It has been one of those nights. Always seems to be the night before a test. I can not concentrate. I am distracted, hurt, sick, scared, worried.
I need to write a blog tonight. This is my prayer for healing. This is my heart laid out in words that will not do it justice. This is all the pain, all the hurt, all the HOPE, and all the JOY I have and will have.
I do not like this person that I am. I do not like the person that some people get to see of me. I have hurt those around me. In my selfish-blindedness, I have said or acted in ways that have hurt people whom I love the most. I hurt. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can not even fathom that there will ever be any hope. Sometimes the pain is so deep that it creeps into all that I think, do or say. I have done and said some stupid things in this hurt. I have let it cover up God's love.
But through this pain, I know there are others hurting more than I am. I like to pretend I know people, I like to pretend that I understand. But I don't and I probably never will. There is pain worse than mine. There are people who have no where to turn. There are people who think that what they are turning to will help and it doesn't. There are people who have no hope. There are people who can not find joy.
I have a Hope and I have a Joy. This hope and joy comes in the form of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I have in me. I am in pain, but I have a Jesus that already took that pain. I have a Comforter who is always by my side.
I am listening to a bunch of music. There are specific songs that are completely speaking to my heart. I was listening to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise". I can say it is well because Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed, victory is won, He is risen from the dead and I will rise when he calls me my name, no more sorrow, no more pain.
My heart screams to bring God glory. It screams to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I have so much hope, so much joy, and everyone deserves to have it. I will sin, I will screw up, I will have many ugly times in my life. But my heart will be with God. My heart will be striving for the things above.
I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know what this will look like. But, I do know, as a wise woman told me, "God is bigger".
God is bigger and he is changing me. My God is greater, and I will seek only to bring him glory. What ever that may look like. As I wrote before, my hearts cry, my deepest desire is to bring the Lord glory. I will forgive, I will love, and I will glorify the Lord through it all.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
"It is finished"
I am taking a summer class. We are studying a few books and a book titled "The meaning of Jesus: Two Visions" being one of them. I am actually enjoying it. Not just because it is keeping me distracted, but also because I am learning a lot and it is making me think.
Tonight I was reading about the Death of Christ. One of the guy's words hit me right where I needed it tonight.
I am not going to quote it but he basically reminded me of when Jesus spoke "It is finished" on the cross.
I wonder if rather than just referring to just the act on the cross, he was referring to the conquering of all sins. He only had to die once. For all sins. Ones already committed, and ones yet to be committed.
I can not remember his exact words but when Kane and I were separated last time, the pastor who was helping us brought up a good point. The sins that Kane had committed before were already forgiven. The sins he committed this time were already forgiven. The hard part was already done for me. I just had to grab onto what Jesus had to offer me.
I also wonder if it had something to do with the pain we go trough. It has already been taken care of. On the cross, Jesus took our pain for us. We will still go through hard times, and they will still hurt, but if we make a conscious effort to lay it at the cross and spend that time with our Jesus, then we will get through the pain. He already did the hard part.
So I end with this. What sin is still eating at you? What forgiveness can you not seem to find? What lies are you believing? What pain are you not letting go?
All the sin you are dealing with. The pain in your heart. The forgiveness you can not seem to find. It was already taken care of. Already conquered.
All we have to do, with every temptation, every uneasy feeling, every hurt feeling, is lay it at the cross and let Jesus say "It is finished".
Tonight I was reading about the Death of Christ. One of the guy's words hit me right where I needed it tonight.
I am not going to quote it but he basically reminded me of when Jesus spoke "It is finished" on the cross.
I wonder if rather than just referring to just the act on the cross, he was referring to the conquering of all sins. He only had to die once. For all sins. Ones already committed, and ones yet to be committed.
I can not remember his exact words but when Kane and I were separated last time, the pastor who was helping us brought up a good point. The sins that Kane had committed before were already forgiven. The sins he committed this time were already forgiven. The hard part was already done for me. I just had to grab onto what Jesus had to offer me.
I also wonder if it had something to do with the pain we go trough. It has already been taken care of. On the cross, Jesus took our pain for us. We will still go through hard times, and they will still hurt, but if we make a conscious effort to lay it at the cross and spend that time with our Jesus, then we will get through the pain. He already did the hard part.
So I end with this. What sin is still eating at you? What forgiveness can you not seem to find? What lies are you believing? What pain are you not letting go?
All the sin you are dealing with. The pain in your heart. The forgiveness you can not seem to find. It was already taken care of. Already conquered.
All we have to do, with every temptation, every uneasy feeling, every hurt feeling, is lay it at the cross and let Jesus say "It is finished".
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Please Pray
I try not to put to much personal issues in my blog. My blog is all about my journey with God and this morning it is going to be all about my journey with God to the very core of the issue....
Why??????????
Why make me stay with him if he was just going to do it again? Why am I not good enough of a person/women/wife that he "just doesn't love me"? Why does this keep having to happen?? Why does my heart keep getting broken like this? Why do YOU let it?????
I am through protecting him. I am through living my life to make sure that he is ok.
I am getting a divorce. Not by my choice you see. I spent sooo many hours in prayer over the situation and it all led me to the same answer. Stay, be his wife, obey ME.... So then he tell me he does not love me and wants a divorce... He says he is doing the right thing...
I am just soooo brokenhearted. Beyond words is how deep I hurt. Like a dull ache that wont go away and at times leads to a nauseous hopeless feeling.
I know that my Jesus will see me through this. I know that, because I will CHOOSE to obey HIM, I will be a stronger person because of it. I will place my hope in HIM and live for HIS glory.
But right now, at 5:00 in the morning, when the hurt is sooo fresh. When I can not figure out how to "let him go". When I have not idea how not to be a wife. When I have no idea how to rebuild from this... When the pain is so deep that I can not even begin to sift through for fear of not being able to pull myself together in time for Kole. I feel hopeless.
I am writing this blog because I need prayer. Only a very few people will read this but those of you who do, please pray for me. I need more of Jesus than ever before. I need HIS love, HIS comfort, HIS grace, HIS strength.... I know what I need to do, pray and read the word and surround myself with with people full of HIS love but right now just getting out of bed in an hour for Kole seems almost impossible.
Please Pray
Why??????????
Why make me stay with him if he was just going to do it again? Why am I not good enough of a person/women/wife that he "just doesn't love me"? Why does this keep having to happen?? Why does my heart keep getting broken like this? Why do YOU let it?????
I am through protecting him. I am through living my life to make sure that he is ok.
I am getting a divorce. Not by my choice you see. I spent sooo many hours in prayer over the situation and it all led me to the same answer. Stay, be his wife, obey ME.... So then he tell me he does not love me and wants a divorce... He says he is doing the right thing...
I am just soooo brokenhearted. Beyond words is how deep I hurt. Like a dull ache that wont go away and at times leads to a nauseous hopeless feeling.
I know that my Jesus will see me through this. I know that, because I will CHOOSE to obey HIM, I will be a stronger person because of it. I will place my hope in HIM and live for HIS glory.
But right now, at 5:00 in the morning, when the hurt is sooo fresh. When I can not figure out how to "let him go". When I have not idea how not to be a wife. When I have no idea how to rebuild from this... When the pain is so deep that I can not even begin to sift through for fear of not being able to pull myself together in time for Kole. I feel hopeless.
I am writing this blog because I need prayer. Only a very few people will read this but those of you who do, please pray for me. I need more of Jesus than ever before. I need HIS love, HIS comfort, HIS grace, HIS strength.... I know what I need to do, pray and read the word and surround myself with with people full of HIS love but right now just getting out of bed in an hour for Kole seems almost impossible.
Please Pray
Monday, May 30, 2011
Again I ask: Have You?
I have learned a lot the last two and half years of my life. About myself, about other people, and about God.
What I have learned about myself has not been fun. Its kind of like once I figure it out, I figure something else out that is worse or harder to confront.
What I have figured out about other people has been both good and bad. I have learned what true people of God look like. The love that radiates from them. The desire to bring God glory and lovingly correcting those in need with out judgement. To say the truth, even when it is hard to hear. But, I have also learned a lot about the "not so good side" of people. Those who are rude, think they know everything, only think of themselves part of people. I have seen what true repentance looks like, and what it does not.
What I have learned about God, though has not changed. I may have learned more on the same topic, or learned the same God just in a new light.
For example. I have learned a lot about love. At first it was just knowledge based. Love this, love that. Then I learned how far God's love for me stretches. Despite how I view myself. Despite how others view me. Despite how other treat me. Despite my own fears and failures. Despite how deep my sin goes into the core of who I am. His love for me has never and will never change. The only thing that needs to change is my response to it. Then it grew to application. God loved me, so I can love others. How do you do that when you have been hurt so deeply? How do you love the unlovable? How do you love those who do not want to be loved? I know I am on a journey to keep growing in this area. I do not have it all figured out but I am learning a little bit more everyday.
Another example is forgiveness. Ohh how I have learned on this subject. Again at first it was superficial. Then I felt what it was like for me. The deepest parts of me that no one saw but me and the Lord. Those parts I tried to hide from myself, from others and tried to with hold from the one who has always known. He already forgave them. On the cross... "It is finished" Those three words will be enough for eternity. Then we move to application. Each time, the cut is A LOT deeper. The forgiveness goes a bit further, encompasses more of who I am. The pieces of my heart get smaller. The get harder to find and put back together. Forgiveness takes one piece at a time. Each piece that is put back into place, is one less piece I chose to hold onto, which is one more piece of forgiveness.
The one thing that has not changed in ANY of these concepts, though each time gets a little harder, and each time gets a little deeper, each requires nothing of me, and everything of Him. The only thing I can do is lay it ALL at the cross. The rest is already done. "It is finished". I learn this every time, in different ways, through basically the same sin, by the hands/hearts of those I love.
To experience forgiveness, I had to be forgiven first. To give love, I had to be loved first. By my one True Love, by my Only Comforter, by my Lord & Savior. Again, I ask the question: Have you?
What I have learned about myself has not been fun. Its kind of like once I figure it out, I figure something else out that is worse or harder to confront.
What I have figured out about other people has been both good and bad. I have learned what true people of God look like. The love that radiates from them. The desire to bring God glory and lovingly correcting those in need with out judgement. To say the truth, even when it is hard to hear. But, I have also learned a lot about the "not so good side" of people. Those who are rude, think they know everything, only think of themselves part of people. I have seen what true repentance looks like, and what it does not.
What I have learned about God, though has not changed. I may have learned more on the same topic, or learned the same God just in a new light.
For example. I have learned a lot about love. At first it was just knowledge based. Love this, love that. Then I learned how far God's love for me stretches. Despite how I view myself. Despite how others view me. Despite how other treat me. Despite my own fears and failures. Despite how deep my sin goes into the core of who I am. His love for me has never and will never change. The only thing that needs to change is my response to it. Then it grew to application. God loved me, so I can love others. How do you do that when you have been hurt so deeply? How do you love the unlovable? How do you love those who do not want to be loved? I know I am on a journey to keep growing in this area. I do not have it all figured out but I am learning a little bit more everyday.
Another example is forgiveness. Ohh how I have learned on this subject. Again at first it was superficial. Then I felt what it was like for me. The deepest parts of me that no one saw but me and the Lord. Those parts I tried to hide from myself, from others and tried to with hold from the one who has always known. He already forgave them. On the cross... "It is finished" Those three words will be enough for eternity. Then we move to application. Each time, the cut is A LOT deeper. The forgiveness goes a bit further, encompasses more of who I am. The pieces of my heart get smaller. The get harder to find and put back together. Forgiveness takes one piece at a time. Each piece that is put back into place, is one less piece I chose to hold onto, which is one more piece of forgiveness.
The one thing that has not changed in ANY of these concepts, though each time gets a little harder, and each time gets a little deeper, each requires nothing of me, and everything of Him. The only thing I can do is lay it ALL at the cross. The rest is already done. "It is finished". I learn this every time, in different ways, through basically the same sin, by the hands/hearts of those I love.
To experience forgiveness, I had to be forgiven first. To give love, I had to be loved first. By my one True Love, by my Only Comforter, by my Lord & Savior. Again, I ask the question: Have you?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Everything
You know those times in life when you questions all that you know? All that you though you were, you now have no idea if it was all a reality or just your imagination. Was I really that person? How did I get there? What if I make the wrong choice? What is the wrong choice?
My heart aches tonight. Nothing new, I know. Maybe I am just allowing myself dwell in the pain. Maybe the magnitude has just hit me. What brings about the pain sometimes is soo small and stupid. But then again it just reminds me of other issues or times where I have been hurt.
First Peter is what I wrote about last time. Mainly chapter 3, but at least two other times, Peter wants us to rejoice and be prepared for suffering. Its going to happen. If it happened to Christ, the only one who did not deserve it, what makes us sinners think that while living in this fallen sinful world, we will not have to suffer and that life will be "easy". That overcoming the past and or own struggles with sin will be easy or a one-time deal.
So then, we know life is not easy. Especially mine... Especially yours.... Especially the person's sitting on the street corner holding a "will work for food" sign... Especially those who have been hit by the natural disasters lately.... How do we get through these tough times. 1 Thessalonians gives me an answer. I do not really like it but here it goes...
1 Thessalonians 5: 15-17
"See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
My first response is: "Great answer God! Leaves me with more questions.. What exactly is best for everyone? How is THIS the will of God?". But then maybe that is the intent because if we had all the answers, why would we need to pray with out ceasing? Isn't that what he wants anyways? Constant "communication" with us? Most with us just crying out to him and some with him guiding us through his words and urgings? Anyways... No answers, more questions and reassurance that God wants all of me.
More importantly, he wants all of you. He wants all of all of us. Not just for a day, or a week, or a few months. The words without ceasing is soooo important for this verse. It means that its not just when I need him. Or how we push him aside for our own two second self-gratifying action or mindless distraction from reality. He should be our reality. With all our souls, hearts, minds, and strength. With all that we are, we praise Him. Until the end of time, we are his. Our Father, best-friend, our lover He needs to be our everything.
My heart aches tonight. Nothing new, I know. Maybe I am just allowing myself dwell in the pain. Maybe the magnitude has just hit me. What brings about the pain sometimes is soo small and stupid. But then again it just reminds me of other issues or times where I have been hurt.
First Peter is what I wrote about last time. Mainly chapter 3, but at least two other times, Peter wants us to rejoice and be prepared for suffering. Its going to happen. If it happened to Christ, the only one who did not deserve it, what makes us sinners think that while living in this fallen sinful world, we will not have to suffer and that life will be "easy". That overcoming the past and or own struggles with sin will be easy or a one-time deal.
So then, we know life is not easy. Especially mine... Especially yours.... Especially the person's sitting on the street corner holding a "will work for food" sign... Especially those who have been hit by the natural disasters lately.... How do we get through these tough times. 1 Thessalonians gives me an answer. I do not really like it but here it goes...
1 Thessalonians 5: 15-17
"See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
My first response is: "Great answer God! Leaves me with more questions.. What exactly is best for everyone? How is THIS the will of God?". But then maybe that is the intent because if we had all the answers, why would we need to pray with out ceasing? Isn't that what he wants anyways? Constant "communication" with us? Most with us just crying out to him and some with him guiding us through his words and urgings? Anyways... No answers, more questions and reassurance that God wants all of me.
More importantly, he wants all of you. He wants all of all of us. Not just for a day, or a week, or a few months. The words without ceasing is soooo important for this verse. It means that its not just when I need him. Or how we push him aside for our own two second self-gratifying action or mindless distraction from reality. He should be our reality. With all our souls, hearts, minds, and strength. With all that we are, we praise Him. Until the end of time, we are his. Our Father, best-friend, our lover He needs to be our everything.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Its Funny
So I post this blog about how I am so confused and lost about all of these decisions I have to make. I am.
So I turn to the Bible to draw comfort and find an answer. I wanted a ya or nae tonight. I did not get that. What I did get was so much sweeter.
1 Peter 4:12-5:11; 2 Peter 3:14
I will not quote these. You can read them if you want but, WOW! God is good. Why did I think this is so completely crazy? I mean I have been here before so it can happen. God does not stop trials just because we ask. His glory will be revealed in me. I am not sure what that will look like but it will happen. I may not be persecuted, but I am suffering. And my heart is being judged. Am I going to rely on the Lord, or those around me who are sinners themselves? I value wise council and there are some people's advice that I am taking to heart and putting a lot of stock into, but in the end, they are not the Lord and my answer can only come from Him. So I will commit my soul to the Lord. I have many people willing to be my elders who I know are relying on the Lord for guidance. I will humble my heart. I will not be proud. I will make myself nothing and Him everything. I will cast my cares upon him because He cares for me. I will not give into the Devil. I will not believe there is something wrong with me because of one persons actions or another words. I have done that for far to long. He, the God of grace will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle me. And He WILL get all the Glory.
I will look forward to what GOD has waiting for me because then is when I will be blameless, no matter what decision I make.
Not the answer I wanted but its the one I needed at this moment.
So I turn to the Bible to draw comfort and find an answer. I wanted a ya or nae tonight. I did not get that. What I did get was so much sweeter.
1 Peter 4:12-5:11; 2 Peter 3:14
I will not quote these. You can read them if you want but, WOW! God is good. Why did I think this is so completely crazy? I mean I have been here before so it can happen. God does not stop trials just because we ask. His glory will be revealed in me. I am not sure what that will look like but it will happen. I may not be persecuted, but I am suffering. And my heart is being judged. Am I going to rely on the Lord, or those around me who are sinners themselves? I value wise council and there are some people's advice that I am taking to heart and putting a lot of stock into, but in the end, they are not the Lord and my answer can only come from Him. So I will commit my soul to the Lord. I have many people willing to be my elders who I know are relying on the Lord for guidance. I will humble my heart. I will not be proud. I will make myself nothing and Him everything. I will cast my cares upon him because He cares for me. I will not give into the Devil. I will not believe there is something wrong with me because of one persons actions or another words. I have done that for far to long. He, the God of grace will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle me. And He WILL get all the Glory.
I will look forward to what GOD has waiting for me because then is when I will be blameless, no matter what decision I make.
Not the answer I wanted but its the one I needed at this moment.
Ouch
Sometimes I wonder how many times a heart can be broken before it can be put back together. Then I wonder why me? The Bible says that we are never given any more than we can handle. I am pretty sure I am above my limit of handling.
I wish I could just have a HUGE neon sign that tells me what to do. Maybe this is my neon sign? I do not know. Some decisions are soo easy.
I am afraid of losing people. Other than Jesus, the one person I love the most I may lose. I will lose part of Kole. I will lose some friends.
I could have it all though. I am just so mad that he allowed this to happen. How many times did I pray that it would not. How many times did I ask?
Jesus please help because I am soo broken, alone and scared.
I wish I could just have a HUGE neon sign that tells me what to do. Maybe this is my neon sign? I do not know. Some decisions are soo easy.
I am afraid of losing people. Other than Jesus, the one person I love the most I may lose. I will lose part of Kole. I will lose some friends.
I could have it all though. I am just so mad that he allowed this to happen. How many times did I pray that it would not. How many times did I ask?
Jesus please help because I am soo broken, alone and scared.
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