard did not answer my question but it gave me some steps in the right direction.

The sentence is as follows:  The key to limitless faith is to eliminate the limits. 

I know it sounds so simple and self explanatory but just hearing those words helped me simplify my thinking.  I tend to over think things and make things waaayyyy to complicated.  In order to know what faith looks like in my life I need to obtain that.  And in order to obtain that I need to eliminate the things that are preventing it.  And, in order to eliminate those obstacles I need to first identify those obstacles.   So here they are...

My first obstacle is my desire to be loved/liked by everyone.  My last blog was about my greatest fear of being unloved and unlovable.  Though my desire to be loved is not wrong or off base, the idea that everyone could, should, and would is.  The Bible makes it clear that to be lovers of Christ is to make enemies of the world.  If my faith in who Christ is is so evident then my life and me as a person is going to make enemies.  So me living a life that will make me loved by everyone is inhibiting the growth of my faith.

My second obstacle is my desire to be in control.  If I truly lived by faith, I would have faith that His plan is greater than anything I could make for myself.  I had this idea of what I thought my life would be and that went down in a not so glorious blaze.  So then I spent my time coming up with other life plans.  Those so far are just figments of my imagination.  He loves me and knows my desires, but more importantly His plans will work for my good.

My third obstacle is that I don't ask for it.  When Jesus says in Mathew 7:7 "ask and you shall receive", He is not talking about asking for silly things like getting out of a speeding ticket, after all I prob deserved it :-/ (don't judge lol). He wants us to ask and search for thing that make us like Him or bring us closer to Him.   He wants me to place my faith in Him and the plans He has for me, if only I would ask for it.

I am sure that I will discover more limits as I continue this journey, but they won't be limits for long.

Unloved and Unlovable

You know that phrase Jesus says to one of the disciples "You of little faith,  why are you so afraid", I am pretty sure that phrase was spoken just for me.  I am not afraid of spiders or snakes or storms.  I might even be called an adrenaline junkie.  I am the one standing on the very edge of the cliff to get a better view.  I am the one that will go skydiving when I can afford it.  If I were in a horror movie I would probably be the first cast member to go because I would be the one walking towards the danger, not away.

My fear is a little more deep rooted and harder to pinpoint than most people.  I am not even sure how to explain my fears.  I think if I had an over encompassing idea of where my fear is seated it would be that my biggest fear is that I am unloved and unlovable.

I am unloved.  I have so many people in my life but my fear is that I am not "good enough" to mean something to them other than an occasional "hey there" or "hope you are doing well".  I am constantly worried that I have upset someone, that I am not very good at my job, that my son would rather be with his dad, the list goes on and on but it all boils down to my fear of not being significant enough for those whom I love to love me in return.  

I am unlovable.  So not only do those who are in my life not love me, there is no possible way they could love me.  I am not "good enough" to be loved.  I am afraid that I will loose my current relationships if I do something to upset them.  I am afraid that I will be alone or never have any more children.  

Just typing out those two paragraphs I know how unfounded those fears are.  One reason I know that is by the amount of people I know I have people rooting for me in my corner.  The other reason I know these fears to be off base is because of the focus of them.  If you pay attention to what I wrote about my focus is not where it should be.  I am putting a ton of faith in the people around me rather than faith the size of a mustard seed in my Heavenly Father.  My fear is in people rather than having my Hope in Christ.  My heart is set on shifting sand rather than the Rock of Salvation.

I want to have the faith that He asks of me.  I want my focus to be on Him.  I want to feel again, but I don't want to feel fear.  I want to feel that burning desire to know Him.  I do not want my fears and my lack of faith to keep me from being close to Him.  I am not sure how to get there but I know I want to be there! Any suggestions and prayers would be appreciated :)

What is this thing we call worship?

Someone told me today that church was good today because they "really enjoyed worship."  That phrase got me thinking.  What is worship really about?

I love singing.  I love praise and worship music.  I love going to church to sing those songs and listen to the sermon. But I love it because it makes ME feel something.  Warm and fuzzy.  Full of peace and love.  It makes me feel good about what I am doing on that Sunday morning.  But I am not sure that worship is really about how I feel and more about how He feels when I am worshiping Him.

If worship is about giving Him glory, singing His praises, showing Him honor, then why is how good "worship" was gaged on how good I feel in the process? There is so much more to worship than what my mind has conjured.  If what I am doing right now can bring God praise, then that is worship.  If when I go to work and people can His love through me, that is worship.  When I tell my son everyone is bad with out Jesus and we get to talk about how much Jesus loves us, then we are worshiping.  I can go on a walk and marvel at His creation, I can choose to read His word when I have other things I would rather be doing.  I do not have to be in a church building to worship my Creator.  He is, after all, everywhere, so my worship is not confined to a single location.

But even after deciding that my worship can happen anywhere there is still an idea about it that I need to dispel.  If I am solely worshiping because of the way I feel when I am done, or if that is my driving force, then no matter where I am or what I am doing, it is not worship.   I can sing all the songs in the world, but if my heart is not focused on Him then it is all for naught.  If I go to work and take great care of my pts but my heart is not focused on showing His love to them, I have wasted my time.  Worship has never and will never be about me.  It is about Him and Him alone.

But the amazing thing about God is that He can take my feeble attempt at worship and make it great.  I can be at work and the last thought on my mind be Jesus and someone will ask me when I became a believer because of something I said and did not even notice.  I can be beyond frustrated with this child of mine but he does this little smile and in the blink of an eye my heart is filled with such joy that I forget why I was mad in the first place.  I feel like if you truly do love Christ, despite the distractions that come with this world, your heart will always find a way to worship Him.  And He does not leave you wanting.  When you meet Him in true worship all those feelings of love and joy and peace are so abounding that you do not want to do anything but.  He can take the littlest part of me that is worshipping and expound it so that He will be given glory.  My  worship may not be perfect, but His desire to have me close and to love me is.  Which is why, worship though not always done for the right reasons will always bring me closer to Him.  And, the closer I become to Him, the more I find worship to not just be in a single location on Sunday mornings.

Sorry Not Sorry

I went to get my tattoo today!!  Yay :)  I asked the artist to write I am in font close to what I already had.  She did exactly that.  The only thing I forgot to tell her is that I wanted the "am" capitalized.  When I asked her to change it I think I apologized to her about 5 times.  It is my tattoo, I have to wear it, it was not a big deal to rewrite it (which literally took 30 seconds), so my little request does not require that much remorse or 5 apologies.  Later, when she needed a copy of my drivers which is their policy for any tattoo, she apologized to me for that.

"I am sorry" is said so easily.  I say it to my son.  I say it to my family, friends, patients so often that I do not even realize that I am saying it.  But, when I say those words with out any thought, they mean nothing.  Most of the time, I am not really sorry.  I just say it to appease the other person.

No Kole I am not sorry you have to follow the rules.
No my narcotic seeking pt, I am not sorry you have to wait for the safe amount of time to pass before I give you some more paid meds.
No friend or family member, I am not sorry that I am too tired after a 13 hour shift to come over or hang out.

The word is so over used the true meaning and emotion behind those words that should be there are nonexistent.  When it should be an acknowledgment of remorse for some wrongdoing I have committed, it is just a phrase muttered out of habit.  When it should be my promise for a change of action, it is just a fleeting conversation that is soon forgotten.

But when it really matters, and when I really need to truly be sorry I fail to say or even acknowledge the need to say the words.  To truly be sorry, I need to truly be asking for forgiveness.  To truly be sorry, I need to be seeking a heart change.  To truly be sorry I should feel remorse.

Lately I have felt a wall between God and I.  I have had this wall for a couple years now.  And I think I finally found out where that wall stands.  It stands in-front of my empty sorry.  I used to think the wall stood because I was not perfect.  But if that was the case, then all of us would have this wall.  My wall is standing on and because of all of my "sorry"'s or "please forgive me"'s that I utter with not real meaning behind them.  My heart does not feel it.  I know that I am making no real effort to actually change.  I know that I am just going to justify my action.  I know that I am just going to make a deal with God so I can keep doing that same sin.

God does not want my words.  God does not want my empty promises or half hearted truths.  He already knows that I am not sorry even before I lie to myself and to Him.  He wants my heart so that He can make it new.  I may not be sorry at this moment, but I can pray that He starts to change my heart so that I will become moldable.  I do not want to continue with this wall.  It is driving me crazy.  And I am not sorry right now.  But I want to be sorry.  I am not remorseful at this present moment.  But I want to be.  And even though it is not where I am supposed to be for the most fulfilling relationship, it is a place to start so that I can once again break down this wall of emptiness.

Resolutely Single

At the beginning of the year I had made three resolutions for 2014.  They are as follows: 1) Loose weight.  2)  Keep my car clean all year.  3) Celebrate the Holiday season of 2014 single.

I did loose weight.  Go me!  My car, though not always clean, was clean more than it was not. And I have no significant other in which to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year.

I did date someone this year but that was short lived as I found out this person was not only a huge narcissistic liar but also married.  That last sentence shows my choice in men.  I see these guys that put off something that looks "good" then I justify dating them.  Then I think that my belief in their goodness will actually change them.  Then I end it because I find that their faith is not exactly what I thought it was or the relationship is not honoring to the Lord.  But let's look closer at the reason behind these failed relationships.

First  the phrase "my choice" sums it up pretty nicely.  I do not think that I have once sought the Lord before I made up my mind to date someone (and I can be quite stubborn).  I found something attractive about this person, wether it be the attention they gave me, that they can two-step, humor, country, hardworking, whatever and decide that it is ok to date them.  None of those qualities are bad, but none of them are reasons to tie myself to someone.  My whole thought process has changed on this attraction I thought I had had.  Where I used to look at boots, my heart has started finding prayer more attractive.  When I used to look at dancing as a quality, now I see true worship as a must have.  But more importantly, like I have told my son on multiple occasions,  what he and I are looking for, is someone who loves Jesus more than us and more than himself.  I am no longer looking for what I "think I want" but I am looking for someone who pleases the Lord.   

The second reason I know God has prevented these relationships from lasting is because I have let them come between and become more important than my relationship with Him.  I want to get married again and give Kole the siblings he has frequently asked me for.  But He does not want me to do it if it is going to take away from the relationship that He wants from me.  I have often wanted to date someone only to dispel the loneliness I feel.  As a wise man once said "you can not fix internal problems with external solutions".  That is what I was doing and often these men that were meant to lead me closer to Him became my focus instead of Him.  

The only resolution I will have this year is to continue to grow closer to the Him.  He knows my desires, He knows what Kole and I need, and He will bring that person to us.  In His time, in His way.  I will be content while I am waiting.  I will be patient while I am praying.  It may take months or even years before Kole finally gets to stop asking me to marry someone but at least that person will show Kole how to love and honor God, and will lead us to a stronger and closer walk the the Author of Love.

The Rainbows of Nursing

My job is not the most glamorous.  The idea of a nurse is a lot more appealing than the work of a nurse.  Most days my job consists of medication, assessing, more medicine, charting and more medicine, oh and lets not forget about the charting again.  Not to mention the amount of bodily fluids I get to look at and clean up.... Defiantly not the most glamorous jobs I could have chosen.

But I would be lying if I said I did not love my job.  Despite all of the smelly, unappealing, and down right disgusting aspects of my job, there is a beauty in it that I would not find in any other profession.  I could probably go on for hours on quite a few topics, but after a day like today, two come to mind.  1) I am grateful for the life I have because it could always be worse.  2)I am grateful that I get to play a part in helping those who are on the receiving end of "it could be worse."

The average person is going to have average stressors, and they are going to display average response to those stressors.  Everyone is going to feel "depressed" once in a blue moon.  Everyone is going to get "anxious" from time to time.  Everyone is going to loose their cool.  There is a whole array of emotions that we will go through.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  But, I get to see people at their worst, most vulnerable times of their life.  I hear the story's they can't always tell, I see the pain they are trying to hide, I feel the sorrow that they can not help but convey and my heart breaks.  It breaks out of sorrow for the stories I cant change, the pain I cant ease, and the sorrow I can't take away.  But it also breaks with immense joy for my "average" trials and tribulations that I have faced.  These glimpses of "it could be worse" I see in my patients are like God's little rainbows for me to see.  His promise that He is taking care of me and He is in control, even when I don't see it.

My job, what I get paid to do, puts me in a unique position to minister to people in their "It CAN NOT get any worse than this" situations.  I hold the hand of a grieving loved one.  I am the "mamma bear" protecting my patient from their actual mother.  I am the cheerleader on the side line dressed in nurses scrubs cheering a bed-ridden pt as he takes his first steps in months.  I am the silent listener to some much needed venting.  I am the presences when loneliness starts to creep in.  I can find a smile when all we want to do is cry.  I am the soft touch when all they know is the hard hand of defeat.  I am used.  I am used by God to be somebody's "rainbow".  Somebody's promise that God hears their cries, feels their hurts and see's their tears.  Somebody's promise that He cares and He is there for them.

I am only one measly nurse.  There are so many more out there.  One's who are funnier, more compassionate or one who is not as socially awkward as I am.  I can not change the world.  I can not fix every problem.  I can not undo what has been done.  But, for 36 hours a week, I get to be a promise.  I get to be a Rainbow to a Child of God.        

There is Only Grace

Music is by far one of my favorite things.  I love having it on while I'm driving, at home, and while I am working out.  It has the power to evoke emotion when I feel nothing, bring back memories when my mind is blank, say the words that I didn't know how to say.  There is a song that literally said word for word exactly what has been on my heart for the last year or so.  The song is "How Can It Be" by Lauren Daigle and the verse that really hit me was:

"I've been hiding, 

Afraid I'll let you down,

Inside I doubt that you could love me,

But in Your eyes there is only grace."

There was a time in my life that I knew my heart was where He wanted it.  I knew that my desires were in-line with His.  But then life got in the way.  I thought I had it all figured out so I stopped searching.  And as I stopped searching, the road got a lot wider and more crowded with "things".  By "things" I mean sin.  By sin I mean thinking that I knew best, that I didn't need to seek his guidance because I knew what I wanted out of life.  And pretty soon, the things I wanted out of life were no longer in line with what He wanted.  And pretty soon the things I thought I had wanted were no longer what I wanted, they were dragging me down, I was making horrible decisions, and slowly and then more quickly I was lost and confused.  I wanted to hide. Hide from the mess I had made and the God that I ignored.  

I wanted to hide because I knew I had let Him down.  I am the type of person who it's all or nothing.  I screwed up, a lot, so therefore there is nothing that He would want.  NOTHING that deserved grace because there was A LITTLE that was not right.  I was afraid to try again because I had already failed.  And if I can't be perfect at my walk then there was no point in trying. 

Boy, was I wrong.  The first glimpse I got of this was with my son.  That kid screws up all the time.  He sins.  He lies, he cheats, he disobeys.  But there is nothing that he has done or will do that has made me stop loving him.  There is nothing that he has done and that he could do that will make me turn my back on him as his mom.  There is plenty that he could do that would make me want to correct him, guide him, and teach him.  So if I feel that way about my son, why wouldn't my Heavenly Father, whoes love is perfect, want the same from me. 

As the song says, there is only grace in his eyes.   There is forgiveness.  It was already given, freely I might add.  It is an all or nothing sort of thing.  But not the type that I mistakenly thought.  It's not all perfection or no point.  It is all of Him and none of me.  I can do nothing to make Him turn His back, He has already given all of Himself.  There is nothing I can do to earn His grace, other than ask for it.  I am going to screw up.  I am going to fall.  But there is no condemnation, no hell-fire and brimstone.  There is only forgiveness.  There is only grace.

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