I have been having a hard time the last couple of days. My whole world has been turned up side down and in side out. I am going trough some life changes and they are making me rethink everything I had thought about myself in previous times.
I used to think I was a good student. It turns out that I am not. I have "failed" ( I use that term loosely because failing a test in nursing is different than other departments in higher education) two tests. So no longer can I identify myself as a good student. I used to think I was a good wife. But I keep finding ways that I fail Kane each and every day that, I am having a hard time identifying myself as a good wife. I used to consider myself as a good mom, but again, everyday I see areas in which I fail Kole that I am reluctant to use "good" and "mom" in the same sentence.
I used to think I was a good Christian. But every day I see where I have let God down. Whether it be by my fear or my reluctance to share His work in my life. What always catches me off guard is my selfishness. I "serve", but am expecting something in return or have ulterior motives so its not really serving. I want what I want and I want it now. I expect everyone to want to listen to what I have to say and think that it is more important than the homeless guy sitting on the corner begging for food.
Well as much I want to control my life and be who I wanna be, I can not. I have failed miserably at being me and running my life. And the reason behind my failure is that my whole thought process is wrong.
This is not my life. When I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and chose to live for him, I lost my life and he took it. I am no longer going to be "who I wanna be" but who He has called me to be.
Who is that I ask? Is it a wife? Well yes, I am already one so I am called to die to myself so that Christ may love my husband. Is it to a a mom? Well yes, I already am one and who was defiantly on huge miracle from the Lord. So I know that He has called me to show Christ's love to this precious life that was created during a time of extreme distress for Kane and I. I also know that I am going to have another baby. NO I AM NOT PREGO. But the closer I get to Christ, the more I want another baby. I also know that I am supposed to be a student, because every time I asked him to show/tell me where he wanted me, it was in school.
So here I am. In my bedroom. A wife. A mother. A student. But, most importantly, a tool. A tool that the Lord has placed in this specific situation for a reason. I do not know what that reason will look at. But I do know that He has me primed and ready. No I just have to wait on him.
Look out world here I come. :D
2 Thessalonians 1:11
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.
You are an amazing person Kristy! You aren't giving yourself enough credit. You are a great wife and loving mother, as well as an AMAZING friend! If it werent for you I don't know how I could have made it through the tough times I have had. I love you and you need to give yourself more credit! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other person. Also, stop grading yourself in each area of your life. Quit trying to serve all of the time. It's easier said than done, but "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto the". Just focus on discovering who Jesus is. Not what he wants from you, because all he truly wants is your heart and the rest will follow. Jesus came to show us the real heart of God that had been so misunderstood by His creation. You can only love God because He first loved us. So, just bask in His love. Soak it in. Don't worry about what is coming out of you at the moment. Love in = Love out. But first is the love in. Let it in, especially since we don't deserve it. That's the only way God gets to pride Himself in His mercy. He audibly said when asked about himself, "I am the Lord God, Merciful and Compassionate." If we were perfect, we would be taking away one of His favorite parts of Himself, His Mercy. Not that we are free to sin so grace can abound, but all He wants from us is a willing heart, a ear that hears, a willing vessel. You are that. The most important thing we can give to the Lord is this moment, over and over again, I give Him one moment at a time. He is ravished by one glance of our eye. Do you believe it?
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