Its been a long time since I blogged!!! I kind of miss it but then again I don't!
I was talking to someone about why I do not blog as much any more and it came to me! It is because when I did, I needed healing. I was hurt, upset, frustrated, and I needed a place to go to vent, be heard and to heal.
I am not in that same place any more! I still need healing, but not near as much. I still need prayer but not in the same way as before.
This week is a big week for me. This is the week that my divorce will be final. If you would have asked me over four years ago, I prob would not have seen this girl writing this blog in my future. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew who I was and who I was supposed to be. I thought I knew who I was marring and what our life would look like. Turns out I lied and was lied to in a MAJOR way! I lied when I said I knew what I was doing or that I was sure of my actions. I was lied to in countless ways, but those lies are for another blog another time! If you asked me then why I married, I would have said that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But now, bypassing the lies, I can tell you that I did love him, but that is not why I married him. It's one of those you knew a little to late and then you felt like you had not way out??? He will prob tell you the same thing.
But I can tell you this: I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING!!!! Well there is one thing I would change but that is not for public knowledge :D
I have had the hardest four years of my life. I was hardly happy, almost never healthy, BUT I am who I am today because of it. I learned soooo many things and I can not even get into all of it!!!! I learned how to love, forgive, respect. I learned how to make Jesus Lord and not another human being. After we split, I learned to love myself for me, and not what other saw or expected. I learned what I like and not to like what everyone else likes. I learned how to be ME! KRISTY!! Finally!! I am pushy, I am insecure, I love people, I love horses, I love to dance, I love to laugh, I love country music, I want what I want when I want it, I am loud, I am sarcastic, I am not afraid to make the first move in most situations. But most of all I am beautiful. I have scars, I have stretch marks, I could lose a few pounds, a few other issues that I know will cause some people to look the other way, but that does not matter. Not because some man sees me as so, but because I FEEL it. Not because a husband keeps promises, but because God never broke His.
If I went back and changed anything then I would be giving up the most precious gift I have ever been giving. I was able to give birth to the most amazing, most frustrating two year old known to man!!! I love everything about that kid, even when he decides to slap me across the face. I look at that child and I know that if I would go back, I would do everything the same because I know I have this relationship waiting for me and what we have been through has made it what it is.
My life is on a new path. It terrifies me! There is nothing I ever wanted more than I family of my own! But now, there is nothing that I want more than to be the me I was created to be. Be the mother that Kole needs me to be! What ever that looks like, whoever that includes, we will just have to wait and see! The most important part is that I am happy, I am healthy, and I am right where I need to be!!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My Season
Everybody goes through seasons in their lives. Yours is different than mine, mine is different than theirs....
If you were to label mine right now, it would be discovery. Discovering the me I am supposed be, the me that I have always been, and the God that I love.
Up till now, and even now, I have always tried to be perfect. Fit the molds that I thought everyone wanted me to fit in. A different mold for a different group. Saying all the right things, doing all the right things... Trying to be the perfect person, woman, friend, mother, daughter of God.
But alas, I failed. Miserably. All I am left with is insecurities. The fear of never being enough. Scratch that, the actuality of never being enough. As a child, I had to struggle with this issue. I am going through a divorce because I was never enough. My anxiety is high because I freak out if I say or do something wrong in-front of different groups of people. My condemnation for myself on high because I was never quite able to be perfect. I lost who I was in the middle of it all.
I am now discovering that girl that I was created to be. Not the perfect, everybody loves Kristy girl. But the insecure, impatient, loving serving girl that I have always been. I tend to jump the gun when I shouldn't but take too long when I shouldn't . I let lies and self-condemnation affect my entire mood and deplete my joy. But I will tell you I can love the socks off of the stranger or friend or family member. I am, though I fail miserable more than I would like, an awesome mom by the grace of God. If you ever need anything I am your servant. I am sarcastic and witty. I can make you laugh. But I can also drive you crazy with my questions and insecurities and trying to hard.
Through the good and the bad of all of me, my God has never changed. He loves the me he created. The ugliness and the beautiful. I have always been enough for Him and always will be. I do not have to be enough for any one else. He should be their everything. You know that part of you that wants more? That part that never is filled by friends, family, boys/girls, hobbies. That part that only He can fill. I do not need to be that and I do not need anybody or anything to be that for me. He already is. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to miserable. I do not have to settle.
Neither do you. No matter where you run, who you run to, what you run to. Jesus Christ is the only thing that will fill the void, the insecurities, the never enoughs, the imperfections. We search when all we have to do is ask. We force when all we have to do is let. We run when all we have to do is be still.
Once you ask, let and be still, amazing things will happen. You will find that One that will love you no matter what. The hard times will come, but trust me when I say they are only blessings in disguise. You may not recognize it at the time, or even see the benefit of it, but what waits after is always worth the hard times. Its a journey. Its up and its down. Its happy and its sad. It is scary but it will lead you to a deeper love with the One Person that will never leave or forsake you, that will always love you, and will always be enough. You may fall, you may not thing that you are "good-enough" for this kind of love. It may terrify you because of what you may have to give up all that you know. But in the face of the One Perfect love and a promise of life more fulfilling and everlasting, who can pass that up when all we have to do is ask, let and be still?
If you were to label mine right now, it would be discovery. Discovering the me I am supposed be, the me that I have always been, and the God that I love.
Up till now, and even now, I have always tried to be perfect. Fit the molds that I thought everyone wanted me to fit in. A different mold for a different group. Saying all the right things, doing all the right things... Trying to be the perfect person, woman, friend, mother, daughter of God.
But alas, I failed. Miserably. All I am left with is insecurities. The fear of never being enough. Scratch that, the actuality of never being enough. As a child, I had to struggle with this issue. I am going through a divorce because I was never enough. My anxiety is high because I freak out if I say or do something wrong in-front of different groups of people. My condemnation for myself on high because I was never quite able to be perfect. I lost who I was in the middle of it all.
I am now discovering that girl that I was created to be. Not the perfect, everybody loves Kristy girl. But the insecure, impatient, loving serving girl that I have always been. I tend to jump the gun when I shouldn't but take too long when I shouldn't . I let lies and self-condemnation affect my entire mood and deplete my joy. But I will tell you I can love the socks off of the stranger or friend or family member. I am, though I fail miserable more than I would like, an awesome mom by the grace of God. If you ever need anything I am your servant. I am sarcastic and witty. I can make you laugh. But I can also drive you crazy with my questions and insecurities and trying to hard.
Through the good and the bad of all of me, my God has never changed. He loves the me he created. The ugliness and the beautiful. I have always been enough for Him and always will be. I do not have to be enough for any one else. He should be their everything. You know that part of you that wants more? That part that never is filled by friends, family, boys/girls, hobbies. That part that only He can fill. I do not need to be that and I do not need anybody or anything to be that for me. He already is. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to miserable. I do not have to settle.
Neither do you. No matter where you run, who you run to, what you run to. Jesus Christ is the only thing that will fill the void, the insecurities, the never enoughs, the imperfections. We search when all we have to do is ask. We force when all we have to do is let. We run when all we have to do is be still.
Once you ask, let and be still, amazing things will happen. You will find that One that will love you no matter what. The hard times will come, but trust me when I say they are only blessings in disguise. You may not recognize it at the time, or even see the benefit of it, but what waits after is always worth the hard times. Its a journey. Its up and its down. Its happy and its sad. It is scary but it will lead you to a deeper love with the One Person that will never leave or forsake you, that will always love you, and will always be enough. You may fall, you may not thing that you are "good-enough" for this kind of love. It may terrify you because of what you may have to give up all that you know. But in the face of the One Perfect love and a promise of life more fulfilling and everlasting, who can pass that up when all we have to do is ask, let and be still?
Monday, July 18, 2011
Who I Really Am
On July 9th 2011, I got to watch my sister get married. It was a GREAT day and a beautiful wedding!
But not only was it those, it was a time of healing for me. And since that day a time of rediscovery!
I was surprised when I actually looked at my thought processes behind some of my actions and how I acted, at how much I changed to fit someone else's mold. For the first time in a long time I was myself. I had fun. I made a fool of myself and laughed about it. I was not worried about what others would think, I just enjoyed my time and the people I was with.
I tend to try to be perfect. I used to just agree with someone when they would say something. Think they were right because Iw as not smart enough to know. Think that I had to be perfect in order for them to like me. I could not sin or my God would be mad at me.
I realize, and this has been a long time coming, that I do not have to be perfect, but even more so I can be who I was created to be. I am not longer a doormat, people pleaser, the Kristy who I was "supposed to be".
I am so excited to see where this takes me. I grow more and more into the Kristy I was created to be rather than the Kristy I thought I had to me. For example, I have always loved the country. Everything about it. I had the time of my life when I was just sitting by the river with some friends. I had stopped letting that be apart of who I was when I thought that I was supposed to live in the city for one reason or another. I am no longer going to tell someone something just because they want to hear it. I am not going to let people abuse their position in my life. I am not going to agree with someone just because they are my friends. I am going to search and learn the truth rather than just taking someone's word for it.
There are some things that will never change though. I still love Jesus more than anything and strive everyday to learn more about Him. I still think that the most important aspect to life is to love as Jesus did. I will always strive to be the best mother that I can possibly be.
There is sooooo much more that I want to say but for now I will just leave it as I am excited to see where this road will take me :D
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What I Do Know
This has probably been one of the hardest, most revitalizing week of my life.
It started off with our meeting with the lawyer. Then it went downhill from there. A few major fights, some more lies told to me, some more nails nailed into a piece of wood. I want to post on here all that has gone on so that those reading this can know just how much I have been hurt this last week.
But all of the pain that I have felt this last week pales in comparison to the anguish God must be feeling watching what is going on. Not just with what Kane is doing, but when he looks at the way I behaved through it all.
I know what God's Word says, I know what He has told me, I what the Holy Spirit has shown me, but I still go against it and try to "fix" this my way. When I read His Word, He shows me the same things time and time again. Then I listen to sermons and not only does he confirm what I already knew, He also emphasizes His grace! And then He shows me through the most innocent of children what he wants me to do "Wait on Jesus mommy!" Those words came out of Kole's mouth today! We were eating lunch and out of the blue he said that!
I do not know what He has in store for me and my son, or even Kane, for the next season in our lives. But I do know that God is greater than any of our sins. I do know what I can do: Love God, Love others, strive to know him more, and give him all the glory in the mean time. I can do what I can to make sure that Kole knows the Truth and is protected from lies and confusion. And I can pray.
I will fail, but I will repent. I will feel pain, but I will not be depressed, I may be crushed, but I am not destroyed. I may be a sinner, but I am His child. I will obey His commands because I love Him. He will be my everything, He will be my all, He will comfort me and I will and am full of the Joy and Peace that only comes from Him
It started off with our meeting with the lawyer. Then it went downhill from there. A few major fights, some more lies told to me, some more nails nailed into a piece of wood. I want to post on here all that has gone on so that those reading this can know just how much I have been hurt this last week.
But all of the pain that I have felt this last week pales in comparison to the anguish God must be feeling watching what is going on. Not just with what Kane is doing, but when he looks at the way I behaved through it all.
I know what God's Word says, I know what He has told me, I what the Holy Spirit has shown me, but I still go against it and try to "fix" this my way. When I read His Word, He shows me the same things time and time again. Then I listen to sermons and not only does he confirm what I already knew, He also emphasizes His grace! And then He shows me through the most innocent of children what he wants me to do "Wait on Jesus mommy!" Those words came out of Kole's mouth today! We were eating lunch and out of the blue he said that!
I do not know what He has in store for me and my son, or even Kane, for the next season in our lives. But I do know that God is greater than any of our sins. I do know what I can do: Love God, Love others, strive to know him more, and give him all the glory in the mean time. I can do what I can to make sure that Kole knows the Truth and is protected from lies and confusion. And I can pray.
I will fail, but I will repent. I will feel pain, but I will not be depressed, I may be crushed, but I am not destroyed. I may be a sinner, but I am His child. I will obey His commands because I love Him. He will be my everything, He will be my all, He will comfort me and I will and am full of the Joy and Peace that only comes from Him
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Today is the Day
Today is the day. We have a meeting with the lawyer at 4:15 today. 12 hours away and I am sitting here sick to my stomach.
I do not want my marriage to end. For so many different reasons, and not all of the "holy" reasons. Some of them are pretty darn selfish.
I sense bitterness creeping in. A little bit at a time. Then I use it as an excuse to sin. Well who really cares anymore.... God does not care about me.... Would he really let my husband do this to me if he did?
Kane will tell you he does no love me. He never has and never will. We have never really been married....
Satan will tell you the same thing. He tries to tell me that. Pretty sure that is not the case. I was completely his wife for the past 4 years. Every part of me. I was not perfect, still am one of the biggest hypocrites ever. But that does not take away from the fact that I was always his wife, even when he was unfaithful.
But here we are. Some of my deepest desires are being ripped away from me by sin. And then I use that as an excuse to sin. My heart is as black as possible. Full of sin and bitterness and anger. I want to make the Lord happy, bring him glory, be his light, but I fail miserably. Obviously cause my marriage is failing and I look back and wonder what I could have done differently. What is wrong with me.... And then I look at the here and now and see that just as a child of God and not as a wife, I still chose myself over God every chance I can...
I pray for restoration, but I really doubt it is going to happen. I mean I doubt Kane and his willingness. Especially since he has a girl that he works with that he is talking to. Waiting in the background. Supposedly they are just friends, but from what I can tell they are not just friends. Ohh how i wish I could talk to her.... Ask her why?
I even doubt God's grace for me to give me the desires of my heart, and I just have an extreme lack of faith. I don't deserve to be given these desires when I fall so miserably.
And then there is poor Kole. If there is anything I want more in this world is that he will be protected from the sins of his mommy and daddy. He is such a precious little boy, he does not deserve this! To have a liar as a daddy or a hypocrite as a mother. Poor baby....My heart breaks for him...
I need God in a way that I have never needed him before but I can not seem to find him. Can't say that I blame him though. I do not really want to be around me in this condition either.
I have this blog as private. Please pray for me... I am hurting and feel like I am drowning... I do not know which way is up anymore.
I do not want my marriage to end. For so many different reasons, and not all of the "holy" reasons. Some of them are pretty darn selfish.
I sense bitterness creeping in. A little bit at a time. Then I use it as an excuse to sin. Well who really cares anymore.... God does not care about me.... Would he really let my husband do this to me if he did?
Kane will tell you he does no love me. He never has and never will. We have never really been married....
Satan will tell you the same thing. He tries to tell me that. Pretty sure that is not the case. I was completely his wife for the past 4 years. Every part of me. I was not perfect, still am one of the biggest hypocrites ever. But that does not take away from the fact that I was always his wife, even when he was unfaithful.
But here we are. Some of my deepest desires are being ripped away from me by sin. And then I use that as an excuse to sin. My heart is as black as possible. Full of sin and bitterness and anger. I want to make the Lord happy, bring him glory, be his light, but I fail miserably. Obviously cause my marriage is failing and I look back and wonder what I could have done differently. What is wrong with me.... And then I look at the here and now and see that just as a child of God and not as a wife, I still chose myself over God every chance I can...
I pray for restoration, but I really doubt it is going to happen. I mean I doubt Kane and his willingness. Especially since he has a girl that he works with that he is talking to. Waiting in the background. Supposedly they are just friends, but from what I can tell they are not just friends. Ohh how i wish I could talk to her.... Ask her why?
I even doubt God's grace for me to give me the desires of my heart, and I just have an extreme lack of faith. I don't deserve to be given these desires when I fall so miserably.
And then there is poor Kole. If there is anything I want more in this world is that he will be protected from the sins of his mommy and daddy. He is such a precious little boy, he does not deserve this! To have a liar as a daddy or a hypocrite as a mother. Poor baby....My heart breaks for him...
I need God in a way that I have never needed him before but I can not seem to find him. Can't say that I blame him though. I do not really want to be around me in this condition either.
I have this blog as private. Please pray for me... I am hurting and feel like I am drowning... I do not know which way is up anymore.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Letter #2
Kristy,
Be still. Know me. Rely on me.
I know your pain. I know your thoughts. I know your struggles. I know how worried you are about Kole. I know that as much as you try to let go, there is still a piece of you that has not. I know that you are scared of what I have in store.
I have not left you alone. I have not forsaken you. I have always and will always remain faithful to you. I have never and will never lie to you. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. You may not understand why I do things. You may not understand how I am working in this situation. You may not be able to see it yet, but I have glorious things planned. I love you way to much to give you less than the best. It may not look like you think it does. It may not be when or how you planned, but I am still at work. Know that these people who hold your heart and your worries tonight are my children. I have every hair on their head counted. Praying is your job, taking care of them beyond that is mine. You are blessed with Kole and being his mother, show him me and my love, everyone else, lay at my cross. They are my workmanship.
Let go and run to me. Let me show you what its like to be loved. Let me use you to show my love to others. I see your desires. Those one's you do not even want to think about for fear of them not coming to pass or them not honoring Me. Know that I am shaping your, carving you, making you completely mine. Pray to me all the time. I will show you my heart.
Look at all of the people I am using in your life right now. They are my blessings to you. They are amazing people and love you. Show them my love in return. Be filled so that you may fill. Focus on these blessings rather than the lies and what ifs. Know that I am greater. I will be there and you will get through this.
Come to me, find rest. Be loved and show love.
Be still. Know me. Rely on me.
I know your pain. I know your thoughts. I know your struggles. I know how worried you are about Kole. I know that as much as you try to let go, there is still a piece of you that has not. I know that you are scared of what I have in store.
I have not left you alone. I have not forsaken you. I have always and will always remain faithful to you. I have never and will never lie to you. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. You may not understand why I do things. You may not understand how I am working in this situation. You may not be able to see it yet, but I have glorious things planned. I love you way to much to give you less than the best. It may not look like you think it does. It may not be when or how you planned, but I am still at work. Know that these people who hold your heart and your worries tonight are my children. I have every hair on their head counted. Praying is your job, taking care of them beyond that is mine. You are blessed with Kole and being his mother, show him me and my love, everyone else, lay at my cross. They are my workmanship.
Let go and run to me. Let me show you what its like to be loved. Let me use you to show my love to others. I see your desires. Those one's you do not even want to think about for fear of them not coming to pass or them not honoring Me. Know that I am shaping your, carving you, making you completely mine. Pray to me all the time. I will show you my heart.
Look at all of the people I am using in your life right now. They are my blessings to you. They are amazing people and love you. Show them my love in return. Be filled so that you may fill. Focus on these blessings rather than the lies and what ifs. Know that I am greater. I will be there and you will get through this.
Come to me, find rest. Be loved and show love.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Letter From God
Kristy,
Now that you are listening, I have somethings I want to say to you. I love you. I created you just the way you are. I love to hear your prayers. I love to hear you sing my praises. I know you do not like your voice, but I still love to hear it. Your body that you struggle to love, I created and love every aspect of it.
I see your heart. I see that you want to bring me glory. But I also see how you want to control. Who am I? The maker of everything. Awesome God. Heavenly Father. Blessed Redeemer. I created this earth, and I know the hairs on your head. I see you crying in your room at night. I am there for you. I see you laughing and I laugh with you.
I see that you love me. But I see how you try to hide from me. I know what you try to hide. The sin you want no one to see. The hurt you try to hide. The pain you want to go away. I have already forgiven you. I have already taken care of your pain. I am always there for you. I am just a heartfelt prayer away from you.
You are mad. Mad at them. You have been hurt. But I love them. They are still my daughters and sons. I know their hearts and you can change them. They are my children. They are my beloved. They are my beautiful creation, my masterpiece. As much as you love Kane, I love him more. Even though you are hurt by other involved, I still love them.
You have a long road ahead of you. You can rely on my when you have no one else. I will always love you. I will always be faithful. I will be your comforter. I will be your husband. I will be your father. I will be your friend. Keep seeking me. Keep praying. Keep loving. Ready my word, study it. Look for me let me love for you. Let me forgive for you. Let me take your pain. I will guide your steps, just follow my light and the path I have laid before you.
Now that you are listening, I have somethings I want to say to you. I love you. I created you just the way you are. I love to hear your prayers. I love to hear you sing my praises. I know you do not like your voice, but I still love to hear it. Your body that you struggle to love, I created and love every aspect of it.
I see your heart. I see that you want to bring me glory. But I also see how you want to control. Who am I? The maker of everything. Awesome God. Heavenly Father. Blessed Redeemer. I created this earth, and I know the hairs on your head. I see you crying in your room at night. I am there for you. I see you laughing and I laugh with you.
I see that you love me. But I see how you try to hide from me. I know what you try to hide. The sin you want no one to see. The hurt you try to hide. The pain you want to go away. I have already forgiven you. I have already taken care of your pain. I am always there for you. I am just a heartfelt prayer away from you.
You are mad. Mad at them. You have been hurt. But I love them. They are still my daughters and sons. I know their hearts and you can change them. They are my children. They are my beloved. They are my beautiful creation, my masterpiece. As much as you love Kane, I love him more. Even though you are hurt by other involved, I still love them.
You have a long road ahead of you. You can rely on my when you have no one else. I will always love you. I will always be faithful. I will be your comforter. I will be your husband. I will be your father. I will be your friend. Keep seeking me. Keep praying. Keep loving. Ready my word, study it. Look for me let me love for you. Let me forgive for you. Let me take your pain. I will guide your steps, just follow my light and the path I have laid before you.
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