'Tis the Season

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are thinking about life and where it is currently, where you think you want it to go, and how to get there?  My mind has been running circles, my heart has been praying continually about this possibility I have. With out going into to much detail, this will be a change for the way Kole and I currently function.  Maybe for the better, probably not for the worst.  But as I was thinking about it today a passage came to mind.  It is Ecclesiaste 3:1-8.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaves.
"a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I am not a huge fan of change.  It scares me.  I like to know what to expect.  I like to be in-control so that I can protect myself and Kole from the unknown.  I can prepare for what comes next, I can plan for the future.

I so focus on what I think we need for our well-being that I forget that God's plan for me is so much more secure than the plan I have made for us.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope for the future."

I love the way the Holy Spirit does that for me.  Tells me to stop and listen.  My season is going to change.  It may not be what I think it should look like and it may be exactly what I have been asking for.  But this change is not going to harm me unless I let it.  He says I will prosper.  He says I will have hope for the future.

But here is the thing.  In any season, not matter how this one changes for me, my hope is always in Christ so therefore I do have hope for my future.  And no matter how hard my season is, if I'm mourning, sick, so on and so forth, I will prosper because each and every season will bring me closer to Him.

Spoiler Alert

I am pretty sure I am the most spoiled person there is.  I am sitting here on my lunch break writing a blog.  I am starving.  I am tired.  I am stressed.  I have worked 4 12 hour shifts.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow after only 4 hours of sleep for 2 1/2 days.  And I don't really do anything but complain.

But let's put everything into perspective.  I am on my lunch.  Which means I am eating.  Not only am I eating but I have a full meal plus desert.  I am tired.  But the four hours I slept I slept in a very comfortable bed with a roof over my head, blankets, the option of warm clothes.  When I was not sleeping I was grocery shopping.  For food I did not really need but I thought would be nice to have over the weekend.  I am working 4 12 hour shits so I can afford a vacation to Disney Land and a beach on a plane and in a nice hotel.  Tomorrow I get to spend all day with the most amazing little boy I know doing what we love, yard work, soccer, and shopping.  Oh yea shopping.  I have enough money to spend on something that I need but not really.  I have a job that I love, family that supports me, a car to transport me.

And yet, all I do is complain.  I forget how much I have an focus on what I do not have.  I forget how much I have to loose and focus on how much I want to gain.  I forget how much God has blessed me with and focus on how much Satan is trying to take.  My joy, my peace, my patience.  All of that is stolen because I am to selfish to look past myself. 

I always say my biggest desire is to bring Him glory.  I always say that I want my life to show other's His love.  And that is honestly what my heart yearns to do.  But when I focus on myself and not on Him I am letting the enemy win this battle. Granted he already lost the war for me but he still revels in any chance he can to take the light off Jesus and put shadow over my heart. 

But I refuse to let this stay my normal.  This will no longer be my pattern.  When I start to loose sight of what matters I am going stop and refocus.  Focus on all that Jesus has done for me.  But not just for me but for the ones that I love and the ones that I don't know.  The reality is that I have Jesus and that is all that I need.  Everything else is just icing on a very delicious cake. 

Head vs. Heart

There have been many times that I have tried to explain how my salvation came about.  It usually goes something like "Well I got saved in high school, but it wasn't real until the first time my ex and I split up."  I could never figure out how to explain it.  I mean what does "real" mean when I have claimed to already have salvation?  I finally heard a great way to explain this!

Tonight at Kole's basketball awards the pastor said something about "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" and a light bulb went off!  So here is my story!!

In high school I knew that there was a God.  I knew that if I did not "accept" Him I would not be able to spend eternity in Heaven.  I knew all the right things to say.  I knew all the phrases.  I knew right from wrong.  Good from bad, light from dark.  My head knew this.  I had a basic understanding of who God was supposed to be and what that was supposed to look like in someone's life.  

The second time my ex-husband cheated on me was when my heart finally knew.  My heart understood what if felt like to really cry out to Jesus.  Not only did I understand what it was to really cry out to Jesus but it also finally felt the comfort that can only come from Him.  When everything else is falling apart, my life plan was in shambles, I had no one to turn to,  my heart desperately and fully turned to Him.  I knew what it was to want to spend right now with Him, not just an eternity in Heaven.  I knew what it was like to really look at my sin and know how ugly it was.  But the understanding didn't just stop at the knowledge that my sin was ugly, I no longer was ok with it or accepting of it.  I hated it.  I wanted it out of my life.  I did not want to be that person anymore.  This may be confusing because in the world's eyes I did nothing wrong.  But when I looked at myself, I realized I would not want to be married to me either, not just marriage though, it was any sort of relationship.  I was selfish.  I was judgmental.  You see for so long my head knew what it was supposed to look like and I ignored what my thoughts were showing Jesus and focused on what my actions were showing the world.  In one "OH GOD" my heart changed.

I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he says that on Judgement day people will hear "Depart for me for I never knew you"  in Matthew 7:21-23.  At anytime before that night I would have said I had an understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus.  And for the most part I did. And I wanted to.  But it was just a "head" understanding.  But I am certain I would have been the one He told to depart.    It is kinda scary to think about how easily I had myself and everyone else fooled.  How many people are in the same exact boat?  How many people have a head knowledge but do not have  a heart knowledge.  I kind of always knew there was something not quite right with my faith before hand.  Kinda like something was missing.  Not all the dots were connected.  I kept trying to do more, be involved more, I thought that would bring me more Jesus and would fill the hole I kept finding.  But it was not the actions that got me there.  It was not the words that got me there.  It was a complete and total surrender that finally filled it for me.  

I have stumbled along the way.  I have fallen many times.  But the desire I have has not changed.  My desire, the deep down, always present no matter how minute desire I have had since that night has always remained the same.  I still desire to know Him intimately.  I still desire to go where He leads.  I still desire to be a Woman after His own Heart.  I do not want to be who I was yesterday.  I want to be who He has made me today, and who He is making me for tomorrow. 

What is this more?

I posted on Facebook a while ago about how I am meant for more.  But that is such a vague statement.  It can be misconstrued into so many different things.  What is this more that I speak of?  I am not saying that my current situation is anything to frown upon.  I have a great job, I have an amazing son, I have a house and food.  

However, there are things that I desperately want.  Things that I have prayed continually about so that I know where I need to be and what I need to do in order for those "things" to happen.  But, those two things that I want really only lead to one outcome.  

What I desperately want, more than the two things I desperately want, is more Jesus.  I want to be used.  I want to be involved.  I do not want to just be present, but be used.  The two things are just modes of being able to obtain the one thing.

The first of the two things is  a set schedule.  My switching weekends, shifts, schedules, days, nights, is not conducive to being used in the way that I feel like I should be involved in.  I want to be in a small group but I cant because of work and school.  I want to help in a ministry at church but I can't because I work that night/evening.  If I am not working I have Kole which is time that I am not willing to compromise.  I want to go on mission trips but planning one seems difficult because of time and Kole.  I would love to take him with me, I know he would love it!

The second of the two things is someone to grow in my faith with.  I am content with my friends and my current relationships but I have this deep seated desire for a spouse that will not go away no matter how much I try, or pray for it to go away.  I know that if a relationship I have is one that is God honoring and Jesus seeking will help me grow and show me an aspect of God that I do not get in any other relationship. 

My more is not more in the since that what I have is not good enough.  My more is not the more that says I am not content and full of joy where I am right now.  My more is only that I am meant to be used in ways that I can not be used in right now.  I am excited for my more and I want it to happen, like yesterday, but I am tying so hard to be content where I am at and wait on Him, so that I know my more is not my more, but His more. 

Dear Kole

A year ago your daddy texted me and told me that you had decided to follow Jesus and you prayed "the prayer".  That day was literally the best day of my life because now I know that, not only do I get to watch you grow and love Jesus in this life, but I get to worship Him with you for eternity and I do not think there could be any greater joy for a parent.

Your understanding of what it means to love Jesus amazes me everyday.  Every time we talk about being thankful, your first response is always Jesus, God, and the cross.  Every time you pray you acknowledge His love for you.  But most importantly, you know that everyone else needs to know about this love.  Like that Sunday when you wanted to "build a stand so that people could donate money so they would know about Jesus".  No one came to that but you did not stop there.  You begged me to go door to door so you could tell everyone about Jesus and God.

My prayer for you is that you never stop growing.  That this young boy who stands before me today, that can not wait to go tell our neighbors, manifests into a man who is not afraid to love the least of these and who shares the Gospel with anyone who will listen.   I pray that not, only the words you speak, but the life you live will be one that shows the Love that Jesus has for everyone.

I am so very proud of you bubba, and I am honored to be called your mom.  I love you mostest times infinity.

🎶 I Feel Pretty 🎶 Oh So Pretty 🎶

Most of the people reading this do not know me.  Yes we may be acquainted through some random place, activity, or happen-chances, but very few people really know me.  And those that do will know how important this blog is...

Today I feel pretty.  Notice the verbage.  It is not past tense,  it is not future tense, it means right now at this moment I feel pretty.  But even more importantly, it was not just this moment, or when I let my hair down,  it was all day.  But let's not stop there!! It was not just today,  it was yesterday as well.  It was the day before.  To be honest I do not even know exactly when it started but it did.  I think it was a gradual process.  Each day it was a little more present than the last.

But, it had absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance.  I have gained weight, my hair needs redone, most of the time my clothes are for comfort, and I look like a zombie... No.  This prettiness is not an external display, it is an internal state of mind.

I feel pretty because, rather than finding my beauty, worth, value, what have you, in how others view me, have re-found my identity in Christ (that part is for another blog another time).  This blog is not being written to remind myself of that fact as they often are.  It is an acknowledgment of the fact that I have been living that way for days and possibly even weeks and not even realizing that.

He already knows

In school we learned about therapeutic communication.  I learned how to listen to people, validate their feelings, blah blah, blah blah... I know that sometimes the best thing you can say to a person is "yea this really does suck".  Though I know that saying that is meaning that are two totally different things.  I can say that, while thinking to myself "really??? You are worried about THAT".  

I think I feel this way because my thought process is often circulating on one of two things.  First one being there are a lot worse situations.  And second, whatever you are going through is only temporary.  So I often discredit or devalue what that person is feeling even if they never know that I am doing it.  

But even if there are worse situations and even if it is only temporary, the pain, confusion, or whatever they may be feeling is still very real and very valid for whomever I may be talking to.  With that being said, I don't think some things are worth the worry but I do think everyone has a right to their emotions.  

I was reading in Hebrews 2 and it said something about how Jesus was lower than Angels for a bit so that he could taste death so that we didn't have to.  So first I want to address my first thought process.  Jesus suffered the worst fate possible to give us the Hope we have today.  Furthermore, He knows us intimately.  So whatever person I am silently berating for what I see as silly little concerns, Jesus is probably waiting for me to guide them towards Him so that He can comfort them.  

Secondly, even Jesus knew his suffering was only temporary. He knew that he would rise again in glory, but even with that knowledge he was distressed.  Distressed is not even the word to describe it. How do you describe what he was feeling when the Bible tells you he was sweating blood?  BLOOD. Not just perspiring, not just wetting the T-shirt under the arms kind of emotions, but literally sweating blood.  I do not think I have ever experienced any emotion that strong and I have had a lot of emotions.  So once again no matter how fleeting the situation is of the person who is wasting my valuable time is, it is still valuable time I could be spending telling them about Jesus's temporary 

situation for our eternal salvation.  

It is kind of like that song says "He knows".  He knows what suffering is and feels like.  He knows what I am suffering and feeling.  He knows what you have are and will be going through.  And more importantly He knows how to minister to each unique person.  Which is why I need to stop devaluing and start directing.  Directing to the One who knows, who loves, and who wants to be the Rock on which we stand.