Head vs. Heart

There have been many times that I have tried to explain how my salvation came about.  It usually goes something like "Well I got saved in high school, but it wasn't real until the first time my ex and I split up."  I could never figure out how to explain it.  I mean what does "real" mean when I have claimed to already have salvation?  I finally heard a great way to explain this!

Tonight at Kole's basketball awards the pastor said something about "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" and a light bulb went off!  So here is my story!!

In high school I knew that there was a God.  I knew that if I did not "accept" Him I would not be able to spend eternity in Heaven.  I knew all the right things to say.  I knew all the phrases.  I knew right from wrong.  Good from bad, light from dark.  My head knew this.  I had a basic understanding of who God was supposed to be and what that was supposed to look like in someone's life.  

The second time my ex-husband cheated on me was when my heart finally knew.  My heart understood what if felt like to really cry out to Jesus.  Not only did I understand what it was to really cry out to Jesus but it also finally felt the comfort that can only come from Him.  When everything else is falling apart, my life plan was in shambles, I had no one to turn to,  my heart desperately and fully turned to Him.  I knew what it was to want to spend right now with Him, not just an eternity in Heaven.  I knew what it was like to really look at my sin and know how ugly it was.  But the understanding didn't just stop at the knowledge that my sin was ugly, I no longer was ok with it or accepting of it.  I hated it.  I wanted it out of my life.  I did not want to be that person anymore.  This may be confusing because in the world's eyes I did nothing wrong.  But when I looked at myself, I realized I would not want to be married to me either, not just marriage though, it was any sort of relationship.  I was selfish.  I was judgmental.  You see for so long my head knew what it was supposed to look like and I ignored what my thoughts were showing Jesus and focused on what my actions were showing the world.  In one "OH GOD" my heart changed.

I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he says that on Judgement day people will hear "Depart for me for I never knew you"  in Matthew 7:21-23.  At anytime before that night I would have said I had an understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus.  And for the most part I did. And I wanted to.  But it was just a "head" understanding.  But I am certain I would have been the one He told to depart.    It is kinda scary to think about how easily I had myself and everyone else fooled.  How many people are in the same exact boat?  How many people have a head knowledge but do not have  a heart knowledge.  I kind of always knew there was something not quite right with my faith before hand.  Kinda like something was missing.  Not all the dots were connected.  I kept trying to do more, be involved more, I thought that would bring me more Jesus and would fill the hole I kept finding.  But it was not the actions that got me there.  It was not the words that got me there.  It was a complete and total surrender that finally filled it for me.  

I have stumbled along the way.  I have fallen many times.  But the desire I have has not changed.  My desire, the deep down, always present no matter how minute desire I have had since that night has always remained the same.  I still desire to know Him intimately.  I still desire to go where He leads.  I still desire to be a Woman after His own Heart.  I do not want to be who I was yesterday.  I want to be who He has made me today, and who He is making me for tomorrow. 

What is this more?

I posted on Facebook a while ago about how I am meant for more.  But that is such a vague statement.  It can be misconstrued into so many different things.  What is this more that I speak of?  I am not saying that my current situation is anything to frown upon.  I have a great job, I have an amazing son, I have a house and food.  

However, there are things that I desperately want.  Things that I have prayed continually about so that I know where I need to be and what I need to do in order for those "things" to happen.  But, those two things that I want really only lead to one outcome.  

What I desperately want, more than the two things I desperately want, is more Jesus.  I want to be used.  I want to be involved.  I do not want to just be present, but be used.  The two things are just modes of being able to obtain the one thing.

The first of the two things is  a set schedule.  My switching weekends, shifts, schedules, days, nights, is not conducive to being used in the way that I feel like I should be involved in.  I want to be in a small group but I cant because of work and school.  I want to help in a ministry at church but I can't because I work that night/evening.  If I am not working I have Kole which is time that I am not willing to compromise.  I want to go on mission trips but planning one seems difficult because of time and Kole.  I would love to take him with me, I know he would love it!

The second of the two things is someone to grow in my faith with.  I am content with my friends and my current relationships but I have this deep seated desire for a spouse that will not go away no matter how much I try, or pray for it to go away.  I know that if a relationship I have is one that is God honoring and Jesus seeking will help me grow and show me an aspect of God that I do not get in any other relationship. 

My more is not more in the since that what I have is not good enough.  My more is not the more that says I am not content and full of joy where I am right now.  My more is only that I am meant to be used in ways that I can not be used in right now.  I am excited for my more and I want it to happen, like yesterday, but I am tying so hard to be content where I am at and wait on Him, so that I know my more is not my more, but His more. 

Dear Kole

A year ago your daddy texted me and told me that you had decided to follow Jesus and you prayed "the prayer".  That day was literally the best day of my life because now I know that, not only do I get to watch you grow and love Jesus in this life, but I get to worship Him with you for eternity and I do not think there could be any greater joy for a parent.

Your understanding of what it means to love Jesus amazes me everyday.  Every time we talk about being thankful, your first response is always Jesus, God, and the cross.  Every time you pray you acknowledge His love for you.  But most importantly, you know that everyone else needs to know about this love.  Like that Sunday when you wanted to "build a stand so that people could donate money so they would know about Jesus".  No one came to that but you did not stop there.  You begged me to go door to door so you could tell everyone about Jesus and God.

My prayer for you is that you never stop growing.  That this young boy who stands before me today, that can not wait to go tell our neighbors, manifests into a man who is not afraid to love the least of these and who shares the Gospel with anyone who will listen.   I pray that not, only the words you speak, but the life you live will be one that shows the Love that Jesus has for everyone.

I am so very proud of you bubba, and I am honored to be called your mom.  I love you mostest times infinity.

🎶 I Feel Pretty 🎶 Oh So Pretty 🎶

Most of the people reading this do not know me.  Yes we may be acquainted through some random place, activity, or happen-chances, but very few people really know me.  And those that do will know how important this blog is...

Today I feel pretty.  Notice the verbage.  It is not past tense,  it is not future tense, it means right now at this moment I feel pretty.  But even more importantly, it was not just this moment, or when I let my hair down,  it was all day.  But let's not stop there!! It was not just today,  it was yesterday as well.  It was the day before.  To be honest I do not even know exactly when it started but it did.  I think it was a gradual process.  Each day it was a little more present than the last.

But, it had absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance.  I have gained weight, my hair needs redone, most of the time my clothes are for comfort, and I look like a zombie... No.  This prettiness is not an external display, it is an internal state of mind.

I feel pretty because, rather than finding my beauty, worth, value, what have you, in how others view me, have re-found my identity in Christ (that part is for another blog another time).  This blog is not being written to remind myself of that fact as they often are.  It is an acknowledgment of the fact that I have been living that way for days and possibly even weeks and not even realizing that.

He already knows

In school we learned about therapeutic communication.  I learned how to listen to people, validate their feelings, blah blah, blah blah... I know that sometimes the best thing you can say to a person is "yea this really does suck".  Though I know that saying that is meaning that are two totally different things.  I can say that, while thinking to myself "really??? You are worried about THAT".  

I think I feel this way because my thought process is often circulating on one of two things.  First one being there are a lot worse situations.  And second, whatever you are going through is only temporary.  So I often discredit or devalue what that person is feeling even if they never know that I am doing it.  

But even if there are worse situations and even if it is only temporary, the pain, confusion, or whatever they may be feeling is still very real and very valid for whomever I may be talking to.  With that being said, I don't think some things are worth the worry but I do think everyone has a right to their emotions.  

I was reading in Hebrews 2 and it said something about how Jesus was lower than Angels for a bit so that he could taste death so that we didn't have to.  So first I want to address my first thought process.  Jesus suffered the worst fate possible to give us the Hope we have today.  Furthermore, He knows us intimately.  So whatever person I am silently berating for what I see as silly little concerns, Jesus is probably waiting for me to guide them towards Him so that He can comfort them.  

Secondly, even Jesus knew his suffering was only temporary. He knew that he would rise again in glory, but even with that knowledge he was distressed.  Distressed is not even the word to describe it. How do you describe what he was feeling when the Bible tells you he was sweating blood?  BLOOD. Not just perspiring, not just wetting the T-shirt under the arms kind of emotions, but literally sweating blood.  I do not think I have ever experienced any emotion that strong and I have had a lot of emotions.  So once again no matter how fleeting the situation is of the person who is wasting my valuable time is, it is still valuable time I could be spending telling them about Jesus's temporary 

situation for our eternal salvation.  

It is kind of like that song says "He knows".  He knows what suffering is and feels like.  He knows what I am suffering and feeling.  He knows what you have are and will be going through.  And more importantly He knows how to minister to each unique person.  Which is why I need to stop devaluing and start directing.  Directing to the One who knows, who loves, and who wants to be the Rock on which we stand.

Limitless Faith

Usually it is a song I hear at the right place at the right time.  But yesterday at work, it was the TV that caught my attention.  I have been wrestling with the idea of faith a lot lately.  Mainly it is the verse that talks about faith the size of a mustard seed.  What exactly does that look like?  And how does that look in my life?  The sentence I heard did not answer my question but it gave me some steps in the right direction.

The sentence is as follows:  The key to limitless faith is to eliminate the limits. 

I know it sounds so simple and self explanatory but just hearing those words helped me simplify my thinking.  I tend to over think things and make things waaayyyy to complicated.  In order to know what faith looks like in my life I need to obtain that.  And in order to obtain that I need to eliminate the things that are preventing it.  And, in order to eliminate those obstacles I need to first identify those obstacles.   So here they are...

My first obstacle is my desire to be loved/liked by everyone.  My last blog was about my greatest fear of being unloved and unlovable.  Though my desire to be loved is not wrong or off base, the idea that everyone could, should, and would is.  The Bible makes it clear that to be lovers of Christ is to make enemies of the world.  If my faith in who Christ is is so evident then my life and me as a person is going to make enemies.  So me living a life that will make me loved by everyone is inhibiting the growth of my faith.

My second obstacle is my desire to be in control.  If I truly lived by faith, I would have faith that His plan is greater than anything I could make for myself.  I had this idea of what I thought my life would be and that went down in a not so glorious blaze.  So then I spent my time coming up with other life plans.  Those so far are just figments of my imagination.  He loves me and knows my desires, but more importantly His plans will work for my good.

My third obstacle is that I don't ask for it.  When Jesus says in Mathew 7:7 "ask and you shall receive", He is not talking about asking for silly things like getting out of a speeding ticket, after all I prob deserved it :-/ (don't judge lol). He wants us to ask and search for thing that make us like Him or bring us closer to Him.   He wants me to place my faith in Him and the plans He has for me, if only I would ask for it.

I am sure that I will discover more limits as I continue this journey, but they won't be limits for long.

Unloved and Unlovable

You know that phrase Jesus says to one of the disciples "You of little faith,  why are you so afraid", I am pretty sure that phrase was spoken just for me.  I am not afraid of spiders or snakes or storms.  I might even be called an adrenaline junkie.  I am the one standing on the very edge of the cliff to get a better view.  I am the one that will go skydiving when I can afford it.  If I were in a horror movie I would probably be the first cast member to go because I would be the one walking towards the danger, not away.

My fear is a little more deep rooted and harder to pinpoint than most people.  I am not even sure how to explain my fears.  I think if I had an over encompassing idea of where my fear is seated it would be that my biggest fear is that I am unloved and unlovable.

I am unloved.  I have so many people in my life but my fear is that I am not "good enough" to mean something to them other than an occasional "hey there" or "hope you are doing well".  I am constantly worried that I have upset someone, that I am not very good at my job, that my son would rather be with his dad, the list goes on and on but it all boils down to my fear of not being significant enough for those whom I love to love me in return.  

I am unlovable.  So not only do those who are in my life not love me, there is no possible way they could love me.  I am not "good enough" to be loved.  I am afraid that I will loose my current relationships if I do something to upset them.  I am afraid that I will be alone or never have any more children.  

Just typing out those two paragraphs I know how unfounded those fears are.  One reason I know that is by the amount of people I know I have people rooting for me in my corner.  The other reason I know these fears to be off base is because of the focus of them.  If you pay attention to what I wrote about my focus is not where it should be.  I am putting a ton of faith in the people around me rather than faith the size of a mustard seed in my Heavenly Father.  My fear is in people rather than having my Hope in Christ.  My heart is set on shifting sand rather than the Rock of Salvation.

I want to have the faith that He asks of me.  I want my focus to be on Him.  I want to feel again, but I don't want to feel fear.  I want to feel that burning desire to know Him.  I do not want my fears and my lack of faith to keep me from being close to Him.  I am not sure how to get there but I know I want to be there! Any suggestions and prayers would be appreciated :)