Let Me Tell You About a Day

Let me tell you about a day.

For most this day started out just like many other days.  They woke up, ate breakfast, went to work, came home fixed dinner and went to bed.  Some were going to school.  Some were staying home with their children.  Some were probably skipping work,  or on vacation.

For a few, their work was at a hospital.  More specifically Children's Mercy in Kansas City.  More specifically nurses, RTs, doctors, CNAs working in the pediatric ICU fighting for a little boy in heart failure.

For that little boy's family, it started by waiting for news.  News that we were hoping would change the course of fate.  News that would give us hope that what we feared would happen would in-fact not happen.  I think we all knew what the answer was going to be but we were not ready to give up hope.

For me I was at work, distracted but trying to do my job.  For my sister and her husband. they were sitting at his bedside, soaking in every single second they had with him.  Realizing that every second is precious and not wanting to waste any minuet piece of those few seconds they had left. 

This day is Friday October 23rd, 2015.  This is the day that Brillyn Joseph James Adams Werts went to heaven to be with his Heavenly Father.

This day was one of the worst days of many peoples lives.  But this day was not just about loosing B.   Let me explain...

This was the day I knew I needed my husband even when we were just friends.  I had been friends with TJ for years.  We had spent countless hours talking about life, faith, friends, significant others, you name it, we talked about it.  If anyone had asked me, I would have said he was one of my best friends  That night, after everything died down, we said our goodbyes, went to the hotels, prayed with my baby who had just experienced the greatest loss he has known his short life, and got him to sleep I needed to talk to someone.  The only person I wanted to talk to was TJ.  It was late, probably 1 or 2 in the morning and I called him.  I never expected an answer but he did and we talked.  More importantly I talked, he listened .  I cried, he consoled.  This is the day that I knew I needed my husband even when we were just friends.

This is the day that I saw what true family looks like.  When I got the news I was at work.  I was in a meeting and my mom called me.  She couldn't talk so she hands the phone to my dad who said, you need to come.  I asked him to help or to say goodbye.  He said "to say goodbye".  I lost it.  I found myself in the hallway crying, bawling, with my coworkers surrounding me, crying with me.  I cried so hard that I farted ( I thought they all needed some comedic relief at that point) and everyone laughed with me, not at me.  Then we cried some more.  That type of support and love only comes from Jesus, and all those women love Jesus and helped me feel Him when I needed him most.    When we got to the hospital I saw an even greater family coming together.  That room was packed.  full of people who loved that boy and his family more than words can describe.  What stands out to me the most is not that the room was packed, but there were probably 40 people in that room and only 5, yes only 5, were actually blood related to this precious little boy. All the rest were adopted grandparents, siblings, cousins and friends who became family, nurses and RTs who fought for B's life and saved it on more than one occasion.  That room was full of sadness, there was not a dry eye in that room.  But it was full of something more, something so tangible, no one could leave the room with out feeling it.  It was full of love.  Love for B and his family and love from B to everyone there and even those who could not be there.  It was full of pure love that only comes from the love the Father has for His children.  This is the day that I saw what true family looks like.

This is the day that I saw what the selfless love of a mother and a father looks like.  Brillyn has always been a fighter.  From the day he was born he had to be.  But he was not alone in that fight.  He had his family and more importantly his mother fighting with him.  Then Cody came and he now had his mom and dad in his corner.    Ashley is the reason I did not want to do pediatric nursing.  I love my sister but she can be scary, especially when it came to taking care of Brillyn.  She expected the best and when she did not get the best, she let everyone and their dog know it.  She knew a good nurse when she saw one and got rid of nurses who were less than excellent.  (Not got rid of like I will never see them again got rid of but like a do not ever come in this room again got rid of).  Brillyn had the best care and the best doctors for his condition.  When the time came to make a tough decision, Ashley and Cody fought with themselves.  There was one more thing they could try and hail-mary if you will.  The doctors said It would require 4 months before they could try it  and even then there was no guarantee  that it would work.  Ashly could choose this hail-mary or chose to let him go.  I do not know about you but I could never imagine making that choice.  I know she and Cody fought within themselves to make the right decision:  To keep Brillyn here with us, cooped up in a hospital room with no guarantee of never getting out, or let him go be with Jesus.  In the end Brillyn let them know what he wanted.  Brillyn was never the type to sit still.  He was always going, always playing, always causing trouble.  Brillyn loved being outside no matter what time of year it was and hated bed time.  One of thses options was the exact opposite of who Brillyn was.  So putting aside  their desire to spend as much time with their little boy as possible, they chose to let Brillyn go be with Jesus.  This is the day that I saw what the selfless love of a mother and a father looks like.

This is a day that while being very sad for everyone involved, also showed the love of Christ in every moment.  He touched so many lives with this little boys short, but full life.  He allowed everyone who came in contact with B know what true joy looks likes.  He used his parents to show what love acts like.  Choosing to give up their desire to have their son around so that there would be no more suffering is the perfect example of what Christ did for us.  He showed people that family is not and doesn't have to be just who we have similar DNA with.  Family is whomever He brings into our lives to strengthen, encourage, love, and  support us through our trials and our victories.  He can be our everything, he is our Father, our Friend, our Love, but it takes many different people in our lives in many different facets to help us realize the full extent of His love for us.

Let me tell you about a day.

This day is Friday October 23rd, 2015.  This is the day that Brillyn Joseph James Adams Werts went to heaven to be with his Heavenly Father.  This is the day we said " See you later" to B and he said "Ill be watching you" to us. 

The Great Physician

Yesterday my child decided to get bit by a dog.  I have no idea what happened because he was at his dad's  at the time but he ended up needing 8 stitches.  He was hysterical.  We tried to do topical numbing medication but he wouldn't hold still so the doctor decided to do conscious sedation.  While he was stitching he was talking about the scars that would be left behind.  He will have 2 possibly 3 on his lip and 1 under his chin.  The doctor said that as the scars heal they will fade but also as he grows they will look smaller because they will stay the same size but he will not.

Last night I started thinking about that explication and all the scars I have.  My body has some scars from surgeries and injuries but my heart has so many more.  So then I was wondering if my emotional scars are the same as my physical ones.  Did they heal the same way?

Any time we get hurt we have three choices.  First, you can choose to do nothing about it.  We could have just acknowledged the fact that Kole got bit and leave it at that, let it heal on its own.  The end result would be a lip that did not heal properly.  Pieces of tissue barely hanging there, not able to eat right because of the gaping split in his lip, and infection because of all the exposed tissue on the lip where bacteria would love to call home.  Eventually it would scar over but it would take a very long time and would be more likely to be re-injured because there is not a lot of protection there.

The other situation would include him getting hurt, us getting it stitched back up but he would not grow any more than he already is.  The scar would be there and be just as big in 10 years as it is today.  It healed well, no infection because it was protected by stitches and medication, but it would always take up just as much space on his face as it already does.  Or, we could get it stitched, take great care of it and as he grows the scar will stay the same size but it will take up less and less space.

So what if I apply that same idea to my emotional scars.  The way I see it I have 3 choices when life decides to hand me my own scars.  Choice number one:  Do nothing.  These wounds will heal and scar over but in a way that would only bring me more pain and hurt.  I can allow the pain that has been done to make me bitter, angry, hard-hearted.  That would make for one sad existence.   Choice 2:  Allow healing to take place but that is the extent I allow Him to do.  I do not grow, or learn, or change.  I just mend, i just survive.  I can look like I have it all together, happy and healthy, but it is all superficial.  Underneath there is not much more than that scar that still harbors a large part of my heart.  Choice 3:  I can grow.  Every trial we go through, every hurt we experience gives us the opportunity to become closer to Christ.  Each scar we earn has a purpose and will take time to heal, but if we turn it over the Christ and allow him to heal us then the scar will become less as He becomes more.  It will always be there but in a way that can serve as a reminder of all that He has done for us and all He can do for others.

I have been hurt so many times I have lost count, some of it from my own doing, most of it from others making choices that affect me.  Some experiences hurt more than others but they all left their mark on me.  They have all shaped me into who I am today.  I can't say that every time I faced heartache I turned to Christ.  More than once I have turned from Him, tired to take care of it on my own, and I usually ended up worse off than before.  True healing can only come from Christ.  He will bring a type of healing that gives us hope for the future, not despair for the past.  Through every trial He is there to comfort us, to encourage us, to love us and to grow us.  It may be in the form of a friend or through His word or through His church, but he is always there, being the strength we need, giving us the hope we crave.  I have known so many great doctors over the last few years but none of them compare to Him.  He is the only one who can heal my heart.  He is the only one that can save my soul.  He is the only one that can take this ugly scars and make them a beautiful reminder of the Love he has for his patients.  He is the only Great Physician.

I Think I Can Live With That

Last night Courtney and I were watching The Patriot.  There was this one guy that was completly evil.  He murdered two kids and many innocent people.  But, no matter how hard people tried, they just could not stop him.  I have seen the movie so I knew how it ended, but I couldn't help but wish that it was him getting hurt or killed instead of all the other innocent people. 

To some people, that makes me seem heartless and not very loving at all, but I think most people would be lying to themsleves and others if they said their initial thought process was not along the same lines.  But that got me thinking, just as much that vial man deserved to die, so do I.  I may not be going around killing everyone in sight, or molesting children, stealing from the poor, what have you.  But, I do lie, worry, stray from what I know to be truth.  I often make decisions I will regret later and more times than not, I disregard this temple that He gave me for my short time here. 

Rabbit Trail Alert:  I understand that are views on either side of the argument, either all sin is the same and it doesnt matter what it was, or there are sins that are worse than others and will not be judged the same.  To be honest I do not know where I stand.  I think it hard to feel that all sin is equal in most everyone's thought process.  I mean, I can forgive my neighbor for lying to me a lot easier than iw ould be able to forgive them if they came over and held a gun to my sons head to steal all of our belongings (I do not have a neighbor who would do that!)  The point of this blog is not to debate which idea is correct.

My point is that all sin, no matter how small or how evil, will sepearte us from our Father.  He is perfect, and can not be in the presence of those who have sinned.  Which really sucks because I am going to fail, literally everyday. I am going to screw up, stumble, fall.  There is no way I can be perfect.  I have tried.  I find myself falling into this thought process that if only I could stop sinning then my life would fall into place. I would have enough money, find someone to marry, have another baby, all of my desires would come to pass because my behavior was perfect so it would make God grant all of my desires. 

But the Truth of the matter is, we deserve death, but we are granted life.  Life because Jesus, the pure and spotless lamb, died in our place.  We will all experience physical death, but some of us are living in a spirtual death while they are still alive.  The type of life where there is no hope for tomorrw, there is no peace, joy, love.  The type of life where  everything seems like its fine, but there is no real purpose. 

I deserved the death on the ccross, but Jesus took it for me.  I have done nothing that is really frowned upon, but I sitll sinned and still can not be in the presences of all that goodness and glory.  But, the second I chose to turn my life over to Christ, I was alive.  I have hope for the future, it may not be what I envisioned, it may never include a signifcant other and more children, but it will include an eternity with my Father and my Saviour.  I think I can live with that.

In All Things

One thing that we learned in nursing school that has and should stick in every nurses  mind is prioritizing.  What is the most important thing to do first, then second, and so on?   Always planning ahead and always basing these priorities on who is the sickest.  Take for example a code blue, when a patients heart stops beating.  What do you do first? To be fair you are probably doing multiple things at once, calling for help, assessing for breathing, heart beat, responsiveness, what have you.  But, you are not always in a situation where  you can do more than one thing at a time, you can't go see two patients at one time, so you learn to figure out which ones you need to see first.  

It is a skill that I never knew I needed until I learned it.  I remember getting so stressed because I had so much to do and I didn't even know where to start.  Now, I find myself planning before I even realize I am doing it.  Or I start to categorize everyone's situations and deciding who needs more prayer, or whose situation is more important than mine so I do not go into this "poor poor pitiful me" stage, which is what my last blog kinda did.  I was hurting but I realized that "it could be worse".  

I do think this is an invaluable skill and is necessary for everyone.  It puts life into perceptive.  It is so easy for us to get sucked into ourselves, that we forget that there are others around us who is hurting and struggling as well.  It may not be as great of a struggle, or it may be one that you would not wish upon your worst enemy, but we all have them.  And if you say you don't, you are lying to yourself.  Please do not misunderstand me, there is always going to be those times where you can not look past your situation because it is just so extraordinarily heavy and consuming that you literally can not focus on anything but that.  Perfect example is Brillyn.  If anyone expects Ashley and Cody to be able to take their attention off their immediate family  and focus on your broken toe (just an example), they seriously need to do some soul searching.  

I was thinking about all of this today.  I have so many friends/family who are going through a lot that I find it hard for me to focus on my needs/desires/plans/what have you because I feel guilty when I think about how tired I am knowing that Ashley and Cody probably have not slept more than a couple hours at a time, or I picture Brillyn laying in the hospital bed fighting for his life.

But I think that is what makes my God so amazing.  He does not have to prioritize because He is able to take all of our concerns and address them with the same love and power.  He can handle them, and he can hear them, and though he may not answer the prayers we think he should he will answer them.  He can listen to my neighbors prayer about his broken toe (I do not have a neighbor with a broken toe) and give him peace, while he is listening and comforting the hundreds of people who are constantly praying for B at the same time.  He does not choose one situation, or one person over the other.  He loves us all the same and while we have to focus and prioritize our attention on situations for our own well being, He is everywhere and in all things.  It kinda blows my mind when I think about the fact that He loves me just as much he loved Mary, the mother of Jesus, or someone who prays all the time and has their life figured out.  Just chew on that for a bit :)

Jesus

On Tuesday, I planned my whole day around my son meeting his sister.  On Thursday, I watched my son hold his little sister with such awe and love that it was tangible.  The only thing is, I did not give him this little sister, his dad did.

Nothing solidifies my failure more than watching my son get everything I ever wanted to give him through someone else.  You know, a home with brother and sister and mom and dad all under the same roof.   My failure as woman, as a mom, as a human being, all because I do not have a family for my son.  A "family" at our home, you know a mother and a dad every time he is here, and a sister and a brother. No one wants a not so skinny, single mom with baggage.  I have no prospects, no ability to provide any of that "family" for my son.

But then, last night I watched my sister have dinner with all of her family.  The pretense was to celebrate her and Cody's birthday.  But the real reason that everyone was there to tell Brillyn "see you later".  Next week, Ashley and Cody will place the life of their son in the hands of some very capable hands.  But, as they fake a smile, force a laugh, put on a strong face for everyone else, I know the real struggle is something that most people will never imagine.  Anyone who is a
mother, father,  aunt/uncle, friend of kids, who has half a heart can feel their anxiety, but it isn't even half of what they are going through.

As I am driving home that night, I am listening to a song.  I am not paying attention but I hear one line.  I hear nothing before and I hear nothing after.  But that one line says it all.

It goes:  "There is power in the name of Jesus".

There you have it folks.  There is power in the name of Jesus.  We all have our own struggles, concerns, fears, failures, but there is an amazing power when we call on Jesus.  I could never imagine putting the life of my child into someone else hand and have no guarantee of the outcome.  She will watch those doctors take him back to the operating room, but they will have no guarantee of the end result.  But, there is one guarantee, no matter the outcome.  Jesus is real.  He can give us hope no matter the situation.  His Father watched Him leave His protection, come to earth, only to be crucified on a cross.  He knew the outcome.  He knows her struggle.  He put his life in their hands.  But that sacrifice was not in vein.  It is so that we can spend eternity with Him.  Brillyn, no matter the outcome will be with either loving parents and family, or with an even greater Heavenly Father when this is all said and done.  The only question is will you be there as well?  Have you called on the name of Jesus?

We can do it now.  I would ask for a family, a husband, a baby, and a happy and healthy Kole.  Or, even though I know that His will is perfect, I will beg that it is to leave Brillyn with us for as long as possible.  He gives everyone around him a light and an joy that you don't get to experience very often.  He is so strong and courageous.  And, he is sooooo stubborn that there is no way this child will not surprise everyone, including the doctors.  This boy has fought for something that we all take for granted every day.  He has fought for his life since day one.  He will continue to fight until we are all very old and decrepit.  But, he can only do that through the Power of Jesus.  So please Lord, give him your strength so he can show us your Hope.

You can do it now.  Just say JESUS, I want to know you.   There you have, it is that simple.

The Cycle Is Broken

If you saw me on Sunday you might have noticed a tear stained face and blood shot eyes.  You see, it was father's day.  I am not a huge fan of father's day and/or mother's day.  My family never made a big deal about either "holiday".  We would do dinner for the woman and for grandpa but it was never a huge sappy day that we would go out of our way to celebrate.   When I became a mom, I got so excited because I was finally a mom and could celebrate it for real.  But my newborn son did not realize that you were supposed to let mom sleep in.  And, well, father's day was never a priority.  And this year I did not think it would affect me at all.  Just another day.  But I guess that is why I cried.  I had prepared myself for just another day and sermon that would be encouraging and not so close to home.  

The cliff-notes of the sermon was  this:  A father's actions affect his kids, wether we believe it or not, statistics show it.  Children of single parent homes are more likely to do drugs, commit suicide, be in unhealthy relationships, have depression, so on and so forth.  Ok, well not the best cliff-note version, I do not think you would pass a test with that, but that is all I needed to hear.  I had no control of my dad walking out on us for as long as he did, or the man that was my step-dad for as long as he was.  I had many father figures in my life and I still do and today I am blessed with some very caring men in my life who do not have to try to protect me but the still do.  But I was one of those statistics of a single parent home or step-family homes.  Mine was a little more complicated than that but its not relevant any more.  Because I am an adult and I thought I could chose what path I chose for myself and my son who does not like to sleep.

Ha!  I hope you all laughed at that sentence because it is very humorous.  The fact of the matter is no matter how much I tried to prevent it and tired to be perfect, my son is now one of those statistics.  He is now living 3/4's of his time in a single parent home. I thought that I could control that and never let him be one of those and now he is.  That is heartbreaking.  He is now more likely to be depressed, turn to drugs and ETOH.    All because I could not control the choices his dad made.  And, at my house, on a regular basis there is not a God-fearing, caring man around.  Please do not misread that.... By "on a regular basis" I mean consistently every night a man at my house showing him how to be a man.  How to love, how to treat people, how to be responsible.  We have a lot of men in our lives that love us and do whatever they can for us but its not an everyday occurance.  I can not change that.  I refuse to just allow whom ever into our lives and show my son what not to do.  And it seems all the good ones are taken or are not interested in us....

So here I am.  Crying on a Sunday because I have failed my son.  I have made him a statistic.

But then he said it.  "You can break the cycle."  At first I was thinking to myself that I can not break the cycle.  I am the reason I am a single mom.  I am the reason he does not have a God-fearing father figure at my house.  I have no control over the fact that I am still single.  There is no way I can fix this because I am alone and will be alone for the foreseeable future.

And then I hear it.  A gentle rebuke.  A subtle yet powerful reminder.

"You do no have to break the cycle because I already broke it for you"

I have to think about it for a second.   How did you already break it when it is still a very real truth in our lives.  So I started looking from the outside in.

First of all, I like to believe that his father, no matter how much we do not get along or how much he annoys me ;), really has changed.  But even if he has not, and will always repeat the same cycles, my child knows Jesus.  He has accepted him and knows Him personally.  He will stumble and he will fall, an he may make some very stupid and horrible decisions, but there is no doubt that my child knows and loves Jesus personally.

Second of all, my son may not have a father figure at my house.  But that is because when my son's mother felt the nudging of the Lord that what ever relationship was not right for us, that relationship was ended soon after.  I may have used other reasons but, I can honestly say every time I ended a relationship started with a very quiet thought that it was not God honoring.  Most people will look at that statement and think that I am just blowing smoke.  But that still small voice was always in the back of my mind and things just started going down hill after that once I finally listened.  So, Kole does not have a Godly role model every night he is at my house.  BUT there is not a man living with us that does not know Jesus either.

I was crying because I can not protect my son.  Then, I was crying because I can not protect my son, but He already has.  There is a verse about how perfect love casts out fear.  My fear is based on my love for my son.  But there is a love that is greater than the one I have for him and it is perfect and protective.  If I can have faith in the perfect love and let it continue to protect Kole, then I know the cycle is broken.  I know that my son is not a statistic any more but rather the exception.  That perfect love that was given to me and shown to me through His word and His works has now been given to my son and that is the only thing that could have and will every break the cycle for my son.

Inspired

Kole and I went to watch Tomorrowland this afternoon.  Disney movies don't always seem to have any Biblical principle to them but they could have some good life applications if you are paying attention.  I am not good with movie quotes but there was this one scene where the gist of the idea was that humans, in general, are given imperative information and we hold onto it, we do nothing to with it.  We hold it in and either wallow in it or bask in it, but we rarely do anything outside of ourselves and/or beneficial with that information.  

They used the examples obesity or global warming.  I, for one, can identify with this statement.  I am a nurse and I still struggle with eating the right kinds and amounts of food or exercising regularly.  I have been warned and I have seen the effect of obesity first hand.  Many of my pts have their "Chronic Diseases" because of obesity. Yet, you can still find me sneaking that cheese burger swearing that my life change will start tomorrow, or eating those fries swearing this is the last time I get them for lunch.  I have a wealth of information and experience screaming at me about what these foods and these non-active lifestyles will do to my quality of life as I age, yet I do nothing with it.  So while I am thinking about all the things in my life that I complain about but nothing about, I started thinking about a few other ideas, concepts, truths that I have but I keep to myself.  

Ok, so now it is your turn.  Think of something that is inspiring to you.  Something that was once shared with you or you happened upon it and it touched you in some way.  Your initial reaction more than likely was to tell someone.  To tell about what it was that touched you and why it touched you.  But, as time goes on, the excitement dulls, the need to tell people lessens, and soon its a memory.  No longer is it what you live and breath, but an idea that every-now-and-then presents itself in how you live or who you are.  What once was awe inspiring has no become mundane.  What used to be the essence of who you are has become a small portion of everyday life.  

At this point, the line in a movie was no longer a good life lesson, but a convicting message from the Holy Spirit.  When was the last time I was excited about Who should be the very essence of who I am?  When was the last time that I was so excited about what He was doing in my life that I just had to go share it with someone? I always thought the one thing I never wanted to do was to feel sad.  I have experienced enough sadness to last a life time.  I have cried enough tears to make a river named after me.  But, after this movie and after church today, I realized that there are worse things than feeling broken and sad, and that is to feel nothing.  Which is where my heart is a good portion of the time.  I do not get angry, I do not get sad, I do not get excited, I do not get happy.  I feel nothing.  I have no desire to change anything because I have no hope that anything will change.  I do not want to tell anyone my story because it is not important.  I do not want to make new friends or date any more because my life is a huge platter or nothing.  The impact I have on those around me is nothing.  I have trained my mind and my heart to think that feeling, saying, doing, and meaning nothings is better than feeling, saying, doing, and meaning anything at the risk of those may lead to sadness or hurt.  There are probably only a handful of people who can evoke any emotions out of me and only a couple of those people are the ones that bring out positive aspects of who I am.  

But as I contemplate my current state of mind I can't help but be inspired by it.  Let me explain that a little more.  I am inspired because there is truth and is there is hope.  The truth and the hope I have is not found in me, what I do, what I say, what I feel.  The only truth I have is that Jesus Christ died for my sins and the only hope I have is that He making me new.  And there is a lot to make new in me.  I often wonder how to make the changes I need to so that I can be healthy.  I tend to identify all the problems in my life and think that there is no solution.  But I have the answer, the solution, the way.  These answers and fixes that I am constantly trying to figure out and find start at the Cross and continue through the Gospels and spread to my heart.  The answer has always been and will always be God the Father, Jesus my Savior, and the Holy Spirit. 

I was desperate and had nothing left to hold onto, and at my weakest moment I was given a gift.  It is a gift that is ok to regift.  Its not like at Christmas where we frown upon someone giving way the gift we gave them.  It was never ours to keep in the first place.  We were given this gift so that we can go and give it to others.  We are inspired by this gift.  What it does in us and for us and to us.  We start by wanting to go and share the good news with all who will listen.  But, it soon becomes an afterthought as our daily lives take over.  At least for me, I get tired so I chose to sleep rather than spend time in the Word.  My conversations with God soon become one word pleas in a rushed day.  No relationship can last when it gets put on the back burner, and no matter how much we know and can feel the Holy Spirit, this relationship is even harder to keep burning with a bright flame because of the intangible nature of it.   But, there is nothing more heart-filling and joy-giving than an nurtured and cultivated relationship with our Father and Savior.  There is nothing more inspiring than the stories and testimonies that come out of this dependancies.  And there is nothing more deserving of sharing than these Divinely Inspired testimonies.  So let's get inspired and go spread the flame :)

My Problem

I am not a fan of cleaning.  I usually do the mare minimum to make the house look presentable and then call it good.  Usually that entails me shoving what I can in whatever space is open and forget about it later.  Just recently I had to organize my house because I had a friend move in and so I went through all of my hiding places and I was extremely surprise how much junk I had and how messy my house actually was.  On the surface things looked great and spic and span, by on the inside my house was just a bunch of junk crammed into already filled spaces.

That is how we are in life sometimes too.  We have this image that we show everyone, this mirage of what we are supposed to look like and hardly every do people see the realy you.  The real struggles, the real reason behind what you are saying or doing.  Take me for example.  Most days, if I am walking in church or in work I do not make eye contact.  I do not usually start conversations.  And I come off as being a total "B". But, if I let you see what was really going on in my hear and my heart it would go a little more like this:  I walk by these people who I would really like to talk to or get to know but I know that I am good enough, funny enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough for whom ever it is that I may encounter that day.  Let me rephrase the beginning part of that... I think I am not good enough. 

I am pretty open about my insecurities but there are other aspects of my life that very few people know about.  Deeper struggles and desires that I can not get rid of even though I wish I could.  But on the outside no one would could know this.  I do such a good job at wearing a mask that sometimes even I start to believe the facade.  

I have a ton more examples I can think of.  That youth pastor on the outside who is a sex addict on the inside, that health nut on the outside but a food addict on the inside, the got it together stay at home mom on the outside, but the depressed alone and angry woman on the inside, the rich business man on the outside but the drowning in debt and addiction lost soul on the inside. Or even the strong independent single mom who does not need any help on the outside but the scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl on the inside.

What you get on the outside is hardly every what is going on inside of people.  We take all of our junk that we do not want people to see and hide it deep down in the closets of our heart that should already be filled by the Holy Spirit.  We tend to think that people would never love us or even like us if they really knew what was going on.  Or we are so wrapped up in our own sin and/or selfishness to know what our heart really wants.  I do not know how many times I have heard justification for a behavior and if you really look deep at what the real issue you, hardly ever do the coincide.  

We think that if we have this perfect little mask up for everyone to see then we will have an easier life or better standing with people around us or even Christ.  But that is so far from the truth.  From my own experience the more that I try to keep this mask up and the more that I pretend that I am ok, the lonelier and more secluded I become.  The more that I pretend everything is ok and that I have it all figured out the further away from my Savior I become because I stop relying on Him and continue to rely on this mask that all of you see.  

I often put up these premisses so that I will not look bad to those around me but really it does not matter what those people think.  Even those closest to me.  If I look amazing and sparkly on the outside but am a total disaster on the inside I am not making my Father happy.  There are numerous times in the Bible, the Word of God, that show me that.  I do not want to have it all figured out because then I will stop relying on the one that really matters!  I am still not sure how I should change this. But I guess the first step is always identifying the problem.  So my problem in once condensed statement:  Hi I am Kristy, I am a scared, lonely, helpless tired single mom who likes to pretend to be a strong independent woman so that people who not matter will think better of me and the God who loves me more than anything can't change the fact that I am a scared, lonely, helpless, tired girl.  

I Will Celebrate

Today is my day.  It is a day to celebrate motherhood and everything that goes along with it.  The drastic change of my body after carring an infant that was twice my weight when I was born, the sleepless nights that followed, the inevitable golden shower, the temper tantrums, the exhaustion.  But let's not forget the first smile, the first laugh, the first mamma, the first and countless I love you's, the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles, the conversations about Jesus.  This is prob the most challenging and most rewarding role I have ever had to play.

I knew when I found out I was pregnant that this was not going to be easy.  I knew that I would love this person with all my heart.  As soon as I found out we were going to be bringing a child into this broken world a fierce and overprotective demeanor took over.  I knew I would do anything to protect him.

What I didn't know was that my dream of a perfect, well adjusted family was only and illusion and my reality of motherhood would be one that I had vowed to prevent in any way I could.  I would get a glimpse of  this reality when I was 8 months pregnant. This is the time I fist contemplated having to do this partially on my own.  My illusion and reality started blending when Kole was a year old and I had asked his dad to move out.  I thought we had worked things out until Kole was two and my illusion can tumbling down.

I became a single mom. I really do not think that phrase fits me.  Our marriage may not have worked. I may complain about something's but I have never been totally on my own with Kole.  His dad still sees him three nights a week.  He will support me and stick up for me like the time that Kole told me he wished I would die (not that he knew what he was saying), but his dad had a very long and difficult conversation with him.  His dad is the one that prayed with him when he accepted Jesus.  So I am not a single mom in every since of the word.  But when I have Kole, I am on my own.  I love and dicipline.  I plan, pay for, and protect him as a single mom when he is at my house.

I often find fault in myself when it comes to parenting.  I get angry with him frequently.  I yell too often.  We do not eat organic, healthy, or homemade meals very often.  I like to sleep a little to much and leave him to his own devices more than not.  I do not play with Legos every time he asks.  He still does not know how to tie his shoes.  He can be rather pesky to other people and I often worry if he is annoying them.  I have brought men into his life who were not Godly examples of what a man should be.  I have failed him many many times.

BUT!  I apologize every time I am angry and short for no reason.  My son is not with out food, clothes, toys, food, shelter when he is with me.  I sleep to much because I work long crazy hours at work that drain me of what energy I do have.  It is not going to kill him to play by himself and could even help build his imagination.  He does annoy people, but he is 6 and I don't know any 6 year old that does not annoy someone.  When men do come into his life who are not good for us, they don't stay long.  I fail him every day.  But I also love him every day.  Show him grace every day.  Show him how to overcome mistakes.  I pray for him every day.  My failures pale in comparison to the small and meaningful times that we laugh, play, smile, hug, cuddle, talked about Jesus.

I am not a bad mom.  I am not a perfect mom.  But I am a mom who depends upon Jesus everyday she wakes up.  I am a mom that shows Kole the love of Jesus on a daily basis.  I am a mom who has refused to settle and let circumstances get her down.  My child is loved, loves Jesus, loves others, and is well cared for.  So I will celebrate this day as his mom.  Not just this day but every day, because no one else gets the privilege of being his mother.  I will celebrate that I get to show and teach Jesus's love to this child who is brimming with excitement to share it.  I will celebrate because even though I am a single mom, I am never alone.  I have a perfect Parent guiding and showing me how to be the mother that Kole needs.

Churchin' it up..

Acts

I love to read.  Usually I read books that have no value, just a good way to get my mind off of the mess of my life.  Sometimes I will read books that will teach me something.  Very rarely do I read the Bible.  I have vowed to change that.  In one of my counseling appointments a goal that I set for myself was to include more of the Written Word in my blog.  I have included a verse here and a verse there.  Part of the reason that this has never been a priority, is that I am no scholar.  I usually second guess everything I think I understand when I read the Bible.  So this blog is a huge step in faith for me.  Like massive.  Because I have been reading the book of Acts.  I started here because it is one that I have never read.  I usually skip over if for the "Go Eat Pop Corn"  books.  In my small mind those books have more life applications than a book about how the church started.  I have only read 7 books, and I have had my mind racing with all sorts of ideas that I did not get when I read my Pop Corn books (not that there is anything wrong with those)

So once again I am no scholar.  I am just a girl.  I am just a girl trying to find her place in this church.  And these thoughts I have about this book may seem trivial to those who have studied this book many times.  I am not a theologian.  I have no formal education on how to write about what I read.  I am probably the last person who should be writing this blog.  But I can not deny the excitement about what "trivial" things I have read.  And if you know me, you know when I get excited about something I like to write about it :)

So here you go! (in no specific order).

1)  Two times in the first 7 chapters it talks about the Holy Spirit coming onto a group of people.  In both of those instances, the earth shook.  Now I do not know about you, but I do not remember the ground shaking when I fully accepted Christ.  Sure, My ground was shaken, but not the actual earth.  Can you imagine the power behind that?  Maybe it was because it was the first few times that it happened, the earth was just not prepared for it, or maybe it was because the multitude of people that were receiving the Holy Spirit all at the same time.  I know there are times where we can say that we "feel" the Holy Spirit's presence.  But that is usually subjective: emotions, feelings, or reactions that we have.  Not a documented earthquake!  It also makes me wonder if where there are people who are being persecuted where there is a very tangible and noticeable move of the Holy Spirit.  We, in our very easy non-threatening existence here in the US, have not really been in a situation where as a community we had a major, multitude, life altering revival.  Yes we have revival but nothing like in those first years of our faith.

2)  The husband and wife who lied about their offering to the church.  This was not an easy part for me to read.  I did not like to read this and actually comprehend what was being said.  As someone once told me, just because I do not like the idea of what is being said in the Word, does not mean that it is still not truth.  So once I wrapped my head around the fact that I did not like what I was reading but it still had application, I was pretty amazed by this little idea.  So what happened was these two lied about what they were offering, they tried to hide some of their belongings from the church.
             A:  I loved the discernment shown here.  He knew they were lying, because the Holy Spirit was showing him that.  That tells me that if we are truly seeking to know Him and do His bidding, we can tell lies from truth (kinda goes back to all those times my ex's lied to me and I knew it.)  Or in an even bigger scheme of things false teachings.  If you are truly seeking to know Him and seek His word, you will know the truth!!
            B:  Even after Christ came and died and we changed from law to grace the wages of sin is still death.  That is the hard part.  These two both sinned.  Nat a major sin. Just a lie right?  It was not like they killed anyone, or committed adultery.  They did give MOST  of their belongings to their church.  So hiding this little bit was not going to harm anyone.  First of all, I do not think it was an requirement to give everything you have the church.  Maybe it was an expectation, but I did not see where it was required.  So even if the did not give anything and were still honest about it I do not think the outcome would have been the same.  BUT, they lied.  And they died.  Kinda crazy.  It is easy to speculate on this.  Maybe they both had some heart condition and when they realized their folly they were so torn with guilt their heart stopped, or maybe out of fear they both had massive heart attacks?  But that is not what was written.  What was written was that they lied and they died.  So, first of all I do not think you are going to die if you tell a lie.  I do not think that if you sin you will loose the Grace and Salvation of Jesus.  But, I do think the church needed to know that even after Christ rose again and "death was defeated" the "wages of sin is still death".  That did not change.  That will never change.  We are still separated by the our Heavenly Father because of our sin and that, in and of itself, is the worst death possible.  But what has changed with the resurrection of Christ is how we atone for that sin.  We do not nor can we do anything to take away our sin because He did it on the cross.

3) One of the first documented miracles after Christ's ascension into heave was on a man well known to those who frequented the temple.  This to me is a no brainer but also kinda awesome.  Everyone who was anyone went to the temple.  At some point they had to see this man.  And it states that he went every day.  Now, that is dedication!  But it is also setting up this miracle perfectly.  His deformity and disability was visible to all who saw him.  There was no denying he could not walk.  The "higher-ups" could not deny it.  Nor could they lie about it because everyone knew.  So when he walked because someone said "In the Name of Jesus" they could not deny that he did indeed walk when he once could not.  Now they did try to deny the power by which he did walk but anyone who saw and heard this man "leap and praise" would have a hard time denying where that power came from.  I believe that is why this man was chosen to be one of the first "after Jesus miracles" to be documented.  Because #1 the circumstances led to little doubt of the actual source of it and #2 because while Peter and John were proclaiming the name of Jesus in leu of this miracle it was the first time the apostles where actually arrested for their proclamations.

4) During of the meetings the apostles prayed for boldness to proclaim Jesus.  And it was granted.  Not only was it granted but once again the earth was shaken!  They did not pray for protection.  They did not pray for food because they have no income.  They did not pray for their families.  They did not pray for their kids.  They did not pray in any way for themselves or for their own comfort.  They prayed for boldness to proclaim The Good News.  How often do we find ourselves trapped in this winey "God please give me this or give me that."  I am constantly praying for something that I want. A husband, a job, financial security.  But what if I changed my prayer from furthering my own comfort to furthering His Kingdom?  I do not think I would get as many unanswered prayers as I do now!

Trivial I know.  But kinda awesome ;)

Pursued

I was having a conversation with this really good friend of mine about boys...  You see we are both kind of in the same boat.  She wants a family but she refuses to "make the first move".  Me, I want a family but I am a little gun shy and tend to either attract all wrong people or scare off all the right ones.  But the common theme in our conversation is that we both want to be pursued.  We want whom ever it is that we have a relationship with to "step up" and initiate the interactions.  And we are both stubborn enough to wait for that.  Her because that is how she was raised and what she saw, me because I have been in relationships where I was the only one changing and the only one making any effort and I won't do that again.

When I talk or think about what I wanted out of the relationships I had my ultimate desire was to be pursued and ultimately feel loved. I think that is an innate desire for most people, especially woman.   We have ended relationships because we did not feel pursued and we have entered into relationships that were totally wrong for us because the person was chasing us with fervor.  Let me give you two personal examples.  The last serious relationship I had lasted about two years.  It ended for a slew of reasons but the main was because he made no attempt to connect with Kole and I.  I just couldn't keep up the constant trying when I was not really getting any response.  OOORRR the last guy who actually pursued me (by pursue I mean more than just casual flirting, like hey I want to see you, I want to get to know you so I am going to annoy the death out of you to so I can get your attention) was married with three kids and was totally manipulating everyone around him. But, I responded because I noticed his intense desire to be around me.

So here I am.  Stubborn and single.  But I am not alone.  You see, just as I have these examples that did not turn out as I had hoped, I have an example that is beyond beautiful.  I have been pursued my entire life.  Every circumstance I have been in there has been the aching feeling that there is something beyond all these distractions Trying to get my attention.  There has been this presence standing at my door and knocking, you know that annoying I am going to bug you and harass you until  you respond to me.  That relationship that was imagined before creation, prepared on a cross, started when I was alone and afraid, and will be completed when I finally get to see His face.  I am the bride of Christ.  I have been His constant desire, His unending pursuit.  My only responsibility was to respond to His suit.

There is this saying out there that says to be with someone who sees all of your flaws and chooses to love you in-spite of them.  He is that someone.  He tells me I am ENOUGH just the way I am.  He also tells me that He loves me ENOUGH to not leave me the way I am.


So I will stay stubborn and single and satisfied.  I will stay this way because my deepest desire is already being fulfilled by Him who has pursued me and will continue to pursue.  One who meets my need for Love in a way that no one else could because He is the author of love, and quite frankly no man is ever going to be able to compare.  I have ENOUGH just the way He is.  

Holy Spirit

I am doing what I do best today.  I am listening to music!  I love my T.V. for this reason.  I can turn on Pandora from there and Kole and I can rock out, listen, sing dance, what have you.  Probably not the prettiest site or sound but it is still fun.

Well there is this song that I have heard many times and lately it has got me thinking.  The song is sung by Kari Job and its called Holy Spirit.  Here is a video of this song.

Holy Spirit

So the line that has me thinking is "Holy Spirit you are welcomed here."   Part of the reason I have been thinking about is because someone used the line at church once.  The other reason is because I like to sing along with this song.  And that line is basically inviting the Holy Spirit to come to where I am.  So I am welcoming Him in my car, my home, my work.  Where ever I am when I am singing it He is welcome.

One of the times I was singing it I actually payed attention to what I was singing.  I was actually praying what I was I singing, not just blindly repeating the words.  And a light bulb went off.

For so long I have placed God in this box.  When I read the Bible I ask for guidance.  At church I pray that He changes hearts, mostly my hardened and jaded and bitter heart. At work sometimes I will ask that he gives me the strength or energy to get through it.  But I am to unimportant for Him to be present in other times.  My concerns and my everyday life is to insignificant for Him to want to be present in moments that I see as little or no meaning.

But when I put God in a box, I am missing so much of who He is and so many opportunities to praise Him.  He is my Father, my Love, my best friend, my protector, my navigator.  My box has Him pictured as a figure sitting on a throne.  Which, he is.  But He sent the Holy Spirit to us for to have a personal relationship with so that He can be sitting on the throne and we can have that ever present, personal, passionate relationship with him in the big instances of life and the seemingly meaningless  moments.

Now, there is another part of this box that I need to put to rest.  It is the reason that I have developed these boxes.  Above I said that I am to unimportant for Him to be present.  That my everyday life is insignificant for Him to want to be present.  These thought processes are my self-protecting mechanisms.  Learned a long time ago as a child and reinforced as an adult.  If I know that I am insignificant, then it will not hurt as much when someone I care about feels that way too.  If people choose things or other people over me, it does not hurt because they should.  If people who used to like me no longer like me, that is how it should be because I am not enough of something (I have a list of "not enoughs") to have someone want to be around me or be my friend or a boyfriend.   If Kole would rather be at his Dad's I totally get that because I am boring and tired mom who makes him play by himself all the time.

BUT.  He chose me.  He adopted me.  He placed this desire on my heart to know Him, not because I am insignificant and meaningless.  But, because I am of great value to Him.  I am His beloved.  I was the lost sheep that He left the others to come and find.  I am the adulterous woman that He did not condemn.  I am the tax collector he chose to eat with.  I am the sinner that He chose to make clean.  I am the empty vessel He came and filled.    I am important enough for the little times and the big times.  I not obsolete and at least to One Person I matter.  At least to One Person, I am enough to be with.

Just Cut it Off

I have had this patient the last several days that I worked.  When I first had said patient it was quiet, shaky, would barely say one word to you.  (I hate the use of it on a human but to remain gender nuteral we will call the patient it).  It was in the hospital due to a horrible infection in one of its feet.  Most of the tissue on that foot was dead and needed to be cut off.  They had tried cleaning it out and giving antibiotics.  Nothing was allowing this foot to heal.  There are a few other medical reasons why this infection was so bad but the bottom line was: The foot needed to come off.  There was a horrible odor coming from this area each time you walked by.  The patient was clearly deteriorating.  The foot looked disgusting.  They tried everything they could think of to keep this necrotic foot attached.

On one of my evenings of work this pt returned back from surgery.  They had preformed an amputation to the affected leg.  And let me tell you the difference in this person was astounding.  The patient was awake, alert, carrying on whole conversations with you.  It was like night and day.  Just removing this necrotic tissue did wonders for this very sick patient.

This made me start thinking of the sin I have in my life.  This sin keeps me from being healthy and vital.  It starts in one area and it may start as a little compromise, but it can soon turn into a huge life altering illness.  The only difference between my sin and this necrotic foot is that my sin looks appealing.  It is clothed as everything I could ever want.  It starts as a tiny desire, a tiny want.  Then I start to dwell in that thought or desire.  I may initially pray about it but soon my prayers become less about what He wants from me and more about what I want from Him.

The first thing that comes to mind is food.  It is soooo easy to justify unhealthy behaviors when it comes to food.  For me it is often I will just have this one treat, and it soon turns into days of just this one multiple treat.  Or even better, I do not like to cook.  Actually, I love to cook, I just hate cooking for only 2 people and I hate cleaning up that mess even more.  So we just don't cook.  We eat out.  And I often let Kole pick because I have making decisions (probably another blog for another day :D)  So we just live in this unhealthy place of eating out and not eating the foods that are good for us.  So my little compromises that look appealing and do not seem too far off base turn into a struggle with weight and self-image that My Heavenly Father never wanted me to experience in the first place.

Or dating.  This is another big one for me.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to date again.  Believe me I have asked myself this question repeatedly.  Biblically would I be able to get remarried?  I know the most common answer is Yes.  But I didn't want common.  I wanted the answer that when I stood before the Lord I could say that I searched His word and His will and knew that this was what would bring Him the most glory, even if it was not the answer I had wanted.  Well after searching and praying about that answer my answer is yes, I will get remarried one day.  So this beautiful hope that I have for mine and Kole's future has somehow become this nagging expectation I have.  This expectation that I have for Him to provide this hope for us like yesterday.  So I stop focusing on my hope for who He plans on bringing for Kole and I and start dwelling on the letdown of who he has not provided for us as of yet.  And me being me I find myself very easily being sucked into this place where my faith starts to crumble a little bit.  I start questioning what I know to be the truth He has revealed to me.

That is what illness can and will do if you let it.  That is what sin can and will do if you let it.  Its a little tiny spark and can build into a uncontrolled flame that starts burning up your hope, your joy, your patience, your faith.  So just like the foot, I should just cut it off.  Right?!  Nip it at the bud, stop it at its source, amputate the sin.  If only it were that easy!

I can't just stop eating... That would be the easy thing to do.  I can't really just stop eating out.  That is not feasible for Kole and I.  I don't want to give up on the hope of remarriage.  I don't think I am supposed to.  So how do I get rid of this illness that has overtaken my joy in who my Father is and who my Father made me??

This is the part where I stumble and hesitate.  I am reminded of Romans 7:19  "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  This perfectly describes my heart right now.  I am not really sure how to get out of this little rut that I am in.  I am usually pretty good at problem solving.  I identify the problem and find ways to fix it.  I know my problem, but I can't see the solution.  Maybe thats because I am too tired, I do not want to see it, or maybe its not my problem to fix.  Maybe I just need to keep laying this at His feet because I am powerless to fix myself.  I need the Great Physician, the Almighty Healer.  My ailments can only be healed by His blood.  I just have to let go of them...

Flight or Fight

Where I work I get to see all sorts of interesting situations.  Our patient population is a variety of disease processes and socioeconomic factors.  Our patients can be there for something as simple as cellulitis to a complex array of commodities.  Lately the population that has made an appearance on our floor is the confused elderly patient with a UTI.  If you do not know much about the elderly and infections this may sound as simple as just give them some medicine and send them home.  Well let me tell you something about these patients.  Your sweet little grandma who has never said a cuss word in her life can all the sudden develop the vocabulary of a sailor and the aggressiveness of Mike Tyson.  Or your hardworking grandpa who goes out of his way to support his whole family can become a raging ball of profanities and punches.

This makes no sense!  How can these normally sweet and unassuming people become threats to themselves and others so fast.  I can not tell you exactly why medically but I can tell you that the first sign of infection is not a fever or pain or the like, it is confusion.  So we bring them into the hospital because grandma is not acting normal.  Now we have these confused people in surroundings that they do not know, which then leads to fear; fear because they have no idea what is going on and they do not feel safe.  So like any normal person, the fight or flight instinct takes over, and they start doing the only thing they know to do: They start protecting themselves.  They try to leave and try to hit to protect themselves.  At rare times this fear gets so intense that they become combative and start hurting people around them.  Sometimes if all else fails we have to "restrain" a patient to keep the staff and the family and the patient safe.

Honestly it all makes perfect since if you step back and look at it.  What would you do if you had no idea what is going on and you feel like someone is interfering with your safety?  I am pretty sure that you already know the answer to that.  But I am also pretty sure you are picturing an actual threat to your well being.  But what about a perceived threat?  Something that gets you out of your comfort zone?  Something that puts you in a situation where your heart rate increase and your blood pressure increases.  Like confronting someone out of love?  Or telling your story about how Jesus changed your life.  Or going to a place that you do not have the comfort of your home, friends and family so that people can hear about Jesus.  Or even a major life change, new job, breaking off a relationship that does not honor God, or starting a relationship that is based solely on His grace and love.  And last but not least admitting and repenting for whatever sin has you chained to your old self.

All of these we often perceive as threats to our well being.  We get scared, we have no idea what God has planned so we start doing what we know best.  We start running and fighting.  We run away from God's plan and His possible glory because we are afraid that our safety is being jeopardized.  Or those restraints we have holding us back from having a closer relationship with Him are so powerful that we refuse to break away from them, to turn away from whatever sin is holding us back.

But the beauty of a relationship with Christ is that we do not have to be afraid.    Isaiah 41:10 says "So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right had."  Or Luke 1:30 "Then he said to her "Do not be afraid Mary, you have found favor with God." Or Psalm 118:6 "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me."  These are just a couple of the verses that tell us not to fear because He is with us.

What would your life, my life, the church look like if we stopped letting fear dictate how we proclaim the Gospel.  Or what if we were not chained to our sins anymore but rather united with Christ in grace and forgiveness.  What if the only thing holding us back from proclaiming Jesus and furthering is kingdom is, well, nothing?

'Tis the Season

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are thinking about life and where it is currently, where you think you want it to go, and how to get there?  My mind has been running circles, my heart has been praying continually about this possibility I have. With out going into to much detail, this will be a change for the way Kole and I currently function.  Maybe for the better, probably not for the worst.  But as I was thinking about it today a passage came to mind.  It is Ecclesiaste 3:1-8.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaves.
"a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I am not a huge fan of change.  It scares me.  I like to know what to expect.  I like to be in-control so that I can protect myself and Kole from the unknown.  I can prepare for what comes next, I can plan for the future.

I so focus on what I think we need for our well-being that I forget that God's plan for me is so much more secure than the plan I have made for us.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope for the future."

I love the way the Holy Spirit does that for me.  Tells me to stop and listen.  My season is going to change.  It may not be what I think it should look like and it may be exactly what I have been asking for.  But this change is not going to harm me unless I let it.  He says I will prosper.  He says I will have hope for the future.

But here is the thing.  In any season, not matter how this one changes for me, my hope is always in Christ so therefore I do have hope for my future.  And no matter how hard my season is, if I'm mourning, sick, so on and so forth, I will prosper because each and every season will bring me closer to Him.

Spoiler Alert

I am pretty sure I am the most spoiled person there is.  I am sitting here on my lunch break writing a blog.  I am starving.  I am tired.  I am stressed.  I have worked 4 12 hour shifts.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow after only 4 hours of sleep for 2 1/2 days.  And I don't really do anything but complain.

But let's put everything into perspective.  I am on my lunch.  Which means I am eating.  Not only am I eating but I have a full meal plus desert.  I am tired.  But the four hours I slept I slept in a very comfortable bed with a roof over my head, blankets, the option of warm clothes.  When I was not sleeping I was grocery shopping.  For food I did not really need but I thought would be nice to have over the weekend.  I am working 4 12 hour shits so I can afford a vacation to Disney Land and a beach on a plane and in a nice hotel.  Tomorrow I get to spend all day with the most amazing little boy I know doing what we love, yard work, soccer, and shopping.  Oh yea shopping.  I have enough money to spend on something that I need but not really.  I have a job that I love, family that supports me, a car to transport me.

And yet, all I do is complain.  I forget how much I have an focus on what I do not have.  I forget how much I have to loose and focus on how much I want to gain.  I forget how much God has blessed me with and focus on how much Satan is trying to take.  My joy, my peace, my patience.  All of that is stolen because I am to selfish to look past myself. 

I always say my biggest desire is to bring Him glory.  I always say that I want my life to show other's His love.  And that is honestly what my heart yearns to do.  But when I focus on myself and not on Him I am letting the enemy win this battle. Granted he already lost the war for me but he still revels in any chance he can to take the light off Jesus and put shadow over my heart. 

But I refuse to let this stay my normal.  This will no longer be my pattern.  When I start to loose sight of what matters I am going stop and refocus.  Focus on all that Jesus has done for me.  But not just for me but for the ones that I love and the ones that I don't know.  The reality is that I have Jesus and that is all that I need.  Everything else is just icing on a very delicious cake. 

Head vs. Heart

There have been many times that I have tried to explain how my salvation came about.  It usually goes something like "Well I got saved in high school, but it wasn't real until the first time my ex and I split up."  I could never figure out how to explain it.  I mean what does "real" mean when I have claimed to already have salvation?  I finally heard a great way to explain this!

Tonight at Kole's basketball awards the pastor said something about "head knowledge" and "heart knowledge" and a light bulb went off!  So here is my story!!

In high school I knew that there was a God.  I knew that if I did not "accept" Him I would not be able to spend eternity in Heaven.  I knew all the right things to say.  I knew all the phrases.  I knew right from wrong.  Good from bad, light from dark.  My head knew this.  I had a basic understanding of who God was supposed to be and what that was supposed to look like in someone's life.  

The second time my ex-husband cheated on me was when my heart finally knew.  My heart understood what if felt like to really cry out to Jesus.  Not only did I understand what it was to really cry out to Jesus but it also finally felt the comfort that can only come from Him.  When everything else is falling apart, my life plan was in shambles, I had no one to turn to,  my heart desperately and fully turned to Him.  I knew what it was to want to spend right now with Him, not just an eternity in Heaven.  I knew what it was like to really look at my sin and know how ugly it was.  But the understanding didn't just stop at the knowledge that my sin was ugly, I no longer was ok with it or accepting of it.  I hated it.  I wanted it out of my life.  I did not want to be that person anymore.  This may be confusing because in the world's eyes I did nothing wrong.  But when I looked at myself, I realized I would not want to be married to me either, not just marriage though, it was any sort of relationship.  I was selfish.  I was judgmental.  You see for so long my head knew what it was supposed to look like and I ignored what my thoughts were showing Jesus and focused on what my actions were showing the world.  In one "OH GOD" my heart changed.

I think this is what Jesus was talking about when he says that on Judgement day people will hear "Depart for me for I never knew you"  in Matthew 7:21-23.  At anytime before that night I would have said I had an understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus.  And for the most part I did. And I wanted to.  But it was just a "head" understanding.  But I am certain I would have been the one He told to depart.    It is kinda scary to think about how easily I had myself and everyone else fooled.  How many people are in the same exact boat?  How many people have a head knowledge but do not have  a heart knowledge.  I kind of always knew there was something not quite right with my faith before hand.  Kinda like something was missing.  Not all the dots were connected.  I kept trying to do more, be involved more, I thought that would bring me more Jesus and would fill the hole I kept finding.  But it was not the actions that got me there.  It was not the words that got me there.  It was a complete and total surrender that finally filled it for me.  

I have stumbled along the way.  I have fallen many times.  But the desire I have has not changed.  My desire, the deep down, always present no matter how minute desire I have had since that night has always remained the same.  I still desire to know Him intimately.  I still desire to go where He leads.  I still desire to be a Woman after His own Heart.  I do not want to be who I was yesterday.  I want to be who He has made me today, and who He is making me for tomorrow. 

What is this more?

I posted on Facebook a while ago about how I am meant for more.  But that is such a vague statement.  It can be misconstrued into so many different things.  What is this more that I speak of?  I am not saying that my current situation is anything to frown upon.  I have a great job, I have an amazing son, I have a house and food.  

However, there are things that I desperately want.  Things that I have prayed continually about so that I know where I need to be and what I need to do in order for those "things" to happen.  But, those two things that I want really only lead to one outcome.  

What I desperately want, more than the two things I desperately want, is more Jesus.  I want to be used.  I want to be involved.  I do not want to just be present, but be used.  The two things are just modes of being able to obtain the one thing.

The first of the two things is  a set schedule.  My switching weekends, shifts, schedules, days, nights, is not conducive to being used in the way that I feel like I should be involved in.  I want to be in a small group but I cant because of work and school.  I want to help in a ministry at church but I can't because I work that night/evening.  If I am not working I have Kole which is time that I am not willing to compromise.  I want to go on mission trips but planning one seems difficult because of time and Kole.  I would love to take him with me, I know he would love it!

The second of the two things is someone to grow in my faith with.  I am content with my friends and my current relationships but I have this deep seated desire for a spouse that will not go away no matter how much I try, or pray for it to go away.  I know that if a relationship I have is one that is God honoring and Jesus seeking will help me grow and show me an aspect of God that I do not get in any other relationship. 

My more is not more in the since that what I have is not good enough.  My more is not the more that says I am not content and full of joy where I am right now.  My more is only that I am meant to be used in ways that I can not be used in right now.  I am excited for my more and I want it to happen, like yesterday, but I am tying so hard to be content where I am at and wait on Him, so that I know my more is not my more, but His more. 

Dear Kole

A year ago your daddy texted me and told me that you had decided to follow Jesus and you prayed "the prayer".  That day was literally the best day of my life because now I know that, not only do I get to watch you grow and love Jesus in this life, but I get to worship Him with you for eternity and I do not think there could be any greater joy for a parent.

Your understanding of what it means to love Jesus amazes me everyday.  Every time we talk about being thankful, your first response is always Jesus, God, and the cross.  Every time you pray you acknowledge His love for you.  But most importantly, you know that everyone else needs to know about this love.  Like that Sunday when you wanted to "build a stand so that people could donate money so they would know about Jesus".  No one came to that but you did not stop there.  You begged me to go door to door so you could tell everyone about Jesus and God.

My prayer for you is that you never stop growing.  That this young boy who stands before me today, that can not wait to go tell our neighbors, manifests into a man who is not afraid to love the least of these and who shares the Gospel with anyone who will listen.   I pray that not, only the words you speak, but the life you live will be one that shows the Love that Jesus has for everyone.

I am so very proud of you bubba, and I am honored to be called your mom.  I love you mostest times infinity.

🎶 I Feel Pretty 🎶 Oh So Pretty 🎶

Most of the people reading this do not know me.  Yes we may be acquainted through some random place, activity, or happen-chances, but very few people really know me.  And those that do will know how important this blog is...

Today I feel pretty.  Notice the verbage.  It is not past tense,  it is not future tense, it means right now at this moment I feel pretty.  But even more importantly, it was not just this moment, or when I let my hair down,  it was all day.  But let's not stop there!! It was not just today,  it was yesterday as well.  It was the day before.  To be honest I do not even know exactly when it started but it did.  I think it was a gradual process.  Each day it was a little more present than the last.

But, it had absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance.  I have gained weight, my hair needs redone, most of the time my clothes are for comfort, and I look like a zombie... No.  This prettiness is not an external display, it is an internal state of mind.

I feel pretty because, rather than finding my beauty, worth, value, what have you, in how others view me, have re-found my identity in Christ (that part is for another blog another time).  This blog is not being written to remind myself of that fact as they often are.  It is an acknowledgment of the fact that I have been living that way for days and possibly even weeks and not even realizing that.