I should be sleeping

So its 1:!1 am and I should be sleeping.  I actually was almost asleep then my hubby came in and woke me up when he was going to bed.  So I laid there for an hour tossing and turning.  You see I have a huge week coming up.  Not only is tomorrow Easter and I want to be able to actually enjoy it, I have a three tests, a paper and a project due.  I have only studied for one test and have some of my paper done.  There is no way I can make it this week.

The more I think about how impossible this all is the angrier I get.  I do not want to spend time studying when it could be spent with Kane or Kole.  I do not want to go to school when I could stay at home with my baby.  I want to have more kids.  I want to stay home with them.  I want to have time to spend doing what my soul needs to do, not our pocketbook.  I need a day off, a day where I can spend doing what I need or want to do.  Seven days a week I am leaving Kane or Kole so I can go to class, study, work or pretend to worship God.

It makes me angry.  Angry that I have no time for the important things in life.  Maybe I do I just chose not to utilize my time wisely.  Maybe I don't and I need help somewhere along the way.  I have let go of so many desires that I believe are from Him because of fear.  I think they are from him because the closer I become to Him, the stronger those desires grow.  But I got afraid of those desires or let other people talk me out of them.    

It all boils down to today.  A very special day.  A day that I should be rejoicing.  My savior is risen.  He is alive.  I should celebrate the life I have through him because he is risen.  Instead I am dreading waking up.  i dread it because I know it will be after too few hours of sleep.  A day full of stuff to do and places to go.  No time to rest because I have to go go go.

How do you rest in the Lord?  It is my favorite passage but one that I have never really figured out how to do.  So I just go on being exhausted all the time.  Up early to bed late stressed the whole time between.  Sleep is even not restful now because of all the tossing and turning and thinking that I do instead.

I can't take any more.  I can not take any more stress, any more of hiding my desires or what I really want.  I can not take any more no time or no sleep.  I am done.  I have given up trying.

This is where He takes over.  This is where He overcomes my fears.  This is where I delight myself and Him and He will grant the desires of my heart.

Pretty Amazing

I sometimes wonder about the people behind the writings of the Bible.  Especially Mark, Matthew, Luke, John, and Paul.  I do not know why these 4 come to mind but they do.  Perhaps because they are talked about the most?  Maybe because those are the only four I know?  (I will never tell :p  )  But that is besides the point.  

My point is they are just people.  Just like you, just like me.  They were imperfect people with a huge anointing.  But why?  Were they better than you?  Greater than me?  

I was specifically thinking of when Paul said that he was the worst sinner.  I do not know the reference or the exact phrase, but that is the gist of what he said.  Kane told me that he wrote that in reference to all of the Christians he murdered.  Be that as that may, he still probably thought that about himself on a regular basis for sins other than murder?  Maybe?  As amazing as we perceive all of his "accomplishments", he was still human, still a sinner, still the least of these:  Just like you, just like me.

But what set them apart?  Was it their knowledge?  Maybe.  They were all prob pretty smart.  Was it their money.  Definitely not. They had none, they gave it all up to follow Christ.   So what was it?  I think that they had obedience.  Jesus called out to them each individually, in different ways, and they all dropped their worldly processions and followed Him.  The studied Him.  They talked to Him.  They responded to Him.  They tried to love the people that Jesus did (remember these are imperfect people).  They each had their own struggles, their own sin, but ultimately their heart was focused on Jesus and the plans He had.  

Lets be realistic though.  We are all not going to do everything these guys did.  Prob, I will never get anywhere near that many healings or church plants or be apart of so many people accepting salvation.  Some of will lead many to Christ, while some lead none.  Some will miraculously heal, while others can't even put a bandaid on right.  He may want one person to be a mother and a house wife.  He may call one person to lead a church of 10,000.  

But that does not make any one any less than the other!  All can be equally as glorifying to Him.

What makes us great in His eyes (even though we already are, different blog, different time) is when we obey him.  Obey his command to love.  Obey his desire for us to be close to him by reading His word, praying, and responding to Him.  

Its pretty amazing what the Lord can do when we finally stop and listen to His heart.  It is pretty amazing how much more beautiful we become when we fall more deeply in love with Him.  It is pretty amazing how great people can be when they make themselves nothing and Him everything. 

Relational

In January K-love encouraged their listeners to pick a word.  A word that would represent what we wanted to focus on this year.  I chose the word relational.  I wanted to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ and I wanted to have more meaningful friendships and family relationships.

I have failed miserably.  First of all, my friendships that I wanted to deepen are going the opposite directions.  I hardly talk to some of them.  Some of the girls I wanted to be friends with I am to afraid to get to close to because I am afraid of what they will think of me.  I am afraid that they will think that the decisions I make wont be understood.  That I will some how make them mad.  That I am not "cool enough" to fit in.  I let myself shut down because of stress.  I find a way to make myself think that they really do not care.  I get so tired that I have not energy to invest in meaningful conversation, or even polite conversation.

Some of my relationships are still pretty good.  But I fee like I am not doing my part.  I continually look for the bad in the situation.  What is going wrong, what could do wrong, what am I not doing right.  I let my self-esteem issues get in the way of my relationships.  People make stupid mistakes.  But I have the choice to let that affect me as a person.  Do I let it bring me down, or do I let it bring me closer to the Lord?

I have very little time.  I am so stressed.  With this limited time, I chose to neglect the one relationship that I should rely on the most.  I spend little time reading the word.  I spend little time praying.  I have little faith.

This is about to change.  No more of this, knowing what to do but not doing it.  No more of this living life in fear.  No more of just trying to get by.  I am going to live my life to please the Lord and no one else.  I am going to become more relational, first with my savior and then those whom he has brought into my life.

Pray for me because this will not be easy.

Are You?

I hate this feeling.  I get it every so often and I absolutely wish I would stop getting it.  It is so emotionally draining.  And physically too!  I felt fine this morning when I woke up.  Then this feeling hits... I see a couple things and all of the sudden my stomach hurts, I get all tense.  It is so frustrating.

I hate sin.  I hate what it does to me, I hate what it does to the who ever is sinning.  I know we are to expect it.  I mean everyone is going to sin right?  I am an imperfect creature, I am bound to screw up?  When you know that someone struggles with something, you know that you are going to battle with it, right?

Sometimes I wonder?  Really?  There are some sins that are just completely choice.  You sit there and say before you do it "I probably should not do this but oh heck what is this one time?"  Or you justify it.  This is not that bad, no one will know... Or we take advantage of Grace.  We know we are going to be forgiven so we do it anyways with no thought to the ramifications.  Oh but wait there won't be any because no one will find out... There you go, an open door.  An open door for "one more time"

The Bible states that we are new creations in Christ.  When we accept salvation we are to leave the old life behind.  But how many of us actually do that?  How many of us live everyday to leave our old selves behind?  Who has really really repented and overcame.  Many of us like to think we have, but then we keep breaking God's heart with the same dang thing.  What is so attractive of our old selves that we have to hold on to it?  I mean we were ugly hurtful, deceitful, disgusting creatures.  The only thing awesome about us is Christ.  The only thing worth holding on to is Christ.  The only thing in you worth praise or gratification is the Holy Spirit.  Why do you keep letting your ugly self shine through and leave the pure beauty waiting, hidden by sin?

I am sick and tired of sin,  I am going to do something about it.  I am going to lay it at the foot of the cross.  I am going to confess it to Jesus my Lord who already paid the price for it.  Then I am going to make the choice to pray when I know that I am about to sin.  I am going to make the choice to read my Bible so I know more about the only thing worth holding on to.  I am going to make the choice to flee when the temptation is to great.

Are you?

Where to start?

I try to stay away from this topic.  In all of my blogging I do not think I have talked about it once.  I may have written about aspects of it, but never have I given advice on the actual topic.  I am not expert.  I have been through a lot it in, and have come a far way in it.  But, by no means am I any expert or do I feel qualified to give advice on marriage.

But I have had this urge, itch, burn, whatever you want to call it to write this.  I actually prayed that if the Lord helped me fall asleep soon I would write it.  Five minuets later I was dreaming... Silly I know, but I had my answer.  So here I am.  Giving advice on a topic that I fail so miserably at every day.

I have written many blogs.  But I love to read other blogs so much more.  And I have ready a few on marriage.  A few have talked about how to change your marriage or make it more "Godly".  Some talk about how it is the mans responsibility to love their wives as the church first.  Men are supposed to take that first step.  Others have discussed how it is the women's responsibility to respect first.  Then the men will follow in their relationship with Christ.  Both are biblical, one found in Ephesians and one found in Philippins (I believe... I did not do all my research but it is found in that "area" of the bible :))

We each have our own responsibility in our marriages and they do have to start somewhere.  If your man is not loving you the way he should, we as wives still have the responsibility to respect our husbands.  Husbands, even if your wives do not respect you they way they should, you still have a responsibility to love your wives as Christ loves the church.

But, what if there was a different starting place?  A starting place on based on imperfect humans, but based on something or someone perfect?  What if we all started with Christ?  What if the real starting point was there and everything else followed?  We are to love because Christ loved first.  So I wonder if maybe we should start there.  Start with Christs' love for us and then work on the rest.  What if we love Christ first.

Then what?  We bask in Christ's love but what comes after that?  Well I think we have to respond to that love.  Respond in prayer, respond in spending more time in the word.  After we are filled with Him, I think it is then we will be more able to fulfill our roles as spouses.

I do not want any one to misunderstand me.  I know that life happens and we are sinners.  I know that the best laid plans will fall short.  I know that there is no one way to make a marriage work.  But there is one Person who can make a marriage work and work in a way that makes it AWESOME.  Since a marriage is supposed to a model of Chrit's love for us I really do think it was meant to be something pretty special.  But again, it is a union between two sinners so it can not be all that it was intended for.  But I do think that the more time each individual spends starting with Christ first, the stronger more amazing, more special any marriage can be.

So maybe try a diff starting point in your marriage.  Do not start with yourself, or expect your spouse to make the first move.  Focus on Christ then let him lead you in the rest of it.  Good luck :)

Are you willing?

I wonder if anyone else finds it interesting that I have a test to study for and all of the sudden I have the urge to write a blog?

Procrastination?  Probably.

Avoidance? Defiantly!!

You see just four weeks ago I bombed a test in this class.  If I do not maintain a certain test grade from here on out, I will be out of the program... :(  I should probably be studying...

But I have had something on my heart lately.

I am not sure how many of you know about bipolar.  I actually just learned about it in this class that I am probably going to fail :(.  But what I did learn, and how it applies to some people I know, astounds me.

Did you know that it is highly unlikely for a person to be diagnosed with bipolar?  In fact, only about 3.9% of people will be diagnosed with bipolar, with most of those cases starting at age 18 & up.  It is even more unlikely for a teen to be diagnosed.  EVEN MORE UNLIKELY FOR A 10 YEAR OLD TO BE DIAGNOSED.    I know a woman who was diagnosed and two of her children.  One just 14 when diagnosed and the other just 10!

What does this tell you?

Well it hints at a strong genetic tie, but it also tells me that this family needs Jesus.  Not that bipolar is not a legitimate diagnosis, but that there is a strong genetic AND environmental impact on this illness.  People who are continually in a stressful environment are more likely to develop bipolar.  Please do not misunderstand me, being a Christian does NOT remove all stress.  But it adds a hope that was not there before.  It adds a Helper that we were not aware of before.  If you read the verse at the top of this blog it will give you a good example of what Christians have that those who do not know Christ can not obtain... YET.

I want those who read this blog to leave with two things.

1)  I have been complaining a lot lately about how hard my life is.  I am sure most of us have times like this.  We think that we are given a really tough load.  Through it all we lose sight of the Hope we have in Christ and the Guy who took our burdens from us.  We have eternity with a joy that can not be surpassed, a hope that is never ending, and a love that is beyond fulfilling.   What is a couple weeks of misery when we have that to look forward to?  I know so many people who are going through so much more and take it like a champ while oblivious to the Hell that waits after.  If only they knew what TRUE hope is.  If only they knew what REAL joy is.  If only we are able to get over our own temporary hardships to show them what Christ has waiting for them.

2)  Notice the YET?  These people that I know with this disorder have hurt us beyond what we think we can handle.  But what if our forgiveness is the one thing that will show them Christ's love?  What if that person you see screwing up everyday just needs some one to show them who Christ is?  We are not the judge of people.  We have no power over that person's eternity.  We have no right to sit here and say that that person does not deserve a relationship with me because they sinned to much.  It only took ONE sin to send Jesus to the Cross.  Who are you to say that some one's one sin is worse than your many sins?  Who am I to say I can not forgive a person when Jesus forgave all?  Who are we other than God's workmanship sent here to do His good work?

We have this gift.  A gift of Hope, Joy and Love that only grows the more it is shared.  Jesus said behold I stand that the door and knock.  Probably most of you answered that door.  Now it is our job to step out or our opened door and be the hands of feet of Jesus.  Who knows, maybe your voice, action, and/or forgiveness will be the sound of Jesus' knocking on someone else's' door...

Are you willing to find out?

Caring

Blogs can be so therapeutic.  They can help with processing everything and help with healing.  But the times that you need to write one but do not really want the whole world knowing your personal crap can be quite tricky.  Because, if you think about it, there are very few people who actually care.  I mean fully care like Christ does.  It is kind of interesting to see the dynamic in caring as well.  In nursing school we learn about caring in the first semester.  We learn about how its the one thing that it takes to make a good nurse.  You can know everything there is to know about nursing but if you don't care you are not going to get good patient outcomes.  

Often caring is so skewed.  We either care in the good times or we care in the bad times or we don't care at all.  You know those people who are always there for you when life is great.  They have fun laughing with you, but when times get tough they pull away.  Or those people who are there for you in really really hard times but you never hear from them again until something really really bad happens again.  Or those people who are there all the time but never really engaged with anything about you.  It is all about them and never about anyone else.

It takes a really special person to care through everything.  A person who is there for the highs and the lows.  A person who truly cares about everything going on in your life.  It takes Jesus Christ.  You can care in your own strength, but that caring soon becomes skewed.  If it is not skewed, it does not take long until that person becomes bitter and cold and burned-out.  Only a life that is given over to be filled with Christ every day can say that they are truly caring for those around them.

Most people who read this will just read it.  They will not care about what is written or the person writing it.  They will only care about what is going to happen after they finish reading these worthless words.  But if you do care the way Christ does you will show it.  Show that you care by putting others before yourself.  Show that you care by laughing with a friend or crying with a stranger.  Show that you care by telling everyone you can about Jesus Christ and the way he cares for them.